Adult children still at home...

[CornishPastyEater]

Hi all, my first post and I need your help, please!
Our two adult children aged 30 and 23 still live at home. The older one has a very well paid job but is showing absolutely no inclination to branch out and buy their own home, despite having told us that there are some savings and a very good income. Pays a modest monthly 'keep' but as lazy as anything and creates work.
The younger one's job has gone so is looking for other employment.
Am I being unreasonable to try to make it clear the older one needs to make their own way in the world? I'm fed up with being a constant mummy!
If I broach the subject there's always a row, shouting and stomping.
How do I make it clear change is needed?

We've also got another property that they could move into and live in independently if need be, but they would need to be working FT in order to be able to afford the rent and running costs.

This is a very interesting thread and shows how differently many parents deal with these issues. I live in the London borough with the most hindus who actually make lovely neighbours as divorce rates are low and everyone is very stable and works very hard indeed. They often (not always) live with the husband's parents in multi generational homes and there are pros and cons to that - not all women want to live with their mother in law.

At school one of my friends (white British) had to share a bed with her grandmother who sometimes wet the bed. That was pretty awful and my own mother always said put me in a home when older as I have seen far too many old people become a burden and ruin the lives of the family. Other families find it works well.

In my family history work the census records for our family back to 1841 provide a wonderful snap shot every 10 years of how the family lives and who lived with whom. Often I see a widowed parent of either gender moving in with one of the children and their family or a woman widowed young who then lived with one of her sons for life if the son never married even back in the 1800s that was common and of course then some of those boys would have been gay so not surprisingly they never married.

As for today I would say be clear with people. My son knew I stopped supporting him on 1 July of this year when his finished his degree and he had known that for 10 years at least as I have the same deal with all 5 children although I wold not throw them on to the streets; the only caveat being if he did some sensible post grad studies I would support him in that (which is what he is now going to do starting next month for 2 years).

The poster a bit above who mentioned the child plus partner both earning more than both parents put together where the partner spends money on golf etc that sounds bit unreasonable. I feel once they have jobs they should really move out. The only reason my older son stayed longer is he is 10 years older than the twins, did not want to leave and was able to be their au pair, do school collection etc so I felt there was mutual use in that arrangement with a date for him to leave of when the twins left for university. He has lived independently since other than having the same help towards a property as his older sisters have.

jules why does the BF have to live with you?

I would be furious to have my adult DS's GF (or BF) living in our home, paying cheap 'rent', earning more than me yet swanning around playing golf etc.

Why put up with it? I do think many parents make it far too cosy for their adult DC, sounds tough but I have made it plain to my DS that 'lovers' are not allowed to stay overnight (unless by pre arrangement in the guest room ) and certainly not 'move in' even on a temporary basis.

I couldn't wait to leave home and start living independently, yes I know it's hard these days but plenty of young people do manage it. If my DS and I fall out over that decision - so what, I had plenty of heated discussions with my parents when I was growing up but we got through it, I respect their decisions and we get on absolutely fine.

That's pretty much my feeling on it too, Ragwort. I understand that there's a housing crisis, but boyfriends/girlfriends can have the crisis at their own parents' place, surely? There's got to be some motivation for them to be independent.

Some of these posts do seem a bit harsh and unfeeling, as though you can’t wait for your DCs to grow up and piss off!

I understand we need to enable independence etc but don’t you enjoy their company?

Me, DH and our DDs (19) have our cross irritable moments with each other but I genuinely enjoy their company most of the time. They bring a lot of life to the house with their youth, friends, music etc. I will miss them, I don’t want a quiet show house.

We are all different Big - personally I love peace and quiet in my own home . Of course I love my DS but I also want him to live an independent life, to make his own 'home' and future and have the sort of lifestyle that he wants ....... just as I love my own parents but I don't want to live with them.

I don't have any problem with adult children returning to the family nest as adults. Lots of cultures have several generations of adults living together and it can be a real bonus. But they must behave like adults. Fair financial contribution. Fair share of cooking, cleaning, maintenance. Respect for the existing house rules (eg how clean and tidy the place should be kept day-to-day; noise levels etc.) Adult children who want a very different way of living have to find their own accommodation.

Xenia and Ragwort - dd's bf lives a 4 hr drive away and he got a job near us so we agreed he could stay here while they saved - it's just gone on a bit longer than we'd hoped. I normally love my dd's company and we've had a few "discussions" to try and clear the air but feel I'm becoming passive aggressive a lot of the time, esp that I'm in the middle trying to keep the peace. I suppose the lockdown situation - everyone wfh (5 of us in the house!) doesn't help. Thanks guys for your comments. x

What a tough situation Jules - you sound much more tolerant than I would be .

At least they're working full-time though? It's not like they're sitting around without a job