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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont think she is over reacting. Do you?

170 replies

Cheeseandlobster · 01/08/2021 12:47

I have just had a friend over who wanted to get out of their house for a bit. She has a step dd who is 14 and who has been behaving badly. Think shoplifting, bullying another girl and being totally disrespectful to her mum.

My friend works very long hours. She only gets a lie in on a Sunday. She is often exhausted and really needs this lie in.

Over the last few months her step dd has been coming into their room and using friends hair straighteners. They are mega effective but old so don't have an automatic shut off. Step dd has been leaving them in her room switched on and then going out. Friend has explained the importance of switching them off umpteen times but step dd has taken no notice. Last week friend said if she did this one more time she would not be using them anymore. She left them on again.

Last night friend and her dh drove round to collect step dd who was staying over. Friend re-iterated the straighteners were no longer available and did she have hers with her. Step dd said no. She was keeping her hair curly.

Step dd was going shopping at a large mall today and was being collected by a friend and her parents at 8.30am as the mall is a drive away. At 7.30am stepdd came barging into the room demanding the straighteners. Friend said no. Stepdd started screaming and shouting and wailing so friends dh went into the drawers, gave her the straighteners and said he wasn't having his dd being so upset. So friend was totally walked over and was too wired and angry for her 1 lie in.

She showed me a text on her phone where her dh had said it was a big fuss over straighteners and why is she making such a big deal over it. Friend went home second guessing herself. And I am raging for her. I tried not to slate her dh but it's not about bloody straighteners at all. I am hoping I can maybe show her this thread at some point if I am right. This is not the first time her dh has let his dd walk all over my friend. For example she has to sit in the back when they drive anywhere as step dd won't sit in the back. And it's their joint car that my friend pays equally for. And her dh gave my friends old iPhone to his dd when she broke hers. He didn't ask if this was OK as he said she didn't use it anymore so what was the problem. My friend had been planning on giving it to her niece. She has a dh problem doesn't she?

OP posts:
Wjevtvha · 01/08/2021 12:50

Yep a definite DH problem; I wouldn’t stand for my DH treating me that way

Brefugee · 01/08/2021 12:52

I would never ever sit in the back. To the point that i just wouldn't get in the car, or i would always just get in the driver's seat.

as for the straighteners I'd be telling the DH that due to his daughter's idiocy, next time they're on they would be going where the sun doesn't shine.

But frankly? I wouldn't be staying in this situation.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 01/08/2021 12:53

Offer to help her make plans to Ltb..

DeathStare · 01/08/2021 12:53

No your friend is not over-reacting. I would seriously be considering divorce.

Firstly her DH needs to stop being Disney-dad, set some boundaries with his DD and back his wife when she does. The fact he doesn't back her alone is grounds for divorce in my opinion.

But then he lent his wife's possessions after his wife had said no????? How fucking dare he.

JSL52 · 01/08/2021 12:54

Not overreacting no.
He sounds like a twat.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 01/08/2021 12:55

Definitely a DH problem.

Help her leave him. Show her this thread?

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/08/2021 12:56

She sits in the back of the car? Nope! That right there would do it for me, even without Straightners-gate. She needs to leave - he has no respect her - it won’t get better.

DeathStare · 01/08/2021 12:56

I've just noticed the bit about the I-phone..... OMFG. He needs to pay her the amount it would cost to replace, so she can give her niece a phone as she intended.

Actually screw that. She and her possessions will always be third behind him and his DD. She just needs to leave.

Original poster
Cheeseandlobster · 01/08/2021 12:59

She definitely needs to do something. He always shuts her down and minimises things. So this is being silly over straighteners. He will never see it isn't abput straighteners but about him letting his dd do what she wants and never supporting his wife who wasn't in the wrong. She said to him that they should present a united front. He said he did what he felt was best to diffuse the situation. Except i didn't diffuse it for my friend who lost her lie in and felt walked over She said step dd left the room fucking smirking.

OP posts:
PyjamaFan · 01/08/2021 12:59

That's appalling.

I would leave someone who treated me like that AND let their child treat me and my possessions like that.

MojoJojo71 · 01/08/2021 13:09

She is definitely not being unreasonable. There’s no way in hell I’d sit in the back of a car while a child sat in the front. Her ‘D’P is being a twat and she needs to call him out on it or their relationship is doomed

2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl · 01/08/2021 13:12

Definitely a husband problem. Hope she leaves/kicks the cunt out (depending on their living arrangements) ASAP. It’s no way to live, being treated like that.

Imnothereforthedrama · 01/08/2021 13:12

He just wants a quiet life , spineless but he doesn’t see he’s making a rod for his own back . She thinks she can demand and she gets and has no respect for anyone or anyone’s possessions . Tbf op she’s probably had this her own life, parents that can’t parent we’ve all met parents like this .
No advice to deal with him or little madam but if he won’t grow a backbone I’d leave him .

OrchestraOfWankery · 01/08/2021 13:16

Making his wife sit in the back of the car has shown DSD where DW is in the pecking order. Last.

WomanStanleyWoman · 01/08/2021 13:17

The stepdaughter is acting like a brat… but brats are normally made by parents. The friend’s husband needs to be a parent instead of always giving in for a quiet life.

NeedNewKnees · 01/08/2021 13:18

She needs a lock on her bedroom door

She should kick him into touch, the sod

LolaSmiles · 01/08/2021 13:19

He is spineless and his daughter is being brought up to be a brat. Your friend isn't unreasonable at all. She has a huge DH problem.

Original poster
Cheeseandlobster · 01/08/2021 13:21

@Imnothereforthedrama

He just wants a quiet life , spineless but he doesn’t see he’s making a rod for his own back . She thinks she can demand and she gets and has no respect for anyone or anyone’s possessions . Tbf op she’s probably had this her own life, parents that can’t parent we’ve all met parents like this . No advice to deal with him or little madam but if he won’t grow a backbone I’d leave him .
That's exactly it. My friend said ages ago that he doesn't rock the boat as he is worried she won't come anymore. And from what I can gather her mum never sets boundaries either so she is totally used to getting what she wants. We all went out once, dp, I and my ds and friend her dh and step dd. When we got home my ds said he had never met such a self involved girl in his life and she reminded him of the mean girls in his school who used to put others down and bully them for not being the same as they were.
OP posts:
DancesWithTortoises · 01/08/2021 13:22

She needs to hide the straighteners where he can't find them.

He and his DD sound awful.

QualityMarguerite · 01/08/2021 13:24

She has a dh problem. Really he has a huge parenting issue. Spineless loser who can’t parent or set boundaries. He makes it hard for everyone around him while saying it’s everyone’s fault but his. I wouldn’t dream of living with a man like this unless he did some major work on himself and his ability to have relationships. Your friend has been complicit in this too. What the fuck was she doing in the back, why didn’t she take the phone back. It’s either his tantrum or his gaslighting - sounds awful either way.

Adarajames · 01/08/2021 13:25

No, not overreacting, he needs to shape up and support her, but he won’t, so she’s best just getting shot of him and his brat of a daughter, who will find life very difficult when the world doesn’t bow to her wants as people currently do, thanks to such poor parenting!

OrchestraOfWankery · 01/08/2021 13:26

@DancesWithTortoises

She needs to hide the straighteners where he can't find them.

He and his DD sound awful.

Daddy would just buy new ones and off we go again.
Notaroadrunner · 01/08/2021 13:26

Pity your friend didn't just get up and take the straighteners back. Please tell her not to have kids with this pathetic man who lets his dd walk all over him. As for sitting in the front, your friend should just either drive or sit in the front seat. Why is she allowing the brat to dictate?

Your friend needs to hide her belongings from now on and more than that she should really think hard about the relationship with her pathetic Dh. It won't get any better but chances are it will get a whole lot worse with this entitled madam getting her own way all the time.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 01/08/2021 13:26

I'd be driving and he could sit in the back.

With the straighteners, does she have anywhere she can lock them away? I'm sure everyone has a secret hiding place!

Her husband needs to purchase an iPhone for her niece. He gave something away that wasn't his. Does she have access to his bank account/credit card? I'd purchase myself using that as I'm sure he won't.

But... she needs to leave him. She doesn't deserve to be treated like a second class citizen in her own home.

QualityMarguerite · 01/08/2021 13:26

I would imagine if she left she would look back and just see a continuing erosion of her boundaries. At least she doesn’t have a friend problem:)

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