To expect my partner to be at home when I get back from treatment

[Wontgoquietly]

I have cancer and due to start treatment in around a week. 6 months of chemo and I'm understandably very nervous and apprehensive.

My DP hasn't been at any of my appointment etc due to covid and work patterns and that's fine. However on the day of treatment my stepchild has training for a hobby that he is very talented at and DP is also very involved with.

SC has been scouted and invited to a semi pro training academy which they have been attending for a.couple of weeks. It's out of town and late in the evening. It is however close to my DP mothers so they have been staying over there on that evening each week and the following day they pursue the hobby outside of the semi pro academy.

I have asked DP if this is to be the pattern moving forward and he has said yes, this is how he plans to work it.

That leaves me home alone after a gruelling day of chemo and for most of the following day.

AIBU to expect dp to speak with stepchild mum and ask her if she can facilitate the hobby and training during this time so my DP can be here to support me?

I feel like an ogre dragging him away from his child and a mutual hobby they both enjoy so much but am going to need support over these next few months.

[saraclara]

Could you arrange a zoom meeting for both of you with someone who is familiar with the chemo protocol you're having? Whether it's someone from the hospital or from something like Macmillan?

It seems like he needs to hear the details from a professional. I know that the likelihood of what would happen on which days after my DH's treatment was spelled out to us very clearly. It was more predictable that we had imagined. Which meant we were able to schedule fun things into the three-week cycles on days that he was likely to be well, and shade out calendar dates when he was most likely to be feeling tired or unwell.

In his case, day 2 and 3 were actually his best days. 4-6 we didn't plan anything, then gradually he improved and we could put things in the diary again.

But yep, see if there's someone who could zoom with you both and really spell it out to him.

[Isadora2007]

Sorry I’m one of the yabu voters- not that it’s as straight forward as being exactly unreasonable. I just wonder about a few things.
You said you chose the weekend to suit your arrangements for your child- does your husband possibly feels consideration should have made around his child too or instead? I also wondered if some kind of compromise of him being there for the hobby on chemo day itself as he won’t be able to attend the chemo anyway- then he leaves son at his mums and comes home- and that grandparent takes child to hobby the next day... or he sees you on chemo day but you get a friend for the day after?
I think it’s important for both children to have the Chance to carry on normal lives as much as is possible and so if friends and family are offering help perhaps they could be used to facilitate some help.

I wish you all the best for your treatment.

[waitingforthenextseason]

You shouldn't even have to ask, let alone think he'd tell you no.

If he's not there for you when you need him most, what is the point of having him? You would be there for him... he should be there for you ... or tell him to get to fuck.

[Skap]

@LemonRoses

PS I don’t know anyone apart from the very elderly patients who wasn’t able to drive themselves. The hospital often says bring someone but when pushed admit that’s because some people want psychological support rather than any medical reason.

I'm afraid I strongly disagree.
I had weekly chemo, along with it I was given huge doses of antihistamines which knocked me out (and everyone else who had it). I would never have been safe to drive home afterwards. As to going to work next day, that would be rare. DH dropped me off and picked me up as I didn’t want or need a companion but I physically could not drive afterwards.
It's true OP that you may not feel the worst the day of treatment or the next day but until you start I wouldn't advise you to drive yourself. I suspect your partner has no idea quite how gruelling chemo can be. I would ask him at least to be available to help you the first time until you know how you will be.

[AliceMcK]

[quote Sugarplumfairy65]@LemonRoses

PS I don’t know anyone apart from the very elderly patients who wasn’t able to drive themselves. The hospital often says bring someone but when pushed admit that’s because some people want psychological support rather than any medical reason.

Surely that depends on the type of chemo? When I had mine, it was over 2 days every 4 weeks. Day one was 8 or 9 hours, day 2 was 6 hours. I wouldn't have been safe to drive because of the medication given to stop an allergic reaction.[/quote]
I was thinking the same thing. My DF and cousin both went through chemo at the same time, my DF who was a lot older and terminal was ok physically afterwards but bored stiff as he wasn’t the type of person to sit down for 5 mins let alone hours. My younger cousin was really ill and not capable of getting himself home. His DP wasn’t always able to be there and didn’t drive so he was driven by hospital volunteers. Different cancers, different effects.

[Wontgoquietly]

I don't think the schedule has came across very clear going by some pp.

We have both my DC and DSC EOW on the SAME weekend. However DP has DSC for the evening on the opposing weekend because of said hobby and the semi pro academy.

The academy is a new development that has only just started when rules relaxed a couple of weeks ago so prior to that and when we planned my treatment DP was only doing the hobby on the Saturday morning with DSC.

Because the academy is out of town and close to his parents, plus the acadamy runs late into the Friday evening. The plan is for him to spend every friday T his parents with DSC and the following day continuing with the hobby. This means he will leave for work on the Friday and not return home until mid to late afternoon on he Saturday every week.

I had expected him to collect me from hospital when he had finished work on my treatment day and be available that weekend to support me. Assuming DSC mum would facilitate the hobby in this weekend.

However partner wants to continue with hobby every weekend leaving me alone immediately after treatment overnight and into the next day.

[blueluce85]

Btw OP.. If my bestie needed me there eow at some point and I had somewhere I could drop my child (single parent) then I would in a heartbeat. Don't feel like you are a burden to your friends. What is the point of friends if not to be there in the bad times as well as the good?

[Skap]

6 months is a long time to expect my bestie to drop everything, kids and all at my every back and call IYSWIM
Whatever the type of cancer and regime tnis is true. People you thought were good friends disappear. Those who remain, you just don't want to burden with asking for help all tne time. Emergencies, yes, light relief and a shoulder to cry on, yes but there is a limit.
Id have said show him this thread but one poster who sailed through chemo effortlessly might stand out to him.

[IEat]

Does he know the dates of your treatment? Could be he’s scared
Could be he doesn’t know how to support you

[babbaloushka]

He definitely needs to prioritise you, that's bloody awful. OP, I hope you can get through to him.

[Mollymalone123]

When I had mine then dh would take me to hospital and stay with me (I appreciate with covid that’s not probably possible now) then he’d take me home and I would rest.He would go back to work the next day-After the initial round of chemo it was nice to havd his company but I could manage as long as he could drive me home after.Asyour treatment goes on though you will need more help-not necessarily on the day if treatment though- maybe a few days after I found was the hardest and then you would recover again already for the next round.Depending on how it affects you ,you may need your OH more a few days after each round.However,now is the time that he needs to put YOU first-and your needs at this time do come before anyone else.Goid luck with your treatment and I hope it all goes smoothly

[BeigeFoodLover]

@LemonRoses

You might surprise yourself. Often any symptoms of chemo don’t occur until a couple of days later. Why are you assuming it will be gruelling?
It’s boring but it’s not unduly awful on the day. If you don’t use a cold cap, it’s not even all day. There is very good symptom control that holds most side effects in a manageable place.

I drove myself home and worked the next day. It’s also usually not every week, but in three week cycles, so only a couple of days feeling a bit grim each month.

Maybe see how it goes. If you’re feeling a bit off colour you won’t feel like partying but can curl up watching television or dozing and he can cook when he gets back. You won’t usually need looking after in terms of physical help.

Firstly, sorry you had to go through chemo, but I’m glad it was as you’ve said above, however not everyone is the same. I hope you’re ok now. X

My mum went weekly (3 weeks on and one off) and was awake all night from steroids and sick as a dog for the next few days. It was awful to watch. One of us had to drive her to and from as she was so frail. Also - some days we were there for 5-6 hours at at a time. She was not a special case, we all made regular friends in the waiting room/treatment room.

OP - you might want to be alone while you’re suffering my mum did. Also, and I’m sorry as I’ve not got very far into the thread, but I think you need to think of who will take you too and from. Driving after a long day might feel full on. Of course, you could be like the precious poster and feel ok! You just don’t know, but I’m all for preparing for the worse and being pleasantly surprised! X

As an aside, mum really relied on ice cream, ice lollies, and those build up milkshakes to help her when her mouth hurt. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and wish you all the luck in the world. X

[TheLastLotus]

@Wontgoquietly has he insisted on doing so every week although you have asked for support?
It’s cruel, selfish and unempathetic of him to prioritise a hobby over his own wife.
You shouldn’t even hav to ask, much less be made to feel guilty about wanting support for your own bloody husband when you’re ill!

Sorry if this comes across as emotional but I’ve seen too many men get away with being tears.. for things that are v obvious

[TheLastLotus]

Twats not tears silly autocorrect

[Mowly75]

Sorry that’s shit, and yes he should be there. When I went through chemo my partner was an absolute arsehole and complained and moaned about coming with me to the hospital. After I recovered I left him. Cancer treatment has a way of sorting out the wheat from the chaff. Being charitable he may be in shock, shit at dealing with bad news, or unable to deal with what you’re going through. He may not be aware of how grim chemo can be and what sort of support you need. I hope he comes around and you get the support you need and deserve.

[moochingtothepub]

@LemonRoses

Chemo does vary, most the people I know have been like you and driven themselves, even picking the kids up, working etc. but some protocols make you much iller. One lady I knew was literally bed bound for 72 hours after each round and her kids stayed with a good friend throughout to reduce infection risk, her husband slept in the spare room and wore masks (doesn't seem so weird now but was then) unfortunately she didn't make it, but at least they tried I suppose

[RachelRavenRoth]

It’s cruel, selfish and unempathetic of him to prioritise a hobby over his own wife.
I sadly agree with this.

[Itlod1982]

YANBU in the slightest OP.

Chemo seems to affect everyone different physically. Best case scenario you feel ok but emotionally and psychologically I think he would be there for you.

I usually feel strongly about step parent scenarios when the children at not number one priority. However, this is one of a very few exceptions where you should definitely be priority. I'd actually be annoyed at exH if he didn't ask me to have my DD so he could support a partner through something like this.

Hope it all goes well for you

[Wontgoquietly]

@TheLastLotus I have asked him the question this evening after work, do you plan on staying out every week now going forward because of the training academy.

His response was yes, it makes sense as DSC will be too tired of he comes back here, as it's a distance to travel, and that will impact his performance during the hobby the following day.

I was like "hmmm ok!? But what about my treatment?

Response was, cant my DF pick me up and if I REALLY need him here he will have to make other arrangements for DSC which involves a family friend taking him as mum is unavailable and doesn't like driving out of town after a RTA has left her particularly nervous.

Obviously made me feel guilty that my illness is going to potentially impact DSC and his progression so I've just agreed. Said I'll be fine etc.

I don't want to push it as 1) he should recognise I need him and 2) I don't want to be the bad guy that's taking him away from something he enjoys and removing the parental support from DSC for this activity.

If I'm being honest I've spent most if the evening upstairs in tears questioning the validity of our relationship and if this is the beginning of the end.

I've been a single parent for many more years than I have n a relationship with a significant other and faced many trials and tribulations alone, this looks like another hurdle for me to jump.solo which just feels really disappointing as I had expected him to be there to support me.

We aren't married and have been in a relationship for 4 years years. Living together for 3 of those.

[saraclara]

If I'm being honest I've spent most of the evening upstairs in tears questioning the validity of our relationship and if this is the beginning of the end.

I would be too.

I'm so sorry, OP. Going through all this is hard enough with a loving and fully supportive partner. I think the next few months are going to sort the wheat from the chaff among your family and friends. And it's really not looking good as to where your partner will fall.

I hope you have someone you can rely on to go with you to that first session, even if it's just for moral support.

[wtfisgoingonhere21]

@Wontgoquietly
I would also be questioning my whole relationship tbh.

I wouldn't be abled to get past the fact that he should be moving heaven and earth to put you first whilst your having treatment.

Your going to need practical and moral and emotional support throughout.

If that's not at the forefront of his mind he's got a problem

I wish you all the luck in the world with your treatment and seeing all the posts here maybe you could have a running thread here for moral and emotional support and some laughs Ali g the way to help you through it.

[Mmn654123]

Sometimes it takes something lousy happening for you to find out who you can rely on.

But you are strong, and you will get through this. Focus on your child and your own wider family. Take a step back from you OH for a bit perhaps. If he isn’t a help to you then he’s a hindrance and you might find it easier if he’s out from under your feet for a while. That way you can feel comfortable inviting whoever you want to see over whenever you need them, without considering his schedule or his needs.

[BlackMarauder]

OP your DP is distancing himself from you. Given how often men tend to leave women while they're going through cancer, I think you should prepare yourself for the end and arrange alternative support. You clearly cannot rely on this man.

[Acinonyx2]

There is also a cancer support thread for patients - under health, general health. Pop over.

I'm not impressed with your dh here. Yes it varies and yes symptoms often set in after a day or two and if you were single you'd have to find a way to manage - but you're not single. I had a full on allergic reaction to one of my drugs first time (happens sometimes) - I can assure you I couldn't have got myself home that day after all the antihistamines they pumped in.

My dh had a bit of your dh's attitude for a while (it's not such a big deal - you're not that sick - let's not be negative and address the issue) and I found it very hard going. Things have improved a lot - but it has taken time and, sadly, seeing me be very sick indeed.

[Pottedpalm]

I realise treatments and responses vary, but my experience was that everyone had a companion with them for treatment.
I didn’t drive at all for months during my treatment. I was in high doses of opioids which made driving unsafe. Treatments can be very tough and I think it is vital to have company. DH would lie on the bed with me at home and read a book while I rested.
I hope your treatment goes well.