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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Holidays costs when not living together

245 replies

ImMale · 29/07/2021 01:25

Looking for some advice, please.

I'm a dad of 2 young (under 10) kids, I have a girlfriend whom I've been with about 10 months and who has a 10-year-old. We do not live together.

I earn 4 or 5 times her salary.

I want to go on holiday, I can afford and am happy to pay for all 5 of us. She can't afford to contribute at all, so the option would be either we don't go, or I go with my 2 kids.

She doesn't seem to have any issues or concerns with me paying for us all.

Is this normal?

Am I being taken advantage of, or is it reasonable for me to pay for the 5 of us given the massive disparity in our incomes?

I see a future with my girlfriend but I just need someone to sanity check that I'm not being a complete idiot here.

Not sure it's important, but the price of a holiday would be around the £5-6k mark + all the extra you spend while away.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 29/07/2021 05:50

It's easy to say "if you love her..." but then when I've spent 1,000's and and leaves me everyone will be like "well you shouldn't have spent money on her".
And you say it was a great holiday and we had a great time, it was a holiday not an investment in shares that went bust, I could afford it so who cares? Really don’t get why you’re worked up about it.

BadNomad · 29/07/2021 05:58

Stop discussing the woman's finances with your friends! There is no reason any of them needed to know she can't afford to go 50/50 on the holiday. If you're happy and she's happy and all the kids are happy then that's all that matters. Does she know your judgy friends look down their noses at her being a "poor" nurse?

Liverbird77 · 29/07/2021 06:01

If I was the woman in this situation, and I knew you were discussing this in this manner, I'd tell you to shove your holiday.

It sounds like the income disparity will be a massive issue going forward. What next? "I want a large house but my girlfriend can't afford her half of the mortgage?"!!

I'd say she was cheeky if she'd asked to go on an expensive trip, but you offered. This is really odd.

TubeOfSmarties · 29/07/2021 06:07

She is a little bit damned if she does and damned if she doesn't, as one way she is apparently looking like she's taking advantage, and the other way she's being stubborn and stopping you all having a holiday together.

What would seem more sensible for me would be for you to dream up a less expensive holiday. £5000 plus spends is an awful lot.

MrsJuliaGulia · 29/07/2021 06:08

On the basis that she is not a gold digger as you’ve said yourself, it’s just a basic fact that she can’t afford to pay for a holiday. If I were in her situation and the feeling was mutual ie I was also head over heels with you and you suggested a holiday that you’d pay for, knowing I couldn’t afford it, I’d be fine with it. Knowing also that when we were away I’d contribute what I could, whether that was ice creams or drinks and dinner one or two nights.

After all, if you stay together, this will become the norm. So if you think you’re going to end up resenting it/her that’s another thing entirely.

Hope you have a lovely time and lucky you for finding someone you are mad about whom your children also really like. No mean feat.

FunMcCool · 29/07/2021 06:17

It’s a funny one as I can see both sides, on the one hand yes it’s nice for a partners to treat each other but as you’re not a family yet (10months isn’t long) I’d say 5k is a lot to spend. Maybe a short break somewhere else? A lot cheaper? And when you’re the family unit yes you should pay but until then 5k is a lot. It’s funny if this was a woman posting the posts would say hell no don’t pay!

overthinker121 · 29/07/2021 06:34

Does she appear grateful that you're footing the bill or does she seem to expect it?

MakeCrisps · 29/07/2021 06:49

I think it's too early to have let the kids get so close but it seems that boat has sailed.

As you have effectively allowed a situation where you've become a family to arise, Toure going to have to support her and her children in many ways if you want the relationship to succeed. It won't if one half of the "family" has a very different lifestyle to the other.

Whether this means she's exploiting you is very hard to know without knowing other details of your financial arrangements.

In your shoes, I'd be happy to pay for a family holiday if I wanted everyone to come, but I don't think of be doing it after 8 months.

Roselilly36 · 29/07/2021 06:51

You don’t sound particularly committed to her, if you weighing up whether you should be paying for a holiday to include her and her children. If you consider her as a partner, I don’t think it would be something you would even think about, perhaps you ought to think about that.

Nmhjchnn · 29/07/2021 07:03

I do admire you OP.

You’ve two children under 10 to look after as a single parent and you still manage to hold down a job that enables you to out earn your new partner (also a single parent) by a factor of five.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 29/07/2021 07:04

I think you just want her to say thank you, not fall all over you but show a bit of gratitude so you feel appreciated. And rightly so!

Pesimistic · 29/07/2021 07:06

I think you need to have a conversation with her, if she cannot afford the holiday maybe she can do her own spending money or pay for the meals out or something, or you go without her, I would not feel comfortable myself not paying for anything, I'd have to pay for something to try and equal the balance.

Jammysod · 29/07/2021 07:17

I think this is being way to over analysed & an awful lot of presumptions being made about you, your gf & relationship.
Just have a conversation with her about it & see how she feels.
If you're both happy for you to pay & that she will contribute what she can then there isn't really an issue.

hellcatspangle · 29/07/2021 07:18

Why can't you find someone in your own lifestyle bracket?

What a ridiculous comment 🙄

Whirlywooo · 29/07/2021 07:18

I think you're overthinking it. It shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks or says. If you're happy to pay then just book it, go and have fun.
I have had a holiday paid for by my then partner. I was eternally grateful- no way could I have afforded to pay for it in one go, but then I couldn't have accepted a 5-6k holiday - it was nowhere near that amount. But I did provide most of the spending money and we discussed it all thoroughly beforehand.
I'd have been mortified if I thought he'd been on MN discussing the ins and outs of the situation though!

Bloodyhail · 29/07/2021 07:22

How did the actual conversation go when you suggested the holiday? You say she responded “that would be lovely”. Did you say “shall we go on holiday?” Or did you say “shall we go on holiday to Greece?”. If the former then it could have been camping or a week in a caravan but she still presumed you were paying. That would bother me

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 29/07/2021 07:27

@ImMale I think you are overthinking a bit.

I would also suggest perhaps you and your girlfriend do what's right for you without so many outside opinions.

I don't mean here as it is an anonymous forum-but I would be mortified if I were her and found you were discussing our financial dealings with other pp as some may/are forming a negative view of the plans and it is really no one else's business if you are happy-so please don't go round discussing the financial ins and outs of our relationship!

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/07/2021 07:31

£5k is a lot on a holiday

Maybe chose somewhere cheaper /local for first one

You say you don’t want to live together as dont went to be full time dad to her child

Assuming they don’t see their dad

Where as you Share care with ex wife

So do you see gf and child when just the 3 of you and your dc with ex ?

Onlinedilema · 29/07/2021 07:35

Just go with your kids.

DarceyDashwood · 29/07/2021 07:36

I’d do a more modest type holiday as you’ve only been together a short while, esp as there’s kids involved. Or go away for a long weekend somewhere luxury in the uK just the two of you. It’s nothing to do with the money aspect, but a big (I presume abroad) holiday for everyone when you’ve only been together 10months seems a bit OTT to me. Why not try Center Parcs or self catering cottage etc

Farwest · 29/07/2021 07:49

Your friends are concerned about money. About you being taken advantage of, about how you'll feel if you spend £2k to take gf and her dc on holiday and then she breaks up with you next month. Is that right? (I have RTFT but am not clear on their objections.)

Well, you are an adult. You know she might break up with you at any time for any reason. You're not investing the money to pay off later (to make her stay with you), you are paying because you would like to go on holiday with her and the extra £2k is not an amount that affects your finances. Being generous is a virtue and not a fault, up to a point. And you're a long way off that point.

So my simple answer would be: don't overthink what is a non-issue for you. Pay for the holiday. Enjoy the holiday. Let her get in a round of ice creams or beers now and again. Have fun.

The bigger issue is money in your relationship, and at some point you and she will need to sort that out between you. You don't mention any desire to, but clearly marriage would be ill-advised: you have two children and their future and inheritence, etc, to think about, and how a long-off maybe divorce would affect your assets. At that point, it really is possible to be 'too generous'. If you decide to live together down the line, how would that work so that it takes some financial pressure off your longterm, much-loved partner but does not disadvantage you overmuch. Anyway, all that is the stuff for later.

But a holiday? Even a fairly pricey one? No problem. Do it. Hope you all have a great time.

kin432 · 29/07/2021 07:52

I think you sound a nice dad and boyfriend. Not sure about the comments on women who are high earners (although we were both high earners, I earned more than my husband when we had kids and I hope I didn't fall into the categories you mentioned...ouch!). I'd try to put the income disparity to one side as it doesn't sound as if she's taking advantage.

I don't think paying for her holiday is a huge deal. You're wanting to go somewhere nice that's beyond her means so I think it's the right thing to do. However, in your shoes, I'd go away separately with my kids in the first instance as I think it's nice for them to have 100% of your time given that it's a fairly new relationship. I'd then book a long weekend or whatever with everyone to see how it goes.

I'm a bit unsure about your comment that you don't want to be a parent to her child. I understand that a step-dad is a different role but it seems a bit as if you're happy for her to be very involved in your kids' lives but wouldn't be happy to do the same. I may have misinterpreted what you wrote, in which case, apologies.

jimmyjammy001 · 29/07/2021 08:25

Will she ever be able to pay for a holiday for her and her children in future? If not then you will likely be paying for years to come, if you don't live together will she be able to pay her own way if you move in together, these are all things to think about for the future and what you are happy to pay for to support someone else

notanothertakeaway · 29/07/2021 08:31

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'd be more concerned that your children are so close after such a short relationship. They should barely have met, if at all.

I thought that too

pixietinkdust · 29/07/2021 08:34

Wow some of the comments on here are really far-fetched!

OP - only you knows if you are happy in your relationship, and from what I’ve read it sounds like you are. You introduced your children early… SO WHAT! Good for you and I’m glad that they’re all getting along and you’re now blending nicely, so many struggle with this. It sounds like you’ve been in a short but intense relationship ship and I completely understand that, my partner moved in with me before 6 months. We’re still very happily together now! He is also a high earner like you, although I make £60k myself so not quite as much disparity.

What’s right for you won’t be right for everyone else, and vice versa. YOU DO YOU.

Again I’m honestly not sure where some awful judgements come from about money, although it is a touchy subject. Your girlfriend is a nurse, one of the most honourable but tiring roles there is. She sounds perfectly lovely and is a full time parent to her child, she, and only she (in the absence of the other parent), got them this far. She sounds like the kind of person I’d want to be friend with!

Book your holiday, book wherever you want to go. Don’t let people tell you a £5k holiday is ridiculous, I like nice holidays to far away destinations and I imagine you’ll be going All Inclusive as it’s far easier with kids. If you can afford it, seriously just book it. Get rid of the worries about whether it’s reasonable, you can either afford it or you can’t. Sounds like you can and therefore as long as you’re happy to do so, I hope you all have a wonderful relaxing break ❤️

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