Holidays costs when not living together

[ImMale]

Looking for some advice, please.

I'm a dad of 2 young (under 10) kids, I have a girlfriend whom I've been with about 10 months and who has a 10-year-old. We do not live together.

I earn 4 or 5 times her salary.

I want to go on holiday, I can afford and am happy to pay for all 5 of us. She can't afford to contribute at all, so the option would be either we don't go, or I go with my 2 kids.

She doesn't seem to have any issues or concerns with me paying for us all.

Is this normal?

Am I being taken advantage of, or is it reasonable for me to pay for the 5 of us given the massive disparity in our incomes?

I see a future with my girlfriend but I just need someone to sanity check that I'm not being a complete idiot here.

Not sure it's important, but the price of a holiday would be around the £5-6k mark + all the extra you spend while away.

Hmm OP you don’t seem happy with the income difference. My ex was like this and it used to really annoy me. I was a student so was on the breadline, whilst he was in a good graduate job so earned about £35k more than me. I couldn’t afford to go on holiday or go to nice restaurants, which I was totally fine about - I was happy with camping and take aways. However he wanted these finer things in life (fair enough) and he wanted to enjoy them with me… but he clearly resented paying for me and wanted me to be grateful all the time.

Thing was, really the money he spent “on me” was actually money spent on him, as he was the one who wanted to do these things and he wanted me to be there with him, whereas I was very happy for us to just do things only I could afford.

I am now a high earner and never resent for a second any money spent on DH, who earns less than me. Because I love him, want him there and I can afford it! I think the issue here is that you’ve moved a bit fast with this GF. Around now I’d expect the two of you to be going on a romantic weekend away just the two of you, that would be much more affordable and I’m sure you’d see it as more of an acceptable “present” than a family holiday “for them”. They’re probably fine without one going on one and wouldn’t have expected it, so yes, I think you offered it a bit early in the relationship and are now getting cold feet.

Maybe just tell GF you think it’s a bit soon and you’d rather go away just the two of you first?

You have to take chances sometimes.

Not sure I agree if you have children. I'd never "take a chance" that might compromise my DC's well-being.

I think paying for her and her DC is fine, just book and go and have fun.

You earn 4-5 times what she does, OP. Why is this even a question? Why offer if you then need to come onto a chatboard for validation?

Ask yourself, if the situations were reversed, do you think she'd be posting here navel-gazing about spending money on a holiday for you all? Doubt it.

I agree, there's something off with your thread and posts. I would say to forget it. Go on holiday with your own children. If your relationship lasts till next year, you can think about it again. For now, you keep all your little pennies safe and sound away from her.

I think we all know that if a woman posted asking a similar question, she’d be told her partner was a cocklodger and that she shouldn’t waste her money on him.

Going to go against the grain here but it sounds like she assumed you would be paying, and on the basis of an 8 month relationship that is pretty cheeky of her.

@Bagamoyo1

I think we all know that if a woman posted asking a similar question, she’d be told her partner was a cocklodger and that she shouldn’t waste her money on him.

No, we wouldn't all know or think that. They don't live together. OP isn't paying for her living or her bills. This is a holiday. A supposedly nice thing.

If I were her I wouldn't accept this freebie because it seems very much begrudged.

I really wish PPs would RTFT

The latest posts are typical AIBU nit picking

The question was answered within first 6 hours

No OP isn't over thinking it

It was all sorted early on but MNers have gone searching for issues that weren't there and have speculated and read between non existent lines

This thread is done. Nothing helpful is being added for OP.

If PPs want to debate issues, it's nothing to do with OP's specific situation nor original question now.

I don't mean that it isn't interesting to read PPs thoughts on life, blended DCs and holidays in general, but it is no longer relevant to original OP

You’ve said a few interesting things here OP:

• She doesn't seem to have any issues or concerns with you paying for you all and you wonder if this is normal
• Going on a holiday like this would be normal for you but a significant event for her
• You don’t want to be “too generous” after 8 months
• Your “good friend” split up with her BF last week because he was “too generous”
• You don’t want a woman who earns the same amount as you
• a single mum recently mentioned to you about a concept of men "creating a debt" by spending money on them, and making it hard to leave.
• But then you say “then when I've spent 1,000's and and [she] leaves me everyone will be like "well you shouldn't have spent money on her".”

Are you sure your problem here isn’t that she isn’t grateful enough for this generous offer you have made? That she won’t feel it creates a debt of gratitude and therefore you feel you might be wasting your money?

It’s one thing to love who you love but if you don’t want a woman who earns the same as you, you are looking for a woman who earns less than you. You’re okay with spending money on her and don’t think she is a gold-digger but you do want her to be grateful and to acknowledge your role as prince charming dispensing your munificence?

You’ve also said she feels near perfect but that you are not willing to parent her child. How do you see this being resolved? The only option I can see is that you will ask her to give up her job or reduce her hours so you don't have to look after her son. Then she will be dependent on you financially. Is that where you're heading with this but you want to make sure she is grateful enough?

@Notwavingbutdrowing3

I really wish PPs would RTFT

The latest posts are typical AIBU nit picking

The question was answered within first 6 hours

No OP isn't over thinking it

It was all sorted early on but MNers have gone searching for issues that weren't there and have speculated and read between non existent lines

This thread is done. Nothing helpful is being added for OP.

If PPs want to debate issues, it's nothing to do with OP's specific situation nor original question now.

I don't mean that it isn't interesting to read PPs thoughts on life, blended DCs and holidays in general, but it is no longer relevant to original OP

Oh go away with the annoying thread policing. I've RTFT and believe she is a bit of a CF. Sue me [hmm[

You’ve also said she feels near perfect but that you are not willing to parent her child. How do you see this being resolved?

My DP is also "near perfect", I love him with all my heart, we've been together for 6 years. But I don't parent his children, either. That's his job and because he doesn't expect it of me, it works out well for us both. Neither of us parents the other's respective children. We both jointly parent the one we have together. Works for us. Just because you're in a relationship it doesn't equal an expectation of parenting the other's children. How many times on here do we see women being told to stop doing this for their male partner's children and let him get on with it? No reason why OP needs to parent her children, now or in the future.

I think she should run for the hills tbh.

Gosh you're dating someone in a lower pay bracket than you, Christ the hero you are aren't you!

Doesn’t sound like you had a proper discussion about the holiday. After she said yes she’d like to go on holiday, did you talk about a holiday budget, when, where etc?

If you’re planning an expensive holiday, I’d probably think about next year instead, although everything is expensive now.

Phishy proved my point extremely well

I've read all of OPs posts, and sounds like @FloraFox has nailed it on the head.

I'm a nurse and my partner earns much more than me. If he'd written what you have here OP then I'd be so annoyed and upset. You've mentioned you want to go on holiday, she said "that'd be nice", no further discussion, and you're already assuming that she's expecting you to foot the bill?! You haven't even had a discussion about costs or logistics with her yet, and you're already questioning if you're being taken advantage of.

If I were your girlfriend and I read this, I'd tell you to go on holiday on your own and not bother coming back.

She works in a great profession, so I think you paying for the holiday is a lovely idea. She is not a gold digger. If she was unemployed you would get different responses here. Book the holiday, enjoy it together.

@Bagamoyo1

I think we all know that if a woman posted asking a similar question, she’d be told her partner was a cocklodger and that she shouldn’t waste her money on him.

Yep.

If you’re questioning it and asking the internet, it doesn’t sound like you’re very keen on your poor GF. It was your suggestion, not something she demanded!

@TheOneWithThe

I've read all of OPs posts, and sounds like *@FloraFox* has nailed it on the head.

I'm a nurse and my partner earns much more than me. If he'd written what you have here OP then I'd be so annoyed and upset. You've mentioned you want to go on holiday, she said "that'd be nice", no further discussion, and you're already assuming that she's expecting you to foot the bill?! You haven't even had a discussion about costs or logistics with her yet, and you're already questioning if you're being taken advantage of.

If I were your girlfriend and I read this, I'd tell you to go on holiday on your own and not bother coming back.

And this. I would also dump you.

@Bagamoyo1

I earn 4 times what my partner does. His kids are adults, mine are still at secondary school. So holidays involve me, my kids and my partner. When we go on holiday together I pay for my kids (so I’d pay for 3 flights and 75% of villa cost), he pays for his own flight and a quarter of villa cost. If we stay in a hotel he pays for his room, I pay for the family room for me and my kids. There’s no way I’d pay for his entire holiday! Why should I? He earns a wage, and I’m not a charity!

I'd call that a friend or housemate, not a partner

@Losingfaithinnhscovidapp

Phishy proved my point extremely well

What point? What are you on about?

Are you thread police too?

If you’re questioning it and asking the internet, it doesn’t sound like you’re very keen on your poor GF.

... said no woman, ever, when a woman seeks advice in relation to her male partner. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Can you imagine. "Well if you're here questioning what you should do, you're clearly not very keen on your poor boyfriend". Hmm.

@LtDansleg

It seems like you’re already begrudging doing it. You want her to go but you know she can’t afford it, what do you expect her to do? So you’ve now offered to pay for her and her kids, but you’re put out that she’s happy to accept your offer? You sound like hard work. If you want to do it then do it. Why does it matter whether what people on the internet think, and what do you mean by is it ‘too nice’?

This.

Too nice?

If you have offered, then what is the issue exactly?

If she asked you to take her on holiday, thst is different.

If she asked to join the holiday you are going on with your children AND pay, that is different.

Her accepting your offer of a holiday where you pay, is perfectly reasonable.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for you not to wish to be involved in her childcare.

Perhaps slow down because it seems very heavy for 10 months.

She sounds very nice and it doesn't sound as if she is presumptuous.

When children are involved it is wise to take things slowly.

@aliyia84

You’ve also said she feels near perfect but that you are not willing to parent her child. How do you see this being resolved?

My DP is also "near perfect", I love him with all my heart, we've been together for 6 years. But I don't parent his children, either. That's his job and because he doesn't expect it of me, it works out well for us both. Neither of us parents the other's respective children. We both jointly parent the one we have together. Works for us. Just because you're in a relationship it doesn't equal an expectation of parenting the other's children. How many times on here do we see women being told to stop doing this for their male partner's children and let him get on with it? No reason why OP needs to parent her children, now or in the future.

The OP specifically said the thinks if they move in together he will need to look after his GF's child on the evenings and weekends when she is working. Is that the same for you and your DP that you don't look after the other's children when the parent is not there? Do you have to get a babysitter in if you are going out and your DP isn't?