Holidays costs when not living together

[ImMale]

Looking for some advice, please.

I'm a dad of 2 young (under 10) kids, I have a girlfriend whom I've been with about 10 months and who has a 10-year-old. We do not live together.

I earn 4 or 5 times her salary.

I want to go on holiday, I can afford and am happy to pay for all 5 of us. She can't afford to contribute at all, so the option would be either we don't go, or I go with my 2 kids.

She doesn't seem to have any issues or concerns with me paying for us all.

Is this normal?

Am I being taken advantage of, or is it reasonable for me to pay for the 5 of us given the massive disparity in our incomes?

I see a future with my girlfriend but I just need someone to sanity check that I'm not being a complete idiot here.

Not sure it's important, but the price of a holiday would be around the £5-6k mark + all the extra you spend while away.

How could you “not have any doubts” two months in to your relationship? You are already having doubts - in that you think she’s taking advantage of your money.

How many other men (and their kids) has she introduced her child to?

@IsItAKindofDream —Wow how judgemental, how about how many other partners have they both introduced their kids too? Not that it’s any of your business!! Why always the woman who’s called out though

@IsItAKindofDream

I'm happy to diverge this thread into my parenting skills/judgement but that's not what it was about.

If I had doubts, my kids wouldn't have met her.

I've never in this thread said she's taking advantage of my money. If you read the thread you'll see that my concern is about me being too generous, nothing about her.

My concern and the reason I posted here is because I love her, am maybe slightly clouded in my judgement and wanted a females perspective on my decision making sanity.

[quote Thankgoditsbedtyme]@IsItAKindofDream —Wow how judgemental, how about how many other partners have they both introduced their kids too? Not that it’s any of your business!! Why always the woman who’s called out though [/quote]
I think you’ve misunderstood what I’m getting at but I realise I didn’t make it clear.

I’ll reword it for clarity:

OP How many other partners have you or your girlfriend introduced each of your children to?

Again for clarity - I’m not actually asking for the actual number. I’m trying to make you think about the potential parade of partners these kids are being introduced to.

@IsItAKindofDream

This is the only gf my kids have ever met.

I would think 2 or 3 for her child.

Just for balance:

My ex Wife, (we have a great relationship) was on/off with her bf for best part of a year and not they've bought a house together, thus the kids have a real "step dad", but it was a rocky road to get there. We (me & gf + ex wife + bf) all get on great, it's very short sighted to presume that there is negativity here because there are step parents involved.

That’s a lot of change for for your girlfriend’s child to deal with in a 10-year lifetime.

You are risking doing the same with your own children if this relationship doesn’t work.

What do you think that is teaching them about relationships?

@ImMale

Just for balance:

My ex Wife, (we have a great relationship) was on/off with her bf for best part of a year and not they've bought a house together, thus the kids have a real "step dad", but it was a rocky road to get there. We (me & gf + ex wife + bf) all get on great, it's very short sighted to presume that there is negativity here because there are step parents involved.

So your kids are had to deal with relationship instability with their Mum. Now you are risking it with you, too.

Are you thinking about how to model good relationships to your children?

@IsItAKindofDream

So what do you suggest?

You form am relationship, you exclude your children from it for 12 months and then they don't get on?

I'm not saying my way is perfect (it certainly isn't), but they love my gf, they get on very well with my gf child and I (we) see a future.

I literally have two choices - take a very informed, educated risk, or be single.

I've done the former.

I'm really unsure why you're being so negative about this, I presume you have a bad experience, but be asured we're not all bad.

@IsItAKindofDream

How many parents complain that their stepkids don't get along. I've done my utmost to ensure that is not an issue. If our kids did not get along I'd not have progressed this relationship.

All I want is for my kids to enjoy their life and if I'm going to have a new relationship, their happiness comes first, which means I need to fit around their needs, not them fit around my already established relationship.

Sadly, there are men who target single women in order to groom their children. OP - I’m not saying you are doing that, but your rush to include her child in your relationship is not normal. If you were doing this with a friend of mine, I would be suggesting she did a Sarah’s Law check on you.

A normal thing to do would be for you to take the risk - not share it with your children. You date your girlfriend, fall in love etc. Then meet each other’s children. If that doesn’t work out, you choose to leave the relationship. Your children have then lost nothing.

@IsItAKindofDream

I'd hope she has done a Clare/Sarah Law check on me, why would any women not? If you suspect anything then you shouldn't be with the person. The whole point of that process is that you check out the people you do not suspect.

Not sure where you've seen a "rush" for me to include her child in our relationship?

Yes, me taking the risk is a valid route, but not what I chose. My kids are a massive part of my life, they live here more than they don't, it makes snese on many levels to let them form an opinion on my gf.

Isitakindofdream has a bone to pick! This all sounds perfectly reasonable, as others say. She can’t pay, you know she can’t pay, she knows you know she can’t pay, she isn’t tight and will pay for some things and hopefully everyone has a lovely time. Your friends don’t sound too helpful on the relationship front.

The most depressing thing about this thread is that a nurse who works hard but is a single mum can’t afford a decent holiday

You said you’ve been together 10 months and the kids have been meeting for 8 months. So 2 months! Meeting each other’s kids 2 months into a relationship is a massive rush. A red flag level of rush.

Your kids should not share the risk of early relationships with you.

I’ll leave that here. Please think about your children’s emotional health.

@timeisnotaline

Absolutely. Not only that but that she qualifies for benefits.

Why/how should a nurse working in a public sector job earn such a substandard wage that that government feels the need to subsidise it....

It sounds like you are worried about how other people are perceiving the relationship?

If you two are having a good time and you can afford it but she can't I don't see the problem. It's your money, spend it as you see fit.

I do think that now you've offered them a holiday it would be pretty cruddy to uninvite them but otherwise I see no issue with you just holidaying with your kids.

@IsItAKindofDream

So is it a red flag if she introduced her child to me?

Have you never met a new friend, maybe a parent at school, and their kids played together in the park, or do you always wait 10+ months?

Have you never had friends over for a bbq ?

It's absolutely insane to suggest introducing your child to someone is a redflag.

Is your real name David and are you a solicitor?

Asking for a friend. Been there, done that - had the holiday. Was offered the house etc etc - apparently it should have been my dream.

I also think 10 months is too soon to be having such close contact between the kids.

My daughters dad seems to do this with every gf and every time they split up my daughter loses a friend.

Why can't you find someone in your own lifestyle bracket?

@StoppinBy

Thanks - that's how I feel, we like eachother and I want us to all spend time together.

thanks.

[quote ImMale]@IsItAKindofDream

So is it a red flag if she introduced her child to me?

Have you never met a new friend, maybe a parent at school, and their kids played together in the park, or do you always wait 10+ months?

Have you never had friends over for a bbq ?

It's absolutely insane to suggest introducing your child to someone is a redflag.[/quote]
What you have said is completely different to weekend sleepovers and holidays with the kids knowing you are in a relationship. One you are having to ask about on MN may I add.

@eekbumbler

No, I'm not David or a Solicitor!

Where do you find someone (woman) who earns 150k and is not stuck up/wants more.

From what I have seen, the very very few women who would be in that sort of salary bracket are divorced from families with significantly more so would be unhappy with a man who earned the same as her.

Regardless, I want someone who I love, not someone who's wealthy.

Is the issue with 10 months that you don't expect it to last? If he "does this with every gf", what is an acceptable length of time?

[quote ImMale]@IsItAKindofDream

I'd hope she has done a Clare/Sarah Law check on me, why would any women not? If you suspect anything then you shouldn't be with the person. The whole point of that process is that you check out the people you do not suspect.

Not sure where you've seen a "rush" for me to include her child in our relationship?

Yes, me taking the risk is a valid route, but not what I chose. My kids are a massive part of my life, they live here more than they don't, it makes snese on many levels to let them form an opinion on my gf.[/quote]
It makes sense for them to form an opinion on your gf?

You haven't even formed an opinion on how your relationship will work hence you are here asking.

The kids will just get on with on with it until they don't see each other any more - and I feel sad for them.

It makes sense on so many levels for your kids to form an opinion... says a man asking what is right or wrong on a forum...

Heard it all now.

I'm sick of this "you're asking on MN", Is it not positive that someone has come here to ask for advice on decisions they are making? What's negative about asking for advice.

I can't put my finger on why but this seems off. You have so much more money and suggested a holiday outside of her means. You're not being too generous to pay for it no.

Where do you find someone (woman) who earns 150k and is not stuck up/wants more.

Stuck up? Wants more? WTAF. I hope you and girlfriend don’t have daughters. They don’t need this misogyny in their lives.