Holidays costs when not living together

[ImMale]

Looking for some advice, please.

I'm a dad of 2 young (under 10) kids, I have a girlfriend whom I've been with about 10 months and who has a 10-year-old. We do not live together.

I earn 4 or 5 times her salary.

I want to go on holiday, I can afford and am happy to pay for all 5 of us. She can't afford to contribute at all, so the option would be either we don't go, or I go with my 2 kids.

She doesn't seem to have any issues or concerns with me paying for us all.

Is this normal?

Am I being taken advantage of, or is it reasonable for me to pay for the 5 of us given the massive disparity in our incomes?

I see a future with my girlfriend but I just need someone to sanity check that I'm not being a complete idiot here.

Not sure it's important, but the price of a holiday would be around the £5-6k mark + all the extra you spend while away.

[feelingmehtoday]

I think it's a really kind gesture. I did similar a few months after DP and I met (no kids involved, just a holiday for the two of us, and at a third of the costs you describe) - but similar idea. I was the higher earner and I wanted us to go on holiday so I paid for it all. I saw a future for us though. 6 years later we are still together with a baby, and he now earns a similar amount to me and contributes equally. I went with my gut about the future of the relationship and the type of person he was, essentially. Not sure if that helps.

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

I’m not sure I’d pay if there was no offer to even pay a token amount or the expectation that because my salary was higher I’d fund it. I’d have to much pride to have it paid for me and would have said no but let’s make a plan to save together.

It seems way to soon though for the children to be mixing as you’re barely dating.

[feelingmehtoday]

@Roselilly36

You don’t sound particularly committed to her, if you weighing up whether you should be paying for a holiday to include her and her children. If you consider her as a partner, I don’t think it would be something you would even think about, perhaps you ought to think about that.

A comment that absolutely would never be said of a woman asking exactly the same question on here. It's fascinating on here sometimes...

[feelingmehtoday]

In fact... a woman would be told to think about and weigh it up more.

[TeenMinusTests]

I think you are over thinking.

[feelingmehtoday]

@ImMale

I'm sick of this "you're asking on MN", Is it not positive that someone has come here to ask for advice on decisions they are making? What's negative about asking for advice.

Yep. With you on this one.

[Lulu1919]

What sort of holiday ?
How much extra will it cost you to take two extra people ?
How about sit and chat to her....something like -we could go to ? ..I'm happy to pay for accommodation but then I thought we make a kitty for food etc ....what do you think GF ?

[Outbutnotoutout]

It depends on what she earns.

If she is bringing home UC and is barely scraping by, hand to mouth then I wouldn't expect her to contribute.

But if she is earning a decent wage, it's just that you have a very good job, then divide the total price by 5 and she can pay her share.

Also depends on how long you have been together 1yr, go on your own. 2+ share

[halfthesun]

Hello, my bf of nine months earns 5 x my salary, I'm a teacher. Initially I insisted 50:50 on everything but recently we have come to the agreement I pay 20%. He has made it crystal clear he is happy to pay for everything but this just seems fair. We have just spent one amazing week in Portugal in a hotel there is no way I could afford to pay 50% of - this works for us. But I'm not sure how I would feel about him paying for my children ... can you find a compromise like ours? Where she contributes what she can afford?

[ChunkySloth]

[quote ImMale]@Anordinarymum

I said I want to go on holiday.

She said, "that'd be really nice".

I think there was a presumption I'd pay, but that's probably my own doing.

As I said, I just don't know if this is normal? Is it normal for a guy to pay for his "new" gf and kid to go on holiday with them? I honestly don't know.

I am happy to, but I also want to know what I'm happy with is reasonable.[/quote]
Yes it is. If you see a future with her and can envision shared finances/home/life with her then yes, pay. Why not? It's a lovely thing to do. Don't overthink it like the man hating harpies on here will make you do, I haven't read the full thread yet but no doubt someone has accused you of trying to buy and take advantage of her already 🙄

[Ivy48]

Tbh if she can’t afford it then don’t go or go just with children. It’s not just the holiday it’s spending money, passport, clothing and toiletries etc which if she doesn’t already have holiday clothes could be quite expensive. Just talk to her. It’s your choice to pay if you want she’s quite clearly said it’s not in her budget. My partner paid
For our first holiday but I got my spending money and clothing together etc. Don’t force her into a hole with trying to find money she hasn’t got

[GameSetMatch]

If it was me I’d pay for my partner and her child just so I’d have some adult company on holiday.

[TimetohittheroadJack]

It's not really worth the hassle of going abroad this year especially if there's a risk she has to quarantine on the way back, so what about a long weekend in a lodge/cottage? I know everywhere is pretty fully booked but I'd bet you could get a min- fri break in a lovely place for ~1000-1500£.

You pay that and then split the food/trips out costs. That way it feels fair.

[tempester28]

It's pretty simple - if you want to go with her but she can only go if you pay - then you either pay and go or don't pay and don't go.

[feelingmehtoday]

[quote ImMale]@CliffsofMohair

I politely disagree. I am very happy with the situation from my own perspective, I am much more concerned if what I consider to be OK is actually OK.

I'm a bit concerned you're suggesting that it's wrong for me to question my own decisions and seek advice?[/quote]

Quite. How many women post here every day questioning their lives and decisions and asking for advice? Yet a man does it - "you're obviously not happy with this relationship or wouldn't be asking on here".

🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

[SupermanWithTheGreyHair]

If I was reading this as your partner, I’d be really put off.

Firstly, she’s a grown woman, don’t refer to her as a ‘girl’. 🤢
Secondly, I’d be pissed of that you were asking randoms about this. If, as you say, you’re worried that it could be seen as she owes you something, then talk to her. See how she feels about it.
Thirdly the ‘am I being too nice’ 🤢 I think you thought you’d come on here and be swooned over as this ‘lovely’ bloke, a ‘high earner’ being so kind to this low earning woman. Seriously. She’s a mum to a 10 year old, a nurse, she’s been fine without you til now. It’s patronising AF.

And my last point is that you introduced your kids to each other after a couple of months. Absolute madness, very confusing for all the kids. I never understand the rush to push kids together just because they’re parents are dating. You talk about your kids loving her, I very much doubt that. They’re just going along with things as they had no choice. It’s all very rushed. Poor kids.

The tone of your posts just doesn’t sit right with me. You sound detached, like you’re watching it happen, not actually being part of it, thinking you’re above it all. It all sounds odd.

[vivainsomnia]

The issue is that it could indeed set precedence. She could be a lovely person who would be as happy developing a relationship with you if you had nothing at all, or the incentive to go out with you is your income and what it could offer her and her child.

Once you agree to pay everything for a holiday, what stopping her to expect it everytime. The question is with a child in school FT, what is her situation that she doesn't have a penny saved to take her child on holiday. This would raise some alarm bells for me in your shoes.

[TalkingOutYerArse]

Money well spent to see how you all get on for a decent duration of time if you ask me.

[FawnFrenchieMum]

I think it all depends on how she behaves day to day. Does she expect you to pay for everything or does she chip in and contribute.

Did she start looking at holidays she couldn’t afford and ask if you fancied it or did you put the suggestion out there? If you I don’t see any problem in it.

[TomAllenWife]

OP you're getting a rough ride here.

Just ignore the batshit crazy ness where you need to wait 2 years before introducing your kids to anyone!!!

I am in a very similar situation. My partner earns a lot more than I do. We've been together for 3 years now and I still feel uncomfortable with some things (this weekend he gave me £200 to spend away with my kids!)
He has paid for us all to go on holiday (his children and mine), but will also take his on his own and we go on holidays without any of the kids

I think the difference with people taking the piss. I pay my way wherever possible, I will treat him to dinner, or lunch, or a night away when I can afford it. I still offer to pay half for meals out etc so if she is doing this then I think she has good morals rather than being some sort of gold digger

[feelingmehtoday]

I'm just laughing at all the comments along the lines of "how dare you discuss this on the internet with strangers - I'd be mortified!"

But ladies - if you need to discuss anything and everything about your male partner, from their salary to their penis size, there's a group of strangers on the internet willing to give their opinions in a heartbeat.

Hmmm.

[gingerbiscuits]

OP, you sound completely lovely & your relationship/blended family situation is obviously working for you all, so ignore what everyone else thinks - as long as you guys are happy, who cares? 💗

For what it's worth, I've been happily married to my husband for 20yrs now & the 1st Summer we were together, he wanted to go on a foreign holiday, as that was normal for him. However, at the time, he earned 3 x my salary & I felt very uncomfortable about accepting his offer to pay for the entire holiday as I most definitely wasn't in a position to afford it. We ended up going & I paid for as much as I could. I think it worked out OK as we both knew the relationship was serious, even though we'd only been together a few months. We did have friends & family voicing their concerns but we just ignored them!

Following that, we talked at length & going forward, we agreed to split finances relative to what we earned, so I would pay 1/4 of everything 'big' & him the remaining 3/4. Worked well for the 1st year or so at the beginning of the relationship - took the pressure off.

Go on holiday! Have a lush time together & don't stress about it. Life's too short!

[Katela18]

I think the main issue here is you are wondering too much about outside expectations / views.

Noone on here knows the inner nuances of your relationship. It sounds to me like you want to go on a family holiday with her on her child, and you are happy and able to pay. It also sounds like it was your idea initially. So i wouldn't say she is taking advantage of you in any way. It would be different if she had been nagging you about a holiday and only showing you hotels with 5* accommodation.

I think just stop worrying about the 'am i being stupid' and take it at face value, she wants to spend time with you and your children, as do you. So go for it and enjoy your holiday :)

[Kingoftheroad]

I really feel for her. You’ve discussed her finances with your friends/family, which is bang out of order as no doubt she told you things in confidence.

She’s kind, caring, generous, loving - does an admiral difficult job, makes no demands on you. You offer to take her on holiday, which she’s never done before with her child. She’s clearly excited about it. This holiday will be much needed for her, given current covid circumstances at work.

Now you doubt her and by the sounds of things begrudge spending money.

Sounds to me as though you are questioning this lovely girls integrity.

How would you feel if she were to read this.? or find out you’d been discussing her private business she be devastated. Trust me the relationship would be over.

[Katela18]

Also, I should add when I met my partner, he earnt much more than I did. We went on holiday 6 months into the relationship and he paid a considerable amount more than I did. It was his idea and he just wanted us to be able to holiday together. We are getting married next month and have a baby together so it all worked out :)