To expect my partner to be at home when I get back from treatment

[Wontgoquietly]

I have cancer and due to start treatment in around a week. 6 months of chemo and I'm understandably very nervous and apprehensive.

My DP hasn't been at any of my appointment etc due to covid and work patterns and that's fine. However on the day of treatment my stepchild has training for a hobby that he is very talented at and DP is also very involved with.

SC has been scouted and invited to a semi pro training academy which they have been attending for a.couple of weeks. It's out of town and late in the evening. It is however close to my DP mothers so they have been staying over there on that evening each week and the following day they pursue the hobby outside of the semi pro academy.

I have asked DP if this is to be the pattern moving forward and he has said yes, this is how he plans to work it.

That leaves me home alone after a gruelling day of chemo and for most of the following day.

AIBU to expect dp to speak with stepchild mum and ask her if she can facilitate the hobby and training during this time so my DP can be here to support me?

I feel like an ogre dragging him away from his child and a mutual hobby they both enjoy so much but am going to need support over these next few months.

[MiddlesexGirl]

I don't know enough about chemo. But could a quiet day with no-one else around actually be better?

[Haveyoubrushedyourteeth]

I have a talented child, they're involved in an academy programme after being scouted too, and I love taking them and watching etc despite the four hours driving twice a week, but wild flipping horses wouldn't keep me from being with my husband in circumstances such as yours!

I've seen a lot of the dad's at these things, it's not about bonding in many cases, it's about swanning around thinking their child is going to become world famous....a talent of course that they got from them 🙄 He's going because he wants to OP not because he's needed. I'm sure his mother could and would take him if she knew what was going on but my guess is that she's been told you're fine with it.

I'm actually livid on your behalf, it seems that your ex is being more considerate by swapping things around than your partner is. The man might well be frightened as PPs have suggested, but it's no excuse. So grab your big girl pants and tell him that he needs to sort it because you've got enough on your plate without this adding to your worries. It might be that you tolerate treatment better than you think and he can go back in a few weeks, but in the meantime he needs to stop putting himself first - and stop pretending that it's for the good of his son!

I hope your treatment goes well - you sound like a lovely person who deserves much better than you're getting at the moment.

[Noodle765]

YANBU, but just wanted to let you know that when my mum had chemo, she always felt fine on the day & felt a bit under the weather a couple of days after chemo.

[LemonRoses]

[quote moochingtothepub]@LemonRoses

Chemo does vary, most the people I know have been like you and driven themselves, even picking the kids up, working etc. but some protocols make you much iller. One lady I knew was literally bed bound for 72 hours after each round and her kids stayed with a good friend throughout to reduce infection risk, her husband slept in the spare room and wore masks (doesn't seem so weird now but was then) unfortunately she didn't make it, but at least they tried I suppose [/quote]
I get people respond differently. In fact that is exactly my point. A presumption of awfulness is a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.
Many aren’t terribly unwell. Nobody enjoys it, but some are able to cope far better than others. I’m not convinced spreading the idea it’s always six months or a year of lying around in bed is terribly helpful given that fear and psychological expectations impact on reactions quite so much.
Of course partners should be considerate but there may be no need to be ‘looked after’.

[leftistbimbo]

Don’t feel guilty about imposing on his time with his son, you are not asking to abandon him completely and your DP could make alternative arrangements for his hobby. You deserve a partner who wouldn’t think twice about being there to support you in what must be a difficult and stressful time for you.

Could you ask for him to come home on the Friday night after the academy even if he would be home late? Surely if he was to be spending the night there with his dad anyway, SDC can be left with grandparents and they or his mum can take him to hobby on the saturday morning on these weekends?

[WeekendCEO]

Your partner should want to be there for you as much as he can. The children’s mum or someone else can take over their hobby. You should be your partners priority at the moment. I would find it unforgivable if my partner didn’t prioritise me in your situation.

Very best wishes to you.

[Dobbyisahouseelf]

I really feel for you OP. Surely this is one time in life when you should be able to lean on your DP and he needs to step up. Cancer treatment trumps a hobby. I would be so upset if my DH didn't offer to come with me to treatment. Who knows how you will react and your DP is really lacking in empathy.

[Mmn654123]

It doesn’t really matter right now why he’s being such a prat. You aren’t his therapist. And the focus now shouldn’t be on him. Worth seeing if you can be referred for some counselling yourself - probably help you to have someone impartial to talk to who isn’t family or friends so you don’t need to hold back on your feelings about his reaction.

[Wontgoquietly]

@LemonRoses with all due respect your cancer 2was not and never will be my cancer. I haven't dramatised my treatment or expectations. They are based on MEDICAL FACT given to me by my team.

If I come out the other side without lifelong lung and nerve damage I will be VERY lucky.

So kindly please don't keep preaching about how easy my treatment could potentially be, because frankly you have no freaking idea!

I'm happy for you that yours was cured so easily but not everyone has the same experience as you.

[MadMadMadamMim]

I'm really sorry to hear that he's unsympathetic, OP, and wish you all the best for your treatment.

I would have to say to him I really want you to be there for me through this. I need to feel I'm your priority and that you care. Yes, I can manage on my own whilst you prioritise DCs sport. I managed on my own before I met you. Unfortunately that raises the probability in my mind that if I have to deal with this on my own, then I can probably manage without you for the future, too. You might want to consider that.

I'd let him make his own choice then. It's a clear enough warning. And I'd mean it.

[CraftyYankee]

To be fair the OP did say she would be fine and he should go ahead and take DSS. WHY do people do that?

Stop being so British and tell him what you need! "I'm scared and I need you there with me." Then stop and wait for him to respond. If he comes back with anything less than "Of course" then that's not good enough. What is the point of being with him if he's not there for you at one of the worst times of your life?!

[EKGEMS]

I'm a breast cancer survivor and for once in my life I am speechless. My husband downplayed my fears when my mammogram came back abnormal (along with the ultrasound and biopsy) so when I was diagnosed I was prepared to divorce him if I needed to if he didn't step up when I needed him but it was his really poor method of "being positive." I've never told him the harsh reality his behavior had on me because he did eventually step up and take care of me through the really rough time I suffered through-unfortunately it sounds like the prince you're entangled with is useless. Best of luck

[sadpapercourtesan]

Your DP needs to do a rethink here. This isn't a routine appointment or even a minor surgery, this is heavy treatment that can have horrendous effects on a person. Does he not realise that? I can't understand how he can think taking his child to a sporting commitment is more important, it doesn't make sense.

My close relative had four rounds of DAR-EPOCH and three of R-CHOP. It knocked the stuffing out of him. Sepsis three times. Tumour lysis syndrome, mouth ulcers so bad he couldn't swallow...sorry OP, I'm sure you're well aware of the seriousness, but ffs you absolutely cannot be left on your own. This has really upset me, for you

[saraclara]

...tell him what you need! "I'm scared and I need you there with me." Then stop and wait for him to respond. If he comes back with anything less than "Of course" then that's not good enough. What is the point of being with him if he's not there for you at one of the worst times of your life?!

Yes. I get why you caved over this, OP, but you really do need to be honest. He's now telling himself that it's all fine and you don't need him. You have to spell this out.

"look, I know I said it was okay for you not to be with me, but that was because I felt bad that I was inconveniencing others. But I am terrified about this treatment and my condition, and I'm sorry but I need your support and I need you there"

If you don't get an immediate positive response and emotional support, then I agree that you have to look at this relationship through new eyes. But crying privately isn't going to let him know how you really feel.

[Pansypotter123]

Response was, cant my DF pick me up and if I REALLY need him here he will have to make other arrangements for DSC which involves a family friend taking him as mum is unavailable and doesn't like driving out of town after a RTA has left her particularly nervous.

This has made me so flaming angry on your behalf. Mum can't be inconvenienced but he will not support you through cancer treatment!?! (Not blaming mum here - does she even know?).

On a practical note - how will you get to and from your appointments (sorry if you've answered this elsewhere).

[Wontgoquietly]

He KNOWS I'm terrified. Weve spoke about it daily since my plan was put in place. He knows what the side effects will be, he knows the protocol for any temp spikes or signs if illness or infection.

I shouldn't have to spell it out again and again.

I feel terrible that this illness has impacted us a family unit already and that's even before my treatment starts. I've had to explain to the DC that our much anticipated holiday abroad has been cancelled. I've had to explain that the week away on the south coast can also no longer go ahead, ive had to explain that the family bike rides can't happen anymore because I'm too Ill or too tired.
Obviously I don't want to be the reason why daddy isn't going to be there for DSC During this exciting progression.

Its not every week... its every other week that I had hoped that DP would be there to support me.

Now I just feel even worse because clearly I haven't been clear enough over the last 4 weeks about my needs during this treatment.

[LouiseTrees]

[quote Wontgoquietly]@TheLastLotus I have asked him the question this evening after work, do you plan on staying out every week now going forward because of the training academy.

His response was yes, it makes sense as DSC will be too tired of he comes back here, as it's a distance to travel, and that will impact his performance during the hobby the following day.

I was like "hmmm ok!? But what about my treatment?

Response was, cant my DF pick me up and if I REALLY need him here he will have to make other arrangements for DSC which involves a family friend taking him as mum is unavailable and doesn't like driving out of town after a RTA has left her particularly nervous.

Obviously made me feel guilty that my illness is going to potentially impact DSC and his progression so I've just agreed. Said I'll be fine etc.

I don't want to push it as 1) he should recognise I need him and 2) I don't want to be the bad guy that's taking him away from something he enjoys and removing the parental support from DSC for this activity.

If I'm being honest I've spent most if the evening upstairs in tears questioning the validity of our relationship and if this is the beginning of the end.

I've been a single parent for many more years than I have n a relationship with a significant other and faced many trials and tribulations alone, this looks like another hurdle for me to jump.solo which just feels really disappointing as I had expected him to be there to support me.

We aren't married and have been in a relationship for 4 years years. Living together for 3 of those.[/quote]
How about telling him about how to spot potential sepsis, infections etc. And if he’s like why are you telling me, then say for a Sunday or during the week as these things can develop at any time. Then say as if you’ve just thought of it “ oh, (insert expletive), I’ve just thought what if that happens on a Friday night or Saturday morning”.

[LouiseTrees]

@Wontgoquietly

He KNOWS I'm terrified. Weve spoke about it daily since my plan was put in place. He knows what the side effects will be, he knows the protocol for any temp spikes or signs if illness or infection.

I shouldn't have to spell it out again and again.

I feel terrible that this illness has impacted us a family unit already and that's even before my treatment starts. I've had to explain to the DC that our much anticipated holiday abroad has been cancelled. I've had to explain that the week away on the south coast can also no longer go ahead, ive had to explain that the family bike rides can't happen anymore because I'm too Ill or too tired.
Obviously I don't want to be the reason why daddy isn't going to be there for DSC During this exciting progression.

Its not every week... its every other week that I had hoped that DP would be there to support me.

Now I just feel even worse because clearly I haven't been clear enough over the last 4 weeks about my needs during this treatment.

You have. He’s chosen not to listen. Please do get some other support

[Summerdayshaze]

@LemonRoses

You might surprise yourself. Often any symptoms of chemo don’t occur until a couple of days later. Why are you assuming it will be gruelling?
It’s boring but it’s not unduly awful on the day. If you don’t use a cold cap, it’s not even all day. There is very good symptom control that holds most side effects in a manageable place.

I drove myself home and worked the next day. It’s also usually not every week, but in three week cycles, so only a couple of days feeling a bit grim each month.

Maybe see how it goes. If you’re feeling a bit off colour you won’t feel like partying but can curl up watching television or dozing and he can cook when he gets back. You won’t usually need looking after in terms of physical help.

I couldn’t even walk, never mind drive. And vomited every hour of every day for months, despite numerous anti sickness meds.

She’s no way of knowing if it will be gruelling or not. But it most certainly can be. For many it’s incapacitating and traumatic.

He needs to step up.

[CraftyYankee]

Well then you aren't the one who should be feeling bad. If you've made yourself clear and he's ignoring you then that's on him. But why did you say it was ok to take DSS?

Really he shouldn't need to be told this. But you shouldn't feel guilty, it's not like this is fun for you. And it's not like DSS can't go.

If he can't see that it's wrong then it probably will be the beginning of the end. How can you love someone who treats you like this?

[Windinmyhair]

I'd be seriously considering my relationship... I know DSS's progress is exciting, but someone else can take him...

To know that you are not prioritised given the seriousness of your condition, would mean that there wasn't a relationship left for me.

[CornishTiger]

YANBU

Please don’t think you are in anyway

[HalzTangz]

Couldn't you compromise. He takes the child to the activity and drops the child at the grandparents. During this time you have a friend round. Once he dropped the child off, he comes home, your friend goes home.
As for meals, could you not pre prepare something that you can just bring in the microwave whilst he is out.

I'm puzzled why, if taken ill once home, you need someone to drive you to hospital, could you not call an ambulance in that scenario (hopefully this won't happen to you)

[timeisnotaline]

This is the end of the relationship surely. There is no way I could stay with some one after this. What are you going to do, grow old together and nurse him through his health problems? Have you said to him why do you think I should be in a relationship with you if you’re going completely awol while I have cancer treatment?
Tell people. Tell everyone dp won’t be there at all, any weekends, he’s watching his child play hobby what’s it. It feels shameful admitting that kind of thing about a partner but they rely on that. They don’t want their friends to know they can behave that way, because it’s very clear thats no way to treat someone you love and he knows that, he does.

[Summerdayshaze]

[quote Insomnia5]@LemonRoses congratulations on managing to piss your way through chemo. It’s not like that at all for a lot of people. Stop minimising it, makes me feel like I’m weak for needing help.[/quote]
Same. Chemotherapy treatments vary as do the combinations. I was like the walking death and I’d rather someone had prepared me. Because I was led to believe it wasn’t a huge deal these days. It can be goddam brutal. Neutropenia sepsis is terrifying. Plus complications, fainting, blood transfusions.