DH's Plans

[TheEasterBunnies]

DH has made various plans this weekend. Mostly for Saturday, these include having a Covid Test, visiting his DF and cleaning out his car for resale.

I'm kind of annoyed about it. Firstly, because he seems to always make plans for the weekends, solo plans, without talking to me first. He works FT all week and like most only has weekends off. Every other weekend we have his children to stay and he never makes solo plans for those weekends and expects us all to have family time but it feels like he isn't interested in having family time on the weekends we don't have them to stay, he'd rather do DIY or make solo plans.

So I spend all week looking after our toddler and then come the weekend, would like us to spend time together as a family. So, for example, this Saturday, it's just expected that I'll spend all day looking after our toddler whilst he goes off and does his things. It's really starting to annoy me. AIBU.

He’s not exactly going out to a lap dancing club - his plans are mostly chores. I’d actually arrange for him - and myself - to have some fun things planned on our own or as a family. You sound a bit moany (sorry, I’m genuinely not meaning to be rude), try and see it from both sides and take action to sort something out and hopefully things will improve. They’ll never improve with your current approach.

FishyFriday your DP sounds like an arse where the OP’s DH does not.

I would say that actually all 2nd, 3rd, 4th a d subsequent children don’t get solo time with their parents so I don’t know it’s terrifically unreasonable to say that your DC’s father does live with them FT and therefore gets more attention (if he’s a decent man & father) than the DC who do not live there FT. And if you do choose to have children with a man who’s already had children it is logistically and emotionally different to being a first time parent to one DC.

Like I say - your bloke sounds shit, and I’m sorry. But that doesn’t mean all fathers are automatically shit and ‘prioritising the first family’. It’s hard when you’re the mother of only a younger one to see that parenting older ones is different and requires different skills too. We’re all guilty of that as first time parents, I think.

It seems to me that the issue here is the discrepancy between the way he views the weekends when he has his kids and those when he doesn't, i.e. that it might look to the OP like he only values family time when his kids are there. In an ideal world both OP and husband would have time with (all) the kids and time as a couple and solo time, in balance. But that's really hard to achieve. I don't have the answer I'm afraid but hope you manage to talk it through with him.

When is he allowed to do tasks then? He’s at work all day, limited freer work by presumably the toddler bedtime so that leaves weekends.

Maybe you should work more than the two hours so he can cut his hours to have time in the week to do things like you do.

I’d be very if DH complained that he had to look after his own child whilst I did jobs. Neither would I be told what I could or couldn’t do at the weekend.

Can’t he take the toddler with him to visit DF?

* Maybe, just maybe, I want to clean MY car and go for a covid test so I can visit my family.*

Op I don’t mean to be argumentative but come on!! You have a toddler. If you want to clean your car, bung him in the car seat, strap him in, and hand him the iPad!

If you want to book a Covid test, why don’t you don’t you book for weekend his kids are there. You say they love playing with the toddler and they are certainly old enough.

Where there’s a will there’s a way!

Sorry OP but YABU....these are chores/errands, he's hardly getting his jolly on! If he works full time during the week, when do you expect him to do his errands? I know I have to do all mine on the weekend. I try to limit them to Saturday so at least I have Sunday free.

'My husband is a SAHD. I work all week to support the family. Much of my weekend is consumed by ordinary life events like visiting my parents and cleaning out the car

On the weekend, my husband complains that I don't clear it with him before doing these things. He says that I should be taking the kids off his hands and/or spending the time we have together on 'family fun'

This would be deemed abusive behaviour by the SAHD and she would be advised that he brings nothing to the family, and that she should LTB. Yet, somehow...

Oh come on! It’s not like he’s spending all weekend down the pub, he’s doing jobs. Maybe it’s time to put the toddler into nursery and also get a job then you could make plans to do necessary jobs too in the only available time you have and have the rest of the family bitch about it!

When would you ideally like him to do the humdrum chores?

@GrettaGreen

When would you ideally like him to do the humdrum chores?

Presumably he could get up for 90 mins or so in the early hours of the morning, during his working week, do some chores, and then return to bed? If he does that Monday to Thursday, that six whole hours of precious family time recovered.

A decent father will do this to take the pressure off the SAHM.

Quick question - why do you have go to his DF every Sunday? Before COVID-19 of course! It’s a bit much isn’t it?

Well clean your car, have a covid test and visit your family in the week then when your DH is out at work. Being a SAHM is easier than work apart from the boredom. If your toddler can’t cope without your attention 100% of the time you really aren’t doing the child any favours.

You don’t get out of bed until 9-10 am. And your kitchen is such a tip that you clean it once a week and it takes until midnight. But he’s 100% the problem because he wants to clean out the car and visit his dad?
What a bastard.

@Multicover

You don’t get out of bed until 9-10 am. And your kitchen is such a tip that you clean it once a week and it takes until midnight. But he’s 100% the problem because he wants to clean out the car and visit his dad? What a bastard.

🤣🤣 Okay, yeah, that's a fair point!

@Ihatefish

Well clean your car, have a covid test and visit your family in the week then when your DH is out at work. Being a SAHM is easier than work apart from the boredom. If your toddler can’t cope without your attention 100% of the time you really aren’t doing the child any favours.

My toddler is quite independent actually. And I agree, being a SAHM is easier than work. I prefer it to work. I love it actually.

I don't actually want a covid test, btw. I threw him last time I had one. And I'd just eaten a chocolate bar. It was gross.

Maybe, just maybe, I want to clean MY car and go for a covid test so I can visit my family.

But you CAN. You’re basically a SAHM, you’re the one here with all the time.

Why doesn't he take the toddler with him? Just tell him your plans. Honestly he hasn't really made plans - he's doing jobs and I think YABU to complain. None of those things are living the high life are they.

@TheEasterBunnies
The way you post makes you sound like you resent having to look after your child.

Stating you look after the toddler while your DH works?!.....well duuuhhh that's what parents do. Your making a point out of nothing.
If my fella was to have a Covid test, visit his dad and clean his car on a weekend.... I'd leave him to it.... if I wanted to spend time with him, I'd get involved with the car cleaning.... I'd go with him to visit his dad (you seem to make excuses for this even tho it's ok for you DH to do it)
I certainly wouldn't post on MN about my partner doing chores 🙄🙄🙄

Maybe, just maybe, I want to clean MY car and go for a covid test so I can visit my family.

Okay...so, do those things then? He's not stopping you.

Maybe you'd feel more productive and like you had more time together if you didn't stay up until 5am?

@TheEasterBunnies
"Maybe, just maybe, I want to clean MY car and go for a covid test so I can visit my family."
But you have said he would have no problem being at home with the toddler while you went out and did something. So you are being resentful at him not letting you do a solo chore that you don't actually have to do?
If you want to go for a walk, or clean your car then tell DH you will be doing that and if he kicks up a fuss then you have a problem but right now you are creating a problem where there is none.

Maybe my OP should have been "AIBU to think I'm a lazy cow and DH is a saint for putting up with me?! I go to bed at midnight and wake up between 9 and 10 every day whilst DH is out early for a long day at work. Whilst he's working I don't do housework, I lounge in the garden sun bathing and eating ice creams and going for walks with my toddler. I stay up until 5am some nights. I also have to do a big weekly cleaning of the kitchen because I let the mess build up the rest of the week. Then on the weekends I make DH do chores and DIY and then moan because he isn't spending time with us. AIBU"

He can't take a kid to a Covid test or to his Dad's (well the latter he shouldn't if he can avoid it), and he's selling his car. Are the first and third not priorities? The middle one is a nice to do but it's his Dad?

Why do people keep mentioning the 5am thing? I've already said that only happens about twice a month and I don't exactly relish it. I can't help it if I can't get to sleep sometimes.