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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be devastated by BIL’s secret baby?

303 replies

toastlover100 · 22/06/2021 22:57

Last week DH and I were finally let in on the family secret. His brother’s ex parter has recently given birth to his child.

Supposedly she had tricked BIL into not using contraception. The in-laws story is that BIL was tricked into getting her pregnant and that he is an unwilling sperm donor.

Whilst BIL has fessed up that this baby is his, he gone NC with the ex and not met his child owing to feeling tricked and cheated. He is refusing DNA tests, child support etc. PIL don’t view the baby as their grandchild.

DH and I were only let in on this accidentally, have been sworn to secrecy , and are denied ever meeting our nephew. It feels like I am somehow grieving for this relationship that never will be.

AIBU to feel completely at a loss with how to move forward?

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 23/06/2021 00:05

How awful that your PIL don't want to know their own grandchild! What arseholes

Do you know the ex?
Nothing stopping you reaching out to her

Your PIL don't want a relationship with their own grandchild - ok that's their choice.
It's your choice if you do want one. What can they do about it? Go NC with you perhaps - they'd be doing you a favour!

DragonDoor · 23/06/2021 00:10

It sounds like your BIL has fed his parents a story and they have fallen for it hook line and sinker.

blubberyboo · 23/06/2021 00:11

I think it’s very unfair of people to say this is none of your business

Your husband is hurting

You both feel shock at the in laws and it understandably will affect your view of them in future. It’s hard to trust someone who turns their back on their own kin especially an innocent baby.

The baby is a cousin of your children or future kids so a relationship with him is important to you.

You are allowed to have a relationship with who you like but deep down you know it could create tensions in the family. This leaves you feeling as tho any relationship has to be done in secret which is uncomfortable

Yanbu

FinallyFluid · 23/06/2021 00:11

@Iwonder08

It has literally nothing to do with you. I don't understand how you can possibly 'grieve the relationship' with a child who is not even your relative. Any man who dumps his child is a bastard, but it is none of your business.
Nailed it.
me4real · 23/06/2021 00:12

@PanamaPattie Biologically, the LO is just as much her and her DH's nephew as if the brother and his ex were married or living together.

@toastlover100 You know if you contact the ex or whatever it will cause issues with your pre-existing family relationships, so there's not anything you can do about it really- unless your DH wants to gently give his opinion to his DBro (I wouldn't get involved directly myself if I were you. Smile )

@Seesawmummadaw That's a very brave decision. Did the other family members have other 'antics'/behaviours over the years that made it easier to cut ties with them than if they'd been otherwise tolerably-behaved people?

SinisterBumFacedCat · 23/06/2021 00:13

I really am amazed the whole “tricked” line is still being bought into, on here of all places. It’s classic misogyny.

Op I do hope you give your BIL and PILs your very honest opinion on their behaviour and attitude. How could they turn away a GC?

PiersPlowman · 23/06/2021 00:17

[quote toastlover100]@PanamaPattie I’m afraid I don’t have the answer to WHY I feel what I feel, or do what I do.

I’m pretty self aware, but sometimes we just want things without having clear reasons or explanations.[/quote]
Indeed you do not have to explain yourself others but you did nevertheless solicit comment here.

Prudence would dictate that it is advisable to mind one’s own affairs and do one’s best to avoid drama, and yet you seem determined to poke your nose in where it does not belong.
There will be consequences for you.

Original poster
toastlover100 · 23/06/2021 00:20

@SinisterBumFacedCat yep the misogyny is absolutely awful and making me increasingly questioning as to the reality of the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
toastlover100 · 23/06/2021 00:23

@PiersPlowman I am seeking the support and perspectives of an online community.

Not sure why you are foreseeing consequences and acting threatening.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 23/06/2021 00:23

I don’t think I keep shitty secrets. When mil has asked us to do something shitty I’ve refused, and said how could I say to the involved children that i went along with this? Id say to pil one day this child will reach out and I won’t be in the position where I have to tell them I kept them a secret just because you asked. I want to be able to say we told Bil that not paying for your child is unacceptable. (Just because you are horrible people but best not to say that)

Seesawmummadaw · 23/06/2021 00:25

@me4real yes and no. They were arses but this just proved it. They were up the sons arse and he could do no wrong. He had three children that he had nothing to do with.

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/06/2021 00:28

Sod that. I'd be going nc with bil and the in laws who are behaving disgracefully.

Thankfully he wont get out of child support.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/06/2021 00:30

Surely it's the mother of the child/BiLs ex partner who has every right to feel devastated?
Reasonable for you to be disappointed/pissed off at the family reaction, but devastated, really?

Whattheactualfk · 23/06/2021 00:33

Why is it misogyny when I have literally read posts on here written by women who want to become "lax" with birth control? Women aren't pure angels, we can be as manipulative as men.

sykadelic · 23/06/2021 00:34

Keep it a secret how? Do you normally walk around talking about the kids of your husband's brother?

Look, I think its pretty shit. I have some family secrets akin to this but we don't have all the details. We simply welcomed the child(ren)/adults when they came forward and openly acknowledge them as family.

You are thinking about how you feel and ignoring how the child or woman feels. You could send her a congrats on the birth card so she knows you know, you could tell your husband's brother he's being a dick, or you could just let things fall as they may and deal with the situation as it comes.

As for your in laws, presumably they have been told more than you, plus BIL is their child and they're choosing someone they know over someone they don't.

Butterfly44 · 23/06/2021 00:38

How was he an "unwilling sperm donor". Presumably he had sex and didn't wear a condom. Can't go solely blaming a woman for that. And then to want nothing to do with the poor innocent child. And the PIL also. Not morally right on any level

PiersPlowman · 23/06/2021 00:40

@Whattheactualfk

Why is it misogyny when I have literally read posts on here written by women who want to become "lax" with birth control? Women aren't pure angels, we can be as manipulative as men.
I could imagine a situation where the BIL’s ex girlfriend told him, untruthfully, that she was using contraception therefore he did not need to.

But then who knows what the truth of the situation is? Even the OP has been fed a diet of gossip. Red flags all round, I’m afraid.

“ just let things fall as they may and deal with the situation as it comes.”

Absolutely correct.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 23/06/2021 00:46

@Whattheactualfk

Why is it misogyny when I have literally read posts on here written by women who want to become "lax" with birth control? Women aren't pure angels, we can be as manipulative as men.
Because it’s the standard “blame the women first” response when their precious boy couldn’t be arsed to take responsibility of his own actions.
Freddiefox · 23/06/2021 00:49

[quote toastlover100]@PanamaPattie Maybe the baby situation isn’t. But it sure is seriously devastating for my relationship with PIL. Considering I don’t have much family my side at all, it’s pretty significant.[/quote]
You are making this all about you and sound quite dramatic. You don’t have to let it ruin your relationship with your pil.

Maybe they tore strips of him, maybe they didn’t.
Maybe they are really disappointed with him and are hoping to change his mind rather than go non contact with him.
You just don’t know. But it doesn’t have to ruin your relationship, that’s of your choosing.

Sometime people make mistakes, and regret then later, they don’t know how to act, I understand you are disappointed and angry with him and them but you don’t have to drive a wedge between you and them

Whattheactualfk · 23/06/2021 00:51

Why should someone 'take responsibility' for a baby the don't want?

Should a woman take responsibility for her pregnancy and child even if she doesn't want it? Or should she have free access to abortion and adoption?

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 23/06/2021 00:58

With these DNA kits readily available now, it's really hard to keep secret babies on the down low.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 23/06/2021 01:02

If he didn't want responsibility for a child he should have taken responsibility by putting a condom on. Don't leave it up to someone else them bitch and moan

Stillhurting786 · 23/06/2021 01:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thehouseofmarvels · 23/06/2021 01:24

When the inlaws say keep the baby a secret, from who exactly? Do they mean a secret from your children or future children? So keeping their cousin a secret? What if baby reaches out to people who are not allowed to know on social media in 18 years ? Can Dads avoid child maintainance by just saying its not mine and I won't take a DNA test? I thought a court would order him to take one, am I wrong ? I can't see how a kid can be kept a secret these days with DNA and social media ?

ScrollingLeaves · 23/06/2021 01:27

“AnamaPattie
Why do you think that this baby should be part of your life? Genuine question.”

I can’t answer for the OP, but I do think some people just naturally have a very strong sense of kinship and connection.

It is like it is in “Who do You Think You Are” when the person whose ancestors are being researched is overcome with emotion or distress when they are informed about something that befell their ancestor. It was so long ago, they never even knew about them before, but the feeling of being connected to them is enough to make them feel completely involved.