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Original poster

Holidays costs when not living together

245 replies

ImMale · 29/07/2021 01:25

Looking for some advice, please.

I'm a dad of 2 young (under 10) kids, I have a girlfriend whom I've been with about 10 months and who has a 10-year-old. We do not live together.

I earn 4 or 5 times her salary.

I want to go on holiday, I can afford and am happy to pay for all 5 of us. She can't afford to contribute at all, so the option would be either we don't go, or I go with my 2 kids.

She doesn't seem to have any issues or concerns with me paying for us all.

Is this normal?

Am I being taken advantage of, or is it reasonable for me to pay for the 5 of us given the massive disparity in our incomes?

I see a future with my girlfriend but I just need someone to sanity check that I'm not being a complete idiot here.

Not sure it's important, but the price of a holiday would be around the £5-6k mark + all the extra you spend while away.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 04:41

@eekbumbler

Nothing at all mentioned in this thread has been about my relationship. I'm very confident and comfortable in it.

I am unsure about the appropriateness of paying for a holiday

OP posts:
Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 04:43

@IsItAKindofDream Plenty of men too, I was only singling women out in the context, stop trolling.

OP posts:
IsItAKindofDream · 29/07/2021 04:44

[quote ImMale]@eekbumbler

Nothing at all mentioned in this thread has been about my relationship. I'm very confident and comfortable in it.

I am unsure about the appropriateness of paying for a holiday[/quote]
Remove the problem. Take your kids on holiday by yourself.
Your kids will benefit from your attention.

And no-one can potentially be looking at her as a free-loader
Or looking at you as rushing a relationship to get free childcare from her, or however you are worried it looks.

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 04:44

@5475878237NC

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 04:47

@IsItAKindofDream

I actually worried that it looked like I was being a controling guy, a single mum recently mentioned to me about a concept of men "creating a debt" by spending money on them, and making it hard to leave.

That's what I'm concerned about along with me just being stupid.

I was very hesitant about posting here as I expected to get abuse, but I really though I'd get some support, and I'm glad to say I have from some, but sadly a few (like yourself) has no interest in helping me and just wants to be negative.

OP posts:
IsItAKindofDream · 29/07/2021 04:50

[quote ImMale]@IsItAKindofDream

I actually worried that it looked like I was being a controling guy, a single mum recently mentioned to me about a concept of men "creating a debt" by spending money on them, and making it hard to leave.

That's what I'm concerned about along with me just being stupid.

I was very hesitant about posting here as I expected to get abuse, but I really though I'd get some support, and I'm glad to say I have from some, but sadly a few (like yourself) has no interest in helping me and just wants to be negative.[/quote]
I’m trying to help your kids.

If you see that as abuse, so be it. I don’t.

Bumblecattabbybee · 29/07/2021 04:52

I feel that if you were entirely sure of this girl, you wouldn't be questioning this so much? It's not that unusual for a partner to pay for a holiday! Especially if they earn 5x the amount of their partner and can easily afford it. When I met my DH we were sure we saw a future together and constantly treated each other/shared money really early. This seems fairly common with people who are serious with their partners. Your post comes across as a little... Suspicious? Bitter? Like, you're not sure about this girl or aren't really wanting to merge your life with her. I feel like this might be part of a bigger issue.

HungryHippo11 · 29/07/2021 04:53

As I said, I just don't know if this is normal? Is it normal for a guy to pay for his "new" gf and kid to go on holiday with them? I honestly don't know.

Why does it matter whether its normal? If you're happy with the arrangement and so is she, why does it matter one jot what people on the Internet consider "normal"?

Hopeisnotastrategy · 29/07/2021 04:59

[quote ImMale]@pinkbubbles100

I'm sure she will have some spending money, she certainly isn't what you'd describe as "tight", just holidays cost a LOT of money.

Thanks, I feel a lot more comfortable that I'm not doing something totally out of the ordinary here.[/quote]
Holidays don't have to cost a "LOT" of money.

If you're serious about her, go somewhere cheaper.

You do sound like hard work. If this is an issue then it will always be one.

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 05:00

@Bumblecattabbybee

I don't think this is the is bigger issue.

It's more that I love this girl a lot. Like more than I've ever loved anyone.

And I feel that might cloud my judgement.

It's easy to say "if you love her..." but then when I've spent 1,000's and and leaves me everyone will be like "well you shouldn't have spent money on her".

All I'm asking from a group of women is if paying for a holiday in this context is deemed sane and reasonable.

I get the feeling it is, so thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 05:02

@Hopeisnotastrategy

Okay, find me a holiday for 9th August for 5 people.

What's your cheapest price?

OP posts:
HungryHippo11 · 29/07/2021 05:05

Maybe you would all feel better if you went on a cheaper Holiday? £6k is loads for a holiday for 5 people, does she know it will cost this much - she might feel embarrassed that she can't contribute.

HungryHippo11 · 29/07/2021 05:07

[quote ImMale]@Hopeisnotastrategy

Okay, find me a holiday for 9th August for 5 people.

What's your cheapest price?[/quote]
Depends how basic you want to go. I'm going camping on 9th August and it's costing £125 for 4 of us 🤣

Didn't realise the holiday was in 1 weeks time. It's kind of irrelevant what the etiquette is then isn't it? You can't cancel now.

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 05:08

@HungryHippo11

Find me a summer holiday less than that.

Yes she knows.

This isn't a about her. It's about me

OP posts:
Bloodyhail · 29/07/2021 05:08

In your shoes my questions would be over the longer term situation. Apologies if I’ve missed it but does her kids’ dad contribute to them financially? Earning disparity can cause problems, I’ve seen it often. Blending a family against that background can be problematic

Sunflowergirl1 · 29/07/2021 05:08

@ImMale "I appreciate I've maybe not worded everything perfectly, but as a single dad meeting someone who feels near perfect, but you need to finance the vast majority of your joint life, it's a complex situation, and I hoped to find some advice here, which I think I have."

I would worry so much about the holiday but do think hard. You say she sounds perfect which is lovely, but going forward if the relationship develops, how will you feel,about the income disparity? It isn't so much about "is she a gold digger?"...she doesn't sound to be, it is just you have achieved differently in life and sometimes that can expose differences. I have seen it with two sets of friends

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 05:09

@HungryHippo11

We've not booked. We're unlikely to go that week. I was just giving some example days

OP posts:
HungryHippo11 · 29/07/2021 05:13

[quote ImMale]@HungryHippo11

We've not booked. We're unlikely to go that week. I was just giving some example days[/quote]
Ah OK I see. Well I go on a summer holiday every year and have never spent close to £6k. As stated above our camping this year will cost under £200 for the week. Obviously this is not the sort of thing you're looking for but there are all sorts of holiday options.
You seem to think I'm being judgemental, I'm not. You'll see my first post said if you're all happy with it then it doesn't matter what anyone thinks.
However if she is on a low income, she might feel more comfortable with it (and you/your friends may feel less awkward about it) if you spent less.

NumberTheory · 29/07/2021 05:17

[quote ImMale]@IsItAKindofDream

I actually worried that it looked like I was being a controling guy, a single mum recently mentioned to me about a concept of men "creating a debt" by spending money on them, and making it hard to leave.

That's what I'm concerned about along with me just being stupid.

I was very hesitant about posting here as I expected to get abuse, but I really though I'd get some support, and I'm glad to say I have from some, but sadly a few (like yourself) has no interest in helping me and just wants to be negative.[/quote]
I can see how this could be an issue. Especially if you are giving her DC experiences she couldn't hope to give them without you.

Not that I'm saying you'd be deliberately try to do that, or that she is with you to get stuff for her DC. But I can see how you just including her and her DC in things that are normal for you but out of her price range might get to a point where she feels like she can't pull back for her DC's sake.

But it would be an equally dysfunctional situation if you only ever did things with her that she could easily afford and then had a sort of separate "better" life without her.

I don't have an answer for you. I'm just saying I don't think your concerns are crazy. Might have been better if you had waited another year or so to suggest something like a holiday, but it's only one thing and your relationship wil be a lot more than that.

IsItAKindofDream · 29/07/2021 05:17

[quote ImMale]@Bumblecattabbybee

I don't think this is the is bigger issue.

It's more that I love this girl a lot. Like more than I've ever loved anyone.

And I feel that might cloud my judgement.

It's easy to say "if you love her..." but then when I've spent 1,000's and and leaves me everyone will be like "well you shouldn't have spent money on her".

All I'm asking from a group of women is if paying for a holiday in this context is deemed sane and reasonable.

I get the feeling it is, so thank you.[/quote]
You seem more worried about having wasted money (or people thinking you were stupid to spend the money) on a holiday if the relationship breaks down, than on the impact on your children.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 29/07/2021 05:20

[quote ImMale]@Hopeisnotastrategy

Okay, find me a holiday for 9th August for 5 people.

What's your cheapest price?[/quote]
Loving all the stroppy responses.

I certainly could find you a cheaper alternative, but I won't because I'm not your personal travel agent.

MsHedgehog · 29/07/2021 05:23

When DH and I started dating, he earned around 3x what I earn. Our first big holiday together was at 10 months in. It was a squeeze for me but I insisted on 50 50. I just didn’t want him to think at all that I was taking advantage of him.

Our next big holiday was a year later. I still insisted on paying my way but he did cover more of the costs than me. So it was maybe a 60/40 split. I didn’t like it, but I simply could afford anymore,

But that’s my own approach. I didn’t want him to think I was planning to live off him.

MsHedgehog · 29/07/2021 05:26

However, if DH were to pay at the year mark as I couldn’t afford it, I would refuse anything that was expensive. But everyone is different and her acceptance of your offer does not suggest at all that she’s taking advantage.

THisbackwithavengeance · 29/07/2021 05:37

OP:

Firstly, there are plenty of women on MN who are married to high earners who don't work and would never consider working so all the angst regarding whether or not she is a gold digger or dilemma about only marrying someone who earns the same as you is somewhat unnecessary.

Secondly, why do you assume she can't pay for her share of the holidays? There seems to be a misconception in society that nurses pretty much work free of charge and are poverty stricken "angels". I earn pretty much the same as a nurse and could've afforded a holiday or at least to contribute towards one. Have you even asked her?

Thirdly, I assume you don't want to go on holiday alone with just a couple of kids and that her coming with you benefits you as well as her as you will have adult companionship and sex on holiday as opposed to spending every day doing purely kids stuff by yourself.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 29/07/2021 05:49

I think you're making a huge deal out of this. If you want her there the only option is to pay as you know she can't afford it. If you do pay she must not be constantly reminded of this or made to feel like she owes you something. If you can't book it without begrudging her then don't take her.

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