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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my partner to be at home when I get back from treatment

354 replies

Wontgoquietly · 13/04/2021 18:39

I have cancer and due to start treatment in around a week. 6 months of chemo and I'm understandably very nervous and apprehensive.

My DP hasn't been at any of my appointment etc due to covid and work patterns and that's fine. However on the day of treatment my stepchild has training for a hobby that he is very talented at and DP is also very involved with.

SC has been scouted and invited to a semi pro training academy which they have been attending for a.couple of weeks. It's out of town and late in the evening. It is however close to my DP mothers so they have been staying over there on that evening each week and the following day they pursue the hobby outside of the semi pro academy.

I have asked DP if this is to be the pattern moving forward and he has said yes, this is how he plans to work it.

That leaves me home alone after a gruelling day of chemo and for most of the following day.

AIBU to expect dp to speak with stepchild mum and ask her if she can facilitate the hobby and training during this time so my DP can be here to support me?

I feel like an ogre dragging him away from his child and a mutual hobby they both enjoy so much but am going to need support over these next few months.

OP posts:

denverRegina · 13/04/2021 18:42

YANBU

Hope your treatment goes well. Good luck.

mooonstone · 13/04/2021 18:44

I would say you are top priority

Theunamedcat · 13/04/2021 18:44

Yanbu but I would be concerned that he hasn't thought you might actually need support that he actually needs it pointing out to him?

mooonstone · 13/04/2021 18:45

Though I wouldn’t begrudge your husband going on occasion as it’s a 6 month period

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/04/2021 18:45

YANBU at all.

You need support during this time.

I think your DP is being either incredibly selfish not to realise this. Or he's scared about how to deal with it and using this as an excuse.

I really hope it all goes OK.

trevorandsimon · 13/04/2021 18:45

Why would you ask? Surely your partner should tell or say he's not available!

Fortunefavours1 · 13/04/2021 18:46

This must be very upsetting for you, I'm so sorry, he needs to find more balance and step up and support you more. Otherwise, why be in a relationship.

I would be having words and letting my expectations be known, I would not be putting up with that. How is the relationship in other ways? I cannot imagine this is an isolated incident.

So sorry you're going through this, sending you hugs and strength, and prayers if you believe in that sort of thing (I do).

IHateThinkingUpANewUsername · 13/04/2021 18:47

How are you getting to, and crucially, from your appointments?
There will be times when you won’t be able to drive yourself home afterwards...

LakieLady · 13/04/2021 18:49

YANBU, OP, far from it.

You need him to be there for you. The effects of chemo seem to vary widely. Hopefully, you will be one of those people who don't seem to react too badly, but until you have it, you won't know how it will affect you.

He definitely needs to be there for you for the first couple of sessions, at least. If it turns out to be something you are able to cope with without having him around, fine, but if not you may need his support throughout the process.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this and wish you all the best with your treatment.

LemonRoses · 13/04/2021 18:50

You might surprise yourself. Often any symptoms of chemo don’t occur until a couple of days later. Why are you assuming it will be gruelling?
It’s boring but it’s not unduly awful on the day. If you don’t use a cold cap, it’s not even all day. There is very good symptom control that holds most side effects in a manageable place.

I drove myself home and worked the next day. It’s also usually not every week, but in three week cycles, so only a couple of days feeling a bit grim each month.

Maybe see how it goes. If you’re feeling a bit off colour you won’t feel like partying but can curl up watching television or dozing and he can cook when he gets back. You won’t usually need looking after in terms of physical help.

AmyLou100 · 13/04/2021 18:50

Yanbu op. Yes he should definitely be there to support and take care of you. I'm shocked that he hasn't made other arrangements already.

QueenOfPain · 13/04/2021 18:52

YANBU, and I’d like to think in similar circumstances I’d be telling my ex DH that I was sorting the child and the activities so he was available to support you.

Not saying that to pass the responsibility to her, but yes, you definitely need your DP around to support you in this. I can’t believe the lack of foresight on his part. Is he expecting that someone else will be available to support you?

LemonRoses · 13/04/2021 18:52

PS I don’t know anyone apart from the very elderly patients who wasn’t able to drive themselves. The hospital often says bring someone but when pushed admit that’s because some people want psychological support rather than any medical reason.

pickingdaisies · 13/04/2021 18:58

I'm a bit stunned that he isn't going with you for the first one at least. My DH can be a complete arse about some things but it wouldn't have occurred to him not to take me and bring me home, for emotional support if nothing else.

PurpleBiro21 · 13/04/2021 19:09

I’m sorry OP, I would feel very let down and hurt.

It’s a very different thing but I’ve had lots of IVF treatment and various operations and my DH went over and above to be there to make sure I was ok. I think that’s fairly normal.

Do you have anyone else to stay with you? A Covid support bubble might work with the right person who isn’t mixing with others.

I wish you all the very best with your treatment.

Outbutnotoutout · 13/04/2021 19:14

I think he should definitely be there for the first session and then see how you are, it might be fine, it might be terrible, but your not going to know until after.

He should be there to support you and be led by you and your needs

saraclara · 13/04/2021 19:19

When my DH was having chemo, I didn't see a single person there who didn't have someone with them. Maybe they're not needed, but basically they were there, as was I, to support the recipient and pass the otherwise very boring time with them.

In your place I'd want my partner to want to be there. It's not about the practicalities, it's about the person who loves you immediately recognising that they want to be with you for this.

Royalbloo · 13/04/2021 19:20

This is a DH/DP problem

Royalbloo · 13/04/2021 19:22

But I think I'd rather be alone if I'm honest

thenewduchessofhastings · 13/04/2021 19:22

@Wontgoquietly

Do you have children in your home you would need help eg your children/yours&DH's children/both?

MadMadMadamMim · 13/04/2021 19:27

I'll be honest.

If my DP hadn't even considered that I might need support through chemo and was intending to continue with stepchild's hobby as normal, I'd be re-thinking the relationship.

It's not unreasonable to expect he might see if ex could take the child whilst you are ongoing treatment. Or even if he could run them to grandma's house if it's nearby - and perhaps GPs could take them.

The fact that he's shrugging and expecting you just to suck it up and deal with it whilst having chemo alone would make me look at him in a very different light. It's not loving, is it?

User0ne · 13/04/2021 19:28

If he can't/won't be there is there someone who can be. I've had 2 family members who needed admitting to hospital due to chemo side effects that didn't appear until after they got home.

Both are now fine but it was very scary for them and their partners.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 13/04/2021 19:30

@LemonRoses

Surely that depends on the type of chemo? When I had mine, it was over 2 days every 4 weeks. Day one was 8 or 9 hours, day 2 was 6 hours. I wouldn't have been safe to drive because of the medication given to stop an allergic reaction.

bloodywhitecat · 13/04/2021 19:32

DP's first session was Christmas Eve 2020 and I was told he had to be driven to and from the session. He now drives himself as he is tolerating his chemo really well but I know that different chemo treatments have different effects on people. Thursdays are chemo day in our house and those days are planned around his treatments, we have been warned it can have am accumulative effect and he may well feel worse the longer treatment goes on.

NailsNeedDoing · 13/04/2021 19:32

Do you mean it’s likely to happen every week after you’ve had treatment, or is it just once after the first one?

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