I dont think she is over reacting. Do you?

[Cheeseandlobster]

I have just had a friend over who wanted to get out of their house for a bit. She has a step dd who is 14 and who has been behaving badly. Think shoplifting, bullying another girl and being totally disrespectful to her mum.

My friend works very long hours. She only gets a lie in on a Sunday. She is often exhausted and really needs this lie in.

Over the last few months her step dd has been coming into their room and using friends hair straighteners. They are mega effective but old so don't have an automatic shut off. Step dd has been leaving them in her room switched on and then going out. Friend has explained the importance of switching them off umpteen times but step dd has taken no notice. Last week friend said if she did this one more time she would not be using them anymore. She left them on again.

Last night friend and her dh drove round to collect step dd who was staying over. Friend re-iterated the straighteners were no longer available and did she have hers with her. Step dd said no. She was keeping her hair curly.

Step dd was going shopping at a large mall today and was being collected by a friend and her parents at 8.30am as the mall is a drive away. At 7.30am stepdd came barging into the room demanding the straighteners. Friend said no. Stepdd started screaming and shouting and wailing so friends dh went into the drawers, gave her the straighteners and said he wasn't having his dd being so upset. So friend was totally walked over and was too wired and angry for her 1 lie in.

She showed me a text on her phone where her dh had said it was a big fuss over straighteners and why is she making such a big deal over it. Friend went home second guessing herself. And I am raging for her. I tried not to slate her dh but it's not about bloody straighteners at all. I am hoping I can maybe show her this thread at some point if I am right. This is not the first time her dh has let his dd walk all over my friend. For example she has to sit in the back when they drive anywhere as step dd won't sit in the back. And it's their joint car that my friend pays equally for. And her dh gave my friends old iPhone to his dd when she broke hers. He didn't ask if this was OK as he said she didn't use it anymore so what was the problem. My friend had been planning on giving it to her niece. She has a dh problem doesn't she?

[MummBraTheEverLeaking]

Spineless sod. Can she leave her straighteners with you before SD comes to visit? Not a long term solution but "sorry SD, cheese is borrowing them", then the following week "oh she's had to borrow them again, what a shame". Knock the wind out the little madam's sails.

Long term though, it's a DH problem. He's a twat.

[mbosnz]

They're her bloody straighteners! Not H's, and not SD's. If she says they're not available, they're not available, end of. Is there anything that H is particularly attached to, that she can lend out to someone? (Okay, petty, don't do it, but really!)

Also, this is a very serious safety issue. If she can't be trusted to use a potential fire hazard responsibly, then she can't use it. End of.

H and his daughter's mother can be as lax as they like about their crap, and in their home, but not when it comes to your friend's property and her home. Regardless of what the ownership set up is, this is her home as well as his.

[TheAverageUser]

That is unbelievable, I'd be so angry at him. Total lack of respect for her.

[DeflatedGinDrinker]

Not overreacting at all. I'd be FUMING. I have a 14 year old with autism who would not dare behave that way. She sounds awful and the husband sounds awful too. They are in the wrong but are making you feel like you don't matter. The husband needs to sort him and his daughter out.

[Notaroadrunner]

Another thing that would piss me off is the fact she just walked into their room. Did she knock? My kids would always knock before coming into our room in the same way I'd knock before going into theirs. This brat has no respect for your friend or her privacy. Shame your friend wasn't naked and straddling her dp at the time - might have taught the brat a lesson!

[MaMelon]

Nope - she’s not over-reacting at all. I’d be furious and would say that if he doesn’t want to cause any drama or tension with his dad then he can do it on his own.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

This is really not normal. They’re going to have a lot of issues with this girl very soon. Your friend has a real husband problem.

[thing47]

Your friend needs to be more forceful, OP. The car thing is quite ridiculous, she should say 'when DSD contributes to the cost of the car like I do, we can have a discussion about who sits where; until then she sits where she's told to'

[Mulhollandmagoo]

I couldn't stay with someone like him, I'd have that little respect for him. The worst thing is, he isnt doing his daughter any favours whatsoever by allowing her to do as she likes.

[Aprilx]

Neither of them has any respect for her. This is bad enough from step daughter but unforgivable from a husband.

[Zebraaa]

Whilst I agree he was totally in the wrong, just yesterday there was a thread with a couple disagreeing because the husband thought the child should do what they’re told and the wife said she was just trying to keep the peace. Everyone sided with the woman…. Yet today…. 😂

[IcedSpice]

For example she has to sit in the back when they drive anywhere as step dd won't sit in the back.

HAHA!! Oh what really? Get walking love

[StCharlotte]

I was going to say just buy the girl her own bloody straighteners (with a cut-out)!

But I see the problem is waaay bigger than that. She either needs to talk to her DH not in the heat of the moment. Or leave.

[Cheeseandlobster]

I am so glad it's not just me. I think my friend is just a but bowed down by it all. She has sat in the front of the car at times but usually if she is already in the car first. She has told her dh that he needs to stop saying yes all the time to his dd as he is doing her no favour.. She has an older brother and older sister who are adults and they have said this too. He just tells her to mind her own business. Actually when I read this in black and white it's worse than I thought

[Nextlevelnonsense]

Cut the plug off the hair straighteners for health and safety purposes.
Let the arse of a DH sort that one out.

Does he have any good points?

[HollowTalk]

This truly must be the tale of The Man with the Golden Cock. I can't imagine staying with a man who is so spineless and who enables such a horrible daughter. Imagine a life without either of them, OP. Surely it would be better?

[OrchestraOfWankery]

He just tells her to mind her own business

But it is her fucking business! she has to put up with it!

[beastlyslumber]

I voted YANBU as obviously your friend is being treated very unfairly and unkindly and probably needs to LTB.

However, take care. If your friend doesn't want to hear this, you run the risk of alienating her. She could blame you/shoot the messenger and then have one fewer friend on side when she is ready to ask for help. I think potentially YABU if you take responsibility for this from her.

[billy1966]

OP,
You sound like a lovely friend.

Unfortunately your friend has zero respect for herself to allow this behaviour to continue.

Her awful husband knows this and thatvis why he behaves as he does.

People with self respect wouldn't accept this behaviour.

Your friend is in for a long miserable life if she stays with him.

Even worse if she has children with him.

We teach people how they cand treat us.

She has taught her husband and step daughter that they can behave really badly towards her and she will take it.

So that is EXACTLY what they do.

[thelionqwueen]

Why does your friend agree on sitting in the back of the car? And who is responsible when the house burns down because dh doesn’t see it as a big deal that the hair straighteners is left on? Your friend needs to have more respect for herself.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

@thelionqwueen

Why does your friend agree on sitting in the back of the car? And who is responsible when the house burns down because dh doesn’t see it as a big deal that the hair straighteners is left on? Your friend needs to have more respect for herself.

Exactly. This is basic fire-danger health and safety, surely.

[Herecomesthesun70]

Dear me. I'd be removing my straighteners for a start where no one knows where they are.
Having a very strong word with DH about respecting people's things.
I'd also suggest DH sits in the back of the car if he's that bothered about his DD sitting in the front

[Aquamarine1029]

If your friend has any sense whatsoever she will run like hell away from this nightmare.

[pinkyredrose]

How often does the step daughter stay?

[Cheeseandlobster]

Step dd stays twice a week usually. I don't know if she knocked when she came into their bedroom. But she soon woke my friend and her dh. The weird part is my friends dh places on value on possessions at all. He isn't sentimental about anything. My friend said when she raised the fire safety issue, he just said that if the house burns down they will just get all new things via the insurance. I feel riled on behalf of my friend just thinking about how helpless she must feel.

I am very cautious about speaking out of turn. I lost touch with another good friend a few years ago who left her dh then went back to him. When she left him I told her he didn't deserve her and why. Then she couldn't unhear that when she went back. I like to think I would be more diplomatic this time though.