to be devastated by BIL’s secret baby?

[toastlover100]

Last week DH and I were finally let in on the family secret. His brother’s ex parter has recently given birth to his child.

Supposedly she had tricked BIL into not using contraception. The in-laws story is that BIL was tricked into getting her pregnant and that he is an unwilling sperm donor.

Whilst BIL has fessed up that this baby is his, he gone NC with the ex and not met his child owing to feeling tricked and cheated. He is refusing DNA tests, child support etc. PIL don’t view the baby as their grandchild.

DH and I were only let in on this accidentally, have been sworn to secrecy , and are denied ever meeting our nephew. It feels like I am somehow grieving for this relationship that never will be.

AIBU to feel completely at a loss with how to move forward?

If they never met the child and never created a relationship, it's having "a" child that they rejected, not the child personally. When they reject the children after creating a relationship with them, then it's personal

Who matters here, the adult (who was able to consent to sex and understand the potential consequences, even when contraception is used) or the child that results? You don't think the impact on the child - whether or not one of their parents refuses any kind of relationship compared with some kind of relationship that is inconsistent and eventually stops - is similar? A sense of rejection? Not being good enough? Problems with forming relationships in the future? Potentially growing up in poverty if maintenance isn't paid? Not knowing siblings? Not knowing where they have come from?

Why are you excusing the abandonment of a child who didn't ask for any of this?

@Strikethrough he and his sister have always been adamant that they do not want children. They are now 19 and 15 and their reasoning is that they had a chaotic upbringing (before coming to us) and don't want to risk doing the same. Neither of them are like their parents, but are stable, sensible and have plans for the future - that do not involve kids.
At the moment my son is not able to have a vasectomy as he is too young, but as soon as he can he's having it done. My daughter isn't currently sexually active, but we've discussed that when she's ready she will go on the pill and will eventually be sterilised. They know their own minds.
They also know that both men and women can lie about contraception. My daughter knows that she was conceived due to her mother tricking her father - something her mother was very honest about and strangely proud of. Her father still left though and has had no contact with either child since. They are both very clear that arrangement was best for them. He didn't want to be a father and resented their mother tricking him. As I said in a previous post, we tend to trust the people we are in a stable long term relationship with.
We've also discussed with them what to do if there is an "accident". My daughter would have an abortion and my son would offer to pay for one, or if the women goes ahead, would pay for the child - but doesn't want to have contact.

So my friend was in this situation. Her ex decided he did not want to be a Dad and scarpered to the county his family came from and made it clear he would stay abroad and not pay child support. His family helped him, probably hoped he would find a suitable wife 'back home' from their community. She tried to contact his family but they refused to respond to any messages requesting them to meet their grandchild. My friend got a message from his brother last week. Her ex had an undiagnosed heart condition and died of a heart attack. The country he fled to to avoid child support is the one his family originally came from; very poor and if he had access to superior health care in the uk I do wonder if he might have survived. His family have made their decision and she is just going to leave them to their lives and not keep trying to force a relationship. She has not heard from his parents; they have made their decision not to be involved but I do think that its sad that this baby is all they have left of their son and they still want nothing to do with him.