to be devastated by BIL’s secret baby?

[toastlover100]

Last week DH and I were finally let in on the family secret. His brother’s ex parter has recently given birth to his child.

Supposedly she had tricked BIL into not using contraception. The in-laws story is that BIL was tricked into getting her pregnant and that he is an unwilling sperm donor.

Whilst BIL has fessed up that this baby is his, he gone NC with the ex and not met his child owing to feeling tricked and cheated. He is refusing DNA tests, child support etc. PIL don’t view the baby as their grandchild.

DH and I were only let in on this accidentally, have been sworn to secrecy , and are denied ever meeting our nephew. It feels like I am somehow grieving for this relationship that never will be.

AIBU to feel completely at a loss with how to move forward?

A man can't demand a woman aborts but he should bloody well be able to decide whether he wants to assume the position of father and co parent with a woman who's actively trying to sabotage his life for her own gain

He can. It's called "taking responsibility for his own contraception"

No matter WHAT he's been told, if he feels strongly enough, he'll take charge of his own contraception. If he chooses not to, it's on him and all the whining and hand wringing with his (often) female cheerleaders won't change the fact that he made a choice and there is now a consequence to that choice. Stupidity and/or selfishness isn't an excuse

If that's the case then fair's fair: shut down abortion clinics for women who haven't been raped.

If the condom failed and she wasn't on the pill, she must birth and raise the child. After all that's the consequences of her actions.

@CJsGoldfish

A man can't demand a woman aborts but he should bloody well be able to decide whether he wants to assume the position of father and co parent with a woman who's actively trying to sabotage his life for her own gain

He can. It's called "taking responsibility for his own contraception"

No matter WHAT he's been told, if he feels strongly enough, he'll take charge of his own contraception. If he chooses not to, it's on him and all the whining and hand wringing with his (often) female cheerleaders won't change the fact that he made a choice and there is now a consequence to that choice. Stupidity and/or selfishness isn't an excuse

At least you are honest enough to admit that a man who trusts a woman is a fool!

Who exactly are you supposed to be keeping the kid a secret from? Is BIL married to someone else or something? Who do you think needs to know, and for what reason?

If a man I was dating swore that he was sterile, then admitted that he'd lied because he just really wanted a baby with me, I'd probably react the same way BIL did here. At least half the people crucifying him for it would be calling it "rape" if the sexes were reversed. BIL may well be lying about what happened, but it's nothing to do with OP either way. Let the courts sort it out.

“Whattheactualfk

If that's the case then fair's fair: shut down abortion clinics for women who haven't been raped.

If the condom failed and she wasn't on the pill, she must birth and raise the child. After all that's the consequences of her actions.“

A man never births the child though obviously even when the woman doing do is the consequence of his actions.

At least half the people crucifying him for it would be calling it "rape" if the sexes were reversed

@PurpleOkapi Not really. Not wearing a condom was his choice at the end of the day- no-one sneakily took it off him.

At least you are honest enough to admit that a man who trusts a woman is a fool!

It's less about trust and more about common sense over personal enjoyment. lol
There is not a single person who doesn't know that contraception is not 100% effective and if you are more concerned with your own enjoyment over increasing the odds, no sympathy.
Knowing a pregnancy wouldn't be acceptable yet doing NOTHING to ensure it doesn't happen is just dumb. Hardly a 'man' worth defending.

Sorry, I am tired. That wasn’t very clear. I just meant being pregnant, and giving birth, or having an abortion, will always affect the woman emotionally and physically. The man will never go through the same experience.

@CJsGoldfish

At least you are honest enough to admit that a man who trusts a woman is a fool!

It's less about trust and more about common sense over personal enjoyment. lol
There is not a single person who doesn't know that contraception is not 100% effective and if you are more concerned with your own enjoyment over increasing the odds, no sympathy.
Knowing a pregnancy wouldn't be acceptable yet doing NOTHING to ensure it doesn't happen is just dumb. Hardly a 'man' worth defending.

Yes, no method of contraception is effective.

Best not have sex at all!

Who exactly are you supposed to be keeping the kid a secret from? Is BIL married to someone else or something?

I wondered this.. it's not clear 🌸

Pretty much exactly the same thing happened with my own brother. Niece (who none of our family have ever met) will be turning 18 soon. Brother has always paid maintenance, but has never met her.

My family's attitude has always been the same as OP's situation.

I find it very, very difficult to live with.

Yes, no method of contraception is effective

Best not have sex at all

Better yet, if that isn't an option, BOTH take responsibility for contraception. Unless you're too dumb or too selfish. In that case, don't whinge if your own lack of effort results in a baby.

Sounds like the BIL is married, yes. He must have wed quick after splitting with the ex, or else kept seeing her whilst he was married.

@CJsGoldfish

Yes, no method of contraception is effective

Best not have sex at all

Better yet, if that isn't an option, BOTH take responsibility for contraception. Unless you're too dumb or too selfish. In that case, don't whinge if your own lack of effort results in a baby.

Too dumb or selfish? Actually, a great many are. You’ll be howling at the moon with that line of thinking, though.

IMHO, both sexes should have contraceptives inserted under the skin from the time they reach puberty. When they decide they want to start a family, they should have to undertake a training course and demonstrate that they have the means to support their child. Only then can the contraceptive be removed!

But this man has been provided with no alternative at all. It's be a Dad or your a bastard. A woman wouldn't be treated like that

What exactly does being a father entail though? In a lot of cases, some fathers only pay something like five pounds a week towards the child's upkeep (my ex never paid anything) and never even have to see them. Being a mother is a lot more complicated.

Are all the women who rush to lament for poor men tricked into parenthood, the mothers of sons? I suspect so.

It’s not your business to “move forward”.

IMHO, both sexes should have contraceptives inserted under the skin from the time they reach puberty

Or we raise our children to take responsibility for their own choices and actions and don't look for the lazy way out.

Don't want a baby = Ensure you don't have one.

Can totally see how these 'men' are indulged when they end up fathering a child they don't want. Go onto any 'teen' thread where drinking and/or keeping whatever hours they choose has been normalised and 'expected' Happy to supply alcohol to children but not put in the effort to ensure they are able to take responsibility in other 'adult' areas? It STILL ends up being 'someone elses fault'

But this man has been provided with no alternative at all. It's be a Dad or your a bastard
He has. It's called 'taking care of your own contraception' No 'trickery' involved. Don't want to be a dad? Then ensure you won't be. Duh!

If you are so upset about all this, I would wait and see how everything pans out later.Peoples views might well change when things have calmed down a bit. Some of the family are being ridiculously mean and nasty about everything.

@CJsGoldfish

Of course you are correct, but the fact is a great many people cannot be trusted to take responsibility. Railing against that is like Canute standing against the tide.

Realistically, what would you propose?

Are all the women who rush to lament for poor men tricked into parenthood, the mothers of sons? I suspect so.

I'm not. I'm just capable of envisioning myself in the same situation. If abortion wasn't possible, then I'd have wanted to place the baby for adoption. If that wasn't possible because the father insisted on keeping it, I'd resent the hell out of any expectation of my involvement. In that hypothetical, I wouldn't feel guilty about it, either - if I'd gotten my way, the child would have had a happy, loving, stable two-parent home with adoptive parents who very much wanted a baby. I might not have been able to force my ex to make that happen, but any harm to the child from that decision would be his fault, not mine.

Being a mother isn't inherently more complicated than being a father, and there are plenty of non-custodial mothers whose contributions to the child's upbringing consist of paying money and occasionally causing drama. There are also plenty of single and stay-at-home fathers who do most of the work themselves, and are great at it. I don't believe anyone should have the right to force parenthood on anyone else, regardless of either person's sex.

I would be extremely upset because I’m not sure I could ever look at my BIL as a decent human being ever again. That the parents are condoning his behavior makes it hard to see them any differently.

We always love our family even when they do bad things, but abandoning a child is a hard one to simply accept. I think I would have to state my opinion on the matter one time. I would talk to DH first because it is his family and I don’t want to blow up his world, but I think my only chance of being civil at future family gatherings would be to get it out of my system once.

Of course you are correct, but the fact is a great many people cannot be trusted to take responsibility. Railing against that is like Canute standing against the tide
Realistically, what would you propose?

Other than raising our children to be more responsible and a lot SMARTER about their own sexual health, I don't know.

For me, it's more about the placing of blame. The buck stops with the guy no matter what reason he may choose for not taking that responsibility. Regardless, the automatic response is to blame the woman. I'm realistic enough to know their are plenty of unscrupulous women out there who are more than happy to take advantage of a guys unwillingness to protect himself but that still doesn't excuse the fact that, for whatever reason, he made that choice and does not get to then whine about being 'tricked' . And anyone who jumps on that bandwagon is just as bad.

I think that, as well as mothers of sons (of which I am one) on here, there are women whose partners/husbands/brothers/friends have been irresponsible and then screamed 'foul'

Leave it be… your BIL is not being completely honest, his parents think this is the best way to support their son and you are shocked!

I understand what you mean but I think give it time and BIL may establish a relationship with his son eventually. Good luck

The first two years of my daughter's life she was the secret baby. Years pass and now she's been the apple of her father's family's eye. But I have NEVER forgotten who in the family did the right thing stepped up seeked us out and had a relationship with her BEFORE her father gave up on his secret. My advice is reach out to the mom in a kind and respectful way. From your OP you sound exactly that kind and respectful.

@toastlover100 - do you have children of your own? Because if you do, then it becomes more understandable, as this baby boy would be their cousin and you sound like you'd like him to know his cousins.

Your DH would probably like to know his nephew too! I know the child isn't blood related to you specifically, but he will be to any children you have or will have in the future, so I can understand your interest in not cutting him off entirely.

I think it's pretty awful of your ILs to have decided to ignore the baby's existence as well - again, he's their own blood relative! I'm ignoring the BIL at the moment because he could have a legitimate grievance against his ex, if she did get pregnant by a creative "accident". But still - the child is here now, is his, and he does need to step up and contribute to paying for his upkeep. If he doesn't/won't then he's yet another deadbeat sperm donor.

Whether or not you should consider contacting the ex to talk about the baby - well. It's going to cause ructions in your DH's family if you do, but it depends what's more important to you.