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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To consider Cry It Out?

180 replies

Schrutesbeets · 01/07/2021 10:58

DS is 9 months, has been BF and bed shared since birth, till arohnd 6 weeks ago. he sleeps in his cot for naps but won't at night. Have tried gentle methods, nothing is working and he wakes constantly through the night and wakes DD(3)too.
I was always very opposed to CIO, but I'm going back to work soon and cannot function on as little sleep as I'm having. I am run down, irritable and getting regular headaches as a result. We cannot afford a sleep consultant and now I feel CIO may be the only solution!
Any advice / experience of CIO much appreciated.

OP posts:
Schrutesbeets · 01/07/2021 12:16

It's funny though isn't it... B&SIL used a sleep consultant who advised chair in the room/whispering/patting to soothe, gradually moving chair further away etc.
BIL said the first 2 nights DN spent 2 hrs crying himself to sleep (albeit with some patting and shushing to soothe).
Then I've got a friend who just went CIO straight off the bat, who says it took only 1 night of her DD crying for 45mins.
So when you compare those 2 scenarios, the former seems more "cruel" if crying is what we're going off. But most people would think it was the gentler method?

OP posts:
ForeverSausages · 01/07/2021 12:24

I think because crying it out is essentially teaching them that you're not going to come back. Whereas controlled crying is you will be coming back but not giving in. Crying it out will be quicker of the 2. I've been there so no judgement. I get it.

Schrutesbeets · 01/07/2021 12:31

@ForeverSausages

I think because crying it out is essentially teaching them that you're not going to come back. Whereas controlled crying is you will be coming back but not giving in. Crying it out will be quicker of the 2. I've been there so no judgement. I get it.
Ah yes, I see. Gosh, why is there not just a one size fits all manual haha. I thought my DD was a bad sleeper (which she was to be fair), but DS really takes the gold for it.
OP posts:
steakandcheeseplease · 01/07/2021 12:37

There is quite a lot of material available on line why CIO isn't good ide and the effects it can have on their brain . As an adult would you like to cry your self to sleep? I'd imagine at some point they get a sore throat when their crying pitch intensifies to get your attention.

There will be people that come along and say it worked for them, but there are many others it hasn't worked for which leaves them leaving their distressed child screaming its head off for hours for multiple nights only to take them back in to their bed.

Maybe have a look at the sleep whisper or other similar book before you try such a harsh approach.

mn2022 · 01/07/2021 12:39

IMO it sounds like the issue here is not going to be solved my CIO, but more the feeding to sleep.

Also, you only stopped bed sharing 6 weeks ago. As a co sleeping family, this is way to soon to suddenly expect your child to sleep solo

MonkeyPuddle · 01/07/2021 12:40

We did controlled crying at it took 3 nights for DD waking every 46-60 mins to sleeping through from 7pm-1am, having a feed and going back to sleep til anywhere between 4-7am.
First night she cried for 1.5 hours, I went and patted/cuddled/fed her every five mins.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/07/2021 12:40

What will you tell your 3 year old when you leave your baby, her sibling, to cry until he potentially vomits, goes purple and then passes out once he realises no one’s coming?

You wouldn’t let her cry herself to sleep and ignore her, why would you do it to him?

He’s still so little. He’s not waking to annoy you. He’s doing what babies do and he’s used to you responding to his needs, during the day and at night.

Letting him cry till he gives up isn’t a good message to him or your DD that you’re there for them when they need you. He can’t tell you how he feels except for to cry.

3 months is a long time in infant development, 2 months is as well. You’ve got time to see if he starts doing longer stretches. You can carry on cosleeping once he’s awake, at least you’ll be resting and dozing with him. You can practise with different types of dummies to see if that helps settle him without a boob. You can look into ways to get him settle without a nipple or a dummy.

I know you’re exhausted, most of us have been there. But you’ve parented in a way that’s in tune with him so far, meeting his needs, you don’t have to switch from that approach to literally leaving him to scream himself asleep in desperation and exhaustion.

You wouldn’t let your husband sob himself to sleep without trying to comfort him. Or your daughter. You wouldn’t leave an elderly relative sobbing in distress at night and not go up them even if it was exhausting doing what they need from you.

It’s only ever non verbal babies people justify leaving to cry themselves to sleep and they literally have no option as they can’t comfort themselves or express themselves in any other way.

Please look at other gentler options.

GroggyLegs · 01/07/2021 12:50

I'm not reading the comments because it will upset me, but we did CC/CIO at 18 months, after I nearly fell asleep on the M6 coming home from work.
He'd never slept through at that point, and wed tried a sleep coach, apps, etc etc so I had no hope.

It took 5 horrible nights & he has slept well ever since, I still feel guilty, even though it possibly stopped a major pile up.

You must do what's best for your family. Sleep deprivation takes a real toll.

dreaming174 · 01/07/2021 12:55

If he wants to be latched all night, would he take a dummy, or could you swap once he's fallen asleep?
My sympathies, I Co slept with mine as she wouldn't go in the cot once she was awake around 10ish. We co slept until she waw 20 months and now I'm pregnant again we put her in the cot. She still wakes and wants to be cuddled.

noonetoblamebutmyselfandpizza · 01/07/2021 12:56

Hi Op,
We did CIO with both my toddlers from 7 months old - we had a small age gap.

The longest they both cried was 18 mins.
But then? They slept through every night thereafter :)
And now when they cry I check them straight away because I know somethings wrong (they're 2 and 3 now)

They sleep from 7-7 and have done since we did CIO.

I'm not gonna lie, it's hard to hear them cry. I got my other half to take over but it worked!
I don't feel like they're damaged because of it and now we all get sleep, and it's reliable.

cyantist · 01/07/2021 13:05

Before trying CIO I'd try a controlled crying or controlled comforting approach but stick to it and be strict with how you implement it.

At 9 months my baby was waking every 45 mins. She is now 11 months and wakes once (or twice if you can persuade her that 4:45 is not an acceptable getting up time and she should go back to sleep).

This seems to be the case for so many of the mums with babies the same age so there's a fair chance things will improve soon.

olderthanyouthink · 01/07/2021 13:05

9 months was a truly shocking time for sleep for DD it's a known time for it unfortunately but not every child goes through it. This was the time when we tried sleep training but it was just too horrible. We boob slept for ages

sarahockwell-smith.com/2015/11/18/what-the-heck-goes-wrong-sleep-wise-at-8-10-months/

CIO won't make them sleep more, just give up on calling for you and that just breaks my heart. She had to cry in arms for me for 15 mins when I was unwell at the start of the year but she was 2 so had words and it was awful.

See if anything flags up here sarahockwell-smith.com/2015/11/18/what-the-heck-goes-wrong-sleep-wise-at-8-10-months/

DD who is a "shit sleeper" seemingly has issues breathing properly, finally figured that out at 2 when she was waking hourly, very glad I didn't just ignore her.

olderthanyouthink · 01/07/2021 13:06

Oops second link should be this

evolutionaryparenting.com/test/bitss/

Pinchoftums · 01/07/2021 13:09

We had 4 months of hell with DS1, waking every half an hour. At 10 months we did CIO. He had stopped any sort of milk at night before. Took 40 minutes of him crying first night Bout 8 the next night and then nothing.
Best thing we ever did and repeated it with all three kids. Stopped me going insane. Made me a much nicer parent. All of them are emotionally normal (as much as teenagers ever can be).

VettiyaIruken · 01/07/2021 13:15

You mean like the nspcc advert miles knows that no-one ever comes?

It's very cruel imo. Yeah it works but it works by teaching your baby you won't come if they need you. Give controlled crying a proper try, it may take a while but it's better than CIO imo

Crowsaregreat · 01/07/2021 13:26

Gawd, CIO always brings out the martyrs and pearl clutchers. We did gradual withdrawal method on dc2 at 13mo, dc2 at 9mo. Took about three nights and they slept through. Better for them and better for us.

People who go on about how you're traumatising your baby never consider whether it could be traumatising for a baby to spend daytimes with a mother of the brink of breaking down from exhaustion and resentment. A few nights and they learn how to get themselves back to sleep and associate their cot with sleep rather than thinking they need to be held to sleep. That's it.

Schrutesbeets · 01/07/2021 13:33

@Crowsaregreat

Gawd, CIO always brings out the martyrs and pearl clutchers. We did gradual withdrawal method on dc2 at 13mo, dc2 at 9mo. Took about three nights and they slept through. Better for them and better for us.

People who go on about how you're traumatising your baby never consider whether it could be traumatising for a baby to spend daytimes with a mother of the brink of breaking down from exhaustion and resentment. A few nights and they learn how to get themselves back to sleep and associate their cot with sleep rather than thinking they need to be held to sleep. That's it.

This is how I'm feeling at the moment. Weighing up the potential damage from crying themselves to sleep for a few nights, or the damage from me being unstable at the moment due to exhaustion. My relationship with my DD is definitely being negatively affected as I can barely function, let alone actively engage. Then throw in a tantrum and I completely lose it. Its not good at all. I wouldn't consider CIO if I didn't think that it was the lesser of 2 evils at the moment.
OP posts:
dementedpixie · 01/07/2021 13:40

@Crowsaregreat

Gawd, CIO always brings out the martyrs and pearl clutchers. We did gradual withdrawal method on dc2 at 13mo, dc2 at 9mo. Took about three nights and they slept through. Better for them and better for us.

People who go on about how you're traumatising your baby never consider whether it could be traumatising for a baby to spend daytimes with a mother of the brink of breaking down from exhaustion and resentment. A few nights and they learn how to get themselves back to sleep and associate their cot with sleep rather than thinking they need to be held to sleep. That's it.

Gradual withdrawal is vastly different from CIO though.
Traveller3367 · 01/07/2021 13:41

I was in your position 2 months ago
11 month old waking every 20mins
CC did not work as seeing us only made baby worse
Out of sheer desperation did CIO and worked a great. Put baby in own room.
1st night cried for an hour
2nd night 20 mins
Continued to cry for about 5-10mins most nights but it was more whimpers of displeasure.
I watch on the baby monitor.

And the change in baby's behaviour in the daytime was so noticeable straight away. Much more settled, calmer and happier. I think the poor baby was sleep deprived too and hence was playing up in the daytime.

2 months on and DH and I would do it alot sooner with next baby we think.
Definitely pro CIO. Go for it!
There's no firm evidence of harm. My background is in healthcare.

MonkeyPuddle · 01/07/2021 13:42

@Schrutesbeets that what I felt like. I was close to tripping over in to PND, I have two kids and wasn’t a good parent to either of them. I tried cosleeping for 2 months, gradual retreat etc etc but something had to give before I lost my bloody mind.
No one wants their baby to fry but also maternal mental health is right up there on my list of priorities and DD crying for 1.5 hours while being comforted every 5 minutes for one night is worth it for me.

Pinchoftums · 01/07/2021 13:48

My DS found gradual withdrawal far worse than CIO. He was like " I can see you there so pat me/pick me up you meanie" followed by inconsolable tears leading to rage. It's not like you never go to them again and ignore them crying in the day or when they are in pain . They just learn to stop crying at night and self -settle. All the parents l knew who refused to do sleep training were constantly exhausted and snappy. Think that would be more damaging over time.

CCSS15 · 01/07/2021 13:49

Its not popular here but we did it - took 2 nights to get sorted and sleeps like a dream now. Did it at 7 months, he was a breast fed baby as well - the plan was no more than 1 hour crying / whinging and first night was 57 mins, second night 12 mins then nothing - perfectly happy and noticible change in our bond / relationship

georgarina · 01/07/2021 13:52

I did it with DS at 5 months and after 3 nights he slept through 7-7. Before that he'd been waking up between 4-5 times a night. Changed our lives, he's a great sleeper now with no side effects at all, and I'd say you need to consider how your parenting and mood will improve with sleep - worth it for less than a week of crying IMO.

0None0 · 01/07/2021 13:52

I was always in favour of leaving babies to cry, and did this with all mine. It didn’t do any harm, and made life easier in the short term, but looking back now, I think it was unkind and I wish I hadn’t done it

Devondonkey · 01/07/2021 13:56

I didn’t do cry it out, as luckily a different method worked for us (Ferber variation). But I absolutely would have done otherwise. The way I figured, the stress of a few crap nights waaaaay outbalanced the stress of endless terrible sleep etc. I was close to losing my mind and I would have taken entire family with me. Do what you need to do.

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