Page 5 | I dont think she is over reacting. Do you?

tinglymint · 02/08/2021 18:41

In her shoes I'd definitely get a lock on my bedroom door, find a hiding place for the straighteners and when she comes knocking say I've binned them.

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LemonFantaGin · 02/08/2021 18:41

Is your friend happy?

I can't see how she can be, please give her support to get out and live a real adult life, not being spoken down to and belittled in front of dsd.

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ChaToilLeam · 02/08/2021 18:43

What a horrible drip of a man your friend’s DH is. And he is doing the girl no favours either by encouraging shit behaviour instead of stopping it.

Your friend needs to find her anger. Make that man fear her reaction more than that of his bratty daughter. Or, just leave.

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TeapotCollection · 02/08/2021 18:44

I’d be hiding the straighteners and planning my escape from the pair of them

In fact I’d probably be telling him I’ll be out of there as soon as I can

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52andblue · 02/08/2021 19:00

@HaveringWavering

My friend said when she raised the fire safety issue, he just said that if the house burns down they will just get all new things via the insurance.

This is beyond shocking. The man is a dangerous idiot.

A big stone built house in my village burned down last year when hair straighteners were left on. The family (lovely people, just unlucky) were fortunate to get out safely as there was very little of the house left. They're still not back in. It's potentially a bit more serious than just 'choosing new stuff on the insurance money'. Idiot (the H not the friend)

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Barmychick · 02/08/2021 19:03

Family meeting all parents/step parents. If not fruitful or no change then divorce him.

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BertramLacey · 02/08/2021 19:07

I would never ever sit in the back. To the point that i just wouldn't get in the car, or i would always just get in the driver's seat.

My OP's teenage daughter gets car sick in the back, as do I. We alternate who sits in the back. I don't see it as a particular issue. I used to get very car sick as a child and was told I had to go in the back, because I was a child and that's what children do. It never made any sense to me, to be forced to be ill for the convenience of others. So we alternate, so we both get a turn at not feeling ill.

That aside, I would be leaving the DH. He is always going to prioritise this child and never consider his wife. I couldn't live like that. Step parenting is a difficult balance, and it's not one he's trying to get at all.

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redbigbananafeet · 02/08/2021 19:10

@Cheeseandlobster

I have just had a friend over who wanted to get out of their house for a bit. She has a step dd who is 14 and who has been behaving badly. Think shoplifting, bullying another girl and being totally disrespectful to her mum.

My friend works very long hours. She only gets a lie in on a Sunday. She is often exhausted and really needs this lie in.

Over the last few months her step dd has been coming into their room and using friends hair straighteners. They are mega effective but old so don't have an automatic shut off. Step dd has been leaving them in her room switched on and then going out. Friend has explained the importance of switching them off umpteen times but step dd has taken no notice. Last week friend said if she did this one more time she would not be using them anymore. She left them on again.

Last night friend and her dh drove round to collect step dd who was staying over. Friend re-iterated the straighteners were no longer available and did she have hers with her. Step dd said no. She was keeping her hair curly.

Step dd was going shopping at a large mall today and was being collected by a friend and her parents at 8.30am as the mall is a drive away. At 7.30am stepdd came barging into the room demanding the straighteners. Friend said no. Stepdd started screaming and shouting and wailing so friends dh went into the drawers, gave her the straighteners and said he wasn't having his dd being so upset. So friend was totally walked over and was too wired and angry for her 1 lie in.

She showed me a text on her phone where her dh had said it was a big fuss over straighteners and why is she making such a big deal over it. Friend went home second guessing herself. And I am raging for her. I tried not to slate her dh but it's not about bloody straighteners at all. I am hoping I can maybe show her this thread at some point if I am right. This is not the first time her dh has let his dd walk all over my friend. For example she has to sit in the back when they drive anywhere as step dd won't sit in the back. And it's their joint car that my friend pays equally for. And her dh gave my friends old iPhone to his dd when she broke hers. He didn't ask if this was OK as he said she didn't use it anymore so what was the problem. My friend had been planning on giving it to her niece. She has a dh problem doesn't she?

The car seating situation made me audibly gasp aloud

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BeenThruMoreThanALilBit · 02/08/2021 19:14

The DH told your friend to mind her own business?

Her straighteners, her car, her bedroom, they’re all her business. So, yes she should mind them by not allowing the stepdaughter to use any of them except with her explicit consent.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/08/2021 19:15

Why is this your problem? She needs to talk to her DH.

Step out of it.

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CambsAlways · 02/08/2021 19:20

The daughter sounds a right brat, I for one would not be sitting in the back of a car so brat can sit in the front! His daughter has definitely got her father jumping through hoops, sorry op I wouldn’t put up with him or his daughter, both showing you zilch respect

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Mumontour85 · 02/08/2021 19:28

At first, I was like, they're just straighteners... then the further I got through the story the more my mouth fell open!

DH needs a severe talking to, and the stepDD needs a slap!
Everyone is a bit of a brat at 14, but if your friends DH doesn't put his foot down she'll become impossible and a horrible adult.

She won't sit in the back seat?! Fine, walk.
She wants a new phone?! Fine, pay for it.
Wants straight hair? Then follow THE ONE RULE AND TURN THE STRAIGHTENERS OFF AFTER!!

She's 14, not 4. I'd be tearing my hair out tbh, or maybe my DH's... they need to be a united front, and he can't just take the easy route every time - some really active parenting is needed.

Good luck to your friend. I hope she can get DH to see from her side and it doesn't all just end in tears x

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MushMonster · 02/08/2021 19:30

He is not a good parent at all! His DD is leaving them on! What is wrong with him? No safety concerns from him?
Your DF needs to make the straighteners disappear, for real, next time. She needs to talk to her DH, this is not going well at all.... or either he bothers to try to parent his daughter or it willnever work.
Your friend is being really accomodating, sharing with the step'daughter, respecting that she wants to sit on the front with her father, not making a fuss of her using the room to strsighten her hair. They should show some appreciation! Specially the damn father!
It is most likely that the girl acts like this due to unhappiness with her parents being appart, but no boundaries and respect will leave her with a broken future too. Someone needs to sit down with this girl and talk to her about how she feels, why she is acting like this, how she should be respectful and safe. That should be the father, instead of just bending to whatever she demands. He better steps up before his DD's life is ruined forever.
Or his marriage is over..... because your friend will get fed up of it sooner or later.

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sussexlady · 02/08/2021 19:30

I worked on The Apprentice programme for several years. One of the contestants used to leave her straighteners on after she had used them and left them on the old, very beautiful, original oak floor of a hugely expensive house that was rented for the programme and it burnt it badly, no flames. Another contestant deliberately tipped a whole bottle of red wine from top to bottom down a staircase which had a white carpet on it. It didn't clean off so the TV company just paid for a new one and for all the other damage they caused. These people were hoping to be picked for a job, being given a massive chance in life but they were really however clever they thought they were, and they certainly did, they were still stuck as 14 year old brats and always will - hideous.

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Tigger1895 · 02/08/2021 19:32

Obviously DH is feeling guilty about only having DD a few times and doesn’t want to be the bad guy with her. Unfortunately as a result he’s risking his marriage. He needs to grow a pair or his DD will turn into a tyrant and he’ll only have himself to blame.
Your friend also needs to grow a pair to and tell her husband to stop undermining her.

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Bythemillpond · 02/08/2021 19:36

My friend said when she raised the fire safety issue, he just said that if the house burns down they will just get all new things via the insurance

That’s what he thinks.
Arson and you don’t get a thing. Also he needs to read up on house fires and insurance. (House burned down as a child) it isn’t as simple as he thinks and our fire was through faulty electrics. (Moved in a few months before and was just getting everything liveable)

Also he won’t be claiming anything if he is killed in the fire.
He might not care about anything, including his own life. That is his prerogative but he must be aware that other people place a value on their house, possessions and life.

I certainly would never sit in the back seat of a car I owned. Time for her to do all the driving

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leavingtime · 02/08/2021 19:36

Your friend is not over reacting. Her DH and SD sounds awful, entitled and rude and are treating her appallingly. Both dreadful people with no respect, bullies. The SD sounds particularly unkind/cruel/manipulative.

I could not live in that situation, I would be gone. Seriously. DH sounds thick [re: house burning down/giving friends possessions away. Let him spend his life with his brattish daughter. I'd be out of there.

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LimeRedBanana · 02/08/2021 19:41

Why is your friend hanging around to be treated like this?

Do they have DC together? Is she trapped?

Just leave the loser.

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DaisyWaldron · 02/08/2021 19:44

Unlike most other posters, the car seating wouldn't bother me particularly. Priority for front passenger seat is in descending order of intensity of car sickness , followed by height.

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DaisyWaldron · 02/08/2021 19:45

Everything else is utterly unreasonable, though, and I don't think I could live with anyone who valued me and my safety so little.

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Bertiebiscuit · 02/08/2021 19:50

He - the step dad - is definitely the problem - no wonder his daughter is such an arsehole - runs in the family-I prescribe a massive showdown with him about his slack rubbish patenting followed by divorce if no big change in both of them

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QueenBee52 · 02/08/2021 19:50

@DaisyWaldron

Unlike most other posters, the car seating wouldn't bother me particularly. Priority for front passenger seat is in descending order of intensity of car sickness , followed by height.

I like the seat with the big wheel 😂

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AnnaSW1 · 02/08/2021 19:52

Very poor 'Dad-Ing'

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GettingItOutThere · 02/08/2021 19:52

do they live together?

if they dont, I would tell her thank god for that. If they do, she should make plans to separate finances and leave.
She has a DH problem, which then is a kid problem

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DeathStare · 02/08/2021 19:54

I'm a parent of teenagers. I see a large part of my job as preparing them for the adult world; ensuring that they have the understanding and skills to navigate situations they encounter when they are older, so that they can live successfully in university halls or a house share, so that they can have a job where they need to work as part of a team and complete what they've been asked to do, so that they can have equal relationships and keep themselves safe.

This man is failing at every part of that and in doing so he's failing his daughter. If she can't remember to switch off something she's been repeatedly told to, if she can't handle being told no, if she can't take having to sit in the bad (back) seat, if she feels entitled to other people's possessions, if she doesn't understand how to interact with people respectfully and if she throws temper tantrums to get her own way she will never hold onto a job or have lasting adult friendships or relationships.

She will be deeply unhappy and that will be her parents' fault for never having taught her the skills she needs to be happy as an adult.... and that's if she doesn't die or get severely injured because her parents prioritise her wants over safety.

That's not loving your child, that's loving a quiet life.

Anyway.... I think your friend needs to recognise what selfish man her husband is. He isn't prioritising his child over her - because NOTHING is in the child's best interests. It's in his own interests, his own selfish desire to be Mr. Popular. And he loves being Mr Popular more than he loves either his daughter or his wife.

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Talk

AIBU?

I dont think she is over reacting. Do you?