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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holidays costs when not living together

245 replies

ImMale · 29/07/2021 01:25

Looking for some advice, please.

I'm a dad of 2 young (under 10) kids, I have a girlfriend whom I've been with about 10 months and who has a 10-year-old. We do not live together.

I earn 4 or 5 times her salary.

I want to go on holiday, I can afford and am happy to pay for all 5 of us. She can't afford to contribute at all, so the option would be either we don't go, or I go with my 2 kids.

She doesn't seem to have any issues or concerns with me paying for us all.

Is this normal?

Am I being taken advantage of, or is it reasonable for me to pay for the 5 of us given the massive disparity in our incomes?

I see a future with my girlfriend but I just need someone to sanity check that I'm not being a complete idiot here.

Not sure it's important, but the price of a holiday would be around the £5-6k mark + all the extra you spend while away.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/07/2021 01:26

If you see this as a future family, and you're happy, and she contributes practically and pays according to her means, I'd say go for it.

If I was her I'd not accept, rabid feminist that I am, but everyone sees money differently.

Ponoka7 · 29/07/2021 01:34

If she wasn't prepared to allow you to pay then your relationship would be doomed because of the income disparity. Would you be prepared to settle for the type of holiday that she could afford? It's either downgrade your holiday until you've been together longer or you pay. If you think that you are being taken advantage of you might as well end it.

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 29/07/2021 01:35

She can't afford to go on holiday or contribute , so would likely cut her cloth (go camping!) to what she can afford.

You want to go in a holiday she can't afford but you want her to go with you (with her child)

You earn 4/5x as much as her and have offered to pay for it all so she can accompany you. And presumably help entertain your DC together with you as well as hers.

She's not taking advantage of you- unless she's the one that chose the expensive holiday and insisted on you paying!

You can go away with just your two young DC on your own or you can choose to do what you've suggested. You're not being taken advantage of, if it is a choice you are making with no pressure and full awareness of costs.

Anordinarymum · 29/07/2021 01:38

How do you expect her to behave? It reads to me as if you are the one with the problem here OP.

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 01:38

@Ponoka7

Thanks for the reply. Does that mean that it would be unreasonable for me to holiday with just my own children (for the record I have another holiday planned without her with just my kids).

She's never she child on holiday and I doubt she could afford any type of holiday at the moment given the insane prices, so downgrading isn't exactly an option.

I don't feel she's taking advantage, if I did, I'd not have offered, I am just wanting confirmation that I'm not being totally stupid here.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 29/07/2021 01:41

It really depends how you feel about it. Are you going to keep reminding her that you’ve paid for the holiday?
When the kids fall out (which they will) is the fact that’s you’ve paid going to cause problems.

If she can’t afford to contribute then she can’t, only you l own whether she can, but if you can afford and genuinely want to pay for you all then that’s a nice thing to do. As long as there os no pressure from either of you.

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 01:42

@Notwavingbutdrowing3

Thanks for talking some sense. Sounds like I'm on the right track. It's just hard to know sometimes. We come from very different backgrounds and what is normal for me, is not for her, and I guess I just don't want someone to like me for the wrong reasons. I don't want to appear like I'm "taking her on a luxury holiday" (it wouldn't be luxury) but she's never been on holiday with her child before so it would be a significant event, but at the same time for me and my kids, it's a pretty normal thing to go on holiday for a week etc (pre covid of course).

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 29/07/2021 01:43

Also have you thought about rooms? And rooms splits. As a single parent this would be a slight problem. To be honest, if I was her, I’d rather just go on holiday with you, rather than everyone, 10
Months isn’t that long for the children to go on holiday together.

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 01:44

@Anordinarymum

Most likely, that's why I'm asking :).

See my previous comment, this is something significant for her, but not for me, it's really hard for me to really gauge if I'm being too nice, or it's just normal.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 29/07/2021 01:46

[quote ImMale]@Anordinarymum

Most likely, that's why I'm asking :).

See my previous comment, this is something significant for her, but not for me, it's really hard for me to really gauge if I'm being too nice, or it's just normal.[/quote]
So did you offer to pay for her holiday ? Did you suggest the idea of the holiday? What part of this am I not getting? Do you want her to grovel?

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 01:47

@Freddiefox

Thanks - there's no doubt about the affordability aspect from her, I know that she isn't "just being tight".

I do want to, and I can afford it, I just don't want to be tooo generous after only 8 months (if that's a thing?)

Certainly not going to remind her who paid or anything like that, and she'd definitely contribute to buying some drinks and/or dinner while we were away etc.

OP posts:
StarCourt · 29/07/2021 01:47

@ImMale
^
'it's really hard for me to really gauge if I'm being too nice'
^
Seriously??

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 01:49

@Freddiefox

The kids regularly sleep in eachothers rooms here. They've spent a LOT of time together over the last 8 months and we've only had one disagreement (over Minecraft) so I'm not overly worried about that side of things. Rooms are certainly a consideration though as most places are 2 bedroom,.

OP posts:
LtDansleg · 29/07/2021 01:50

It seems like you’re already begrudging doing it. You want her to go but you know she can’t afford it, what do you expect her to do? So you’ve now offered to pay for her and her kids, but you’re put out that she’s happy to accept your offer? You sound like hard work. If you want to do it then do it. Why does it matter whether what people on the internet think, and what do you mean by is it ‘too nice’?

Ponoka7 · 29/07/2021 01:50

If you see a future with her, then I'd say it's a normal thing to do.

Freddiefox · 29/07/2021 01:50

[quote ImMale]@Freddiefox

Thanks - there's no doubt about the affordability aspect from her, I know that she isn't "just being tight".

I do want to, and I can afford it, I just don't want to be tooo generous after only 8 months (if that's a thing?)

Certainly not going to remind her who paid or anything like that, and she'd definitely contribute to buying some drinks and/or dinner while we were away etc.[/quote]
Sorry, I feel you’re trying to be nice to her, but there’s something a little strange about the way you say ‘am I being too generous’ I can’t put my finger on it .

However of that feeling is at play, then no you shouldn’t pay for them all. Just go away with your children. See how the relationship progresses.

abstractprojection · 29/07/2021 01:51

It really depends on what kind of person she is and you have to go with your gut

Her ease with you paying for it all which seems to concern you could be a sign that she expects it and more (and if you earn 4-5 her salary and are maybe older? could well be). But it could also be that she’s just not putting on the faux I’ll contribute or I’ll pay you back that spongers can be quite good at

I mean she knows she can’t, you know she can’t, she knows you know she can’t so why suggest it if you’re not happy to pay for it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/07/2021 01:51

I went out with an absolutely minted bloke once. I never dared to see what the presents he bought me cost because I'm sure it was eye watering and certainly not things I would have bought myself.

But he saw it as buying presents at a price HE was comfortable with at the level of relationship we were at. He'd rather shop at Selfridges than Amazon so that's what he did.

We did go on a couple of holidays but we compromised. So yes to cheap skiing but no to Gstaad.

And of course you can go with just your little family. That's OK even when you're married! I've gone away with DD without DH.

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 01:52

@Anordinarymum

I said I want to go on holiday.

She said, "that'd be really nice".

I think there was a presumption I'd pay, but that's probably my own doing.

As I said, I just don't know if this is normal? Is it normal for a guy to pay for his "new" gf and kid to go on holiday with them? I honestly don't know.

I am happy to, but I also want to know what I'm happy with is reasonable.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 29/07/2021 01:52

It’s almost Kirk yoga retreat weighing up if she worth it. Which is fine, but if you have to think about it, don’t do it, and I think it will cause resentment from you to her.

JacquelineCarlyle · 29/07/2021 01:52

Goodness, you sound like hard work Op. You know she can't afford it, so either you pay or go without her - I assume you offered and she accepted. Doubt there's anything sinister to it and feel quite sorry for her as presumably she accepted in good faith and yet you're worried she's a money grabber. I honestly hope she finds a decent partner who has faith in her and the relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/07/2021 01:53

I'd be more concerned that your children are so close after such a short relationship. They should barely have met, if at all.

Freddiefox · 29/07/2021 01:53

Like you- not yoga retreat

LtDansleg · 29/07/2021 01:53

[quote StarCourt]@ImMale
^
'it's really hard for me to really gauge if I'm being too nice'
^
Seriously??

[/quote]
This is what I picked up on. The op seems to see himself as some sort of hero by considering taking his girlfriend on holiday. He must be way too nice and generous 🙄

AJGranny · 29/07/2021 01:53

So you've asked her to go and said you're happy to pay (both to her and us) but the fact she's excepted is some kind of problem? Are you trying to trip her up? Don't offer if you don't mean it, it's unkind and weird trying to catch her out like that.