DH's Plans

[TheEasterBunnies]

DH has made various plans this weekend. Mostly for Saturday, these include having a Covid Test, visiting his DF and cleaning out his car for resale.

I'm kind of annoyed about it. Firstly, because he seems to always make plans for the weekends, solo plans, without talking to me first. He works FT all week and like most only has weekends off. Every other weekend we have his children to stay and he never makes solo plans for those weekends and expects us all to have family time but it feels like he isn't interested in having family time on the weekends we don't have them to stay, he'd rather do DIY or make solo plans.

So I spend all week looking after our toddler and then come the weekend, would like us to spend time together as a family. So, for example, this Saturday, it's just expected that I'll spend all day looking after our toddler whilst he goes off and does his things. It's really starting to annoy me. AIBU.

[Chewingle]

@TheEasterBunnies

Maybe my OP should have been "AIBU to think I'm a lazy cow and DH is a saint for putting up with me?! I go to bed at midnight and wake up between 9 and 10 every day whilst DH is out early for a long day at work. Whilst he's working I don't do housework, I lounge in the garden sun bathing and eating ice creams and going for walks with my toddler. I stay up until 5am some nights. I also have to do a big weekly cleaning of the kitchen because I let the mess build up the rest of the week. Then on the weekends I make DH do chores and DIY and then moan because he isn't spending time with us. AIBU"

Essentially that IS the situation OP!

Glad we’ve helped you come to that realisation

[rwalker]

Your being complete unreasonble He's at work all week to support your family not sat tossing it off and you resent him going to see his dad .

And those who suggest he take toddler to see granddad the toddler would need covid test too.

[Royalbloo]

I'd far rather play with a child than go for a Covid test, visit a relative OR clean out my car!!!

[Belinda554]

I get it OP, you’re lonely and feel unloved. Relationships are about investment, you don’t feel he’s investing in relationships/family happiness. You want him to prioritise you and your happiness. It’s hard work looking after toddlers and should be shared at the weekend.

I’ve been there, now divorced.

[Royalbloo]

Why don't you volunteer to clean the car out if you want to do that?

[sunflowersandbuttercups]

@TheEasterBunnies

Why do people keep mentioning the 5am thing? I've already said that only happens about twice a month and I don't exactly relish it. I can't help it if I can't get to sleep sometimes.

Because it seems a bit odd that you've chosen a sleep pattern that stops you spending weekend mornings with your husband, and then you complain that you don't spend enough time together.

[TheEasterBunnies]

We get up at the same time at the weekend.

[TheEasterBunnies]

@Royalbloo

Why don't you volunteer to clean the car out if you want to do that?

No chance, his car is a complete shit tip.

[Snowymcsnowsony]

Is he one of those df's who thinks it's unfair to do nice things when his dc aren't around?

[tinierclanger]

I think people need to stop giving the OP a bollocking now as she’s already pointed out a previous post was helpful.

I get it, I recall getting angry with DH for making plans to paint our living room one weekend after some rewiring. What a bastard . I made him take the baby to his mums so I could do it instead. Anyway after that we started discussing when and how the boring jobs would get done every weekend, and when we would each get to do nice stuff/family stuff, instead of making inside-head plans.

You just need to talk about it a bit in advance. And things like cleaning a car out should ALWAYS include a toddler, because they like that kind of thing.

[tinierclanger]

And yeah deffo crack on with the wild swimming with a group or something!

[Chewingle]

@TheEasterBunnies

We get up at the same time at the weekend.

So when does he get a lie in?!
He leaves at 7am during the week
Meanwhile you sleep in until 9/10am!

[Lucyccfc68]

Def not being unreasonable.

He just assumes that you will look after the toddler every weekend so he can ‘choose’ to do what he wants. Regardless of what it is - chores or fun stuff.

My ex-H used to do this. It all stopped when I got up one Saturday and just left the house, leaving DH with our toddler. He kept phoning me to say I had to come home, as he had plans. I just told him ‘tough, I have plans today and I have looked after DS every weekend for the last 18 months, so you could do your ‘plans’ and now it’s my turn’.

No point talking, they just don’t get it. Direct action on a regular basis.

[Livelovebehappy]

Probably he would spread the chores out if he didn’t have DCs every other weekend. Guess it means he has just the two weekends a month to squeeze things in that need doing. Of course he won’t want to do chores on the weekends he has his DCs. He sees them 4 days out of 30 each month fgs.

[rainyskylight]

Maybe when he’s telling you the stuff he needs to get done that is the moment that he’s running it past you.

“Do you have any plans this weekend DH?”

“Ah yes, I really need to see my poor DF now he’s been vaccinated but I’ll have to get a Covid test first just to be safe. Also thought I should really tackle the car so we can sell it. apart from that, pretty free!

“Fair enough, good to get those things done. Do you know how long they might take as it would be really nice to do some stuff together on Saturday afternoon. Was thinking we could do X. Also I want to do X on Sunday morning, maybe you could take a DC to park. Make sure you give your DF my best. It’s so good you’re finally able to see him.”

“Yea sure. Sounds good.”

YABU.

[TheEasterBunnies]

No, he gets up at 7am in the week. On the weekend we both sleep until about 9ish though sometimes if he's feeling particularly tired he'll ask me to get up with toddler and he'll have an extra hour or so.

[Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]

I’m going to be brutal here. Sounds like he’s pretty close to a saint

[Dishwashersaurous]

This is such an odd scenario. If the toddler really doesn’t wake up until ten then if you just got up at a normal time you would have three hours a day to do your jobs and have you time.

And if you have something that you want/need to do at the weekend- chores or hobby- book it in and tell him.

Most people spend most weekends doing chores. That’s what Saturday is going to be and then you can do something on Sunday

[sunflowersandbuttercups]

This is such an odd scenario. If the toddler really doesn’t wake up until ten then if you just got up at a normal time you would have three hours a day to do your jobs and have you time.

Good point.

[Dishwashersaurous]

And of course he won’t do chores when his children are around he seems then 4/30. Sees his other child 30/30.

Completely sensible approach. But that is no reason why you can’t have free time when his children are there. In fact seems most sensible

[luxxlisbon]

I just can't believe you are complaining that you have no time for yourself or to clean your own car when you get about 15 hours more sleep a week than DH!

[PoppenhuisStories]

I would be making plans on the weekends he is always home with his DC and leave your toddler with them too. Absolutely no way would I be spending every other weekend engaging in family time.

[Lovemusic33]

I don’t think either of you are right or wrong, it sounds like he leads a busy life with work and juggling kids/family, I can see why he might want some down time or why he makes plans without thinking about what you want to do.

I haven’t been in a relationship for a long time and I don’t miss all the juggling time to keep everyone happy, I like my own space and if I ever do end up in a relationship I will probably want time to myself (every other weekend seems acceptable). I think you should make plans to do things without him? Not as though there’s much you can plan at the moment but don’t hang on to the hope that he’s going to spend the weekend doing things with you.

[Chewingle]

@TheEasterBunnies

No, he gets up at 7am in the week. On the weekend we both sleep until about 9ish though sometimes if he's feeling particularly tired he'll ask me to get up with toddler and he'll have an extra hour or so.

Too right considering he’s been up at 7 all week and you’ve been in until 9/10

Op - you have it pretty bloody good.
Your Dh works full time and has 5 kids and a stay at home wife and an elderly father.
He wanted to clean his car (presumably spends much more time in it than you?, get a covid test and see his dad on his Saturday off. He said you could come.
Should he have run his plans by you? Yes. He’s been rude. But seriously OP - I really am with him on this! He’s a busy bloody man!

[Royalbloo]

If you don't want to do it then leave him to it, no?!!