To expect my partner to be at home when I get back from treatment

[Wontgoquietly]

I have cancer and due to start treatment in around a week. 6 months of chemo and I'm understandably very nervous and apprehensive.

My DP hasn't been at any of my appointment etc due to covid and work patterns and that's fine. However on the day of treatment my stepchild has training for a hobby that he is very talented at and DP is also very involved with.

SC has been scouted and invited to a semi pro training academy which they have been attending for a.couple of weeks. It's out of town and late in the evening. It is however close to my DP mothers so they have been staying over there on that evening each week and the following day they pursue the hobby outside of the semi pro academy.

I have asked DP if this is to be the pattern moving forward and he has said yes, this is how he plans to work it.

That leaves me home alone after a gruelling day of chemo and for most of the following day.

AIBU to expect dp to speak with stepchild mum and ask her if she can facilitate the hobby and training during this time so my DP can be here to support me?

I feel like an ogre dragging him away from his child and a mutual hobby they both enjoy so much but am going to need support over these next few months.

[saraclara]

Yep, I'm pretty certain that I needed to be there and to drive my DH home. He was having his chemo in winter, and his drug 'cocktail' could induce a serious and life-threatening reaction to cold. He had to have a scarf over his mouth when we exited the hospital, and I always did the driving.

[PurpleBiro21]

I was thinking the same @MadMadMadamMim.

I hate to say it, but it would be the beginning of the end of our relationship.

[IsThePopeCatholic]

Wishing you all the very best, op. DP should be there. Maybe he needs a reality check.

[Wontgoquietly]

I've made arrangements for my child to be with her dad on treatment weeks. I'm having the treatment on a Friday and it's his weekend anyway as the treatment is administered EOW.

I know some people breeze through chemo however the drugs used to treat my particular type of cancer are very very strong and have some pretty nasty side effects. unfortunately my cancer is of the immune system so every cell has to be targeted.

I've been told what to expect and I'll be honest it's very daunting. I'm terrified I wont be the same person at the end of my treatment but that's a whole other thread.

Everyone who I have spoken to who have had this treatment (via a local support group) have experienced complications of varying degrees. Infection risk is accelerated because of my type of cancer. Sepsis is common for example multiple times throughout treatment. As is shingles.

I will be home alone the night after infusion and most of the following day.

My worry is if I become ill during that time, my temp spikes etc that I will have to call on family and friends to get me to the emergency ward promptly .

Also because of the risk of infection I cant have takeaway food throught the treatment and my diet is also limited (similar to that of a pregnant woman) so I feel generally crappy and cba to cook I'll just have to fend for myself.

Sounds like I'm dramatising but this is what I have been told to expect.

I've even had to cancel my summer holiday as it's too far away from the hospital in case of infection.

Friends all have kids of their own and work ft. My parents are disabled.

I don't think he sees it the way I do. He obviously doesn't want to jeopardise time with his child and really does enjoy the activity they do together. They both see it as bonding time.

I guess I'm just going to have to pull up my big girl pants and get on with it.

[LemonRoses]

[quote Sugarplumfairy65]@LemonRoses

PS I don’t know anyone apart from the very elderly patients who wasn’t able to drive themselves. The hospital often says bring someone but when pushed admit that’s because some people want psychological support rather than any medical reason.

Surely that depends on the type of chemo? When I had mine, it was over 2 days every 4 weeks. Day one was 8 or 9 hours, day 2 was 6 hours. I wouldn't have been safe to drive because of the medication given to stop an allergic reaction.[/quote]
Yes it does. Many can and do drive themselves. If it’s over six months, it’s likely to be cyclical, so not quite so gruelling. I think presumption of terrible side effects and an inability to do anything for yourself add to the fear levels in those without experience of it.
Even with the anti-allergic reaction steroids, many people can drive.

[StopGo]

I'm not sure if you are U or not. When DH was diagnosed we had teens. We both did everything we could to keep their lives as 'normal' as possible. So yes I stood on the touchline whilst DH was having treatment, it was difficult but a mutual decision.
Get well soon

[Thisgirlcando]

I would be hurt by this. I would expect him to want to be there, do you have anyone that can stay with you?

[bonfireheart]

Why can't SC mum, grandma, uncle, aunt etc take him?

[saraclara]

@LemonRoses you appear to be missing the point entirely.

At this point, OP doesn't know how the treatment will affect her. And to be honest, chemo day is so stressful that many patients really aren't in a safe mindset to be driving. Apart from the dramatic reaction to cold that my late DH's chemo could induce, it wasn't too bad compared to some chemos. But he found chemo day stressful all the same, and I wouldn't have liked to have thought of him driving that day, never mind the fact that the emotional support helped him.
Whatever members of the family (out of my and our young adult daughters) could be around that day went with him. We'd sit and do quizzes or crosswords together, or just chat while the drip went through. And maybe go to the hospital restaurant for lunch. Anything to make it less weird and more ordinary.

I'd be really sad if a partner couldn't empathise, and want to be with me and support me.

[flippertygibbit]

My DP went with me to the first one and fell asleep! For the first appointment I'd have wanted him to be at home after that, not bothered at all, in fact I wish I could just have disappeared for my whole treatment and not seen him because he was so blooming sad for me he was bloody annoying. Sorry, I'm not much help I know!

[Pleatherandlace]

If your partner isn’t there to support you when you’re having chemo doe cancer then really, what is the point of the relationship? I think whether you have side effects or not is almost irrelevant, you need emotional support. If he can’t offer this now then when will he? Probably never.

[chocolateorangeinhaler]

Are you in the uk? When I had chemo the letter from the hospital said not to drive home yourself afterwards. Is there anyone else that could go with you?

[cansu]

I am very shocked that he has not considered you. I don't think you should have to spell it out but obviously you need to. Tell him that you are going to be sick and need his help and support. He needs to make other arrangements for the hobby while you are on your treatment. How would he feel if he was going through this?

[Magenta83]

I'm having chemotherapy at the moment. I started with some very strong treatment every three weeks. The list of potential side effects is scary. I would expect your DP to discuss this with you, work out what you need and rearrange his plans so he could be there for the first treatment and look after you. Then depending how you react you can decide what to do for the next treatments. It's best if life can remain as normal as possible. There should be a protocol with the hospital if you are on your own for later treatments.

[Mmn654123]

@mooonstone

Though I wouldn’t begrudge your husband going on occasion as it’s a 6 month period

It’s not on occasion. He says it’s the planned pattern going forward. Leaving op on her own.

[TheSoapyFrog]

YANBU and you certainly shouldn't have to pull up your big girl pants and get on with it. You're going through a scary and uncertain time and you should be the priority. DH needs to speak with his ex and explain that alternative arrangements need to be made.
I'm just hoping that your DH is just a bit ignorant of the reality of what you face with chemo rather than knowing and just not caring.

[Hankunamatata]

Because he hasnt been able to go to appointments, do you think he has his head in the sand and is in a bit of denial?

Surely they could get up earlier the next day and drive to the session rather than having to stay overnight.

[Hankunamatata]

Sorry just read its later in the evening. Any chance dp could drop of dss with his mum and come home to you then drive back out the next day to do the extra hobby bits

[Mmn654123]

@Wontgoquietly

I've made arrangements for my child to be with her dad on treatment weeks. I'm having the treatment on a Friday and it's his weekend anyway as the treatment is administered EOW.

I know some people breeze through chemo however the drugs used to treat my particular type of cancer are very very strong and have some pretty nasty side effects. unfortunately my cancer is of the immune system so every cell has to be targeted.

I've been told what to expect and I'll be honest it's very daunting. I'm terrified I wont be the same person at the end of my treatment but that's a whole other thread.

Everyone who I have spoken to who have had this treatment (via a local support group) have experienced complications of varying degrees. Infection risk is accelerated because of my type of cancer. Sepsis is common for example multiple times throughout treatment. As is shingles.

I will be home alone the night after infusion and most of the following day.

My worry is if I become ill during that time, my temp spikes etc that I will have to call on family and friends to get me to the emergency ward promptly .

Also because of the risk of infection I cant have takeaway food throught the treatment and my diet is also limited (similar to that of a pregnant woman) so I feel generally crappy and cba to cook I'll just have to fend for myself.

Sounds like I'm dramatising but this is what I have been told to expect.

I've even had to cancel my summer holiday as it's too far away from the hospital in case of infection.

Friends all have kids of their own and work ft. My parents are disabled.

I don't think he sees it the way I do. He obviously doesn't want to jeopardise time with his child and really does enjoy the activity they do together. They both see it as bonding time.

I guess I'm just going to have to pull up my big girl pants and get on with it.

Or put your big girl pants on and tell him, explicitly, what you need from him.

In sickness and in health and all that. His son will cope. He has a mother who can step up. His fathers wife is having chemo. That needs to be his priority and you need him to step up for you now.

[Mmn654123]

@Pleatherandlace

If your partner isn’t there to support you when you’re having chemo doe cancer then really, what is the point of the relationship? I think whether you have side effects or not is almost irrelevant, you need emotional support. If he can’t offer this now then when will he? Probably never.

I agree.

He might be in denial. He might be terrified.
He might be a hula dancer in secret. Who cares? Him and his needs are now secondary to Ops. That’s how it works.

So it’s time he hoiked up his own big boy pants.

[Insomnia5]

@LemonRoses congratulations on managing to piss your way through chemo. It’s not like that at all for a lot of people. Stop minimising it, makes me feel like I’m weak for needing help.

[MiriamMargo]

Bless you, you shouldn't be even having to worry about this, he should of course put you first in these exceptional circumstances.Hope all goes well xxx

[ConnieCaterpillar70]

Some things shouldn't even have to be said, OP. This is one of them.

I hate to say this OP, but if he can't be with you this 1st time, he's not going to be there for any of it.

What a dick.

[MoiraNotRuby]

It sounds very scary and full on, of course YANBU to expect your DP to support and prioritise you. Sounds like he needs to be told in no uncertain terms what you are facing and what his role needs to be. Good luck, I wish you health and strength x

[Awomanwalksintoabar]

At the risk of being flamed, I thought I might share what occurred to me when I first read your post.

For context: my boy is only small, but he already shows some flair for a sport my DH has loved all his life. The boy loves the game, and my DH is out there with him for hours, showing him technique, sharing stories of his own competing days, talking about the greats of the game. It’s wonderful to watch them. Perhaps your DP was the same with his boy. If, later on, our son was scouted! To play semi-professionally! Wild horses couldn’t keep my DH from being there and facilitating it. You don’t say how long you and DP have been together, but DP may have been secretly not-daring-to hope for this moment since SDS was very small. I imagine he feels very conflicted, and while I can’t say what my DH would chose to do in a similar situation, I do know that he would find the divided loyalties very difficult.

I really hope it works out for you, and wish you a speedy and full recovery.