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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my partner to be at home when I get back from treatment

354 replies

Wontgoquietly · 13/04/2021 18:39

I have cancer and due to start treatment in around a week. 6 months of chemo and I'm understandably very nervous and apprehensive.

My DP hasn't been at any of my appointment etc due to covid and work patterns and that's fine. However on the day of treatment my stepchild has training for a hobby that he is very talented at and DP is also very involved with.

SC has been scouted and invited to a semi pro training academy which they have been attending for a.couple of weeks. It's out of town and late in the evening. It is however close to my DP mothers so they have been staying over there on that evening each week and the following day they pursue the hobby outside of the semi pro academy.

I have asked DP if this is to be the pattern moving forward and he has said yes, this is how he plans to work it.

That leaves me home alone after a gruelling day of chemo and for most of the following day.

AIBU to expect dp to speak with stepchild mum and ask her if she can facilitate the hobby and training during this time so my DP can be here to support me?

I feel like an ogre dragging him away from his child and a mutual hobby they both enjoy so much but am going to need support over these next few months.

OP posts:
Lachimolala · 13/04/2021 20:55

A hobby and cancer/treatment do not compare, one is infinitely more important than the other. If this was my own child I would make other arrangements with family and friends to facilitate said hobby so I could be absolve and present for my partners treatment.

I’m really hoping you have a speedy recovery and successful treatment, so sorry this is happening to you.

CharlotteRose90 · 13/04/2021 20:55

Good luck with your treatments. I’ve had chemo and after my appointment i used to go home and sleep. I think to restrict them for the full 6 months isn’t right. Could he do 2 out of 4 weeks. You might that some weeks your fine on your own. I was and sometimes I just wanted peace and quiet.

Original poster
Wontgoquietly · 13/04/2021 20:59

@slumcat

I hope you've made a full recovery.

OP posts:
ladycarlotta · 13/04/2021 20:59

YANBU. Even if chemo turns out to be gentle on you (and the first type my mum had was NOT, she certainly did need me there afterwards), it is fucking bleak that you are expected to spend the night and day all alone. I know sometimes men just don't think, but your partner needs to realise this is a huge thing and to bump you up in his priorities a bit. Going through chemo essentially alone is not fair - you just need that solidarity. I'm sorry he hasn't twigged, OP.

Original poster
Wontgoquietly · 13/04/2021 21:00

@CharlotteRose90 it is every other weekend that I was hoping he would be here for me. Leaving the alternative weekend free for him and stepchild to pursue the activity

OP posts:
Takwxiab2 · 13/04/2021 21:02

So does he have his child every weekend then or EOW that he could ask the mum to swap then in line with your chemo sessions?

Original poster
Wontgoquietly · 13/04/2021 21:03

Tbh I genuinely think he has his head buried in the sand.

Before my diagnosis when it was suspected he wouldn't discuss it as that was thinking negatively.

When I have explained my treatment plan and future treatment plans if this fails he wont entertain the thought of the first step not working.

Maybe because he hasn't been able to be involved with medical appointments etc he just doesn't understand the severity of it.

I will look into the Maggie's centres. Maybe they will have some support for him to help him better understand

OP posts:
saraclara · 13/04/2021 21:04

All this advice based on other people's regimen is pretty useless to the OP.

Only one person here seems to have had the same chemo protocol, and the rest of us really can't advise. Certainly, in my DH's case, the after-effects of the chemo got worse with each session, so it might not be much use OP's partner just coming to the first few.

But it's not really about the practicalities, is it? It's about the fact that this man is not only not putting his partner first, but it's also that he doesn't even have the empathy to consider her at all. He's just assumed that he and his kid can carry on like nothing's happening.

WTF99 · 13/04/2021 21:05

@Wontgoquietly

I've chosen the Friday as my young child will be with her father so as I can try and sheild her as much as possible from the effects.shes very sensitive and is already very worried about mummy. I wouldn't want to swap my day as hopefully by the time she is back home I'll be coming out the other side and normal service can resume with school runs etc
It's tricky OP because you won't know what your pattern is going to be until you've started. For the first few cycles I felt ok on treatment day and the day or two after but sick and wiped out by day 3, that all improved though once my meds for side effects were tweaked. My treatment regime was different for the last few cycles, and then I felt at my worst on about day 8/9 but steadily improved after that. I guess at the very least I would have a conversation with your DP to discuss the need for some flexibility around your needs. I would also look to extend your support network beyond just him. I think the support role is too much for just one person, no matter how devoted they are, but that's just me.
Original poster
Wontgoquietly · 13/04/2021 21:06

@takwxiab2 we have DSC EOW but DP does this activity with stepchild every weekend.

We have ensured that my treatment week is not the weekend we have DC.

OP posts:
AmyLou100 · 13/04/2021 21:07

Op he isn't a 'partner' if this is where his priorities lie. I just cannot believe he would let you down so massively, he has even got you feeling guilty for wanting support. Absolute shame on him.
If you were my friend I would be there to support you, cook and help you in any way. Sorry you have to go through this and 🙏you recover well.

Pansypotter123 · 13/04/2021 21:08

I wish you so much luck with your treatment and I hope you don't suffer too much from what seems a very gruelling regime.

Can I ask, you have said your DP hasn't attended any of your appointments at all - is he burying his head in the sand and in denial?

Have you spoken to the MacMillan nurses about this?

Regardless, he should be there for you, at least at the very start of your treatment until you establish how your regime affects you.

How long have you both been together.

Have you any friends/family nearby to assist you in his absence?

Good luck and fingers crossed 💐

mybonnieliesovertheocean2 · 13/04/2021 21:08

I think what’s apparent on this thread even those who have had cancer treatment is that folks don’t understand that not all treatments are the same. Some regimes aren’t as harsh. Some chemos are treatment, some are adjunctive etc etc. So you can’t compare like for like. If the OP is on a curative path and has been advised the treatment is hard then she needs to prepare for that. It isn’t a walk in the park and can have serious side effects even the straight forward treatments. She is anxious and wants a partner there to support her. I have supported my DH for over 2 and. 1/2 yrs and certainly wouldn’t be prioritising my DC hobbies if he was ill from treatment .

MixedUpFiles · 13/04/2021 21:09

When I was having cancer treatment, DH was annoying me and I felt fine, just wanted to rest, so I told him to go to work. I ended up calling him back in an emergency as I crashed and had to be rushed to a&e and almost died. It was a rare, but possible reaction of my particular type of cancer. I’m just glad I realized in time to get to the phone because much longer and I wouldn’t have been capable. When they recommend you have someone with you, it’s for good reason. Odds are it won’t be necessary, but if things go bad, they go bad fast.

Alternista · 13/04/2021 21:10

No.
He needs to be there for you, each and every time, for the whole episode until such time as YOU feel you can be alone.
Cancer trumps hobby for fucks sake. He needs to have a good hard look at himself.

Original poster
Wontgoquietly · 13/04/2021 21:10

I do have great support from family and friends but calling on them would mean they would have to abandon work/their own families so I want to avoid that where possible and just call in their support when absolutely necessary.

6 months is a long time to expect my bestie to drop everything, kids and all at my every back and call IYSWIM

OP posts:
Original poster
Wontgoquietly · 13/04/2021 21:13

He hasn't been to appointments because of covid protocol and he hasn't been allowed

OP posts:
marmiteloversunite · 13/04/2021 21:17

I don't think it is even about the actual treatment. The first night after chemo you feel scared and worried about the side effects. You need emotional support that night above all others as you are stepping into the unknown.

Mix56 · 13/04/2021 21:19

Who would vote YABU. ?
This has made me really pissed off.
Has he bothered thinking hat if it was HIM who had cancer...? really.
This is so unkind, uncaring, un-everything.
I am guessing this is not the time to walk. but if he's not helping, then Fuck him.

Mix56 · 13/04/2021 21:21

& yes, you don't know how you will react. it could be OK & it could be you crawl to throw up in the toilet.
He is a fucking rubbish DP

WTF99 · 13/04/2021 21:22

@Wontgoquietly

I do have great support from family and friends but calling on them would mean they would have to abandon work/their own families so I want to avoid that where possible and just call in their support when absolutely necessary.

6 months is a long time to expect my bestie to drop everything, kids and all at my every back and call IYSWIM

IME lots of people offer support OP in a "let me know if there's anything I can do" kind of way, but being on my own I needed something more reliable than that so identified people who I asked to sign up to specific things...they were brilliant and never let me down. I hope you find a resolution to this with your DP. It's such a tough time for you both
CharlotteRose90 · 13/04/2021 21:22

[quote Wontgoquietly]@CharlotteRose90 it is every other weekend that I was hoping he would be here for me. Leaving the alternative weekend free for him and stepchild to pursue the activity[/quote]
Oo I read it wrong I apologise I thought you meant every week and session. No definitely if it’s every other week he can do it. I had my mum or dad for mine. They came to the hospital with me and then used to be in the house but I often wanted sleep and peace. Make sure you look after yourself and do things you wanna do.

Slumcat · 13/04/2021 21:25

Yes I’m absolutely fine made a full recovery, funny enough it was 9 years yesterday I had my first dose - I wish you all the best OP and I hope your DH comes to his senses, mine was similar I don’t think he fully grasped the whole diagnosis- after my first dose he could see with his own eyes it clicked for him
Huge love and best wishes to you x

bluegreygreen · 13/04/2021 21:27

it's his weekend anyway as the treatment is administered EOW

Could he swap the weekends so that he has DSC on the weeks that you don't have treatment? This would mean he could definitely be there for the sport those weekends, and could be with you for the other weekends (and even do the sport with DSC if you were doing well that week)?

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 13/04/2021 21:31

He should absolutely be there for your 1st session. He should also take his child to their hobby once a month at the minute. Once you know how you are after chemo, how it affects you etc perhaps he could take them twice a month. I don't think you can set anything in stone at the minute.
Good luck OP sending best wishes Flowers

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