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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holidays costs when not living together

245 replies

ImMale · 29/07/2021 01:25

Looking for some advice, please.

I'm a dad of 2 young (under 10) kids, I have a girlfriend whom I've been with about 10 months and who has a 10-year-old. We do not live together.

I earn 4 or 5 times her salary.

I want to go on holiday, I can afford and am happy to pay for all 5 of us. She can't afford to contribute at all, so the option would be either we don't go, or I go with my 2 kids.

She doesn't seem to have any issues or concerns with me paying for us all.

Is this normal?

Am I being taken advantage of, or is it reasonable for me to pay for the 5 of us given the massive disparity in our incomes?

I see a future with my girlfriend but I just need someone to sanity check that I'm not being a complete idiot here.

Not sure it's important, but the price of a holiday would be around the £5-6k mark + all the extra you spend while away.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 29/07/2021 01:54

I think she’s a gold digger Hmm

LtDansleg · 29/07/2021 01:55

Normal and reasonable to who though? In what way could it be not normal or unreasonable? What do you even mean?

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 01:55

@LtDansleg

I hear often about guys trying to be "too nice", just last week a good female friend of mine split up her her boy friends because he was being too generous.

I want to go on holiday, I want her to come, I'm happy to pay, but I'm not sure I should be happy to pay? Maybe I'm totally over thinking this. Which I think I am.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 29/07/2021 01:59

[quote ImMale]@Anordinarymum

I said I want to go on holiday.

She said, "that'd be really nice".

I think there was a presumption I'd pay, but that's probably my own doing.

As I said, I just don't know if this is normal? Is it normal for a guy to pay for his "new" gf and kid to go on holiday with them? I honestly don't know.

I am happy to, but I also want to know what I'm happy with is reasonable.[/quote]
You said you want to go on holiday. That's not what you inferred. You made it sound as if you wanted/asked her to come which is two different things.
You know she can't afford a holiday.

If you feel like this over a holiday what are you going to be like over other things?

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 02:01

@abstractprojection

I'm actually younger than her!

I take on board everyone's comments. I am not resentful of her acceptance, I just needed some clarity that I'm not being stupid. I think it's clear I'm not being.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Curious about the kids meeting? What's the expected time frame for kids to meet? Our kids spent almost every other weekend together and they are really close. Maybe I should be more concerned about that than the holiday!?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/07/2021 02:02

I hear often about guys trying to be "too nice", just last week a good female friend of mine split up her her boy friends because he was being too generous.

When it's the right relationship, you don't care. When it's the wrong one, generosity hastens the end because you feel guilty about your lack of love in the face of stuff. Either way, it's good to be generous. Unless it's actually a trade off. Is she much younger/physically attractive than you?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/07/2021 02:03

Our kids spent almost every other weekend together and they are really close.

Since you met? Because what happens if you split? They lose someone they're close to. That's not fair.

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 02:05

@MrsTerryPratchett

No, I'm 2 years younger than her.

Your comment about "when it's the right relationship" is really what I was after. I really don't care about the money, but various people in my life have suggested it's wrong/I'm too generous/etc etc which lead me here.

I appreciate I've maybe not worded everything perfectly, but as a single dad meeting someone who feels near perfect, but you need to finance the vast majority of your joint life, it's a complex situation, and I hoped to find some advice here, which I think I have.

Thanks

OP posts:
Immaculatemisconception · 29/07/2021 02:06

It’s fine, have a great holiday. 🏝⛱🍹

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 02:07

@MrsTerryPratchett Yes, but on the flip side, I wouldn't have a relationship with someone where our kids didn't get on. Given their ages, their relationship with each other is equally as important as my relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 02:08

@Immaculatemisconception

Thanks! Hoepfully we will, covid permitting!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/07/2021 02:11

Your comment about "when it's the right relationship" is really what I was after. I really don't care about the money, but various people in my life have suggested it's wrong/I'm too generous/etc etc which lead me here.

Are the various people usually a good source of advice? Do they like this woman?

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 02:13

@MrsTerryPratchett

Yes and Yes, they really like her, they just think it strange that I'd pay for "their" holiday, which isn't how I see it at all, I see it as a family holiday.

OP posts:
pinkbubbles100 · 29/07/2021 02:19

I think you're overthinking it. If you see a future with her, want her to come with you on holiday, are happy to pay and can afford it then go for it.

Do you think she can save for some spending money while there?

I think you should trust your instincts with this one. Only you know how you feel about her.

Lipz · 29/07/2021 02:19

So you're 8/10 months together, you earn alot more, you want to go on holiday with her and all the children, you've offered to pay, she accepted, you are now wondering if it's the right thing to do?

As the relationship is quite new, how soon did she know how much you earned?

Do you get the impression that she is only with you for your money when you are doing things, going places? Eg, do you pay for everything, does she contribute at all for food, days out, etc

Personally I think it's too early to tell what she's like. I'm sure there's lots of people who pay for others when going on holidays or going out on nights or days out especially when they earn more, however I do know that anyone with a good heart would offer to pay, pay something towards it, or agree to bring their own spending money.

Maybe wait a little while before going away? Maybe do a weekend away yourselves before a holiday and see how things work out.

Or if you are happy to pay in full, go and enjoy.

She could be a lovely genuine woman and I do hope she is as you seem to like her alot. However there's always going to be situations like this when one person earns more than the other, you'll feel bad suggesting expensive places, she'll feel bad suggesting cheaper places, unless you can both compromise and agree on something in the middle, someone will miss out on doing the things they can afford and like.

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 02:22

@pinkbubbles100

I'm sure she will have some spending money, she certainly isn't what you'd describe as "tight", just holidays cost a LOT of money.

Thanks, I feel a lot more comfortable that I'm not doing something totally out of the ordinary here.

OP posts:
CliffsofMohair · 29/07/2021 02:23

[quote ImMale]@Anordinarymum

I said I want to go on holiday.

She said, "that'd be really nice".

I think there was a presumption I'd pay, but that's probably my own doing.

As I said, I just don't know if this is normal? Is it normal for a guy to pay for his "new" gf and kid to go on holiday with them? I honestly don't know.

I am happy to, but I also want to know what I'm happy with is reasonable.[/quote]
You’re not happy to really, or you wouldn’t be asking on MN.
Some people are better suited to partners with similar income levels.

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 02:27

@Lipz

Thanks for your balanced answer!

We've been on a couple of weekends away etc. She always offers to get some drinks, pays for a dinner etc. She certainly does not expect me to pay for everything.

I have no real concerns that she's a gold digger, my concern was much more about the appropriateness of me paying given my "friends" opinions.

For example she'll go to the supermarket on the way home from work to get stuff for dinner and she'll pick up some beers fo me without mentioning it etc. She will buy ice creams when we're out etc. She 100% doesn't expect me to pay for everything.

OP posts:
sopositivelynegative · 29/07/2021 02:29

I think it's a bit weird to see it as a 'family holiday' if you're not living together - see it for what it is, it's you inviting along your girlfriend and her child and treating them. It sounds like you're starting to blend families, but you're not 'there' yet. It's been less than a year, so it would be odd if you were already at that stage. It's OK to be heading in that direction but not to have arrived!

Some things to think about... (Not necessarily to answer here, but to think about yourself.)

Would you have more fun on holiday if they came along? Or are you inviting them along entirely for their benefit? I'm going to assume you actually enjoy spending time with them, so it's not entirely a selfless gesture.

How much would it cost for you and your kids to go on holiday alone, vs if you invited along her and her kid? I.e. what's the marginal cost here? Is it really as dramatic a gesture as it sounds, or would you for example have rented somewhere big enough for all of you anyway?

You say you earn 4 tor 5 times her salary - are you a high earner, or is she just a really low earner?

It sounds like you're thinking of a long-term future together. Assuming things continue to go well, and you properly blend families, move in, get married, all of that jazz - would you feel happy to support everyone financially? Or would you feel taken advantage of/pressured?

Where there's a massive disparity, even if you're not subsidising anyone now, it's worth thinking about how you'd feel later on down the line if you were. If you have a really stressful job and the other person could earn more but has chosen to have an 'easier' job that pays significantly less, you can start to feel resentful. It's not wrong to be happy to pool money, or to want a partner who can keep up with you financially, but it is a potential future sticking point worth considering before you get even more emotionally invested.

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 02:30

@CliffsofMohair

I politely disagree. I am very happy with the situation from my own perspective, I am much more concerned if what I consider to be OK is actually OK.

I'm a bit concerned you're suggesting that it's wrong for me to question my own decisions and seek advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 02:36

@sopositivelynegative

Thanks for your thoughts, some good points for me to think about.

I'll answer a couple since it's useful for this thread:

  1. I agree it's not a "family" holiday, but all the kids would love to spend a week together, and my kids especially, love spending time with her. It would also give her a break from parenting at times. There's no "dad" on the scene so she is a full time parent.
  1. Additional cost is probably £1500-2000 I think
  1. She's a nurse, I am a high earner.
  1. Her job is a lot more stressful/demanding than mine. I work from home, manage my own schedule more or less and can have a coffee whenever I like, she didn't get dinner tonight because she was too busy. Certainly not going to be any resentfulness there from my side!
OP posts:
sopositivelynegative · 29/07/2021 02:42

[quote ImMale]@sopositivelynegative

Thanks for your thoughts, some good points for me to think about.

I'll answer a couple since it's useful for this thread:

  1. I agree it's not a "family" holiday, but all the kids would love to spend a week together, and my kids especially, love spending time with her. It would also give her a break from parenting at times. There's no "dad" on the scene so she is a full time parent.
  1. Additional cost is probably £1500-2000 I think
  1. She's a nurse, I am a high earner.
  1. Her job is a lot more stressful/demanding than mine. I work from home, manage my own schedule more or less and can have a coffee whenever I like, she didn't get dinner tonight because she was too busy. Certainly not going to be any resentfulness there from my side![/quote]
Ah, so she's doing a 'noble' job rather than an 'easy' job. And your kids actually enjoy spending time together.

In which case, I don't think dropping a couple of extra thousand is you being taken for a mug. It's just another step as you continue to move forward in your relationship.

Honestly, it sounds like maybe things are moving a bit quickly, but you're all happy with the situation. If that's the case... enjoy it?

Your friends are looking out for you, and it's wise to pause every now and then to evaluate things and make sure you're not getting carried away because you're head over heels, but nothing you say is setting off any alarm bells. I hear some people actually get to be just happy. If that's you, congratulations.

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 02:49

@sopositivelynegative

Thanks - that's exactly how I feel. I want to vomit for saying this but I do feel head over heels and it's that which makes me question the rationale of my decisions, doesn't mean my decision-making is wrong, but it certainly doesn't mean it's right!

Things are moving fast, but we talk a lot and are very open. I'm in no hurry at to live together, mainly because I don't want to become a full time parent to her child, and we've discussed that in detail.

My friends are all either single I'm never marrying camp or happily married never getting divorced camp, so they aren't really ofey with how these situations work (and neither am I).

Thanks for your advice and comments.

OP posts:
IsItAKindofDream · 29/07/2021 03:13

I feel sorry for your kids. Being rushed into a blended family barely 2 months into your relationship.

My cousins went through this with a series of their Dad’s relationships. They got really close to their Dad’s first post-marriage girlfriend and her kids and were gutted when they broke up. By the fourth or fifth of these, they had completely disengaged and I’d say it has negatively affected their own adult relationships.

Original poster
ImMale · 29/07/2021 03:18

@IsItAKindofDream

It's a real risk, I'd not have done it if I had doubts about my relationship, but like I said previously, my kids having a productive relationship with her child and with her is equally as important as me having a relationship.

I'm not willing to get so deeply involved and in love with someone only to find out our kids don't get on and we (me and her) don't like eachothers kids.

OP posts: