DH's Plans

[TheEasterBunnies]

DH has made various plans this weekend. Mostly for Saturday, these include having a Covid Test, visiting his DF and cleaning out his car for resale.

I'm kind of annoyed about it. Firstly, because he seems to always make plans for the weekends, solo plans, without talking to me first. He works FT all week and like most only has weekends off. Every other weekend we have his children to stay and he never makes solo plans for those weekends and expects us all to have family time but it feels like he isn't interested in having family time on the weekends we don't have them to stay, he'd rather do DIY or make solo plans.

So I spend all week looking after our toddler and then come the weekend, would like us to spend time together as a family. So, for example, this Saturday, it's just expected that I'll spend all day looking after our toddler whilst he goes off and does his things. It's really starting to annoy me. AIBU.

How big is your kitchen that you’re up until midnight cleaning it?!
I know you work 2 hours in the evening, but with just you and a toddler at home, there’s just not reason for your kitchen to ever be in that much of a state.

I’m often a bit baffled by “life admin” on MN too. One child not of school age... just how much “admin” are you all generating? I have a school age child, do admin as I go on my phone (today: online permission for return to school Covid test, less than 5 mins to see and read the email, and follow online permission instructions). What is everyone doing that’s “admin”?!

Maybe he thinks you don’t prioritise family time because you’re cleaning and adminning, much as he is car cleaning?

I think the fact that he does stuff with his older kids, suggests that he is lazy - toddlers are harder work. Plus his older kids will call him out on doing nothing with them. So you need to be less available - as above, start assuming that things like car cleaning will involve the toddler.

I understand the feeling. It's not that he's off partying, but just that he gets to choose what chores to do, when, and he gets to do them alone etc because the default is for you to be responsible for the toddler.

I can't entirely blame him for the family time thing because with limited time, some chores need to be done and it does make sense to do those when his other DC aren't around because otherwise you'd be doing childcare for them too. But the casual assumption that you'll just adapt to his schedule is not on.

DH used to do this when DS was tiny. Eg casually announce he was going for a long run or would be meeting up with someone, without giving a second's thought to the fact that I didn't get to make those casual plans. He stopped once he realised how unfair it was, but it drove me crazy in the short term.

[quote clipcloptrop]@TheEasterBunnies I go sea swimming every weekend. It's a lovely time for it...and I can GUARANTEE your mood will be better if you go! Do you know any other ladies locally who like to sea swim. Could you start a Sunday or Saturday morning swim meet, chats and a flask of tea after too! That's what we do!![/quote]
Oh!! Being in the water is my ultimate happy place. I just adore it. I do have one friend who likes being in the water but he's more of a summer only sadly! But I definitely love this idea! I'll go in whatever the weather

Right.

You need to calmly talk to him. Explain that you want him to prioritise spending time alone with the toddler- who can easily go with dad to visit grandpa.

And that you want couple time - date night etc

Have you thought of asking him if he has plans in advance as you’d like to do cuz? As pp said it’s a communication thing and you can initiate the discussion if it’s bothering you.

@TheEasterBunnies I think it is good to remind yourself of that. It probably doesn't help that it is lockdown and you have limited options right now so that it making it all feel worse.
Also remember he has less time to do these chores in the week, not only is it dark after work but if he has the toddler while you work in the evening.
It probably wouldn't do any harm to bring this up to him but it sounds like he just views you all as one big family and so wants to make sure everyone can have every other weekend while everyone is there as more of a fun weekend rather than prioritising the 'other family'. And he also doesn't want to be doing any chores then and that means it is only you looking after all the kids, try to view it from that angle and see that although it is frustrating that there is less free time, it is coming from a good place.

Also it wouldn't hurt to tell him to bring toddler along for the drive to the tip or to FIL's house so you can have some time quiet time!

Perhaps he doesn’t share plans because knows you won’t be happy about it so we’re to avoid the argument until last possible minute!

You don’t say whether you suggest any plans for the weekend. Only that he doesn’t

I don't see the issue..

The answer would be ok I want to spend a coupleo f hours in the garden then maybe we could go for a walk together , down the park if its nice Sunday whatever..

He is letting you know what he needs to get done.. if he did it last weekend it would be why do I have to look after your other children ..This is life stuff not a football match

@Cocomarine

How big is your kitchen that you’re up until midnight cleaning it?! I know you work 2 hours in the evening, but with just you and a toddler at home, there’s just not reason for your kitchen to ever be in that much of a state.

I’m often a bit baffled by “life admin” on MN too. One child not of school age... just how much “admin” are you all generating? I have a school age child, do admin as I go on my phone (today: online permission for return to school Covid test, less than 5 mins to see and read the email, and follow online permission instructions). What is everyone doing that’s “admin”?!

Maybe he thinks you don’t prioritise family time because you’re cleaning and adminning, much as he is car cleaning?

I think the fact that he does stuff with his older kids, suggests that he is lazy - toddlers are harder work. Plus his older kids will call him out on doing nothing with them. So you need to be less available - as above, start assuming that things like car cleaning will involve the toddler.

Okay, yes it's not a very big kitchen but sadly we are all quite slovenly here and the kitchen tends to get a big clean once a week! Hence the up until midnight cleaning. I do have insomnia though so sometimes I'm quite happy to stay up until 3-5am, doing bits around the house. And actually no I don't really have any life admin, apart from shopping lists, monthly budget and any insurance or bill renewals. We are on a tight budget so watching the budget regularly is a must. The older kids are 17, 15, 13 and almost 11. It's actually quite a mission to get them off the sofas and off the screens but they absolutely love playing with the toddler.

These are just normal Saturday things! Not plans, just chores. Seeing his Dh I'm guessing is for care or is he in your bubble? Social visits aren't allowed

I'd personally LTB, OP.

Who does he think he is, going to visit his dad, and cleaning out the car at the weekend? The fucking wanker. Why can't he do these things during the week, while he's working?

@minniemoocher

These are just normal Saturday things! Not plans, just chores. Seeing his Dh I'm guessing is for care or is he in your bubble? Social visits aren't allowed

It's a social visit. Not care. He thinks it's fine now because his DF was vaccinate a week and a half ago.

I think you’re being a little bit unreasonable.

I do understand that you are frustrated at being the “default” parent who doesn’t need to check before they make plans. But...

He has his DC over every other weekend and devotes all that weekend to family time, with them AND with you & toddler. He’s not leaving any child or you out. This is a bit of a non-negotiable that 2 weekends out of 4 are used up on family activities already - if stepchildren weren’t in the picture the pattern would be different, family activities bring spread more over every weekend and chores being spread out too. It’s not malicious or you and toddler coming last, it’s just the way the rhythm of your blended family life is.

Having a Covid test and visiting his dad is one plan, not two, and a very reasonable one too if he’s not been able to go much. He did offer that you and DC could come, so he’s not excluding you there. You booked up some of his time with a chore too. If the car needs selling it needs cleaning sometime.

I think just be a bit more proactive in asking for what you need. Say to him “Please can you take toddler up the park for an hour on Saturday morning?” or “Shall we go to X with toddler on Sunday?”

My DH is shit at initiating family outing plans - it’s not because he doesn’t care, he just doesn’t care as much as me. So I do the suggesting.

When it's his childrens weekend, announce you have some plans of your own and leave him with all his children including yours. If he objects you just say " But it's my turn. You had your day last weekend"

If this is how you always do it and you’ve not suggested doing anything different, then how is he meant to know it’s not working for you?

It makes sense to concentrate family time into the 2 weekends a month when you are all there.

For the other 2 weekends, there has to be a middle ground. You sound like you want to spend a lot of family bonding time on top of each other, not everyone wants to do that every second of their free time. Plus he has actual things that need to be done.

However it would make sense for you to have a set chunk of time away from them both to do a hobby or to see someone yourself—2 birds one stone.

Also it sounds like you’re a SAHM to one? If so, can the life admin and the cleaning etc not all be done during normal working hours, so you can then spend some time together on weekday evenings?

But I think you would be massively unreasonable to demand he works all week, spends each weekday evening with you, and then all weekend on family time. I think a lot of people would rather live under a bridge then that! Too much forced socialisation

Solo plans are split evenly in this house and that includes solo tasks. Suggest you start doing the same before resentment sets in.

* sometimes I'm quite happy to stay up until 3-5am, doing bits around the house*

Does he then get up with the toddler?

If you stay up until 3-5
I imagine you don’t do much in the morning
Is he just filling his mornings with productive activities knowing you’re like a zombie until midday

@Chewingle

* sometimes I'm quite happy to stay up until 3-5am, doing bits around the house*

Does he then get up with the toddler?

No because he'll be getting up at 7am for work but the toddler sleeps like a dream and me and the toddler get up most days between 9 and 10 so that's fine.

I understand exactly how you feel OP. Thing is, if people haven’t been a stepmother, it’s very hard for them to understand just how difficult it is for you (and your toddler) to be clearly told that you matter less than the children from the previous relationship in this way week in, week out. At best (and I use the word loosely) you’ll be told that you knew about the kids beforehand and what did you expect - of course they must be the priority.

It is extremely hard not to become resentful of you and your toddler always being shunted to the back. Of hearing some variation of ‘well I’m here all the time’ as an excuse for ignoring the toddler and prioritising everything else. At the same time, everything centring around the DSC on contact weekends. Even if the toddler is included, it’s as part of ‘family time’ for them. But there’s never any for just the toddler.

I regularly look at my husband and think: ‘it’s dangerous to take what is always here for granted’. He is currently out playing superdad to his children from a previous relationship, having made sure to finish work early to accommodate that (and he’ll start late on Monday so he can play videogames with them in the morning). Yet always has to work late and start early on days they’re not here. Even if he isn’t starting work early, he needs to get up early to have a 90 minute bike ride or similar.

It’s really heartbreaking to see the 6 month old baby getting excited about the prospect of seeing his father for 2 minutes when he comes out of the shower (and then crying when he disappears again, without so much as having held the baby) or to see him decide to play videogames and ignore the baby (including complaining that the baby puts him off). And worse when DH is making sure that he’s got plenty of time to spend with the children who are here 40% of the time because ‘they’re not always here’. It won’t belong until the baby is old enough to realise that he’s always at the back of the queue for his father’s attention. Behind stuff that doesn’t even need to be done, like power washing a bike.

This weekend, DH is taking the favoured children out for a day out (the rest of us can’t come for various reasons, which are due to DH’s Disney-style parenting for the most part). He even made the baby cry by ignoring him and walking away so he could organise this day out. He could have done it later, while the baby was in bed. But the priorities are clear. Even if the DSC aren’t here, they are the first priority.

I’ve come to the point where I just think, ‘your choice. don’t complain when your youngest child doesn’t want to see you or his half siblings.’ I leave him to playing superdad and get on with my life.

@Chewingle

If you stay up until 3-5 I imagine you don’t do much in the morning Is he just filling his mornings with productive activities knowing you’re like a zombie until midday

Oh, that only happens about twice a month. Most nights I'll sleep from midnight until 9-10 ish. Then we get up at the same time on the weekend when the toddler wakes us.

Why is it an issue that you 'look after the toddler' while your husband is at work?
Is that not what parents do? Look after their own kids. You sound resentful that you have to look after this child you have created while your husband works FT???
Does your husband not look after the child while your at work?
What is the big deal??
The guy is running errands.... again you sound resentful! Are you jealous that he has to go have a Covid test/visit his father and clean his car without you or the toddler?
Sounds petty...... maybe he just wants time away from you and your petty attitude 🙄😂

He has his DC over every other weekend and devotes all that weekend to family time, with them AND with you & toddler.

He might want to watch out that the toddler doesn’t get old enough to realise that he only gets fun with his dad as a by product of the other kids being here.

Or, worse, that the youngest child is just a tool to entertain the others if that suits them. That’s what happens here a lot. I’ve actually had to say ‘he’s a person, not a toy’ to his father.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

If this is how you always do it and you’ve not suggested doing anything different, then how is he meant to know it’s not working for you?

It makes sense to concentrate family time into the 2 weekends a month when you are all there.

For the other 2 weekends, there has to be a middle ground. You sound like you want to spend a lot of family bonding time on top of each other, not everyone wants to do that every second of their free time. Plus he has actual things that need to be done.

However it would make sense for you to have a set chunk of time away from them both to do a hobby or to see someone yourself—2 birds one stone.

Also it sounds like you’re a SAHM to one? If so, can the life admin and the cleaning etc not all be done during normal working hours, so you can then spend some time together on weekday evenings?

But I think you would be massively unreasonable to demand he works all week, spends each weekday evening with you, and then all weekend on family time. I think a lot of people would rather live under a bridge then that! Too much forced socialisation

I work a few hours in the evening once he's home from work but yes, in the day I'm a SAHM. And admittedly I don't get that much cleaning done simply because I'm more of an evening person and that's when I feel motivated to do things. And also because in the day especially when the weather is nice I like to take my toddler for walks and into the garden. And no, I don't want constant family bonding. I like time to myself and don't like being smothered, but sometimes it would be nice to do some fun things every now and again, just the three of us. Not every weekend, just the occasional one that isn't taking up by chores, DIY or extended family obligations.

@TomorrowsPrincess

Why is it an issue that you 'look after the toddler' while your husband is at work? Is that not what parents do? Look after their own kids. You sound resentful that you have to look after this child you have created while your husband works FT??? Does your husband not look after the child while your at work? What is the big deal?? The guy is running errands.... again you sound resentful! Are you jealous that he has to go have a Covid test/visit his father and clean his car without you or the toddler? Sounds petty...... maybe he just wants time away from you and your petty attitude 🙄😂

Not sure where I've said I dont like and resent looking after the toddler whilst he's at work? I love being home with my toddler every day. Sometimes it can be challenging but the majority of the time I love it. Maybe, just maybe, I want to clean MY car and go for a covid test so I can visit my family.