Holidays costs when not living together

[ImMale]

Looking for some advice, please.

I'm a dad of 2 young (under 10) kids, I have a girlfriend whom I've been with about 10 months and who has a 10-year-old. We do not live together.

I earn 4 or 5 times her salary.

I want to go on holiday, I can afford and am happy to pay for all 5 of us. She can't afford to contribute at all, so the option would be either we don't go, or I go with my 2 kids.

She doesn't seem to have any issues or concerns with me paying for us all.

Is this normal?

Am I being taken advantage of, or is it reasonable for me to pay for the 5 of us given the massive disparity in our incomes?

I see a future with my girlfriend but I just need someone to sanity check that I'm not being a complete idiot here.

Not sure it's important, but the price of a holiday would be around the £5-6k mark + all the extra you spend while away.

[aliyia84]

@FloraFox

Our older children are all teenagers now at an age fully capable of being alone for a few hours without an adult or babysitter, so it doesn't really apply to us anymore. But when they were younger, there was never any expectation that we would immediately be the default person to look after the other's child. If we offered and were happy to, and had no other plans, then great. And each of us did this for the other many times. But my point was that there was no expectation placed upon the other from the start of the relationship with regard to this. It was always a choice on both parts to be involved to whatever extent we chose. If I had needed to work weekends when my daughter was younger (I didn't so it's hard to imagine that situation), then yes, i would have made arrangements for my daughter to either have gone to her other parent or a childminder/babysitter. I wouldn't have expected my partner to just be available to care for my child in my absence. Your post to the OP read as though he ought to address his reluctance to care for his partner's children, almost as though this would be expected of him.

[FloraFox]

Aliyia84 you possibly read it that way because of your own circumstances and a perceived slight on your arrangements, which you are imagining in the context of the OP because you didn't need to address the situation he may be in with his GF.

In all honesty though, I do find it ungiving to not do some childcare in a blended family especially where one partner does not have another parent on the scene so maybe that came through in my comment. Ultimately each to their own but I wonder if the OP would be planning to do the laundry / shopping / meal prep for his kids and not expect the GF to do it.

My intended point was that the OP stated that he wants his GF (or any GF) to be poorer than him and maybe he'd be okay with her being more financially dependent on him so long as she is suitably grateful. I definitely don't think he ought to address his reluctance to care for his partner's children. Based on what he's said, I think she'd be better off without him and he'd be better off with some other poor woman who will make him feel good about bestowing his bounty upon her.

[Sandinmyknickers]

Why do your friends know that you're paying for it all? Why have you discussed that aspect of it with them? I personally think that's pretty disrespectful to your partner, to discuss their finances (not joint with yours. Their personal finanxes) with your friends.
And before you say but uts obvious, she's a poor nurse and they know that". There are plenty ty of lower earning people who still.pay 50/50 on holidays.
I don't see any problem with you paying for her, and I think you shouldn't think of it as an investment that was poorly invested if you break up..but that you want her there, you want to share this holiday with her, and it will be a overly memory regardless of what happens in the future.

But...please stop discussing an independent woman's financial situation with your friends.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

FWIW no woman has ever dumped a man for being “too nice” or “too generous”. When they say that is the reason they are being kind, and he’s usually too dull or too controlling with his apparent generosity, causing guilt and a power imbalance. A man ‘love bombing’ you with gifts early in a relationship can be a sign of someone seeking gratitude that they can hold over you. Presuming your offer of a holiday was done without any expectation that she’s eternally in your debt, then it’s not too much.

My DP earns significantly more than I do. If we go away just the two of us then he usually pays the lions share - we’ve had some amazing holidays which I’ve helped to choose and plan but haven’t had spare funds to contribute towards. I will usually pay for a couple of meals out and/or the taxi to the airport, plus various days out etc so my few hundred pounds v a couple of thousand from him is probably proportional.

Difference being, I will then have to be careful with spending for a while to make up the money I’ve spent whereas he will just pop it on his AmEx and not really notice it going out over the next few months.

Once I tried paying for him to go away as a birthday treat. Booked AirBnB and looking at easyJet flights. He then decided he may as well use his air miles for BA flights, and he paid the extra to upgrade the accommodation to a nice hotel, as he’d prefer that etc so my nice gesture ended up being much like all our other holidays, with him paying most of it!

When we have been away with all the kids a couple of times he has happily paid, as he loves my kids and wants them to have a nice holiday occasionally too. I’ve only been able to take them abroad once (credit card I’m still paying off several years later!) but they have been a couple of times with their dad too, so I don’t feel too bad going without them, as I can’t expect my DP to pay for them every year. Like you OP, he does take his DC away with other family etc once a year too. He’s very lucky to be able to afford to treat the people he loves. He knows full well if I were able to, that I’d do the same for him, which is the most important thing here.

[TheOneWithThe]

@Bagamoyo1

"I think we all know that if a woman posted asking a similar question, she’d be told her partner was a cocklodger and that she shouldn’t waste her money on him."

I disagree. The consensus on mumsnet is usually if you invite, then you expect to pay. The OP hasn't even given his girlfriend a chance to offer anything towards the costs yet, as they haven't booked it or looked into it. They live separately, she offers to pay for things when they go out, buys him beers for home etc, she doesn't sound anything like a cocklodger.

It was his suggestion, which she said "that'd be nice". Not "that'd be nice but I can't afford it so you'll have to pay 100% for me". She's probably worrying about the cost side of things. I've been in her situation where my partner earns a lot more than me, and it can be uncomfortable talking about money in a newish relationship.

If a woman posted here saying that her boyfriend who earns a six grand figure (OP has said he earns 4 or 5 times her salary, so it must be at least 100k) had asked her to go on a "naice" holiday, and then expected her to pay for all of her costs, people would be telling her to fuck the tight sod off.

[maddening]

It doesn't sound like she is taking advantage of you. You want to be able to go on holiday with her so if she can't afford it you pay or you don't go on holiday.

Taking advantage would be her demanding to go on holidays that she can't afford and demanding that you pay.

At some point though, unless she is able to drastically improve her earning potential, if you continue together and properly merge your households, you will have to accept that she cannot put as much in as you can and will need to Work out how to ensure fairness in your relationship, she and her child should not be classed as a second class citizen in your home. For example, your point about uni for your dc, is there a way of facilitating a way of her saving for her dc that is fair to you all?

Ultimately you become one team,

[StarCourt]

This is also one of the reasons I've stayed single.
My last relationship he earned just over double my salary. Not a huge disparity but also had no mortgage as house was left to him. He had loads of disposable income I just couldn't match.
Very sociable man which meant he always wanted to be out doing something which inevitably he could afford but I couldn't. He was generous and often offered to pay sometimes I said ok, more often I said no as I was very uncomfortable with it.
It ended up that the way I tried to equalise things, I always offered to do the driving every time we did something which meant I paid for petrol and parking. When it was my turn to pay for a meal out I did my research and chose well and had him to mine for dinner too sometimes. I was spending a lot less than him but ultimately I was still overspending on my budget and couldn't cope with it. He didn't realise or believe how tight my budget was and I felt like the boring one always having to say no to fun things.
It's easier being single

[Toomanyradishes]

I feel like you are assuming a lot here op unless there are huges conversations you just havent mentioned. Three things jump out

You suggested a holiday, she said thats nice, you have mentally planned a 5k holiday and are now concerned that she isnt paying for any of it but does she even know whats being planned? Maybe shes off researching some nice camp sites whilst you are fretting about being too nice

You say if you move in together you will have to look after her child on her evening shifts. Presumably as the child is 10 there is childcare in place now so has she actually said she would cancel the childcare and expect you to do it or are you just assuming

You appear to be discussing her personal fiances with your friends (you havent actively said you havent and they appear to know a lot) that is way out of order.

A couple of other points

When I met my dh he outearned me and has done for the last 10 years, after a career change I outearn him and could potentially significantly outearn him in the future. This is irrelevant to both of us because we are a couple, and equal human beings whose worth to each other is not dictated by our job titles

You seem to be assuming you will always be the breadwinner. Life doesnt always work the way we want. Would she stay with you and support you if you lost your job and couldnt get another one, became disabled in a way that stopped you from working etc. Because if she would she isnt a golddigger (i would be fairly suprised if a nurse who is bringing up a child singlehandedly was a golddigger anyway. Most golddiggers tend to jump into new relationships pretty quickly and dont stay single for long for obvious reasons)

[Anordinarymum]

If I were the girlfriend and saw this thread I would be having a long think about OP. Actually I would be having a very short think :)

[mewkins]

[quote ImMale]@eekbumbler

No, I'm not David or a Solicitor!

Where do you find someone (woman) who earns 150k and is not stuck up/wants more.

From what I have seen, the very very few women who would be in that sort of salary bracket are divorced from families with significantly more so would be unhappy with a man who earned the same as her.

Regardless, I want someone who I love, not someone who's wealthy.

Is the issue with 10 months that you don't expect it to last? If he "does this with every gf", what is an acceptable length of time?[/quote]
Most go into a relationship hoping and expecting it to last. However after 2 months or even ten months you still don't really know someone. And once you have introduced kids you then have much more investment in a relationship and it can cloud your judgement. Many people I know (including me) have done the same at one point because they felt the relationship had legs. Most have had their fingers burnt in doing so. You don't really realise until you're out the other side but it is really wise to keep kids out of it until some way into the relationship.

[IcedSpice]

[quote ImMale]@MrsTerryPratchett

Yes and Yes, they really like her, they just think it strange that I'd pay for "their" holiday, which isn't how I see it at all, I see it as a family holiday.[/quote]
why do your kids (under 10) have any knowledge of who id paying for what???

[DeflatedGinDrinker]

We divide it between us based on how many kids we have and pay our share of it

[DeflatedGinDrinker]

Bfs got 1 extra child than me so works out well 😆 I always pay less

[EmmalineC]

I'm a nurse (a noble profession apparently) and I wouldn't like to be treated as a charity case. If my considerably richer than me boyfriend suggested an all-inclusive holiday in the Maldives, then I would gently suggest relocating said holiday to the Canaries, so that I could afford to go halves. I certainly wouldn't want to be indebted to someone for the sake of a week in the sun.

[ImMale]

Thanks for all the replies.

I agree she isn't taking advantage. I would feel immensely selfish and tight if I expected her to contribute significantly. Earning 4+x more probably means I have probably have 8-10x more disposable income.

[ImMale]

@IcedSpice

That was in regards to my friends not my children.

[SupermanWithTheGreyHair]

Earning 4+x more probably means I have probably have 8-10x more disposable income.

You earn more than 4 times what she does....I had no idea, you should have said. 😏

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

So, ImMale, you've discussed this with your friends... and you then needed to start a thread about it? On a board predominantly read and posted on by women.

You have far more disposable income than your girlfriend. I would have thought it to be a no-brainer really. Decide what you are willing to put in the pot and cut your holiday cloth accordingly and, if paying the lion's share, doing so without expecting an enormous fanfare.

What was your motive? I'm mildly curious.

[billy1966]

OP,

I find it honestly bizarre that you are discussing this with so many people in your life.

On this point alone if I was this woman I would get the Ick and end things.

You clearly are well paid but can't make a basic financial decision about a few thousand euros?

Really?

It's a weeks holiday, not a years cruise.