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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider Cry It Out?

180 replies

Schrutesbeets · 01/07/2021 10:58

DS is 9 months, has been BF and bed shared since birth, till arohnd 6 weeks ago. he sleeps in his cot for naps but won't at night. Have tried gentle methods, nothing is working and he wakes constantly through the night and wakes DD(3)too.
I was always very opposed to CIO, but I'm going back to work soon and cannot function on as little sleep as I'm having. I am run down, irritable and getting regular headaches as a result. We cannot afford a sleep consultant and now I feel CIO may be the only solution!
Any advice / experience of CIO much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Schrutesbeets · 01/07/2021 10:58

Sorry, I meant 6 weeks ago he started napping in cot in day. But ends up in the bed at night as he wakes every 20-30 minutes.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 01/07/2021 11:01

Do you mean controlled crying where you return at set intervals or cry it out where you just leave them to cry until they go to sleep?

Lazypuppy · 01/07/2021 11:03

Controlled crying. Took my dd a few nights to get it, you have to be committed to it, i used to watch her on the camera as well as could tell when she was just whinging or if she was getting upset as i needed to keep her from getting to o upset or they go past it. I did it much earlier when dd was younger.

ForeverSausages · 01/07/2021 11:03

We did controlled crying when son was just over 1 years old. Start at 2 minutes, 4 minutes, 8 minutes etc. It was a tough week I'm not going to lie but it was worth it. He's 6 now and takes himself to bed when he's tired Smile. Good luck!

MonkeyPuddle · 01/07/2021 11:04

Controlled crying changed our lives. I’ve got the Ferber book, happy to pop it in the post for you if you’d like it.

Original poster
Schrutesbeets · 01/07/2021 11:04

dementedpixie
We've tried controlled crying which didn't work and just woke DD up (who also doesn't sleep great).
I meant actually just leaving to cry. Like I say, it's totally against what I've always thought was right but I am at my wits end and my mental health is seriously suffering.

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 01/07/2021 11:14

Does he not sleep well in bed with you? I know some people are anti co-sleeping but you would be surprised how many do it and don't want to admit.

I co-slept with mine for quite a long time and we all slept well. It's not forever - and your baby is still very little.

Good luck.

PomegranateQueen · 01/07/2021 11:14

Do you have a DP/DH? My DS was BF obsessed too but I found that finding a way to get him to sleep without breastfeeding helped. DH would get him into his PJs and take him for a walk in his buggy, once he managed it that way, it became easier to find other ways for him to fall asleep, DH holding him etc. Will he take a dummy?

PomegranateQueen · 01/07/2021 11:16

The reason I mentioned DH was because DS associated me with breastfeeding so I outsourced the job of getting him to sleep to someone who doesnt have boobs Grin

Seasidemumma77 · 01/07/2021 11:19

Have you tried a white noise app? One of my 4dc was awful sleeper, totally transformed by constant white noise. Incidentally, since hot weather started, I've had a fan on in my room at night and have noticed the noise sends me off to sleep really quickly.

Fernando072020 · 01/07/2021 11:20

I personally wouldn't.
9 months is still so young and it's normal for them to still wake in the night
My son is 1 next week and in the last month he's started sleeping through some nights and his night waking has generally decreased. Sleep is developmental and you can't "train" them to sleep, they just learn to stop crying as no one is coming.

Fernando072020 · 01/07/2021 11:20

Have you tried leaving something that smells like you? On leaving white noise on all night? To help him go back to sleep?

cindarellasbelly · 01/07/2021 11:24

It won't work

You've only started trying to move away from bed sharing six weeks ago. Is he waking to feed? What we did at a similar age - and I'll be honest, it was facilitated by my Dh taking shared parental leave - was take me out of the equation at night time altogether. She co-slept with daddy, I expressed some milk so if she was really hungry she could have that. She cried, the first few night was up every hour or so, but she was cuddled and soothed and in her Daddy's arms when she cried. I think I went in the first day or so, once, and I took over and gave a big feed around 6.30. Within the week she was night weaned and calm. She ended up co-sleeping with her dad for about another 10 months, but she only woke about once a night and he was able to calm her immediately just being there.

I know a few people who've tried cry it out out of desperation and it didn't work. Give yourself a bit more time, and try and get the parent without the boobs to take charge of the next bit.

cindarellasbelly · 01/07/2021 11:25

Oh I should say: she stopped wanting the expressed milk by night 3. She was just used to waking up and comfort feeding to sleep. When she realised it wasn't an option, she woke a little, then mostly went back to sleep.

ForeverSausages · 01/07/2021 11:25

Oh I wouldn't do completely crying it out. We followed the Ferber method too and it really did work. It is disruptive (we pre-warned our neighbours). I'd do it when your 3 year old doesn't have much to do during the days for a week and also take a week off work. It does require consistency. If you give in, you essentially have to start the whole process again.

Gladiolys · 01/07/2021 11:26

I would really counsel against it, even though I am so sympathetic because I also have a poor sleeper and it is so hard. Like, often unbearably hard. But leaving a baby to cry just isn’t right, and I think you would find it took a huge toll on you too.

Have you read Lucy Wolfe’s book ‘The Baby Sleep Solution’? I’ve just finished it and I’m going to start implementing it this weekend. Apparently it’s successful for 98% of people within a month, but doesn’t involve any cry it out / controlled crying. Might be worth you taking a look. It’s a quick read, especially if you ignore the chapters for younger and older children.

TheVolturi · 01/07/2021 11:30

My first was a terrible sleeper. I mean, absolutely did not sleep. I was told by everyone including hv, to let him cry it out. She said, cuddle him, settle him, put in cot and go down and make a cup of tea. In desperation I tried it and he went purple and vomited. That was within a few mins. Never again, it broke my heart and I felt so guilty. He's actually 8 now and diagnosed with Autism. He still can't sleep, it's not his fault.

Willwebebuyingnumber11 · 01/07/2021 11:34

Yes of course you are being unreasonable to suggest you leave your 9 month old to cry until they’re too exhausted to cry anymore.

If controlled crying didnt work initially then I think you need to revisit that or try another method. Do not just leave him to cry indefinitely.

Rosebel · 01/07/2021 11:41

CIO worked for my son. I never thought I would do it but tried controlled crying and sitting by his bed.
CIO worked in two nights. He literally goes down without a whimper and sleeps within 2 minutes. He's not clingy or anything during the day, he just sleeps much better.
We did this when he was 10 months and desperately sleep deprived.

Leshan · 01/07/2021 11:43

The default on here is "no" to Cry It Out. Almost always - a hard no.

Personally - I would disregard that lot and go for it.
You need sleep.

PurpleyBlue · 01/07/2021 11:46

I couldn't but it's your choice. I found after 10 months sleep got a lot better.

Original poster
Schrutesbeets · 01/07/2021 11:47

Thanks for the replies everyone. As I already thought, it is probably not the right idea (I think the lack of sleep has just left me desperate for any possibility).
Okay, so at the moment he naps at 0930-11ish, and 1400-1530ish. I always nurse to sleep then move to cot.
Evening I do the same arohnd 7pm and at the very best he manages till 10pm then will absolutely not go back in the cot, so he's still in bed with me.
However, he wants to be latched on to me all night, so as soon as my nipple leaves his mouth he wakes and cries, this goes on over and over again as naturally he releases his latch when he falls asleep, that wakes him, and we start again. It is definitely getting worse, not better.
We tried controlled crying, but admittedly I probably didn't give it my all as it was waking DD and then I just gave in and got in bed with him.
Dh works 10hr days in a v physically and emotionally demanding job, so he sleeps on the sofa through the week, and I don't begrudge it to be honest. He definitely needs to be rested for work.
However, when I go back in September I'm going into a new job, and studying along side so I will then need sleep too.
I will suggest to DH that he take some time off work before I go back and either do controlled crying, or as PP suggested - dh just do the night shift until DS breaks the association with me / boob at night.
How long did it take for those that did controlled crying? I'll have another read into that.
Thanks for all the replies so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
Schrutesbeets · 01/07/2021 11:48

@Rosebel

CIO worked for my son. I never thought I would do it but tried controlled crying and sitting by his bed. CIO worked in two nights. He literally goes down without a whimper and sleeps within 2 minutes. He's not clingy or anything during the day, he just sleeps much better. We did this when he was 10 months and desperately sleep deprived.
Can I ask how long he cried for on those 2 nights? Thanks
OP posts:
ForeverSausages · 01/07/2021 11:57

With the Ferber method it took us 6 days. The first 2 days were hell, then better the 3rd day, and then worse (I really almost gave up at that point) but then it got better. It was tough. I still remember sitting on the stairs with the timer on my phone, willing it to be over but it really did work. Completely appreciate the desperation sleep deprivation can cause.

Michellexxx · 01/07/2021 12:03

I say controlled crying. My forst only took 2 nights- cried in/off for 1hr 30 first time 🙈 but second night was better- she did wake through the night too but didn’t cry for as long each time.
Second child we did similar but she actually took a few weeks- she would randomly sleep through for a while, wake up randomly other nights. That’s when you need to be careful not to lapse back into old habits.
It does work, but you just decide to do it and stick to it. Or you’re putting everyone through the nightmare of starting again and the upset will have been for nothing.