Adult children still at home...

[CornishPastyEater]

Hi all, my first post and I need your help, please!
Our two adult children aged 30 and 23 still live at home. The older one has a very well paid job but is showing absolutely no inclination to branch out and buy their own home, despite having told us that there are some savings and a very good income. Pays a modest monthly 'keep' but as lazy as anything and creates work.
The younger one's job has gone so is looking for other employment.
Am I being unreasonable to try to make it clear the older one needs to make their own way in the world? I'm fed up with being a constant mummy!
If I broach the subject there's always a row, shouting and stomping.
How do I make it clear change is needed?

They are behaving as they are because of their upbringing. It is your fault entirely if you have not educated hem to the fact that they will have to fly the nest and be responsible for themselves. This is the Woke generation, its always someone else's fault or problem, not theirs. It will be difficult to get tough now and they may not forgive you for a long time.

My sister's ex-friend stayed in her family home and only had part-time jobs, so couldn't afford to move out, as a deliberate strategy to inherit the house. Unfortunately for her she boasted about this when out and her 2 siblings and parents got to hear of it.She was given a time limit to find a full-time job and somewhere else to live. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth ensued but move out she did and subsequent sob stories and attempts to move back 'home' have cut no ice. So stand firm, OP as it is the only way to reclaim your space.

Definitely consider pp posters advice on making home life less appealing for them. This thread has opened my mind thinking about my own dc only 10 atm but worth having a mental plan. I moved out at 16 and struggled for years but never moved back home. I think ages 16-18 mess about token contributions made as and when. 18 to 20 more solid contributions. 20 -25 70 -10/30% split of bills depending on income with a view/plan to fly the coop at 25. 30 years old is taking the biscuit. If my dc lives past that point I would be doing 50-50 split as I would view her as a housemate rather than my child at that point, I don't want to be mothering forever.

I think you need to increase the rent your older child is paying, and insist that both children pull their weight around the house. They should both be doing their own laundry, cleaning up after themselves in the kitchen, helping with the house cleaning, and sharing in the cooking.

I have found recipe boxes like Gousto and Hello Fresh invaluable in getting my kids (26, 19, 16) to do more of the cooking. Everything they need is in the box so I don't have to help them find things, and the recipes are clear and easy to follow. They have learned a lot about cooking this way, and I am much happier to walk in the door from work and have someone else cook dinner. They quite like cooking the meals and I feel less put upon. You could even ask your older child to contribute 25% of the cost per week.

Recipe boxes are certainly more expensive than normal grocery shopping (about £4 per person per meal) but cheaper than takeaways or restaurants, or even fast food. Using them has really turned around my feelings about having adult children in the house (I have two more kids who are now 29 and 28, who now live on their own but lived with us until they were 26 or 27.)

I'm just reminded of the situation that my grandfather was in.

I'm all in favour of moving your 30yo out ASAP - not a very attractive prospect as a partner, especially if it is a son - but my grandfather never left home, and neither did one other sibling. HOWEVER they both married, and their spouses moved in to the family home (it was a large town house) and looked after my great grandmother.
Difference being that my grandfather was partners with his own father in the family business, which was on the premises - so it kind of made sense - and when his father died, he took over the business. He did at one point buy an extra plot of land to build a little house on, that he and my grandmother could live in - but it never came to anything (much to her chagrin, I should imagine!)
My great grandmother was in her 90s before she died - but she had her children (and their spouses) running themselves ragged looking after her, not the other way around!

CornishPastyEater totally sympathise, I read somewhere adult kids returning home after uni or never going is bad for parental wellbeing. I have four at home. Tbh I don't want them spending £600 plus a month on renting a room. I want them to save. All were working until Covid 3 still working, but one has an internship ending and the fourth is in an industry very badly affected, & had worked very very hard to get a foothold, now gone, has had 9 days work since lockdown, no furlough. They want to move out but silly money, eldest is saving hard has good job and about 50 grand saved so far. I'd rather they saved to try to get money for deposits. You have to have about 100g a year to even get a flat here. On other hand, get so tired with all the extra work, especially during lockdown. One truly reverts and at 25 says I should cook for my children...!!!! What children I remind her....2 of them also moan about the £150 a month I ask for, saying friends live for free at parents Don't you just hate those sort of parents !!

@Hutella. I think many parents want to regain their personal space when the children grow up. My DH and I hope to downsize to save on the cost/maintenance of a family-sized home. We also want to live our lives as we want- have sex all over the house, eat what/when we want ( obviously could do that with adult children too) and generally live a couple’s lifestyle.

Luckily our DC ( 15 and 12) are independent and have no intention of living with us long term. DD wants to travel; DS (12) isn’t sure but he definitely wants to share a house with his friends so they can do their own thing.😄

They know that we’re always here for them if they need a roof over their heads, but we all want independent lives.

If they didn't go off to uni mine were slowly moved out starting at 19.
When they had a good job, car, they were expected to leave. Definitely 25 at the latest, I'd have thought I'd failed otherwise.
Some at home at 30 are just laughable mummies boys, with no prospect of a gf let alone a wife

Laughable @Devlesko? Nice.

@Devlesko. That’s abit harsh! But, I do agree that parents need to make your expectations clear so they don’t end up in the OP’s situation.

My neighbors’ eldest child seems to have turned into a boomerang child, in that she keeps showing up at home for lengthy periods. She’s 27( nearly 28), in a LTR and sometimes it’s her and her bf. It’s not my business obviously, but I know her parents aren’t especially well-off ( they’ve confided in me before) so I hope she’s paying some rent. I’d be worried if my adult child kept reappearing like that. They’re really nice people and I have a feeling they can’t say no to her.

Maybe a bit harsh, but it is true.
Who wants a man who still makes a mess for mummy at 30 years old.
There are threads full of women complaining about useless men and this is one of the reasons.

I was cruel and made mine pull their weight, and leave home when working. They paid proper board at home and were responsible for their share of the work, why wouldn't they be?

The eldest was moved into the box room when he was 18, the same with the next one when he was 18.
They'd have preferred a bigger bedroom to turn into a type of bedsit, but no way

It's each to their own, but you make a rod for your own back if you don't get them out when you can.
I love all my kids and we have a good relationship, most importantly dil's are happy with them and ds1 is a great dad because he was brought up having to do stuff and help with his baby sister.

My daughters move home after university for 2 years of law school then legal training which was fine by me as a specific end in sight and then they did leave and indeed later I helped them buy a property each. My older son stayed after graduating and being 10 years old was a kind of au pair to the twins whom he collected from school every day fitting it around his work so that was fine and I paid him for that 3 hours a day he worked for me. I also helped him buy a house which he let out for a year before moving into it.

I just made clear that when the twins went to university I expect to be on my own and he knew that and was happy to move into his own house then. Now we are at the next stage - twins just graduated but are doing 2 years of law school so I am not quite at the point of everyone gone but they know that point will come. I am not living with adult children and nor did my parents. My father used to joke that you divorce your children at 18 and only pay for their university. He didn't really mean it in a sense of never seeing parents but he meant the adult children then have to make their own lives.

@Devlesko

I agree.
People marrying from home is not a good look.
Living on your own, sharing a house, paying bills, budgeting are very important life skills.

I have heard of more than one young couple finding the early years of marriage challenging in their first home, having come straight from the family home.......throwing 50 quid at Mum does not cover your costs in your own home by a mile.

DH and I married from home at 25. All good,both paid board at home, looked after myself and saved, bought a house on our own with no help which I moved into just before we married. Still together 24 years later.

Oh and DH was taught to iron and cook and clean by my MIL. I’m eternally grateful.

One of my friends started seeing someone ( and eventually married) a bloke who was still living with his parents. Granted, he travelled extensively internationally for his job so she said it wasn’t worth him getting his own place.

Tbh, I still found it slightly odd that 30 year old on a good salary had never left home...everything’s worked out for them though so he obviously wasn’t completely spoilt by Mum and Dad.🤣

Hi, this is my first post too. YANBU! Like you, have 2 dc at home, for 18 months eldest dd (26) has her bf living here. They are saving to buy a place but are holding off actually buying because they think there is going to be a property slump therefore can get something cheaper. They both earn c.£35k each and pay us £200/month each rent, which I am sure they think is too much as many of their friends still living at home don't pay anything. My dh and I don't earn together what one of them earns! My dh gets very frustrated with dd bf, he is a nice guy but an only child and not very tidy, so I get it in the ear all the time from dh. What gets me is even though they are meant to be saving, he plays golf and cricket all the time which isn't the cheapest of hobbies. I hate the person the situation is turning me into, getting frustrated over petty things. It's coming between me and my daughter, I don't want to fall out with her over it.

I think for your own sanity and your relationship with your partner there comes a time when you need to put you first.
You've done your bit and if they are taking the piss earning lots and spending it on hobbies instead of saving then they should go.
I also refused having partners to live with us, more than welcome to stay a couple of nights a week at most.
jules
Don't let it become a bigger issue, talk to them about a deadline and ask why they aren't saving everything they can?

I think you need to give a deadline then hike it up to market rent

www.comparethemarket.com/home-insurance/content/pa-rental/

Just remembered can anyone remember the paint advert where mum and dad wee decorating the son's room an awful colour.
That just sums it up for me, small room and decorated how you want it.
Nice pink rose wallpaper, should do it

My mum told me to move out at 21, I was happy to, I like my own space. Living with parents past 25 must be really smothering, I'd hate it.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 thanks. I get it. I guess most parents miss that freedom as a couple pre children!

In many parts of the world it can be acceptable or even preferred to have multi generations under one roof. Have a Greek friend for example and his family pretty much moved down the same street in outer london, with interlinked gardens.

Like you said your friend's 30 year old is doing well living his own life. While the minority in UK, multi generational living is rising, given the cost with urbanisation. Obviously you need right types of spaces to accommodate that (child instead of granny annexe!) but most of our housing are for nuclear families, and new build supply is ever smaller.

depending on how my children turn out as adults I quite like the idea, as I imagine I would retire from work then, my young children would have finally have some semblance of a rational adult brain, and I'd quite like more frequent company. But it seems from the response it is a cultural no no.

Theres some benefits in an ageing society e.g. care for grandchildren and later on, elderly care

Our eldest is 24. We also have 2 primary school aged DC. 24 yr old DS has only ever worked PT and finished uni 2 yrs ago. They've had PT jobs since they were 15. We were happy for them to live at home whilst at uni because they went to a specialist uni in London and London rents are obvs crazy. DC didn't take out a student loan, so only has to pay back tuition fees. We bought them their own laptop in their 1st year of uni. They paid for their own clothing (heavily discounted as they worked in fashion retail), socialising and travel into central London 3 days a week from their PT wages. We only started taking 30% contribution late last year. We gave DS the opportunity to suggest the percentage so they couldn't then complain down the line. 30% is also what we had in mind, so all good. We felt that a percentage would be better instead of a fixed figure until they find their desired post uni FT job as their PT wages fluctuate. We are secretly planning to give their 30% household contribution back to them for their future deposit on a property. Previous to contributing financially they were constantly ordering online (mainly clothing and takeaways), ordering Uber's instead of walking 10 mins to the tube station! They resigned from a job so they could go on holiday for 4 wks to an expensive destination, as they knew they wouldn't be granted leave during the Xmas/NY period! And then went off travelling again in Feb whilst unemployed. They were lucky to then get a temp keyworker 0 hours job a few wks into lockdown.
I do their laundry as I practically run a laundrette, as we're a 5 person household. If they did their own laundry they would mess up my production line, use more water, energy and we'd struggle for drying space for items that have to be line dried. They have to fold their own laundry. They know how to operate the washing machine and dryer. They buy most of their own food and cook for themselves most days and they sometimes cook for us all. I also sometimes cook for them. They hardly ever babysit their younger siblings as we both work, are always tired and hardly ever go out. They rarely help out with housework unless asked. I will leave their mess for them to clean up, including phoning and sending text msgs upstairs to them in their room to come down and sort it ASAP. I do most of the general cleaning as I work PT, but will not be picking up after my household like a skivvy. Our younger DC have age appropriate chores (helping to fold laundry, emptying dishwasher, making beds, making cereal breakfasts and sandwich/wrap lunches, dishwashing several items by hand, sweeping leaves on driveway, etc). DS has practically got a penthouse suite as they have the loft room with their own en-suite. They were very close to securing their dream FT job abroad, but seemingly lost out due to not being able to work at the location immediately, due to the uncertainty re. Covid travel restrictions. DS recently asked if they could reduce their contribution by 5% so they could save more (a family member told me they wanted to save more for travelling), I laughed and told DS to work more hours or to get another PT job if they wanted to earn more money 😄
Covid and lockdown has obviously set them back, but we've told them that we expect them to secure a permanent FT job, as soon as practically possible.

What you have to remember is there is a massive housing crisis in the UK and a renting crisis buying or renting now is not like you used to be able to do when you got married, kids need the bank of mummy and daddy, max out mortgage, max out help to buy schemes in order to just buy a one bed flat or else be stuck renting forever whilst rich landlords buy up multiple properties and rent them out for their retirement, usually kids live at home to save up a deposit but as prices of houses have gone thru the roof they have to stay at home longer to save up. If they were buying new cars and going on lots old holidays and wasting money then by all means kick them our

*24 year old DD (not DS)

They would continue to only work PT if they could, to avoid having to move out. Pre-Covid, they already said that they're not planning on moving out anytime soon!