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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont think she is over reacting. Do you?

170 replies

Cheeseandlobster · 01/08/2021 12:47

I have just had a friend over who wanted to get out of their house for a bit. She has a step dd who is 14 and who has been behaving badly. Think shoplifting, bullying another girl and being totally disrespectful to her mum.

My friend works very long hours. She only gets a lie in on a Sunday. She is often exhausted and really needs this lie in.

Over the last few months her step dd has been coming into their room and using friends hair straighteners. They are mega effective but old so don't have an automatic shut off. Step dd has been leaving them in her room switched on and then going out. Friend has explained the importance of switching them off umpteen times but step dd has taken no notice. Last week friend said if she did this one more time she would not be using them anymore. She left them on again.

Last night friend and her dh drove round to collect step dd who was staying over. Friend re-iterated the straighteners were no longer available and did she have hers with her. Step dd said no. She was keeping her hair curly.

Step dd was going shopping at a large mall today and was being collected by a friend and her parents at 8.30am as the mall is a drive away. At 7.30am stepdd came barging into the room demanding the straighteners. Friend said no. Stepdd started screaming and shouting and wailing so friends dh went into the drawers, gave her the straighteners and said he wasn't having his dd being so upset. So friend was totally walked over and was too wired and angry for her 1 lie in.

She showed me a text on her phone where her dh had said it was a big fuss over straighteners and why is she making such a big deal over it. Friend went home second guessing herself. And I am raging for her. I tried not to slate her dh but it's not about bloody straighteners at all. I am hoping I can maybe show her this thread at some point if I am right. This is not the first time her dh has let his dd walk all over my friend. For example she has to sit in the back when they drive anywhere as step dd won't sit in the back. And it's their joint car that my friend pays equally for. And her dh gave my friends old iPhone to his dd when she broke hers. He didn't ask if this was OK as he said she didn't use it anymore so what was the problem. My friend had been planning on giving it to her niece. She has a dh problem doesn't she?

OP posts:
RenoSusan · 02/08/2021 17:30

Your friend is going to be so happy when she leaves this circus. Peace and respect will return to her life and she will never put up with this chaos again.

wingsanddreams · 02/08/2021 17:36

This is totally wrong. He could have bought his own daughter a straightener. The front seat always belongs to the wife/girlfriend - this is the rule! He needs to respect your friend. When he doesn't respect her enough, his daughter won't.

Hadenough2021 · 02/08/2021 17:37

Disgraceful behaviour from DH. Wonder what else he’d let her get away with.

peppermintpat · 02/08/2021 17:38

I lived with a man like this that had twins girls. Was scared to death they wouldn't want to come and see him or stay over unless they got their own way or whatever they wanted. He bought them whatever they wanted and took them to endless trips to Alton Towers etc with a bottomless wallet. If not doing that they were shopping. I despised them for their ways and ended up hated him for pandering to them. He bought their love. They are now 23, have never had a job and still live off of daddies money. He's says they (him and ex partner) created the monsters. I left him when they were 18, probably would have stayed if it wasn't for the pair of CF's and I have told him so.

Wolframhart · 02/08/2021 17:42

She doesn’t have to share her personal possessions with anyone.

Blossomtoes · 02/08/2021 17:47

@Yesitsbess

It's OK to burn the house down (and possibly kill the neighbours) because they can get the stuff back on the insurance? He sounds like a proper loony!
He’s just a smart arse. Hope the house does burn down.
CakeandGo · 02/08/2021 17:55

The straighteners incident should be the last straw for most people.
Sounds like her self respect has been worn down over time.

I’d also be chopping the plug off. Fuck the straighteners. Would be worth it to wipe that smirk off her face.

MistyFrequencies · 02/08/2021 18:01

Her DH is a cunt. I realise you're aiming for diplomatic but I don't have to be, so there it is. He is a complete cunt. And his daughter will be too if this is how both parents "parent". Your poor friend.

Hertsgirl10 · 02/08/2021 18:02

He would be divorced.

No wonder she’s out of control ffs she’s been a spoilt little princess and no ones giving her boundaries that she has to stick to .. apart from your friend.

She sits in the back 😂 DH and his devil child have absolutely no respect for her at all. She needs to go with her straighteners, phone and car!!

Happyhappyday · 02/08/2021 18:03

It’s mainly just really bad parenting on the part of DH. DD is FOURTEEN. I let my 3 year old have a rage if she’s been told no and doesn’t like it. I would definitely not give in to my 14 year old and escalate consequences for behaving that way.

If you don’t agree with your co pilot’s decision you back them in the moment and come up with a joint decision later and privately. And if he does think his DW has a right to coparent a step child then he sure as shit doesn’t get to dictate if her possessions must be shared. Personally I’d cut the plug off my straighteners but then I don’t really use them…

cherish123 · 02/08/2021 18:07

The phone - not really an issue.

SD sounds really rude.
The straighteners - fire safety issue. If I was your friend I'd hide them away and say no way.

ThistleTits · 02/08/2021 18:14

Wouldn't be in the back and I'd fkg cut the lead of the straiteners. Then I'd be at a divorce lawyer. No wonder the daughter is a brat, her father encourages it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/08/2021 18:14

I'd cut the lead off the straighteners.

And buy myself a pair of really good quality cordless ones that can be hidden so that neither know of their existence.

ChittyChittyBangBangChicken · 02/08/2021 18:15

Her step-daughter is a nightmare, but with such a crappy father who has clearly spoiled her rotten, it's no wonder.

Your friend would be better off without a man who so clearly doesn't respect her.

Waterfallgirl · 02/08/2021 18:17

I think it’s pretty unanimous OP! To those suggesting to buy DSD her own straighteners - no way!

BluebellsGreenbells · 02/08/2021 18:20

There are things that can’t be replaced.

Yes she’s a nightmare but look who’s she’s taking after.

She needs to lay down the law here and ignore the smart arse answers, because as much as he’s done it for a quiet life, so has she, she allows him to trample on her boundaries as much as the DSD temples over them. Pair of piss takers!!

adeleh · 02/08/2021 18:24

Both father and daughter sound appalling.

Yorkshiretolondon · 02/08/2021 18:25

Yes DH wants a quiet life but unfortunately he’s going to cause his dd far more problems in the long run. She’ll never respect him and will even quite possibly have problems in her own relationships - expecting to get her own way is not Great in the positive relationships stakes
Your friend needs to explain this to DH and certainly tell him he can do as he likes but when It comes to her it’s not happening! Sitting in the back of the car while the child sits in the front…. Really !!

summercupcake · 02/08/2021 18:26

Erm sorry...she's made to sit in the back seat?!

What the actual fuck....that right there symbolises everything. Your friend doesn't have a SD problem she has a DH problem!

PeachyPeachTrees · 02/08/2021 18:29

Does she come in the bedroom in the morning while your friend and her partner are in bed? I wouldn't be allowing that either.

He's worried about loosing his daughter but your friend needs to lay it on the line and say if things don't change, she is leaving. If it doesn't change, then she should leave and find someone better.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/08/2021 18:29

Your friend needs to sit in the drivers seat and let DH sit in the back.
She also needs to tell DH to stop encouraging bratty behaviour or fuck off.

MyShoelaceIsUndone · 02/08/2021 18:32

Pick your battles

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/08/2021 18:33

@queenMab99

I am not normally a vengeful person, but I would smash the straighteners with a hammer rather than let her use them again.
Grin Me too.
MarleneDietrichsSmile · 02/08/2021 18:35

What a dreadful man

Making her sit in the back of her own car is Shock and almost Grin

It’s a shame your friend accepts to be treated like this. Personally, I would not stay with this man and his daughter, neither of whom respect her…

TheCupboardOfChaos · 02/08/2021 18:36

OP, the 99% who say YANBU are 100% right.

Your friend has a massive DH problem, and it's not one that's going to go away. It's hard to know if he or his DD is worse.

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