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AIBU?

DH's Plans

313 replies

TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 15:57

DH has made various plans this weekend. Mostly for Saturday, these include having a Covid Test, visiting his DF and cleaning out his car for resale.

I'm kind of annoyed about it. Firstly, because he seems to always make plans for the weekends, solo plans, without talking to me first. He works FT all week and like most only has weekends off. Every other weekend we have his children to stay and he never makes solo plans for those weekends and expects us all to have family time but it feels like he isn't interested in having family time on the weekends we don't have them to stay, he'd rather do DIY or make solo plans.

So I spend all week looking after our toddler and then come the weekend, would like us to spend time together as a family. So, for example, this Saturday, it's just expected that I'll spend all day looking after our toddler whilst he goes off and does his things. It's really starting to annoy me. AIBU.

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EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 10:13

He's only taking the toddler this time because I got "shitty" and told him too. Otherwise he wouldn't have.

You're full of it OP. earlier you said he asked you both to go.

You're changing the story endlessly.

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EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 10:13

@Franpan

I know what you’re saying, OP. These people have internalised some very misogynistic ideas. I’ll leave it now but don’t put up with it.

You're funny.
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sunflowersandbuttercups · 27/02/2021 10:14

Where is my time without the toddler though? I'm with him from wake up until 5:30 when I go to work. Then I have the evening when he's asleep, just like DH has. And then I do the majority of looking after the toddler at the weekend too.

Then stop sleeping in until 10am every morning!

Get up at 7am or even 8am and you'd get 2-3 HOURS of childfree time to yourself every single day. You also have a childfree evening from 7pm EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I don't think you realise how bloody good you have it, tbh.

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TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 10:14

@EarringsandLipstick

She works in the evening

She works from 530 - 730 but didn't feel like it the other day so just didn't. She's not exactly over-worked.

I worked FT until March 2020. Toddler in nursery all day. Yet I was still the one planning the food shopping, the budget, doing the cleaning. Sure, DH did some household stuff but the majority fell to me. And just like now, he would make his weekend plans to go off doing DIY or tinkering and I'd just be expected to work around it.
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EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 10:16

Where is my time without the toddler though? I'm with him from wake up until 5:30 when I go to work. Then I have the evening when he's asleep, just like DH has. And then I do the majority of looking after the toddler at the weekend too.

Mornings before 9/10

You work 1.5 / 2 hours, like your DH does (he does full days tho) so he looks after DS then, like you do when he's at work.

And

All the flipping weekend! His 3 tasks this weekend will take a few hours. You've hours & hours to do whatever you want.

Also you've persistently said your issue is spending time together, the 3 of you. Loads of time for that too.

What is the matter with you?

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TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 10:16

@EarringsandLipstick

He's only taking the toddler this time because I got "shitty" and told him too. Otherwise he wouldn't have.

You're full of it OP. earlier you said he asked you both to go.

You're changing the story endlessly.

I'm not changing anything. He made plans said we could both come if we wanted too. After I kicked up a fuss. Then I said he could just take the toddler and I'll do my own thing. But anyway, I've already said to him we'll go to his DFs with him and help him with the car.
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lydia2021 · 27/02/2021 10:17

Are you a two car family. Surely taking stuff to tip first then cleaning car would be sensible. Also, why do you not make any plans. And tell him in advance.
I can understand him visiting father if hes in a support bubble with him.
How much time does he spend with all 3 kids. That would be my priority.

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NoSquirrels · 27/02/2021 10:17

So what are you going to do to change it?

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minmooch · 27/02/2021 10:17

Well the older kids are old enough to do chores - but saying that keeping the kitchen clean surely is an everyday thing. If you all kept on top of that it wouldn't need a massive weekly clean?

Get up earlier and you have plenty of you time.

Your husband is entitled to him time as well.

Plan your time better and there's loads of time to do things together.

I can't believe you get nothing done whilst your youngest child is awake?

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EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 10:18

For some reason, I'm over-invested in this thread.

OP you're some piece of work. It's clear to me that this thread is just an exercise in baiting people (and I've risen to it!) as not one point / suggested solution will you accept, and you've drip fed, and changed the story throughout.

I must go & do some weekend chores myself!

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luxxlisbon · 27/02/2021 10:20

Where is my time without the toddler though? I'm with him from wake up until 5:30 when I go to work. Then I have the evening when he's asleep, just like DH has. And then I do the majority of looking after the toddler at the weekend too.

OP you sleep an extra 15 hours a week compared to your husband. Take that as your child free time for a start.

You constantly flip what you are annoyed about. You were annoyed you didn't get enough family time, now it is also because you don't get enough alone time?

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EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 10:20

I can't believe you get nothing done whilst your youngest child is awake?

She only has one (very sleepy) DS. Other children are DSC, DH fully involved with them.

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scubadub · 27/02/2021 10:20

Jesus I'm starting to realize why some men don't understand women...it's like they can't fucking win sometimes.

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BusyLizzie61 · 27/02/2021 10:20

@TheEasterBunnies

Yes, I realise these things aren't exactly him going out on a jolly or pursuing hobbies or whatever but it's the fact that he doesn't talk to me about weekend plans first and just assumes he can do what he likes whilst I look after the toddler. And when does my DS get to spend any time with just his Dad if Dad is at work all week, and then doing chores at the weekend.

You're the one assuming the child is staying with you. Strap him into his car if that bothered. Job done!

It's been a lockdown and the examples you give of his solo plans hardly sound like he's living the highlife and more like he's trying not to leave you with the sc on those weekends if these things need doing.

If you want to make more of the nonsc weekends then why don't you have a diary or family calendar and plan activities. You also need to be proactive as well.
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NoSquirrels · 27/02/2021 10:22

Is it infuriating to be the “default” parent? - yes, YANBU.

Is it annoying if someone else makes plans and doesn’t consult you? - yes, YANBU.

Is it a reflection on his love for you and your toddler vs his love for his other DC that he has arranged to clean his car and see his dad this weekend? No - YABU.

Is it fair to dwell on the perceived injustice if you take no practical action to resolve the conflict? You decide...

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TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 10:22

@EarringsandLipstick

I can't believe you get nothing done whilst your youngest child is awake?

She only has one (very sleepy) DS. Other children are DSC, DH fully involved with them.

You're way too invested in this.
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Anna12345678910 · 27/02/2021 10:23

@EarringsandLipstick

For some reason, I'm over-invested in this thread.

OP you're some piece of work. It's clear to me that this thread is just an exercise in baiting people (and I've risen to it!) as not one point / suggested solution will you accept, and you've drip fed, and changed the story throughout.

I must go & do some weekend chores myself!

I thought this a while back. The flipping back and forwards suggests this....
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TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 10:24

I haven't changed my story though?

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TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 10:32

@NoSquirrels

Is it infuriating to be the “default” parent? - yes, YANBU.

Is it annoying if someone else makes plans and doesn’t consult you? - yes, YANBU.

Is it a reflection on his love for you and your toddler vs his love for his other DC that he has arranged to clean his car and see his dad this weekend? No - YABU.

Is it fair to dwell on the perceived injustice if you take no practical action to resolve the conflict? You decide...

Well, that's the plan, create a resolution
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MiddlesexGirl · 27/02/2021 10:35

I get where you're coming from OP.
Overall you have a pretty good domestic arrangement but you have a couple of little niggles -

  1. not enough the 3 of you time
  2. DH immersing himself in chores to the exclusion of your DS.

    You've broached both those things now and I guess you will have to wait to see how they pan out.
    You have a smaller issue re. me time. On this I think that considering you have a toddler you aren't doing too badly. I'd suggest maybe once a month or so you don't go to his family and he takes your DS with him.
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TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 10:48

@MiddlesexGirl

I get where you're coming from OP.
Overall you have a pretty good domestic arrangement but you have a couple of little niggles -
1) not enough the 3 of you time
2) DH immersing himself in chores to the exclusion of your DS.

You've broached both those things now and I guess you will have to wait to see how they pan out.
You have a smaller issue re. me time. On this I think that considering you have a toddler you aren't doing too badly. I'd suggest maybe once a month or so you don't go to his family and he takes your DS with him.

Yes, exactly! Thank you. That sounds like a good plan.
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FoxgloveBee · 27/02/2021 10:51

I've read the full thread and was just thinking of some ways to help you.

You don't go to sleep until late probably because you sleep in until 9/10 every day and your body clock has set to that. Set your alarm for 7am or get up with your DH. No screen time from 8pm, do a jigsaw or read a book. After a few days you'll be sleeping from 10pm and waking up naturally early.

You will have a couple of hours to yourself and you need to get used to this because when your child starts school, the lie ins will be a thing of the past!

Good luck. From an outsider perspective it sounds like you have a lovely husband. Mine works all weekend normally or at least on one day so we get used to it just being the two of us (DD5 and I) and we love it. We also love having time the three of us but DD thrives on one on one time.

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thefishthatcouldwish · 27/02/2021 11:10

Sorry dim question but why is DH going for a Covid test then visiting someone?

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TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 11:12

@thefishthatcouldwish

Sorry dim question but why is DH going for a Covid test then visiting someone?

He's going for a test to make sure he hasn't got covid so he can then visit his Dad. Test has come back negative.
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ThePluckOfTheCoward · 27/02/2021 12:29

@TomorrowsPrincess

I get it now!!!
If I was your husband i wouldn't want to do anything with you either! He's making 'solo plans' so he doesn't have to spend any time with your moaning arse! He does his fair share and you still moan and nit pick!
He sounds pretty decent to me...... I'd treasure him if I was you.... before he goes and finds someone who will!
Do you actually show him any appreciation for all the hard work he seems to do?
Now get off MN and go pay your lovely husband some proper attention! 😕🤷🏼‍♀️😂

Why don't YOU get off Mumsnet and get back to Stepford.
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