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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's Plans

313 replies

TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 15:57

DH has made various plans this weekend. Mostly for Saturday, these include having a Covid Test, visiting his DF and cleaning out his car for resale.

I'm kind of annoyed about it. Firstly, because he seems to always make plans for the weekends, solo plans, without talking to me first. He works FT all week and like most only has weekends off. Every other weekend we have his children to stay and he never makes solo plans for those weekends and expects us all to have family time but it feels like he isn't interested in having family time on the weekends we don't have them to stay, he'd rather do DIY or make solo plans.

So I spend all week looking after our toddler and then come the weekend, would like us to spend time together as a family. So, for example, this Saturday, it's just expected that I'll spend all day looking after our toddler whilst he goes off and does his things. It's really starting to annoy me. AIBU.

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 26/02/2021 19:30

Sorry I cannot see any issue here

StopAtTheRedLight · 26/02/2021 19:32

When his kids are next over, leave toddler with them all and have a solo weekend to yourself !!

imalmostthere · 26/02/2021 19:35

I'm also on the side that he sounds like he's close to a saint op. I really don't see the issue.

MyCatHatesOtherCats · 26/02/2021 19:37

I can! It’s not that he’s doing chores which need to be done, it’s the lack of consultation and the fact that he will only do them on the weekends his non-resident children aren’t visiting.

So OP feels a) that he isn’t bothered about family time with her and the toddler so maybe doesn’t see them as his “real family, and b) that she would like consulting as it is automatically assumed she is available.

In my house it would be “is there anything in particular you want to do this weekend? I need to do a, b and c - can I knock all that off on Saturday to get it out of the way or is that going to cause you a problem?”. At this point I either say no problem or point out that actually I’ve booked for us to visit our local NT place for exercise on Sat AM so maybe needs to be afternoon or Sunday, or mention that I want to do y and we work out how we can fit it all in.

It has taken a degree of training before we got to this point though.Grin But I can see where OP is coming from.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 26/02/2021 19:38

I can! It’s not that he’s doing chores which need to be done, it’s the lack of consultation and the fact that he will only do them on the weekends his non-resident children aren’t visiting.

But if he went off and did chores on the other weekends, he'd be accused of dumping his DC on the OP and fucking off.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/02/2021 19:40

Sorry OP, I'm also in the camp that doesn't see an issue.

Strictly1 · 26/02/2021 19:40

@2bazookas

When it's his childrens weekend, announce you have some plans of your own and leave him with all his children including yours. If he objects you just say " But it's my turn. You had your day last weekend"
What's the OP going to do? The food shopping? He's hardly doing anything that's fun. He's doing chores.
Chewingle · 26/02/2021 19:40

I’m actually wondering if this is a reverse!

1forAll74 · 26/02/2021 19:44

You seem to be complaining about silly things really.Having a toddler to look after is nice, and should not be classed as an issue for you. Your Husband is doing what hundreds of people do at the weekend, as in catching up with jobs etc. At least he isn't sitting around with cans of beer, and gaming all the time, like lots of numpties you read about.

Sceptre86 · 26/02/2021 19:45

Yabu. You said your toddler is pretty independent and sleeps well. You choose to get up between 9 and 10 am and are a sahm so can arrange your day however you choose to. Yes you enjoy taking your toddler to the park and doing fun activities but they don't take all day and being that slovenly that you need to deep clean your kitchen once a week leaves a lot to be desired.

I totally understand wanting some kid free time and would send your toddler along with your oh to see his grandad. You can use that time for whatever you want. It would also annoy me that your oh can't share his plans for the weekend earlier but you need to start getting in there first. We have a big calendar in the kitchen so we can all see what is going on over the weekend. My dh works full time, he is often too tired to do things like clean his car after work or go to the dump so those kind of chores would get done on the weekend. It is unreasonable to expect your oh to do these kinds of tasks when his other children come over especially if he only sees them on alternate weekends. I would go against the grain and say whilst there is no harm from you occasionally making your own plans when his older kids come over but if it becomes a regular thing will send out the message that you don't want to spend time with them and surely that isn't great if you are a blended family?

morninglive · 26/02/2021 19:47

Probably why you're his second wife. The first (like me) wouldn't put up with it! Once a selfish bastard always a selfish bastard.

BeeDavis · 26/02/2021 19:49

@clipcloptrop

Confused this all sound ridiculous OP. I'm sorry but they are not "plans" they are just jobs that need to be done. Covid test- hardly a bloody spa visit is it? Visiting his df- AND?? unless he sees his df every day I don't see the issue Cleaning the car for resale?- really?? Your pissed because he's cleaning the car do he can get the best price?Seriously OP? Why don't you clean it with him? Or by yourself whilst he is visiting DF?

Good god...absolutely ridiculously petty!

I could not agree more.
sunflowersandbuttercups · 26/02/2021 19:53

@morninglive

Probably why you're his second wife. The first (like me) wouldn't put up with it! Once a selfish bastard always a selfish bastard.
How is he selfish?

He's up at 7am, works full-time, has his DC every other weekend and does chores on the other weekends.

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 19:54

So this evening, DH stopped at the shop on his way home to get me a drink, came home, bathed the toddler, read him a story and put him to bed and then he kept me company while I had a bath, fetched a towel for me and wrapped me in it. And he's said, he'll take the toddler with him tomorrow every where, apart from to the covid test centre.

OP posts:
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 26/02/2021 19:55

@morninglive

Probably why you're his second wife. The first (like me) wouldn't put up with it! Once a selfish bastard always a selfish bastard.
Jesus Christ, what do you want the poor man to do?! How dare he work hard, parent actively, support his wife to have a considerably easier life and then sort out all their admin tasks during his time off. Yeah he should...err... well he’s just wrong! 🤷‍♀️
3orangekissesfromkazan · 26/02/2021 20:00
Hmm
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/02/2021 20:09
Confused
Dishwashersaurous · 26/02/2021 20:12

Also, as an aside it is unusual for a toddler to sleep for 15 hours plus a night ( as he must be asleep by seven for you to then have a bath and post about it)

Anna12345678910 · 26/02/2021 20:14

@TheEasterBunnies

I thnk you are being unreasonable. He is having the test so that he can visit his father which he cannot do during the week because he is working and cannot do when children visit since only one visitor allowed.
He will do a job that again cannot be done during the week of cleaning car ready to sell and get a decent price. Perhaps you clean the car in the week then so he doesn't do it and can spend time with you - or you clean the car together? It's just a job to be done, just like any other chore.

Sounds like you are nit picking thing he needs to do - why is that? Boredom?

imalmostthere · 26/02/2021 20:15

@TheEasterBunnies

So this evening, DH stopped at the shop on his way home to get me a drink, came home, bathed the toddler, read him a story and put him to bed and then he kept me company while I had a bath, fetched a towel for me and wrapped me in it. And he's said, he'll take the toddler with him tomorrow every where, apart from to the covid test centre.
Do you now regret this thread 😬
Anna12345678910 · 26/02/2021 20:16

@morninglive

Probably why you're his second wife. The first (like me) wouldn't put up with it! Once a selfish bastard always a selfish bastard.
Seriously - did you actually read the thread?

He is having a covid test so that he can visit his father! Not playing a sport or on the razz with friends.

He is then cleaning the car so it can be sold.

Surely you must be single!

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 20:17

@Dishwashersaurous

Also, as an aside it is unusual for a toddler to sleep for 15 hours plus a night ( as he must be asleep by seven for you to then have a bath and post about it)
Yes, he's in bed by 7:30 at the latest. I mean, some mornings he will get up at 8:30 but most of the time it's between 9 and 10.
OP posts:
Pyewackect · 26/02/2021 20:19

@Royalbloo

Sorry I cannot see any issue here
Me neither.
Anna12345678910 · 26/02/2021 20:19

@TheEasterBunnies

So this evening, DH stopped at the shop on his way home to get me a drink, came home, bathed the toddler, read him a story and put him to bed and then he kept me company while I had a bath, fetched a towel for me and wrapped me in it. And he's said, he'll take the toddler with him tomorrow every where, apart from to the covid test centre.
So this is a reverse then.

He sounds lovely.

mam0918 · 26/02/2021 20:24

@TheEasterBunnies

Yes, I realise these things aren't exactly him going out on a jolly or pursuing hobbies or whatever but it's the fact that he doesn't talk to me about weekend plans first and just assumes he can do what he likes whilst I look after the toddler. And when does my DS get to spend any time with just his Dad if Dad is at work all week, and then doing chores at the weekend.
You could do the chores so he has time with his dad.