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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be devastated by BIL’s secret baby?

303 replies

toastlover100 · 22/06/2021 22:57

Last week DH and I were finally let in on the family secret. His brother’s ex parter has recently given birth to his child.

Supposedly she had tricked BIL into not using contraception. The in-laws story is that BIL was tricked into getting her pregnant and that he is an unwilling sperm donor.

Whilst BIL has fessed up that this baby is his, he gone NC with the ex and not met his child owing to feeling tricked and cheated. He is refusing DNA tests, child support etc. PIL don’t view the baby as their grandchild.

DH and I were only let in on this accidentally, have been sworn to secrecy , and are denied ever meeting our nephew. It feels like I am somehow grieving for this relationship that never will be.

AIBU to feel completely at a loss with how to move forward?

OP posts:
Original poster
toastlover100 · 22/06/2021 23:29

DH found out at exactly the same time as me. He has been equally as hurt and we are both bewildered.

OP posts:
PiuVinoPerFavore · 22/06/2021 23:30

I think it's deemed sexual assault if a man removes the condom without knowledge or consent from the woman. Yet in this situation people are saying "poor woman". OP, you need to stand back and not judge your PIL too quickly. It all sounds pretty fresh and attitudes may change with time.

MouseholeCat · 22/06/2021 23:31

That's so sad. I'm so sorry.

We have the opposite situation in my DH's family. SIL didn't tell her ex she was pregnant and he reacted in the way your BIL did initially, then started to chase her for contact after he had a child with his new partner at which point she didn't want to know. People on both sides have made poor decisions. Sometimes I feel so sad for my poor nephew.

candyflossss · 22/06/2021 23:35

@PiuVinoPerFavore

I think it's deemed sexual assault if a man removes the condom without knowledge or consent from the woman. Yet in this situation people are saying "poor woman". OP, you need to stand back and not judge your PIL too quickly. It all sounds pretty fresh and attitudes may change with time.
I think its realistic to question the authenticity of the BIL story that he was "tricked". his overall character doesnt strike as particularly stellar considering his attitude to his new son.
Aquamarine1029 · 22/06/2021 23:35

I wouldn't have anything to do with your in-laws again. You have to be a special kind of arsehole to deny an innocent child. It's disgusting and irredeemable.

PiersPlowman · 22/06/2021 23:38

Nothing to do with you. Stay well clear.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/06/2021 23:38

Do you have DC, so this child would be their cousin? Did you know the ex before this?

candyflossss · 22/06/2021 23:39

OP I was the baby in this situation.

my biological father told his immediate family to keep mena secret and my younger siblings only found out about me when I was 20. I have to say it hurt me that his mum, dad and sister all knew about me and yet not one of them cared enough to bother with me. when I asked about this, they said quite simply he asked them not to and they didnt want to upset him. I dont have a relationship with any of them.
it doesnt help that I was brought up by another man who I believed to be my real dad until my teen years who was a drunk, drug taking violent man - I suppose in a perverse way I blame my biological dad for never taking ownership of me, for me being saddled with that for my father instead.

I guess I'm trying to say, I can totally understand why you feel so strongly against your partners family now. it's not pleasant at all.

candyflossss · 22/06/2021 23:40

me a*

NakedAttraction · 22/06/2021 23:41

OP do you honestly fully understand what happened? Your reaction suggests this is out of character for your BIL. Can you imagine the shock if you had been tricked, whatever that might mean?

I don’t think you mentioned if the child has been born yet. But there is time for your BIL to come round on this. He’s much more likely to respond positively to heartfelt advice, given some time, than drama and accusations.

It all sounds like new news for you and your DH. Has your DH tried to talk to him? Maybe he needs support to make the right choices? Might be worth a try.

PiuVinoPerFavore · 22/06/2021 23:43

@candyflossss it seems pretty reasonable to me that if you had suddenly been told you were a father, against your will, it might take some getting used to. As I said, if a woman had a child imposed on her, she would have options (abortion or adoption for example), as difficult as those might be. But this man has been provided with no alternative at all. It's be a Dad or your a bastard. A woman wouldn't be treated like that.

me4real · 22/06/2021 23:44

I think it's deemed sexual assault if a man removes the condom without knowledge or consent from the woman. Yet in this situation people are saying "poor woman".

@PiuVinoPerFavore It's rape if a bloke doesn't use a condom if the woman only consented to sex under that condition. Unless she actually poked holes in a condom (which isn't what we're being told) he still chose not to wear one.

And it's not often that men want to wear condoms to be fair, it's hard to get them to do it. So I'm sure he was glad not to wear one.

Maybe he's one of the many people nowadays who seem to rely on the 'pull out method.'

PerciphonePuma · 22/06/2021 23:44

@HellHasNoFur

Oh come on. If a woman says she can’t have kids or she has the coil fitted or she’s on the pill a man might have sex with her thinking he can’t get her pregnant. If she has lied about those things and does get pregnant then she has ‘tricked’ him.

It’s not the child’s fault though and to just ignore them because you didn’t plan them is shit. If the mother is that unhinged the child will need the balance of a sensible parent. Women get pregnant unintentionally all the time and they don’t (or very rarely) get to just tantrum, say they didn’t want it and walk away and pretend they don’t have a child Hmm

Excuse me?!? Contraception often fails! Doesn't mean the woman has tricked the man at all!!!!
Whattheactualfk · 22/06/2021 23:44

This double standard crops up all the time.

If a woman deliberately lies to a man about being on birth control in order to trick him into impregnating her, that should be viewed as negatively as a man removing a condom during sex without consent with the aim of impregnating a woman. Perhaps it's even worse because a child has been dragged into that fucked up dynamic.

Then the man is blamed for not wanting anything to do with the woman who's committed this huge deception against him and forced to pay child support.

If "you knew what you were getting into when you had sex" is the line, then let's make abortion and plan b illegal. After all, you knew what you were getting into.

Awfuldefending · 22/06/2021 23:46

A few months ago mum let it slip through dementia that my younger brother has a child that we didn't know about.
He did pay maintenance until this child was 18. My dad died not knowing. DB was 16 when this happened.
It was a girl and she is now 29. Her mother didn't want him to have contact.
So we have a niece somewhere in the world.

PiuVinoPerFavore · 22/06/2021 23:47

I would be interested to know if there was any legal precedent of a woman saying she was on pill, had a coil or whatever and was lying.

This is not the same as failed contraception obviously. It's the intent that's key.

Original poster
toastlover100 · 22/06/2021 23:47

@candyflossss oh my, I am so so sorry. Thank you for sharing that.

I must say my thoughts keep coming back to this baby and trying to find a way to connect. At the moment that’s difficult with the bridges being burned by BIL and PIL.

OP posts:
stressfuljune · 22/06/2021 23:49

Poor child

PerciphonePuma · 22/06/2021 23:51

[quote toastlover100]@candyflossss oh my, I am so so sorry. Thank you for sharing that.

I must say my thoughts keep coming back to this baby and trying to find a way to connect. At the moment that’s difficult with the bridges being burned by BIL and PIL.[/quote]
@toastlover100
I'm the mother in this situation and I'd be over the moon if some other family member got in touch. As it is, my poor little girl only has me and my elderly mum as family. I'm ill and won't be living until I'm elderly and possibly won't see my girl become an adult. She's going to have nobody.... I'd welcome them with open arms

PanamaPattie · 22/06/2021 23:54

I still fail to understand why you feel the need to find a way to "connect". Your BILs ex partner - not wife I presume - has allegedly had a child. Why do you think that this baby should be part of your life? Genuine question.

me4real · 22/06/2021 23:58

It's be a Dad or your a bastard. A woman wouldn't be treated like that.

@PiuVinoPerFavore Women are told there not good enough mothers all. The. Time. Think of the uproar women face if a woman leaves the kids with the dad and goes off to live a different life. But blokes permanently walking out or abstaining from being dads isn't as uncommon.

This isn't a hypothetical/academic discussion though.

@toastlover100 I would wait till the dust settles before you do anything, if you do anything at all.

Do you have your own DC? Do you think your feelings about it are due to your own feelings around children (which would be understandable.)

I didn't end up having a family, and I know that for some women if they've struggled to have children, or don't have their children with them, hearing of others who don't appreciate the children they have the potential to have, or have a relationship with, can be very emotional.

CJsGoldfish · 22/06/2021 23:58

The buck stops with the man so I don't feel sorry for any bloke who chooses not to use a condom. They always seem pretty keen to ditch it no matter how little they may know of their 'partner'. It is a choice every single time but they'll often go with what feels best FOR THEM in the moment. Poor menz.

OP, this would change how I viewed these people and I'm not sure I would ever see them the same again. I would absolutely want to reach out, this is your husbands niece/nephew and seeing what kind of people your ILs are, I'm not sure I'd care about their reactions. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
toastlover100 · 23/06/2021 00:00

@PanamaPattie I’m afraid I don’t have the answer to WHY I feel what I feel, or do what I do.

I’m pretty self aware, but sometimes we just want things without having clear reasons or explanations.

OP posts:
Whattheactualfk · 23/06/2021 00:02

@me4real

I think it's deemed sexual assault if a man removes the condom without knowledge or consent from the woman. Yet in this situation people are saying "poor woman".

@PiuVinoPerFavore It's rape if a bloke doesn't use a condom if the woman only consented to sex under that condition. Unless she actually poked holes in a condom (which isn't what we're being told) he still chose not to wear one.

And it's not often that men want to wear condoms to be fair, it's hard to get them to do it. So I'm sure he was glad not to wear one.

Maybe he's one of the many people nowadays who seem to rely on the 'pull out method.'

"He still chose not to wear a condom" - yes because he was under the impression that a highly effective form of birth control was being used instead.

Do we refuse emergency contraception if the woman didn't also use a condom? In fact do we refuse it if she used nothing at all? No.

A man can't demand a woman aborts but he should bloody well be able to decide whether he wants to assume the position of father and co parent with a woman who's actively trying to sabotage his life for her own gain. Lying to get pregnant, whether due to a biological clock ticking or to pressure a man into staying/marrying a woman is abuse.

Any blame for the child being raised without a father is firmly placed at her door and she has to live with it.

Seesawmummadaw · 23/06/2021 00:03

We have a similar situation. We are in contact with the child and her mother and went nc with the rest of the family. They showed us who they were and we didn’t want to play along.
The mum wanted the family to know the dd. We are the only ones in contact.