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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's Plans

313 replies

TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 15:57

DH has made various plans this weekend. Mostly for Saturday, these include having a Covid Test, visiting his DF and cleaning out his car for resale.

I'm kind of annoyed about it. Firstly, because he seems to always make plans for the weekends, solo plans, without talking to me first. He works FT all week and like most only has weekends off. Every other weekend we have his children to stay and he never makes solo plans for those weekends and expects us all to have family time but it feels like he isn't interested in having family time on the weekends we don't have them to stay, he'd rather do DIY or make solo plans.

So I spend all week looking after our toddler and then come the weekend, would like us to spend time together as a family. So, for example, this Saturday, it's just expected that I'll spend all day looking after our toddler whilst he goes off and does his things. It's really starting to annoy me. AIBU.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/02/2021 16:00

YANBU. Your husband sounds very self-absorbed if this is his typical behaviour. Have you spoken to him about this?

I have to ask, if he needs a covid test, why on earth would he be visiting his father and potentially exposing him to illness?

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 16:00

And just to add, I've tried mentioning it and he doesn't get why I'm annoyed. He said I could visit DF with him, I said I'm no comfortable doing that because DF only had the vaccine a week and a half ago so not enough time for it to develop. I then made reference to a previous weekend when he spent the majority of the Saturday doing a favour for a friend. As an example of his solo plans. He also made fifty quid out of it. And then said, well, you weren't moaning when you spent that fifty quid. That annoyed me.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 16:01

@Aquamarine1029

YANBU. Your husband sounds very self-absorbed if this is his typical behaviour. Have you spoken to him about this?

I have to ask, if he needs a covid test, why on earth would he be visiting his father and potentially exposing him to illness?

He's going for one of those quick tests with results back within an hour. He's having the test so he can go and visit DF provided he tests negative.
OP posts:
UpDownQuark · 26/02/2021 16:03

Tell him that he'll be taking the toddler with him.

MuddleMoo · 26/02/2021 16:04

Get in there first with your solo plans for the next weekend you don't have his children.

You should both be having solo time and family time.

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 16:05

I also booked a slot for the local tip this Saturday because last weekend I spent all day helping him clear his garage out which resulted in a pile of stuff to be chucked. He then used this against me and said, why is it okay for me to make plans for him, ie, the tip run, but not okay for him to make his own plans. I said I booked the slot because if I didn't it would be another six months before he sorted it himself.

OP posts:
clipcloptrop · 26/02/2021 16:13

Confused this all sound ridiculous OP. I'm sorry but they are not "plans" they are just jobs that need to be done.
Covid test- hardly a bloody spa visit is it?
Visiting his df- AND?? unless he sees his df every day I don't see the issue
Cleaning the car for resale?- really?? Your pissed because he's cleaning the car do he can get the best price?Seriously OP? Why don't you clean it with him? Or by yourself whilst he is visiting DF?

Good god...absolutely ridiculously petty!

Potterythrowdown · 26/02/2021 16:14

"oh that sounds nice dear, little Timmy will love coming to see his grandad. There's a park round the corner too so take him there for a bit yeah? I'm off for a social distanced walk with Sarah from Pilates. Byeeeeeee"

He doesn't get to opt out of family time unless you do too.

prettygirlincrimsonrose · 26/02/2021 16:18

YANBU. I think the not talking to you sounds like the main issue - you're both equally responsible for your toddler so by making solo plans, he's not giving you the opportunity to do the same (I assume you also have things you would like to do on your own). I guess from his perspective he's getting family time with his whole family, and fitting in jobs, as it does sound like what he's doing at least has a purpose (whether getting in some money through selling the car or spending time with an older relative), rather than just pissing about. But not discussing it with you, and taking for granted his toddler will be looked after, sounds incredibly frustrating, particularly as it obviously limits your choices about what happens at weekends.

Have you tried to discuss it with him and explain how you feel? In terms of family time, what sort of things do you do when his children are staying, and are there particular things you'd like to do when it's you two and your toddler that currently aren't happening?

Cocomarine · 26/02/2021 16:19

The Covid test is needed! And hardly takes the whole weekend. The trip to his dad also is hardly the full weekend. As for cleaning out the car - hardly fun fun fun? But in any case, send toddler to help 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you want to clean out the car instead, to give him down time with his child? When is he supposed to do these jobs? What’s he actually stopping you from doing?

luxxlisbon · 26/02/2021 16:20

Most of these aren't plans, they are just chores to do. When else is he supposed to do things like clean his car if he is working in the week? Surely it would be more inconsiderate if he did all his chores and life admin when he had his kids and then just dumped them with you.
It isn't like he is swanning off for a weekend of fun! A covid test??

AryaStarkWolf · 26/02/2021 16:20

@MuddleMoo

Get in there first with your solo plans for the next weekend you don't have his children.

You should both be having solo time and family time.

No scrap that, OP needs to take solo time on the weekend he does have his children, he can have all the children
HmmmmmmInteresting · 26/02/2021 16:20

@TheEasterBunnies

I also booked a slot for the local tip this Saturday because last weekend I spent all day helping him clear his garage out which resulted in a pile of stuff to be chucked. He then used this against me and said, why is it okay for me to make plans for him, ie, the tip run, but not okay for him to make his own plans. I said I booked the slot because if I didn't it would be another six months before he sorted it himself.
Being in a relationship sounds like hard work
FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 26/02/2021 16:22

I think you're being a bit harsh. If he works full time when is he supposed to clean out his car to sell it? It's dark after work so not an easy evening job. And it would be a bit shit if he had his children over and spent the day cleaning the car and visiting his dad, surely?

Is it the way he does it? As in arranges what he wants for himself rather than sits down with you and talk about what you both need to do at the weekend and whens best to do it and when you will have family time etc? If so then that's fair enough to be annoyed at that but it's a communication issue rather than anything else

prettygirlincrimsonrose · 26/02/2021 16:24

Sorry, started writing my last post before I saw you'd spoken to him. Do you think it would be helpful to suggest a weekend should include both of you having some time to get things done (while the other person looks after your toddler) and time as a family, so what would be the best way to arrange that?

Iloveacurry · 26/02/2021 16:24

Make some plans of your own when his kids come for the weekend, and leave him to it.

Facultymeatings · 26/02/2021 16:26

My ex was like this. Note the ex. Current one treats me as an equal and enjoys spending time with me. You are not the housekeeper.

Sapho47 · 26/02/2021 16:28

@clipcloptrop

Confused this all sound ridiculous OP. I'm sorry but they are not "plans" they are just jobs that need to be done. Covid test- hardly a bloody spa visit is it? Visiting his df- AND?? unless he sees his df every day I don't see the issue Cleaning the car for resale?- really?? Your pissed because he's cleaning the car do he can get the best price?Seriously OP? Why don't you clean it with him? Or by yourself whilst he is visiting DF?

Good god...absolutely ridiculously petty!

Yeah they really aren't plans more chores being done in the only free time.

I bet he'd rather be relaxing on the sofa than going to the tip and cleaning the car

EarringsandLipstick · 26/02/2021 16:30

@clipcloptrop

Confused this all sound ridiculous OP. I'm sorry but they are not "plans" they are just jobs that need to be done. Covid test- hardly a bloody spa visit is it? Visiting his df- AND?? unless he sees his df every day I don't see the issue Cleaning the car for resale?- really?? Your pissed because he's cleaning the car do he can get the best price?Seriously OP? Why don't you clean it with him? Or by yourself whilst he is visiting DF?

Good god...absolutely ridiculously petty!

All of this.

OP, I've never heard anything more ridiculous!

A Covid test, visiting his dad and ... what was the last one? Car boot sale? Are a) jobs / family duties and b) not going to take the whole day.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/02/2021 16:31

Sorry it was cleaning the car - even more UR of you! It's a task, not going to take all day, and how does it affect your toddler?

EarringsandLipstick · 26/02/2021 16:32

@Facultymeatings

My ex was like this. Note the ex. Current one treats me as an equal and enjoys spending time with me. You are not the housekeeper.
he is doing the car cleaning, and visiting his dad. The other task is a Covid test (not exactly optional!); how is this treating OP as a 'housekeeper' 🤦🏻‍♀️
Facultymeatings · 26/02/2021 16:33

If it was once, then seeing his dad and getting a test would seem reasonable. You need to come at him with evidence of a pattern of behaviour, how many times he’s done it, how it made you feel etc. If he reacts angrily I would seriously suggest reevaluating what you actually get from this relationship. As others have said, when his kids come over go out and stay out.

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 16:35

Yes, I realise these things aren't exactly him going out on a jolly or pursuing hobbies or whatever but it's the fact that he doesn't talk to me about weekend plans first and just assumes he can do what he likes whilst I look after the toddler. And when does my DS get to spend any time with just his Dad if Dad is at work all week, and then doing chores at the weekend.

OP posts:
grassisjeweled · 26/02/2021 16:37

He takes toddler. They LOVE the tip.

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 16:38

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

I think you're being a bit harsh. If he works full time when is he supposed to clean out his car to sell it? It's dark after work so not an easy evening job. And it would be a bit shit if he had his children over and spent the day cleaning the car and visiting his dad, surely?

Is it the way he does it? As in arranges what he wants for himself rather than sits down with you and talk about what you both need to do at the weekend and whens best to do it and when you will have family time etc? If so then that's fair enough to be annoyed at that but it's a communication issue rather than anything else

Yes, that's exactly it. It's the way he does it and the way he decides what he's doing at the weekend without any discussions about what WE are doing at the weekend. He makes his plans, whether they're chores or not, and expects me to fit in around those plans. He'll just announce, "I'm doing this, this and this at the weekend."
OP posts: