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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I dont think she is over reacting. Do you?

170 replies

Cheeseandlobster · 01/08/2021 12:47

I have just had a friend over who wanted to get out of their house for a bit. She has a step dd who is 14 and who has been behaving badly. Think shoplifting, bullying another girl and being totally disrespectful to her mum.

My friend works very long hours. She only gets a lie in on a Sunday. She is often exhausted and really needs this lie in.

Over the last few months her step dd has been coming into their room and using friends hair straighteners. They are mega effective but old so don't have an automatic shut off. Step dd has been leaving them in her room switched on and then going out. Friend has explained the importance of switching them off umpteen times but step dd has taken no notice. Last week friend said if she did this one more time she would not be using them anymore. She left them on again.

Last night friend and her dh drove round to collect step dd who was staying over. Friend re-iterated the straighteners were no longer available and did she have hers with her. Step dd said no. She was keeping her hair curly.

Step dd was going shopping at a large mall today and was being collected by a friend and her parents at 8.30am as the mall is a drive away. At 7.30am stepdd came barging into the room demanding the straighteners. Friend said no. Stepdd started screaming and shouting and wailing so friends dh went into the drawers, gave her the straighteners and said he wasn't having his dd being so upset. So friend was totally walked over and was too wired and angry for her 1 lie in.

She showed me a text on her phone where her dh had said it was a big fuss over straighteners and why is she making such a big deal over it. Friend went home second guessing herself. And I am raging for her. I tried not to slate her dh but it's not about bloody straighteners at all. I am hoping I can maybe show her this thread at some point if I am right. This is not the first time her dh has let his dd walk all over my friend. For example she has to sit in the back when they drive anywhere as step dd won't sit in the back. And it's their joint car that my friend pays equally for. And her dh gave my friends old iPhone to his dd when she broke hers. He didn't ask if this was OK as he said she didn't use it anymore so what was the problem. My friend had been planning on giving it to her niece. She has a dh problem doesn't she?

OP posts:

PinkiOcelot · 02/08/2021 19:59

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy so you you don’t speak to your friends about stuff?! Or they don’t speak to you? Although I’m guessing not!

She needs to leave! Her H is a dick and his daughter is a brat.

Everyone saying cut the plug off. Break the straighteners etc etc. They’re the OPs friend’s. She might want to use them.

1FootInTheRave · 02/08/2021 20:10

He is vile.

His brat of a daughter is vile.

She needs rid asap.

Eviethyme · 02/08/2021 20:11

He's an asshole as is his daughter.

Hanab · 02/08/2021 20:27

Get them ducks in a row .. and plan to leave .. smh .. the audacity and disrespect! It seems to have been going on for some time. If the husband can’t be onboard with discipline OP is fighting a losing game. For her sanity & self respect she needs to leave

MariposaLilly · 02/08/2021 20:27

One of the few good things about getting old is you see the outcome of this sort of thing from friends or family member's spoiled children.

Your friend's problems have just began. As these children become older it's difficult for the parent enabler to keep up with demands, but they will not matter what.

In the near future the family car will be borrowed on a regular bases or your friend's dopey husband will buy his daughter a new one for her own. He will also allow her to have boys or her friends to sleep over. The family savings will be heavily dipped into to fund uni, starter homes, jail bail etc.

If your friend outlives him she may discover his daughter gets 50/50 or 100% of everything.

She needs to get the hell out.

BSideBaby · 02/08/2021 20:28

Your friend has a DH problem, exacerbated by an assertiveness problem.

She needs to hide the straighteners where he can't find them.

This is ridiculous advice. She absolutely does not need to hide her belongings! I'd be banning DH and his DD from the bedroom immediately while getting everything in order ready to kick them both out.

MariposaLilly · 02/08/2021 20:29

In the post above, I'm speaking from experience - not my own btw.

Mandalay246 · 02/08/2021 20:38

Why on earth do women put up with this sort of shit? I would not stay with a man who treats me like this, he doesn't sound like much of a prize.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 02/08/2021 20:46

My stepson used to use the George Foreman grill and not clean it afterwards so nobody else could use it.
Told him 3 strikes and he would not be using it again - not sure if he was testing me or just didn't understand but he still didn't clean it after he used it . Then got moody when l explained why it was no longer avaialble.
But the difference is my DH backed me up.
Your poor friend

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/08/2021 20:52

Her DH is not D he's an arse.

He's not helping his daughter either.

Angrymum22 · 02/08/2021 21:01

I’m going to be devils advocate here. Parenting teenagers is not for the faint hearted, least of all teenagers who have had their world turned upside down by divorce. It doesn’t sound like your friend has children of her own so has no idea how perfectly reasonable children become irrational harpies when they hit teenage years.
Mumsnet is always hard on fathers who do not prioritise their children after divorce. It sounds like your friend is probably just as much a princess as her DSD. I would advise buying DSD her own hair straighteners if she really wants to solve the problem. As for sitting in the front seat of the car, is it really a problem?
Trying to win a power struggle is just demonstrating how childish friend is. Choose your battles and lead by example.
As for DH he is just acting out of guilt particularly if your friend is the reason he left ex wife. Teenagers are the very best grudge holders.

QueenBee52 · 02/08/2021 21:10

I would advise buying DSD her own hair straighteners if she really wants to solve the problem.

but the straighteners are NOT the issue..

DSD constantly leaves them ON all day .... and as OP's old but very effective straighteners do not have an auto turn off after a certain time ... it's a FIRE HAZARD 🔴

but DH does not care if the house burns down.. he said he's happy to get new stuff .. and the DSD refuses to bring her own safe straighteners ...

You don't have to be a Parent to recognise a Fire Hazard 🙄

MushMonster · 02/08/2021 21:17

To PP, OP asks the DD to bring her own. She warned her that the set at her house was mot to be used.
OP has only raised an issue because the child is leaving them on, repeteadly.
Not for using them correctly, not for using them in OP's room, not for sitting on the front of the car.
It sounds to me that OP is being considerate of the bond and time spent between the DD and her father.
But the father is a total idiot! And the DD is acting up, with no boundaries or manners taught to her, at all.
This man is NOT parenting his teenage daughter. Not even trying a little bit in this case.

Millionnewnames · 02/08/2021 21:18

I’ve been in a similar situation in the past. My otherwise brilliant ex partner was a total knob when it came to his son. I won’t go into details but I was a brilliant step mum to this boy, really treated him like my own while being careful not to overstep boundaries with the parents. I bought him everything I bought my own child and gave him lots of love. But when said boy became a bloody awful teenager ex let him treat me like absolute shit and I’d I tried to stand my ground it was because ‘I hated him’ it was the end of our relationship. I’m glad because my life improved dramatically thereafter , but there are parents out there who , for reasons to do with their own personal guilt and lack of parenting skills will side with the child at all costs. It’s a simple game of keep standing your ground, keep laying those boundaries and if the partner doesn’t wake up you walk. Hopefully he’ll wake up.

MrsMaizel · 02/08/2021 21:21

You have a man here who just wants an easy life . Even the best man who has children will sometimes need a kick up the arse to make them see the reality of a situation ESP where a daughter is concerned . It's guilt or wanting to be loved or fear they will stop coming .

MrsMaizel · 02/08/2021 21:22

and laziness ...

QueenBee52 · 02/08/2021 21:22

@MrsMaizel

by letting the house burn down 🤔

MrsMaizel · 02/08/2021 21:23

@QueenBee52 he thinks that is just an exaggeration .

QueenBee52 · 02/08/2021 21:29

[quote MrsMaizel]@QueenBee52 he thinks that is just an exaggeration .[/quote]

famous last words 🌸

Iwonder08 · 02/08/2021 21:30

What sort of amazing redeemable features your friend's husband have so she tolerates his spoilt brat and being disrespected to such level in her own home? Honestly, why?

LimeRedBanana · 02/08/2021 21:30

It’s hard enough parenting teens when they’re your actual children and you’re in a stable, committed relationship with their other parent.

Bring a step-child into the mix and a totally ineffectual parent, and it’s surely a recipe for unrelenting misery.

This isn’t ever going to get better. As I posted upthread, I’m amazed she’s hanging around.

I mean, continue to do so (while all the time complaining and feeling resentful) by all means. But where’s the joy in that?

EKGEMS · 02/08/2021 21:31

I know I'm gonna get trashed for posting this but I swear to god I'd use the power cord on the straightener as a ligature around the asshole's neck

adeleh · 02/08/2021 21:34

@EKGEMS

I know I'm gonna get trashed for posting this but I swear to god I'd use the power cord on the straightener as a ligature around the asshole's neck

Changechangychange · 02/08/2021 21:55

I’d be handing over a few of his things. Wouldn’t DSD like a newer phone? Like DH’s? He doesn’t need a nice phone, he can have your friend’s old one. How about the car? DSD is 17 now, she really needs one of her own. Why don’t they give it to her? It can live on DSD’s mum’s drive until she passes her test. They can use the bus to get to work.

Seriously, it is very easy to be generous with other people’s stuff. Make him give up some of his fucking belongings to Princess GHD.

HelloDulling · 02/08/2021 22:04

She needs to drive every time they go anywhere. And he needs to do some parenting. The DD has been allowed to behave like this, so she does.

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