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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's Plans

313 replies

TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 15:57

DH has made various plans this weekend. Mostly for Saturday, these include having a Covid Test, visiting his DF and cleaning out his car for resale.

I'm kind of annoyed about it. Firstly, because he seems to always make plans for the weekends, solo plans, without talking to me first. He works FT all week and like most only has weekends off. Every other weekend we have his children to stay and he never makes solo plans for those weekends and expects us all to have family time but it feels like he isn't interested in having family time on the weekends we don't have them to stay, he'd rather do DIY or make solo plans.

So I spend all week looking after our toddler and then come the weekend, would like us to spend time together as a family. So, for example, this Saturday, it's just expected that I'll spend all day looking after our toddler whilst he goes off and does his things. It's really starting to annoy me. AIBU.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 26/02/2021 16:39

@TheEasterBunnies

Yes, I realise these things aren't exactly him going out on a jolly or pursuing hobbies or whatever but it's the fact that he doesn't talk to me about weekend plans first and just assumes he can do what he likes whilst I look after the toddler. And when does my DS get to spend any time with just his Dad if Dad is at work all week, and then doing chores at the weekend.
But none of these things will take the day? Why does it mean you are 'looking after the toddler'?

Eg cleaning the car, toddler & you can be around doing something else.

How long will the Covid test take or visiting his dad? There's loads of time to plan family time or for you to head out alone.

I am a bit invested in this as I'm a single mother of 3, who virtually never gets time alone, and if I do, it's used for household tasks or my own work.

I think it's an utter non-issue, as described.

emilyfrost · 26/02/2021 16:39

I said I booked the slot because if I didn't it would be another six months before he sorted it himself.

You can’t complain at him that he doesn’t sort stuff himself while at the same time moaning at him for sorting things out every other weekend Confused

Pick a lane; either he sorts stuff out or he doesn’t.

clipcloptrop · 26/02/2021 16:40

@TheEasterBunnies you open your mouth and say" what time is your test? What time are you visiting your df? Shall we go for a walk at X time? And oh I'll give you a hand with the car shall I? Then we'll get it done faster and we can do x, y or z together! WHY does he need to run his every move by you?? Are you his mother?? Ffs??

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 26/02/2021 16:42

He said I could visit DF with him, I said I'm no comfortable doing that because DF only had the vaccine a week and a half ago

Don't get side-tracked. Tell him this isn't about "you visiting DF with him", it is about both of you making plans as a family for the weekends when his children aren't there.

In fact, do you make plans together for the weekends when his children are there? Or does he make the plans for everyone and expect you and your toddler to join in?

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 16:45

I actually don't get any time alone either and when I do I'm also doing household stuff whether cleaning, admin, DIY, etc. I was up until midnight last night trying to make a dent in the messy kitchen.

OP posts:
clipcloptrop · 26/02/2021 16:50

@TheEasterBunnies with all due respect that's just life sometimes...especially with a toddler. I'm sat here folding laundry..and on Mumsnet obvs but I'm content and calling it alone time as the dc are outside. Would I have had this "quiet time" when they were toddlers...no, no I wouldn't

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 16:50

So, he works Mon to Fri. I look after the toddler. He gets home after work and then I go to work for two hours. Every other weekend we have his children and prior to lockdown we would also go to his DFs on the Sunday, every other Sunday without fail. And the Saturday would be family time with his kids. The weekend without the kids is mostly dedicated to the boring stuff, housework, DIY, etc. But he tends to do his own thing here and expect me to work around whatever he is doing. He never suggests doing anything fun or having family time on these weekends. He just wants to go off and do hid own stuff, fix cars, tinker in the garage, do some DIY.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 16:52

It actually makes me feel like we aren't worth spending time with unless his other DC are here too.

OP posts:
HouseyHouse21 · 26/02/2021 16:56

It sounds like he's not used to you making plans, so he assumes that he has the flexibility to do whatever he decides should take priority.
He's also communicating his plans with you well in advance, not just gallivanting off. So he's industrious and he's organised. Both big plus points in my book.

But what happens when you try to take the front foot and make suggestions for how you'd like to spend the time instead? Do you ever do that? And if so, how does he respond - does he ignore your ideas and do his own thing anyway?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 26/02/2021 16:59

It actually makes me feel like we aren't worth spending time with unless his other DC are here too.

Tell him that. And you don't have to be quite so willing to work round whatever he is doing. For example when the other children visit he could spend some time with all the children while you do something else. Your weekends don't have to be as rigid as he makes them.

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 17:01

I don't think he's organised. He leaves everything until the last minute and it's frustrating.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 17:02

And actually on reflection I think sometimes I can be a bit controlling though I do try not to be

OP posts:
TheyIsMyFamily · 26/02/2021 17:02

I'd tell him he can do his planned list but he's taking the toddler with him.

clipcloptrop · 26/02/2021 17:02

Do you have any hobbies OP? If not get one! Go for a walk/run in the evening, and then tell him every so often you're going to hold back on DF's as you have x, y and z to do. Yes he probably does save major family time/outings for when the other DC are there but that's because I'm guessing that he considers them his family...and rightly so. He doesn't have two families OP...in his eyes I'm guessing he has one! And he alternates his weekends like that for a reason. I really don't see the issue, I'm sorry. Some weekends we go and do stuff and some we don't. I do think however, you do need YOU time, so you need to speak up another that front!

RandomMess · 26/02/2021 17:05

Sounds like you need to book in some family activities and some child free time for you on these weekends.

Calendar in the kitchen he can't plan anything until he checks the calendar - or you could have an on line one.

The big issue is that you are default childcare on the weekends, it is just assumed by him.

clipcloptrop · 26/02/2021 17:05

And yes OP you sound somewhat controlling but more needy if I'm being honest. But imo that's normal for the mother of a toddler to feel that way. I know I did. But then I just built in me time. Get a planner on the wall of the kitchen and get your dh on board to write all plans down. And you pencil in YOU time too. But also I'm odd...I consider work "me time" I love my job.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/02/2021 17:07

@TheEasterBunnies

It actually makes me feel like we aren't worth spending time with unless his other DC are here too.
And this is the whole crux of the matter. You and the toddler aren't as important as his other children. It's almost as if you're just there to run the household, freeing him up to do as he wishes.

Fuck that shit.

Devlesko · 26/02/2021 17:08

You need to have the weekend off when his ds comes over and he can have both kids.
Take yourself off for some me time.
I wouldn't put up with this once, put your foot down, he's a cf.

luxxlisbon · 26/02/2021 17:08

You are viewing this through the lense of you and your child not being as important as his 'other family' but your husband is probably just thinking since everyone is together 1 out of 2 weekends it makes sense to condense all his jobs that he can't do in the week into the other weekends so that everyone can enjoy the weekend together. You and toddler included.
Honestly it sounds like you might just be frustrated and worn out and want a reason for it but realistically your DH doing chores on a Saturday isn't the reason you have no free time. He isn't leaving you at home while he goes out and has fun, he is also getting stuff done that he can't do in the week.

If you want to do some fun things then just work around the plans you know he has, or arrange more in advance and then he can work around you. But if there are no plans it doesn't seem outrageous for DH to have to fill his Saturday by cleaning his car or tidying the garage and I think you are being a little OTT by expecting him to run this past you as though he is off galavanting with mates and leaving you to pick up the pieces.

Dishwashersaurous · 26/02/2021 17:09

So basically you feel that he prioritises family one over family two. And that is the core issue. What was it like when you were a couple before you had the child?

Dishwashersaurous · 26/02/2021 17:11

You need separate out this issue from you having no free time.

What do you want?

Free time
family time as a three
Couple time
Jobs done

In two days they can all be done but it’s a challenge

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 17:13

I do have a few hobbies. I like reading, spending time in the garden, wild swimming, paddleboarding, sea swimming. Weather isn't the best for the majority of my hobbies at the moment!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 17:14

But yes sometimes I do feel that family one takes priority over family two.

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clipcloptrop · 26/02/2021 17:16

@TheEasterBunnies I go sea swimming every weekend. It's a lovely time for it...and I can GUARANTEE your mood will be better if you go! Do you know any other ladies locally who like to sea swim. Could you start a Sunday or Saturday morning swim meet, chats and a flask of tea after too! That's what we do!!

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 17:16

@luxxlisbon

You are viewing this through the lense of you and your child not being as important as his 'other family' but your husband is probably just thinking since everyone is together 1 out of 2 weekends it makes sense to condense all his jobs that he can't do in the week into the other weekends so that everyone can enjoy the weekend together. You and toddler included. Honestly it sounds like you might just be frustrated and worn out and want a reason for it but realistically your DH doing chores on a Saturday isn't the reason you have no free time. He isn't leaving you at home while he goes out and has fun, he is also getting stuff done that he can't do in the week.

If you want to do some fun things then just work around the plans you know he has, or arrange more in advance and then he can work around you. But if there are no plans it doesn't seem outrageous for DH to have to fill his Saturday by cleaning his car or tidying the garage and I think you are being a little OTT by expecting him to run this past you as though he is off galavanting with mates and leaving you to pick up the pieces.

This is really helpful actually. If we did have a calendar and I wrote, for example, on a Saturday, "TheEastBunnies going paddleboarding with friend," he would be fine with that, wouldn't make plans and would happily look after the toddler.
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