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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be devastated by BIL’s secret baby?

303 replies

toastlover100 · 22/06/2021 22:57

Last week DH and I were finally let in on the family secret. His brother’s ex parter has recently given birth to his child.

Supposedly she had tricked BIL into not using contraception. The in-laws story is that BIL was tricked into getting her pregnant and that he is an unwilling sperm donor.

Whilst BIL has fessed up that this baby is his, he gone NC with the ex and not met his child owing to feeling tricked and cheated. He is refusing DNA tests, child support etc. PIL don’t view the baby as their grandchild.

DH and I were only let in on this accidentally, have been sworn to secrecy , and are denied ever meeting our nephew. It feels like I am somehow grieving for this relationship that never will be.

AIBU to feel completely at a loss with how to move forward?

OP posts:
Deathsquito · 22/06/2021 22:59

I’m sorry op 💐 What a horrible shit family you’ve married in to!

Whostoblame · 22/06/2021 22:59

Abhorrent behaviour. So that child is going to grow up to be a dirty little secret? I'd go NC with the lot of them and contact the ex to have a relationship with her and your nephew. You only have his side of the story regarding the "entrapment" as well...

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/06/2021 23:01

I think I'd be upset but more because my bil and pil were blaming the woman when it's both their doing, and not taking any responsibility by at the very least paying towards a child who didn't have any say in the matter and that he is legally responsible for financially. I wouldn't be able to look at any of them in the same light at all.

Iwonder08 · 22/06/2021 23:01

It has literally nothing to do with you. I don't understand how you can possibly 'grieve the relationship' with a child who is not even your relative.
Any man who dumps his child is a bastard, but it is none of your business.

MythsandSparkles · 22/06/2021 23:02

Does the babies mother want a relationship with any of you? I wouldn’t in her shoes. Is BIL such a fantastic catch that it would be worth trapping him like this?

I’m guessing BIL is your husbands brother? What does he want to do? If the family don’t want contact with this baby and your husband does is he willing to lose contact with his family over a relationship with his nephew?

JellyTumble · 22/06/2021 23:03

@Iwonder08

It has literally nothing to do with you. I don't understand how you can possibly 'grieve the relationship' with a child who is not even your relative. Any man who dumps his child is a bastard, but it is none of your business.
Absolutely this.

You are overdramatic and involving yourself too much.

Moonlaserbearwolf · 22/06/2021 23:05

I may have misread this, but you only seem concerned for your own feelings of sadness around not meeting a new nephew. Do you not like your BiL?

TheGumption · 22/06/2021 23:06

Confused the baby isn't even related to you. Your in laws sound like arseholes for blaming the woman but there's really no need for you to be involved at all.

Original poster
toastlover100 · 22/06/2021 23:06

Those who are saying I am getting to involved, you’re probably right.

Whilst maybe I’m being dramatic about this nephew I won’t meet, I’m pretty disappointed that this bastard behaviour is going to ruin my (previously fairly good) relationship with my in laws. It’s all wrapped up together at the moment, so the sense of loss is perhaps misplaced.

OP posts:
Ladylokidoki · 22/06/2021 23:07

Your in laws sound like dicks.

But I think devastation and grieving are really strong words to use. You don't have a right to a relationship with nieve or nephew and you haven't actually lost anything. Because you never had it.

Chances are, if he was a dad that only saw the child occasionally or eow you wouldn't have that much of a relationship with the child.

And of you and your dh split, there would be no relationship either

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 22/06/2021 23:07

BIL is a grown man. if he has sex and he himself does not use contraception (condom) he cannot claim to have been "tricked" and even then NO contraception is 100% safe - if you have sex, a baby may be the result.
He should accept his responsibility and step up for his child.
No sympathy from me!
"Unwilling sperm donor"? I bet he wasn't unwilling when he actually let his sperm go when he was having sex!.

SilverOtter · 22/06/2021 23:08

@toastlover100

Those who are saying I am getting to involved, you’re probably right.

Whilst maybe I’m being dramatic about this nephew I won’t meet, I’m pretty disappointed that this bastard behaviour is going to ruin my (previously fairly good) relationship with my in laws. It’s all wrapped up together at the moment, so the sense of loss is perhaps misplaced.

I get that. You're grieving the loss of the people you thought they were. They sound awfulSad
Stonelovelace · 22/06/2021 23:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PanamaPattie · 22/06/2021 23:09

This situation is absolutely none of your business.

Sometimeswinning · 22/06/2021 23:10

My bil is in the situation where he makes no effort with his child. Doesn't pay any money. Constantly putting his ex down. I reached out to her and am now a part of my nephews life. Not a massive part due to distance. But he knows who I am, my dh and his cousins.

You have nothing to lose. Apart from your in laws approval!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/06/2021 23:12

He wasn't tricked into anything. He had sex without a condom ejaculated inside her and now she's pregnant. I highly doubt he was too concerned about accidental pregnancy when he had his moment of pleasure.
He's got to face his part in this too. If he was that adamant that he didn't want kids he used have told her straight no condom no sex.

WhoDidAndWhy · 22/06/2021 23:15

@Iwonder08

It has literally nothing to do with you. I don't understand how you can possibly 'grieve the relationship' with a child who is not even your relative. Any man who dumps his child is a bastard, but it is none of your business.
This.
Deathsquito · 22/06/2021 23:15

I think it’s unfair to say this situation isn’t any of op’s business, they made it her business when they decided to bring her in on the ‘secret’!

And if I’m reading it correctly, op is devastated that her inlaws are behaving like such utter cretinous dicks. And probably feeling sorry for a child who has had no say in the matter at all.

douliket · 22/06/2021 23:16

Op, that is so sad to hear. The poor baby and his mother, no matter what the circumstances between the two of them,he is this baby's father. It sounds to me that this family of in-laws that you have are not the type of people worth knowing so I would seriously have no problem with them "disowning" you if you choose to contact the mother and choose to meet your nephew. It is absolutely none of their business what relationships you have with anyone. They cannot control that so do not let them think they can. Best of luck Op but from reading your post, you sound decent and normal and I think you know deep down that reaching out to the mother is the right thing to do,whether she wants it or not, u will have done the right thing. X

Original poster
toastlover100 · 22/06/2021 23:16

@PanamaPattie Maybe the baby situation isn’t. But it sure is seriously devastating for my relationship with PIL. Considering I don’t have much family my side at all, it’s pretty significant.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/06/2021 23:19

@Stonelovelace

How horrid. I couldn’t get past my DH being complicit in such disgusting behaviour.
What could her DH do?
HellHasNoFur · 22/06/2021 23:19

Oh come on. If a woman says she can’t have kids or she has the coil fitted or she’s on the pill a man might have sex with her thinking he can’t get her pregnant. If she has lied about those things and does get pregnant then she has ‘tricked’ him.

It’s not the child’s fault though and to just ignore them because you didn’t plan them is shit. If the mother is that unhinged the child will need the balance of a sensible parent. Women get pregnant unintentionally all the time and they don’t (or very rarely) get to just tantrum, say they didn’t want it and walk away and pretend they don’t have a child Hmm

SilverOtter · 22/06/2021 23:25

@Stonelovelace

How horrid. I couldn’t get past my DH being complicit in such disgusting behaviour.
Her DH found out at the same time as the OP
FortniteBoysMum · 22/06/2021 23:25

Your BIL is an ARSEHOLE. So are his parents. If you and dh want a relationship with dn then that's between you and the mother. Personally he knew he hadn't wrapped it therefore he knew the risks. This tricked me Bellshill pisses me off. Why is it always the woman's job to be responsible for contraception? If he did not want a child he should be actively preventing one from being conceived. His parents are appalling too. I suggest the mother contact cms. They will make him support the child by a deduction of earnings if necessary. If he denies paternity and refuses a dna test they will just take it. He will be given the chance to prove his not. The poor child.

Original poster
toastlover100 · 22/06/2021 23:26

I think it kind of is my business now that I (and DH) have been told to keep an innocent child a secret. Denying another humans existence seems pretty bloody difficult and wrong to me.

OP posts: