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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children still at home...

235 replies

CornishPastyEater · 09/08/2020 20:57

Hi all, my first post and I need your help, please!
Our two adult children aged 30 and 23 still live at home. The older one has a very well paid job but is showing absolutely no inclination to branch out and buy their own home, despite having told us that there are some savings and a very good income. Pays a modest monthly 'keep' but as lazy as anything and creates work.
The younger one's job has gone so is looking for other employment.
Am I being unreasonable to try to make it clear the older one needs to make their own way in the world? I'm fed up with being a constant mummy!
If I broach the subject there's always a row, shouting and stomping.
How do I make it clear change is needed?

OP posts:
Nosuchluck · 09/08/2020 20:59

I think you need to start pricing your older DC out of your home. Start charging a really, really high amount of rent/housekeeping.

Lazypuppy · 09/08/2020 21:01

Why have you let them stay so long?? Just tell them they have to move our by x date. Rent on own or with friends, doesn't matter but they need to get out in the real world

CherryPavlova · 09/08/2020 21:02

Yes, odd the older one doesn’t want to move out and be independent.

Find a calm moment to ask why they are so reluctant and set some new rules around household management and costs.

Sparklesocks · 09/08/2020 21:03

I think you need to sit them down and explain that they need to start thinking about being independent and moving out. I hope you aren’t still doing all of their cooking and washing etc?

PatriciaPerch · 09/08/2020 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 09/08/2020 21:13

That’s ridiculous. I know buying a house is out of reach for a lot of younger people, but at his age, with decent earning power, he should really be making his own way on the world by now!

My DS is 20 and he’s thinking about it in the next couple of years, which feels right to me. I never thought he’d be moving out at 18 or anything, but I can’t imagine still being a full time parent to him at 30! He does at least pay something towards rent etc. and you definitely need to make sure yours is paying a sensible amount until you get him out.

BrutusMcDogface · 09/08/2020 21:18

30!!?? Wow. Are they neurotypical?

I’m sorry but I was seeing a bloke once who still lived at home at the age of 28, and I thought he was a bit of a loser for it. No Independence or ambition; happy to be looked after by mummy.

You do have to ask them move out. Just say, “look, you’re 30 now. Time to fly the nest. You have until the end of the year to find somewhere, otherwise we will start charging you rent at the going rate.”

Original poster
CornishPastyEater · 09/08/2020 21:20

Thank you everyone, you've really helped me - the older one has a wonderful habit of making me feel as if I don't love them and am somehow rejecting them!
I'm totally confused as to why they don't want independence! Husband and I were married and in our own home at 21!
I shall think very carefully about your advice and will encourage an end date for this ridiculousness!
Tough love!! Smile

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 09/08/2020 21:25

I wouldn't mind my DCs living with us while they were in their early to mid-20s (as long as they paid their way and pulled their weight in the house) but by 26/27, I would be making serious 'er, when are you moving out?' noises.

I know I'm being nosey (although this is MN 🤷‍♀️) but how much board does he pay?

FrodosRing · 09/08/2020 21:27

It's not really a problem as long as all concerned are happy with it, IMO.
If you are not happy with the situation, then YANBU at all.

maddiemookins16mum · 09/08/2020 21:31

I know someone living with parents still, she’s nearly 41.
Has 172K savings (she told me one night after drink had been taken).
Doesn’t know how to use the washing machine.
Earns 35K a year, 3 holidays a year.
She gives her mum....£50 a month.
Her mum is 66 and cleans in a supermarket to pay the bills.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/08/2020 21:34

Just let the eldest stomp.

PatriciaPerch · 09/08/2020 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cryalot2 · 09/08/2020 21:39

mine are a bit younger but still at home. One works at home with dh and the other works an hours commute away. We are happy that they stay until they are buying or building.

Both help with housework and buy groceries.

They look after the dog when we used to go on holidays .
Yes we would like them to move out, but when the time is right.
Both pull their weight so it works both ways with us.

Couchbettato · 09/08/2020 21:45

I'd be adding the cost of a biweekly cleaner to their keep, and would start cooking only for DH and I if they were my kids, and telling them to buy their own food from now on.

All domestic living with mum services cancelled.

I'd probably be petty and send the eldest Rightmove links to houses that I liked as well.

EmExtra · 09/08/2020 21:46

You should do what my friends parents did, they moved to a 2 bed bungalow to help force the situation, 2nd bedroom was tiny and they stored stuff in it too so she had barely any room, it worked Wink

Sparklesocks · 09/08/2020 21:49

@maddiemookins16mum

I know someone living with parents still, she’s nearly 41. Has 172K savings (she told me one night after drink had been taken). Doesn’t know how to use the washing machine. Earns 35K a year, 3 holidays a year. She gives her mum....£50 a month. Her mum is 66 and cleans in a supermarket to pay the bills.
Oof!
BrutusMcDogface · 09/08/2020 21:50

@maddiemookins16mum

That is APPALLING. What a piece of work she is! ShockAngry

imissthesouth · 09/08/2020 21:56

Bring up to DS that you're thinking of downsizing as money is tight and your not sure you'll have room for him in the new house. Might encourage him to get a move on and buy a house. Does he have a partner?

Completelyfrozen · 09/08/2020 23:18

OP, What do you mean when you say your eldest is lazy as anything and creates work?

clairedelalune · 09/08/2020 23:58

I don't think there is a problem them living there, but I think as working adults the terms and conditions of living there need to be more defined as group of adults sharing house rather than parent child relationship

Fatted · 10/08/2020 00:00

Change the locks while they're out at work

Greyblueeyes · 10/08/2020 00:03

Your 30 year old sounds incredibly immature. You need to stop doing anything for him. No cooking, cleaning, laundry. Honestly, I would be pretty disgusted by his attitude. I would tell him he needs to move out.

It's one thing if he's respectful and pulls his weight. Your son sounds like a spoiled child and needs to grow up

Rosieposy4 · 10/08/2020 00:04

One of DHs colleagues did actually downsize precisely for this reason, all four fo their adult DC were at home, 1 with a partner and he and his wife couldn’t get it resolved so they downsized to a small 2 bed.

Shatteredconfidence · 10/08/2020 00:12

This is happening with my parents. My youngest sibling is almost 31, still at home, well paid full time job.

My parents cook them dinner every night.

They have to be nagged to clean up after themselves.

Contributes nothing to household, neither money nor groceries nor helping out.

My parents have bought them a car which they fuel, insure and maintain.

I honestly think it is pathetic and I despair.

I have tried to speak to my mum but it is pointless.