To expect my partner to be at home when I get back from treatment

[Wontgoquietly]

I have cancer and due to start treatment in around a week. 6 months of chemo and I'm understandably very nervous and apprehensive.

My DP hasn't been at any of my appointment etc due to covid and work patterns and that's fine. However on the day of treatment my stepchild has training for a hobby that he is very talented at and DP is also very involved with.

SC has been scouted and invited to a semi pro training academy which they have been attending for a.couple of weeks. It's out of town and late in the evening. It is however close to my DP mothers so they have been staying over there on that evening each week and the following day they pursue the hobby outside of the semi pro academy.

I have asked DP if this is to be the pattern moving forward and he has said yes, this is how he plans to work it.

That leaves me home alone after a gruelling day of chemo and for most of the following day.

AIBU to expect dp to speak with stepchild mum and ask her if she can facilitate the hobby and training during this time so my DP can be here to support me?

I feel like an ogre dragging him away from his child and a mutual hobby they both enjoy so much but am going to need support over these next few months.

[BadEyeBri]

Oh OP I'm so happy to read your update. I wish you all the very best in your treatment

[Itlod1982]

So glad to beat it OP. All the best for your treatment

[Itlod1982]

@Itlod1982

So glad to beat it OP. All the best for your treatment

Hear it 🤦🏽‍♀️

[Mmn654123]

Really pleased to hear it. Glad he’s stepping up and very best of luck with your treatment. Let’s hope that poster turns out to be right and it’s a walk in the park after all ;-)

[user1470132907]

OP, from what you say I think we have had the same cancer. The chemo worked a treat for me, cure wise! But absolutely no way could I have safely driven anywhere after my treatment, or at various points in between (strong anti sickness drugs knocked me out). I did have a couple of scares where I had to be checked out at hospital in the small hours of the morning, but never needed admitted. Wishing you all the very best of luck xxx

[Princessdebthe1st]

Dear OP,
I am so pleased you managed to sort this out. I had breast cancer and my chemo was brutal. I had two different regimes. Firstly I had a 3 week cycle 2 drugs on week one and one drug on weeks two and three. The two drug session I had IV anti histamine which pretty much knocked me out for the whole 4-5 hour session and there is NO way I would have been able to drive safely. My husband was amazing, he took me to the sessions and then picked me up at the end (I didn’t want him fussing over me) despite him being really scared of hospitals. He did what I needed and no more (which was also important to me).
He stepped up with all sorts of support at home and was there for me when I went from being fine to being admitted to hospital with sepsis in little more than two hours. I don’t say this to scare you, as others say everyone’s experience of chemo is different but like you my clinical team were very clear that the chemo regime I was going to have would be brutal and they were right. I say this to reinforce that you are right that you will need this support and that you also have the right to expect it. The very best of luck to you x

[Enough4me]

Good luck OP, I'm just having tests for a lump and it's stressful enough. I don't think you're exaggerating and he was definitely head-in-the-sand until he took in the truth. Good luck

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I’m really pleased to read your update. That is excellent news! You must be so relieved. Thank goodness he was just being a bit of a prat rather than malicious.

I hope it turns out to be nothing Enough4me.

[Pottedpalm]

Wishing you strength along the way .

[billy1966]

So pleased to read this OP.
I really wish you strength and resilience during this.
My three friends are really thriving and two of them were in the thick of it last year.

[magnummum]

Thanks for updating us OP. Sending you every good wish for your treatment and recovery. Sounds like a very gruelling path to an ultimately positive outcome

[Plumtree391]

I am so pleased your partner has agreed to be with you after treatment, it must be a weight off your mind.

Good luck for successful treatment, op.

[Hiphopboppertybop99]

I'm so glad your DP has agreed to be with you on treatment weekends @wontgoquietly, it must be such a relief. You mentioned in one if your posts that you wanted to get a schedule together so you know you had someone to call on if needed. I'd have have done that and asked him where he fitted in.....
Hope your treatment goes well for you.
My DP takes my SC to a hobby every week, sometimes twice and if I'm ever planning anything (out of covid), and it's not very often either, that I do, I always arrange for a different night so it doesn't clash. However, there have been a few occasions over the years where something is arranged for the same evening. SC has either been taken to hobby by mum, another parent or has had to miss. I know it's not the same but it did just astound me that for your chemo treatment he wasnt initially budging.

[Justilou1]

Very proud of you for taking the bull by the horns. You’re in a vulnerable situation with the cancer and being a stepmum is also a weird situation, I suspect... (I am not one, but looking on these boards, I see a lot of women who I think are being taken for granted by partners and feel like they can never have an opinion about the situation they find themselves in...) I didn’t think that you were a pushover, but these boards can be brutal for stepmothers. You need support. I hope your DH gets his priorities in order without you needing to spell it out. He needs to be told that this is actually real.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

@Wontgoquietly

Just to update we have spoke again this evening and he has agreed he needs to be home on my treatment day and that I shouldn't be left alone overnight.

The Saturday session will still go ahead as normal but I can arrange for someone to be here if need them to be.

I just don't think he fully understood the severity of things, so after me explaining about how quickly things can go wrong with sepsis and allergic reactions for example it hit home that I obviously wouldn't be best placed to deal with that alone.

I just want to thank everyone for their words of support.

Obviously this is a very stressful time for me and most of you have been wonderful.

Thank you

So glad to hear you won't be left alone overnight!

And I hate to be the fly in the ointment here, but - don't allow him to backslide. Don't be manouvred into saying 'I'm sure I'll be fine, of course it'll be all right for you to go wherever / whenever'. Don't say you're feeling fine when you don't. Don't minimise any pain, don't minimise any discomfort, don't minimise any nausea, don't minimise any distress, DON'T MINIMISE ANYTHING. He doesn't see your needs without you saying them out loud, so please, just ensure you keep reminding him of your needs loud and clear. No subtlety, no stiff upper lip - loud and clear!

Best wishes for your treatment and recovery.

[Wontgoquietly]

I just wanted to update doe those who had asked. Was dir to start this coming Friday but disaster blummin struck before I'd even started.

Woke up last Thursday morning to know feeling in my arm face and neck and a blue tinge and sausage fingers. I'd developed a blood clot over night from my picc line site.

Been an inpatient since and having first dose tomorrow on the ward now the clots under control.

Just reinforces again what I was saying about how quickly things can and do turn.

Will have to self inject blood thinners for sometime until the clots disappear in their own.

So to the lady who repeatedly tried to hammer home that chemo and treatment was a walk in the park.....I have a few choice words id like to say to you but I'll take the higher road and keep them to myself.

My DP has been amazing and has really stepped up even organising me some weekly help at home to take a load off during these next few months.

Think its finally hit home that this shite is real and is happening

Hoping to be able to get home by the weekend after they have started the new escalated regime

Thanks again to everyone who offered support and words of wisdom previously.

[Wontgoquietly]

So sorry for the typos some of the meds I'm on have made me a little doolally! Hopefully this made sense lol

[thiswaythat]

Oh Op I'm so sorry. It really is 'roll the dice' when it comes to cancer treatment. Stay positive, I've got all my fingers and toes crossed for you x

[billy1966]

Oh you poor pet.
So sorry to read that.

I hope they are looking after you well.
So glad that he has stepped up.
Good for him.
You deserve no less.

Funnily enough, one little warning to prepare you and try and forwarn you about.

Only see those that are helpful and make you feel better for seeing them.
Avoid those who expect you to relentlessly positive.
Avoid those that you feel you have to be very positive for.

My friends had mixed experiences with friends.
But 2 of them were very let down by one friend each who was nowhere to be seen

This pissed them off no end.
They both were exercised by it.
But I came to the conclusion that the annoyance was actually a distraction for them to think about when they were fed up of thinking of cancer.
They had both been very supportive of these friends.
The truth is you never know who will step up and step back when hard times hit.
I will add you to my prayers and really wish you the best.
Keep posting.

[babbaloushka]

So sorry to hear that OP, I hope you feel better soon. Glad to hear your DP has stepped up

[EKGEMS]

I'm so glad you are improving from the clots! I'm a breast cancer survivor and had a blood clot during my treatment. You will get through this! So glad your partner saw the reality! Good luck!

[joystir59]

I'm.glad your partner has stepped up, but sorry it's proven necessary. I hope you get home very soon feeling brighter. Wishing you strength and power and comfort OP.

[Crazycatstory]

Oh no, so sorry to hear that you have had such a horrible complication so soon (in fact at all). Glad to hear you are improving with treatment, and will get your first round in today.

Sometimes people bury their head in the sand in this sort of situation, hoping everything will be fine, and it takes a wake up call like this to make them see the actual reality. I’m so pleased he’s recognised now what a slog this is likely to be for you, and just how quickly things can go from fine to disaster. I wish you well with your treatment, and really hope things go well with your treatment. Best wishes.

[Ohdobequiet]

Thinking of you op x

[Radio4Rocks]

Thinking of you, OP.