to be devastated by BIL’s secret baby?

[toastlover100]

Last week DH and I were finally let in on the family secret. His brother’s ex parter has recently given birth to his child.

Supposedly she had tricked BIL into not using contraception. The in-laws story is that BIL was tricked into getting her pregnant and that he is an unwilling sperm donor.

Whilst BIL has fessed up that this baby is his, he gone NC with the ex and not met his child owing to feeling tricked and cheated. He is refusing DNA tests, child support etc. PIL don’t view the baby as their grandchild.

DH and I were only let in on this accidentally, have been sworn to secrecy , and are denied ever meeting our nephew. It feels like I am somehow grieving for this relationship that never will be.

AIBU to feel completely at a loss with how to move forward?

I could imagine a situation where the BIL’s ex girlfriend told him, untruthfully, that she was using contraception therefore he did not need to

And? If he didn’t want a child, he needed to wear a condom.

Men have no other options than condoms. If they don’t want babies, they need to use them. Every time. The only other option is abstinence.

Toastlover100, in your position I would definitely (with DH) reach out to the mother and I would make sure my in-laws knew I was doing so.

This is about the child now and he deserves to know his family.

It sounds like your BIL was in a relationship with this woman and he totally cut her off after he found out about the pregnancy.

I don’t buy the whole she tricked him stuff. It is purely on his say so and he is clearly not a good person. My ex has told all kinds of lies to his family but the truth is we planned the baby he now doesn’t see.

Regardless of the circumstances of the conception it is heartless to walk away from your child in that way. Everyone is aware of how babies are made and he has to take some responsibility.

I would make contact with the ex. She will probably be happy to hear from you.

Nothing to do with you and I wouldn't be judging anyone in the family.
Your naive if you think some women don't trick men in to pregnancy .

Something similar happen to my friend he was with an emotionally abusive women for years.
She said she was on the pill his gut feeling was not to trust her but she turned it all on him said he was being controlling and if he loved her he should trust her.
Fast forward 6 months she's pregnant. the lines hardly dry on test and she kicked him out.
He pays child support and access is a complete nightmare he's spent thousands on solicitors she obstructive as possible ignores court orders.
He's a shadow of his former self she alienated all his family and us friends were never welcome and if he went out she gave him shit .

To the outside world she tells everyone he just fucked of and she has to go through the courts for everything .

So I think you should respect there wishes and keep out of it you really don't know whats gone on

**
Whilst maybe I’m being dramatic about this nephew I won’t meet, I’m pretty disappointed that this bastard behaviour is going to ruin my (previously fairly good) relationship with my in laws. It’s all wrapped up together at the moment, so the sense of loss is perhaps misplaced.**

I have absolutely no idea why on earth your brother's ex wife having a baby means you cant have a good relationship with your in-laws??

Some of in laws have done things I don't agree with but I love them anyway as no one has done anything terrible.

Your BIL and PIL are absolutely vile people.The fact that can ignore and neglect an innocent little boy because of there own grudge against his mother speaks volumes about the type of people they are.

I'd be sad if I knew my DH had a nephew he couldn't see and my DC's a cousin they'd not meet.

It's awful that your PIL are supporting their deadbeat dad of a son's behaviour.When you're having sex with someone,contraceptive's used or not,pregnancy is always a consequence that can happen and you all only have your BIL's version of the truth;it could actually be complete BS.

I sincerely hope that the child's mother goes to the CSA and gets them to sort maintenance for that little boy.

Your naive if you think some women don't trick men in to pregnancy .

Yes yes yes. If you love and trust someone and they tell you they are on the pill you believe them.

@PerciphonePuma Excuse me?!? Contraception often fails! Doesn't mean the woman has tricked the man at all!!!!

The quote you replied to literally says 'if she has lied'. That is tricking a man.

I don't understand why this thread is so overwhelmingly on the side of 'men are shits'. If (IF) she did lie about being on contraception that is manipulation and I can't blame the BIL for being shocked and hurt. OP said it was his ex-P, not someone he'd just met. Let's be honest, in loads of long term relationships couples just use hormonal contraception. Why wouldn't you trust your partner? And then there are all the women who decide to come off the pill because their DP is dragging his heels about TTC.

But then it's also possible that it was a contraception failure and your BIL just doesn't want to live up to his responsibilities. You'll never really know OP. Unless the woman goes through court for child maintenance, which I assume she could?

I’m pretty disappointed that this bastard behaviour is going to ruin my (previously fairly good) relationship with my in laws
Bastard behaviour from whom. If it is true that the ex lied about birth control, and yes, it definitely happens, not just one lie but a web of deceit, the biggest bastard in the whole saga is the ex.

@spanielstail I guess it depends on one's definition of 'terrible'. I can understand what OP says about her relationship with ILs going forward. If it was me, I'd lose all respect for them after this and there would be no way back.

If they know the baby is BILs ignoring the child's existence, regardless of the actions of baby's mother (if she tricked him or if it was a case of contraceptive malfunction or whatever else), is pretty awful. It is a helpless baby and it is none of this is its fault.

@Getawaywithit

I could imagine a situation where the BIL’s ex girlfriend told him, untruthfully, that she was using contraception therefore he did not need to

And? If he didn’t want a child, he needed to wear a condom.

Men have no other options than condoms. If they don’t want babies, they need to use them. Every time. The only other option is abstinence.

And if the condom breaks, is that the man's fault as well? Or should we blame the woman for not using the pill / IUD / calendar method or preferably all three.

@Iwonder08.
Exactly this.
I was coming on to say the same thing.
Great minds and all that.

Do you know his ex girlfriend?
In your husbands situation I would contact her and ask if I could have a relationship with the child. I wouldn’t want the child growing up knowing I had chosen not to know him or her.

Tricked my arse. Bottom line is he has a child and his issues with the mother are irrelevant, it’s beyond shit to deny the child

You can’t get involved with the baby but don’t think I could look at any of them ever again and I’d be putting forward my views on not punishing the child for the sins of the parents.

What contraception did he believe was being used? It seems important. What failure rate was he prepared to risk to get laid if he wasn't going to use his own contraception? Because none of them are entirely reliable. There's always a risk unless you keep your dick in your pants.

Going against the grain here, I certainly think it's your husband's business. He will have a DN he may never know, that's going to be a sore point for him.

Personally I'd never let anyone tell me who I could or couldn't be in contact with, they're not the bloody mafia!

If I were your DH I'd reach out to her when the baby is born and see if she would like contact. Her child has a right to know who their family is. Stuff the ILs, this child has their whole future ahead of them wondering why their dad's family didn't give a shit about them. Disgusting behaviour.

For the love of god don't try connect to the child. It's your husbands brothers baby. It's not your relative. It's absolutely not your business and it's not your place to be trying to make contact with a child that is nothing to do with you. You're going to stir up so much shit op. Stop the drama and leave it alone.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

He wasn't tricked into anything. He had sex without a condom ejaculated inside her and now she's pregnant. I highly doubt he was too concerned about accidental pregnancy when he had his moment of pleasure. He's got to face his part in this too. If he was that adamant that he didn't want kids he used have told her straight no condom no sex.

Well we don't know that, OP hasn't said how he was tricked has she. I know a couple who ended up with a baby as the chaps little brother through it was hilarious to put pins through condoms.

I really hate these threads. Why is it ok for women to have full freedom to have an abortion if they don't want to become a parent and that is fully accepted (and indeed by myself) yet men get vilified for feeling just the same.

It's amazing the number of women who are so against abortion, even the morning after pill, despite knowing their sex partner doesn't want a child.

Their actions are so selfish, yet somehow, this is all forgotten and forgiven whilst the victim gets treated like pariah.

Of course it's sad for the child, but the mum is to blame fully, not the father. Would women forced not have an abortion and look after a child they desperately don't want get such venom? Of course not.

Sorry, reread the OP, I thought it said she tricked him into getting her pregnant not tricked him into not using contraception. I'm not sure how you trick someone into not using contraception but he needs to man up.

Congratulations to you and your husband on your new nephew/niece. A blood cousin to any children you may have and a member of your family.

Your in-laws have no right to dictate who you and your husband associate with. You do not have to justify yourself to them.

Already people have told you about their misplaced shame and misery at being the unwanted child. You have read their stories and can see the future your in-laws have planned for this child. If you join with them in refusing to acknowledge flesh and blood you are complicit.

Your priority is to act on your desire do what is morally right for you and your husband.

@vivainsomnia

I really hate these threads. Why is it ok for women to have full freedom to have an abortion if they don't want to become a parent and that is fully accepted (and indeed by myself) yet men get vilified for feeling just the same.

It's amazing the number of women who are so against abortion, even the morning after pill, despite knowing their sex partner doesn't want a child.

Their actions are so selfish, yet somehow, this is all forgotten and forgiven whilst the victim gets treated like pariah.

Of course it's sad for the child, but the mum is to blame fully, not the father. Would women forced not have an abortion and look after a child they desperately don't want get such venom? Of course not.

Um, I think you’ve misunderstood. He’s not being vilified for wanting her to have an abortion, he’s being vilified because th child now exists and he’s having nothing to do with them

Irrelevant of the parents sins you don’t punish the child. They exist. End of.

@CinnamonJellyBeans totally agree

I guess the OP is going to find a relationship with PIL difficult because she can imagine them cutting her & her (potential) children off if she split from DH. Also, it doesn’t matter how the baby arrived, they are still the grandparents, and shouldn’t be punishing a child for it’s mother’s actions (assuming they believe BIL account).

OP, did you know the ex before they split up? Is there any way of getting contact details without going through BIL? If I was you I would quietly reach out to her. You might want to be a little cautious about getting in too deep to a relationship though, in the remote chance BIL is right & she is some kind of psycho.

Weird behaviour by inlaws

I'd ignore it and send my sister in law some flowers from the both of you.