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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex not seeing DC due to new baby

306 replies

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:29

My ex's partner is being induced next week. They've been told baby will be in neo natal for a 3-4 weeks as being born 7 weeks early, so will need to be monitored before being allowed to go home. Ex has text me and has cancelled all contact with our DC for the 2, possibly 3 weeks after baby is born. DC doesn't go more than 5 days without seeing ex usually.

I fully appreciate it's going to be a difficult time with his partner and baby being in hospital for a few weeks, but AIBU in thinking there's no reason he has to cancel absolutely all contact for the 2/3 weeks after the baby is born? I haven't replied to my ex yet.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 05/08/2021 17:24

Thats sound advice EatWellStayFitDieAnyway.
People respond differently in these stressful and potentially traumatic situations. It doesn't do well to decide someone is a a bad parent if they don't manage the situation how we think they ought to. I would imagine the ex and his partner are terrified at the moment as hospitals don't induce at 33 weeks for no reason.

It seems like the OP's ex has history of being flakey, but in my opinion that needs setting aside when a poorly baby is concerned.

saraclara · 05/08/2021 17:25

@chickendinnertonight

Sorry I should have been clearer - he is sharing the care of his other DC with his partners Mum. They will be with her the majority of the time but will still have them occasionally during those weeks. Which is why I'm confused as to why he won't have our DC.
The problem is that those three weeks will be unpredictable. It's no good him saying that he'll have your DCs on specific dates, because it will depend on how the baby is/the mother is.

I'd be being tolerant here, but say that the kids will miss him, and if he finds himself with a free few hours here and there, they'd love to see him and see photos of the baby.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 05/08/2021 17:25

@StrangeToSee

He needs to put the new baby and his partner first in this scenario, it sounds like a very stressful time.
There's putting his baby and partner first and there's completely abandoning his responsibility to his other children.

To have absolutely no plans to contact him, even a bloody face time, is deplorable. He can't just drop him because it's inconvenient,

babybopella · 05/08/2021 17:25

No there's no need to have no contact is there... I was induced with my last baby, and she spent time in neonatal, my partner has a son from a previous relationship and he still had him. Granted not as much as normal because I was in hospital with the baby, but he did have him, took him out for breakfast, lunch ect.. still made time for him. I think that's ridiculous really.

IGuessIdProbablyBeAnne · 05/08/2021 17:27

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nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 05/08/2021 17:28

@chickendinnertonight

Sorry I should have been clearer - he is sharing the care of his other DC with his partners Mum. They will be with her the majority of the time but will still have them occasionally during those weeks. Which is why I'm confused as to why he won't have our DC.
Oh this just gets better.

So her kids/their kids are allowed to come home but yours are banished like a leper for fear of inconveniencing the new baby?

What a prince, I really wouldn't be happy OP. Your poor children, why aren't they allowed to go?

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 17:31

@IGuessIdProbablyBeAnne You wouldn't be calling me a cock if you knew what I've had to put up with from my ex.

OP posts:
chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 17:32

@nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome I really don't know! That's why I haven't replied to ex yet.

OP posts:
nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 05/08/2021 17:33

[quote IGuessIdProbablyBeAnne]@NailsNeedDoing - parents need to bond with a premature baby. Can you imagine term babies being taken away from their parents for a few weeks after birth? And Dad not seeing them? That’s what you’re basically saying. What affect would that have on the parents, let alone the baby.

Babies born at 33 weeks still wake up in the day, hear their parent’s voices, feel the warmth from their bodies, smell them. Bonding is essential. Parents can help feed, change nappies, sing to their child. They’ll probably still feel useless and in the way, but that’s all you can do when your baby is in hospital. Why would Dad want to miss that?

He’s not a cock - you are, for having no empathy or even thinking about a situation.[/quote]
He can bond with the baby AND see his existing kids, it doesn't have to be one or the other.

He's not planning on staying at the hospital that entire time, he's spending a good majority of it with his other children at home. It's not about having NO kids, it's about having HIS.

Of all the children in the house only OP's kids are the ones who aren't allowed to go around. It has nothing to do with the hospital and all to do with him.

An afternoon a week would not prevent the baby from bonding with its Father, what it would do is make his children from a previous relationship feel like shit that their dad doesn't want to see them and only wants to see their half siblings and the new baby.

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 17:35

@nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome Thank you- that's exactly my point! Even a few hours once a week would be better than nothing for my DC.

OP posts:
Rexthesnail · 05/08/2021 17:39

I think you're being unreasonable

Coconutscrub · 05/08/2021 17:39

@chickendinnertonight it doesn’t really matter if he believes in covid or not. His partner might and so do the NHS, I was told to self isolate for 3 days for a procedure so I’m sure to visit a neonatal ward you would need to be extremely careful.

If my baby was on neonatal I would want to eliminate all risk.

Notimeforaname · 05/08/2021 17:39

Unless the baby is in danger ther is absolutely no reason the man cant pop in once week for a hour to see his children.
Ignoring them for a few weeks because there is a new baby sends an awful message.

Just tell him -if baby is stable- he must see his other kids.
As she and he will be seeing the other children on her side!!! Insane. All of his children must be treated equally here.

lemonyfox · 05/08/2021 17:40

I don't think he's being unreasonable, sorry.

Notimeforaname · 05/08/2021 17:41

But they will be seeing her children and the child they have together. So why is it a risk for him to see the child he shares with op?

AllTheSingleLadiess · 05/08/2021 17:45

Has he spoken to the kids about the baby being ill so not being able to meet for a while? Thanks to Covid it might be easier for him to explain this bit.

Assuming that you live close I would hope that he'd be able to make some time for the kids even if it was just a McDonalds in the park once a week but I have no clue how much contact with older children is a risk to the baby during a pandemic.

Ozanj · 05/08/2021 17:45

[quote chickendinnertonight]@IWantT0BreakFree I think this is another part of my frustration, being the 'default parent'. Because ex has cancelled all this contact time, I will now have to use annual leave to cover the days he is no longer having DC. I'm not a monster, and I totally understand how scary it will be, but ex would NEVER do the same for me. [/quote]
This added up to your post about him having a holiday planned and booked in Sept suggests to me he’s playing you big time. Be firm. Tell him he must have the kids and go to court if you have to to formalise access. What a cock.

In the meantime if your DS asks why daddy isn’t coming, be honest, and say you have no idea. Let his dad explain it to him - it’s not your responsibility. The guy is clearly using you if he plans on having the other kids around.

dottiedodah · 05/08/2021 17:46

I get he wants to keep baby away from germs.however surely he can face time them ,talk online . Maybe dc can write a card for the baby . Say to dc daddy is worried about their new sibling ,and he loves them .maybe he could plan a meal out when it's safe

IGuessIdProbablyBeAnne · 05/08/2021 17:47

I wonder what the the neonatal visiting restrictions are at the minute? It’s such a stressful time to be having a baby, let alone a premature baby. I wonder if they’ve been advised by a neonatal member of staff to reduce contacts altogether - although I doubt your DC would ever be included in that.

It sounds like he’s been horrible in the past OP, but if you can be supportive for his partner’s sake, great.

I hope your DC are okay, regardless of what is decided. And if he has chosen not to see your DC when they’re seeing hers, then yes, he’s being unfair, and horrible.

Soontobe60 · 05/08/2021 17:47

@chickendinnertonight

To answer a few questions -

Ex already has a child with his partner which was also born early, but he didn't not see DC for quite so long that time.

Ex's partner has a DC as well. Both these children are going to partners Mum for the 2/3 weeks.

Baby is large already so that's why she is being induced (same happened to their last baby).

No mention of phone calls / face times with my DC.

I can imagine that it’s a very stressful time for them having their baby so early. It may be that the neo natal unit only allows parents in who are self isolating, so he has to choose between seeing your children or being with his new baby. At the moment, Covid transmission is rife. Imagine if he caught Covid from one of his other children and had to self isolate then the baby became very unwell and he couldn’t be there.

I’d be contacting him and suggesting face time calls when possible in order to keep in touch. Children are more understanding than we give them credit for. A simple ‘daddy can’t see you while the baby is in hospital but he’ll face time you when he can’ should do the trick.

Ozanj · 05/08/2021 17:47

I should point out that the biggest covid risk for an nicu baby is at hospital. If the baby’s going to catch it will be there. Hospitals understand this and there is no way they would advise parents to fob off their own kids while caring for an nicu baby. They expect certain precautions such as regular testing etc - he’s decided it would be too much of a hassle probably

TheGlassBlowersDaughter · 05/08/2021 17:49

The obvious difference between this baby and the last one is Covid. The hospital might have strict guidelines on bubbles, testing, etc. And there's no doubt that the more people he sees, the higher his risk will be. Presumably the Sept trip will be at the end of the 3 weeks.
There's no reason he can't schedule facetimes with your DC. I'd be very unhappy if he tried to opt out of online contact too.

FadoFado · 05/08/2021 17:54

@Notimeforaname

But they will be seeing her children and the child they have together. So why is it a risk for him to see the child he shares with op?
Exactly.

Makes no sense.

ShortBacknSides · 05/08/2021 17:56

You wouldn't spend every day with a premature baby if it was you?

But he does have responsibility for 2 other children. If they were living with him all the time, he’d need to look after them.

Sceptre86 · 05/08/2021 18:00

I don't see why he can't see your children either. I would tell him you still expect him to see them at least once a week for each of those 3 weeks even if they aren't overnight stays.

It isn't the same concerns if she is being induced because baby is big than if they were tiny. Yes mum will need time to recover but in a 'regular' family situation neither parent would be able to go without contact with their other children for 3 weeks! He isn't going to be stuck by her side 24/7 and will still see the child they already share so why can't he see your kids?

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