To expect my partner to be at home when I get back from treatment

[Wontgoquietly]

I have cancer and due to start treatment in around a week. 6 months of chemo and I'm understandably very nervous and apprehensive.

My DP hasn't been at any of my appointment etc due to covid and work patterns and that's fine. However on the day of treatment my stepchild has training for a hobby that he is very talented at and DP is also very involved with.

SC has been scouted and invited to a semi pro training academy which they have been attending for a.couple of weeks. It's out of town and late in the evening. It is however close to my DP mothers so they have been staying over there on that evening each week and the following day they pursue the hobby outside of the semi pro academy.

I have asked DP if this is to be the pattern moving forward and he has said yes, this is how he plans to work it.

That leaves me home alone after a gruelling day of chemo and for most of the following day.

AIBU to expect dp to speak with stepchild mum and ask her if she can facilitate the hobby and training during this time so my DP can be here to support me?

I feel like an ogre dragging him away from his child and a mutual hobby they both enjoy so much but am going to need support over these next few months.

[Slumcat]

I may be wrong but from reading your posts the way you’ve talked about the cancer and your chemo regime sounds like the treatment I had for a type of blood cancer, if it is you will definitely need somebody with you the day after chemo for me was utterly brutal, it was the same every fortnight for 8 months, wishing you all the best xx

[Anon778833]

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. It’s his job to support you at this difficult time. I hope your treatment goes well.

[Mmn654123]

@LemonRoses

You might surprise yourself. Often any symptoms of chemo don’t occur until a couple of days later. Why are you assuming it will be gruelling?
It’s boring but it’s not unduly awful on the day. If you don’t use a cold cap, it’s not even all day. There is very good symptom control that holds most side effects in a manageable place.

I drove myself home and worked the next day. It’s also usually not every week, but in three week cycles, so only a couple of days feeling a bit grim each month.

Maybe see how it goes. If you’re feeling a bit off colour you won’t feel like partying but can curl up watching television or dozing and he can cook when he gets back. You won’t usually need looking after in terms of physical help.

But best her DP be there in any case until they know how Op herself reacts, no? What with her not actually being you and having no idea how she will respond? I can see you’re trying to help and I’m all for positivity but her husband is being a bit of a shit here -
or at the least a bloody coward - and she shouldn’t tolerate that.

[Mmn654123]

@Awomanwalksintoabar

At the risk of being flamed, I thought I might share what occurred to me when I first read your post.

For context: my boy is only small, but he already shows some flair for a sport my DH has loved all his life. The boy loves the game, and my DH is out there with him for hours, showing him technique, sharing stories of his own competing days, talking about the greats of the game. It’s wonderful to watch them. Perhaps your DP was the same with his boy. If, later on, our son was scouted! To play semi-professionally! Wild horses couldn’t keep my DH from being there and facilitating it. You don’t say how long you and DP have been together, but DP may have been secretly not-daring-to hope for this moment since SDS was very small. I imagine he feels very conflicted, and while I can’t say what my DH would chose to do in a similar situation, I do know that he would find the divided loyalties very difficult.

I really hope it works out for you, and wish you a speedy and full recovery.

Given the boy has a mother available to support him in Ops case there should be no question about loyalties - Op first. If the child’s mother was not on the scene I might feel differently but as long as one of his parents is there kids really don’t care that much.

[BlueDahlia69]

Im sorry OP but this would change my view of my relationship.

Sending you the very best of wishes for your chemo 🌸

[Ignoremeiaminvisible]

You have my sympathies, a decent partner would want to support you at a time like this.
I had a stroke before christmas and was in hospital for a week, no major mobility issues but vertigo etc. Obviously due to Covid restrictions he wasn't able to visit and as he doesn't drive was not able to pick me up when I was discharged, but, what I did not expect was that when I got a taxi home I found he had gone into work as normal expecting me to just get on with things.

You may be pleased to know I am now putting plans in place to leave him.

[Hankunamatata]

Any chance you and dp could have a zoom with a Macmillan nurse or your consultant so they can lay it out what your going to need

[An0n0n0n]

10% of people think yabu!?!?! WTF.

[glasgowLil]

Yes you definitely need him at home with you for a few days after chemo. You might need him to take you to your GP for more anti-sickness meds (an injection) or pick up prescriptions. Also you might feel really tired and sick after chemo and need someone to make you food and generally be supportive. I’ve had friends who were single when having chemo and had to go it alone but there is no way you should have to do this if you have a partner. He might be slightly in denial about the whole thing and trying to pretend it’s not happening. Have you got a Maggie’s centre nearby? There are really good at offering emotional support. Maybe you could have a chat with them and see if they’ve got any advice about how to make him face up to what is about to happen.
Good luck op - it’s a grim experience but you’ll get through it. I was having chemo for breast cancer 8 years ago. Xxx

[knittingaddict]

@LemonRoses

You might surprise yourself. Often any symptoms of chemo don’t occur until a couple of days later. Why are you assuming it will be gruelling?
It’s boring but it’s not unduly awful on the day. If you don’t use a cold cap, it’s not even all day. There is very good symptom control that holds most side effects in a manageable place.

I drove myself home and worked the next day. It’s also usually not every week, but in three week cycles, so only a couple of days feeling a bit grim each month.

Maybe see how it goes. If you’re feeling a bit off colour you won’t feel like partying but can curl up watching television or dozing and he can cook when he gets back. You won’t usually need looking after in terms of physical help.

Emotional support?

My husband had cancer for years and the emotional support is at least as essential as help with the practical stuff.

[3Britnee]

Yanbu at all.

[Wontgoquietly]

@Slumcat I think we may possibly have the same type. Cure rate are high but the regime to get you there is brutal.

I'm under no disillusion of what I'm facing. It's crazy the amount of advice I've been given from people who have faught bravely with different types of cancer, and how itll be a walk in the park. But as you know each treatment plan is different and to fix me the treatment I need will not be easy.

As another poster said earlier it's a hobby my DP has been involved in all his life and of course hes ecstatic because stepchild has been scouted.

I feel awful for feeling the way i do, but I genuinely believe I'm going to need him there

[TheLastLotus]

YANBU OP! You’re too nice - you have every right to expect support from your husband - the ONE person you expect to be there for you and support you.

Im not the LTB kind but he’s either scared and trying not to show it... or completely doesn’t give a shit about you. Is he supportive in other ways? Has he shown any kindness, consideration or regard to how you’re feeling?

[WTF99]

I had 7 x 3 weekly cycles of chemo for breast cancer in 2019 and, whilst I have a DP, we don't live together, so I spent every one of those nights alone on the day I had treatment and then a good friend came and spent a chunk of the following day with me, chatting or just being there whilst I snoozed on the sofa.

So it is doable but you need to be organised. I had my little gang of trusted people who I called on for a variety of things, including driving and being with me on treatment day, and at least 2 who would drop everything to be there if I really needed them. It worked brilliantly and I never once felt alone or at risk.

I do think having to fend for myself a lot of the time contributed to me coping quite well with treatment....basically I had to keep going, though I did feel pretty crap by the end if it all. I kind of didn't give in to it because I couldn't, though I did rest and potter lots. I did have one overnight admission to hospital when I got a throat infection and my temperature spiked. That happened to be a night when DP was staying (not treatment day) so he drove me in otherwise I would have phoned one of my emergency contacts.

I can understand you feeling upset about your partner not being there as its kind of expected really I guess, from a partner that you live with, but you might find that keeping something of your normal family routine will be helpful for you both. I'm not sure my DP would have coped very well with seeing me have the treatment if I'm honest, and I really needed to be able to concentrate on my own needs on that day and not be worrying about him, so I really didn't mind that he wasn't there. He made up for it in many other ways, and my little gang were very happy to help. I have a very special bond with those people now....even stronger than before.

Good luck with it all

[mybonnieliesovertheocean2]

The side effects of treatment usually start within 2-3 days. You need your DP there for that. They can be pretty horrendous and i support my DH during this time. I have to check his temperature, ensure he has fluids, ensure he has his anti sickness. Chemo can lead to sepsis and its important that you are supported during this. Its sometimes not easy to pinpoint the symptoms. It is emotionally stessful never mind physically, its important you have a good support network around you.

[glitterelf]

I think it's incredibly insensitive to not put you first under the circumstances even if you did cope well with treatment you may still want a handhold and the closeness of a loved one with you. My husband struggles when I'm poorly yet he'd just get on with making sure I'm ok.
I do think you need to have an in-depth conversation with him beforehand otherwise it will eat away at you and at the very least you could then turn to a friend for support.
I truly hope that your treatment goes well.

[PussInBin20]

Of course you are going to need him there, if not practically but for emotional support.
I can’t believe he is carrying on like this at such a traumatic time in your life - over a hobby.
Surely your stepchild can be taken by someone else?
This is terrible - have you not discussed it? Do you love each other?
I think this would seriously make me rethink the relationship, as others have already said.
I hope that someone can go with you but it should be him.

[SnackSizeRaisin]

Yanbu. He should at least plan to be around for the first few times, even if not every time. His child is doing sport - he will be fine with his mum or grandparents instead. it would be different if his child needed him for their own medical or emotional support.

I don't really get the reference to diet though... pregnant women can eat normally except for a very few things such as mould ripened cheese and certain unusual types of fish? Certainly no restrictions on takeaways

[WTF99]

Just wondering if it might be possible for you to request a different treatment day?

I started off with a Monday treatment day but one of those coincided with a bank holiday when the unit was closed so I was bumped to the Tuesday and that was then my day for the remaining cycles.

Its not unusual for treatment to be delayed for a variety of reasons (eg dodgy blood results) so your treatment day might get bumped for that reason, though my results were always just about ok by treatment day. I think that's fairly unusual though.

[Horehound]

Op I feel sorry for you. I would be so hurt too.

Do you have any other family member who can help you?

[Naillig222]

I'm not saying you are being unreasonable becuase I really don't think you are. I'd definitely want the emotional support of my DH for my first round at least.

BUT

From my own experience it's not on the day of chemo that you'll need the help. My experience anyway was that they give a dose of steroids with the chemo and that gives a 'boost' for a couple of days. If you are getting the same treatment it will be 3-4 days afterwards that you'll be wiped and need the extra hands. I understand everyone's regime will not be the same though.

If your DH is with you on your day of chemo does this mean he'll be gone other days instead?

[Slumcat]

Yep definitely the same cancer!
YANBU you’re going to need him x

[justwaydamin]

[quote Insomnia5]@LemonRoses congratulations on managing to piss your way through chemo. It’s not like that at all for a lot of people. Stop minimising it, makes me feel like I’m weak for needing help.[/quote]
Exactly this.

OP, my DH is currently going through R-CHOP and while generally his body is coping pretty well with it there is not a chance he would be able to safely drive home after chemo. I've taken a sabbatical from work to be around to help him.
(I'm not naive enough to think this is an option for everyone, we are very lucky to be in this position).
I would be so disappointed in my partner if he didn't at least make the effort to be around for the first treatment.
Alternatively is there a chance you could change your day for chemo? DH had a "choice" of tuesdays or Thursdays

[Lbnc2021]

OP best of luck with your treatment. And as soon as you’re better I’d be leaving him. If you can’t rely on him now you never can.

[Wontgoquietly]

I've chosen the Friday as my young child will be with her father so as I can try and sheild her as much as possible from the effects.shes very sensitive and is already very worried about mummy. I wouldn't want to swap my day as hopefully by the time she is back home I'll be coming out the other side and normal service can resume with school runs etc