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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children still at home...

235 replies

CornishPastyEater · 09/08/2020 20:57

Hi all, my first post and I need your help, please!
Our two adult children aged 30 and 23 still live at home. The older one has a very well paid job but is showing absolutely no inclination to branch out and buy their own home, despite having told us that there are some savings and a very good income. Pays a modest monthly 'keep' but as lazy as anything and creates work.
The younger one's job has gone so is looking for other employment.
Am I being unreasonable to try to make it clear the older one needs to make their own way in the world? I'm fed up with being a constant mummy!
If I broach the subject there's always a row, shouting and stomping.
How do I make it clear change is needed?

OP posts:
FattyBoom · 10/08/2020 08:39

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Erm, yes op has ... Hmm
*Hi all, my first post and I need your help, please! Our two adult children aged 30 and 23 still live at home. The older one has a very well paid job but is showing absolutely no inclination to branch out and buy their own home, despite having told us that there are some savings and a very good income. Pays a modest monthly 'keep' but as lazy as anything and creates work. The younger one's job has gone so is looking for other employment. Am I being unreasonable to try to make it clear the older one needs to make their own way in the world? I'm fed up with being a constant mummy! If I broach the subject there's always a row, shouting and stomping. How do I make it clear change is needed?

Thank you everyone, you've really helped me - the older one has a wonderful habit of making me feel as if I don't love them and am somehow rejecting them!
I'm totally confused as to why they don't want independence! Husband and I were married and in our own home at 21!
I shall think very carefully about your advice and will encourage an end date for this ridiculousness!
Tough love!!
*
Where??

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/08/2020 08:39

Downsize, it’s the best way.

RoseGoldEagle · 10/08/2020 08:42

Also can’t see where the OP mentions if it’s a son or daughter, not that it matters. It wouldn’t be about the money for me, your 30 year needs to move out and be independent for their own benefit and yours.

Weenurse · 10/08/2020 08:44

When mine turned 16 we had the ‘we all work/study full time, we all contribute to the mess so we all should contribute to the clean up’ conversation.
Chorechart drawn up and jobs assigned.
They do their own washing, clean their rooms and bathroom.
We share cooking, shopping, dog walking etc.
I don’t charge board as both have told me they are actively saving for deposits,
Good luck, I hope you don’t have to move to get them out.

BarbaraofSeville · 10/08/2020 08:46

Downsize, it’s the best way

Yes, aren't you and DH getting round to thinking to moving to a little cottage on the coast, on a remote Scottish Island or in a small city apartment where you can not cook and just go out to restaurants, theatre, galleries etc all the time?

FattyBoom · 10/08/2020 08:49

Don't downsize OP, why should you? Just have a conversation with the 30 year old and tell them that they have until x date to move out as they need to be independent. In the meantime put the rent up to a normal amount and none of the maid services they are used to will be supplied.

Enderman · 10/08/2020 08:55

I feel sorry for any future partner they may have.

I can’t see where the OP said they were male.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 10/08/2020 09:04

Our kids will have a home with us for as long as they want one. Once they’re older, obviously I’d expect them to look after themselves.... I can’t imagine that they’d want me running around after them anyway. They’re both quite independent already. I’m not really sure what you being married and having a house by 21 has to do with it, I bought my own house at a similar age but things are different now and my kids aren’t me so they’ll choose their own path.
I’d make them pull their weight around the house but I wouldn’t push them to move out.

Rg1987 · 10/08/2020 09:04

I couldn't wait to leave aged 18!!! (v happy childhood but wanted my independence).
I would encourage him to make an investment, esp as stamp duty is so reduced at moment.
And in meantime up his rent!

Sertchgi123 · 10/08/2020 09:14

YABU to put up with this. Give the older one notice that they are being evicted. Stand firm. Job done.

The younger one, in theory, should be allowed to stay for as long as your older child, but that’s up to you.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 10/08/2020 09:16

This is the other side of all those threads we see where posters declare they simply wouldn’t dream of charging their adult dc to live in “their own home” and insist that it will always be theirs as much as the parents.

The problem arises when you get this failure to launch situation which actually isn’t only about the adult dcs independence but also very much impacts the parents lives, practically and financially.

I know some adults who do live with parents but it’s usually for a reason such as helping support a single mum or the adult dc can’t afford market rent or mortgage. The difference is they have a grown up relationship so contribute properly to the household, not just financially but in terms of shopping, cooking, cleaning, home maintenance etc.

I will never understand how adult dc carry on seeing their parents only as mum and dad, whose primary reason for existing is seemingly to meet the dcs needs Confused. Unfortunately OP you’ve allowed this situation to go on too long! Time for a direct conversation with 30 year old, making it clear that you are no longer going to parent them as though they are children and that you expect them to make plans to move out within a reasonable period of time.

It sounds like the younger one can’t afford to but that doesn’t mean you can’t make changes. Tell them they must step up and start pulling their weight and if they don’t like it they need to look for alternative accommodation.

FortunesFave · 10/08/2020 09:20

My SIL is STILL at home and she's 49 years old. She's never left.

She had a baby by donor, by choice...and is now very reliant on her parents.

They don't complain but I know they worry about her. She can't be happy living the way she does. No job or real social life either.

It's arrested development. She's obviously not going anywhere now...not at almost 50.You don't want that do you OP?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/08/2020 09:20

My DD is 33 and would LOVE to be able to move out.

There are no full-time jobs in the area (all p/t or zero hours). She pays £100 month board but as she is on minimum wage and 16hours/week I think that's reasonable, and also does her own washing etc.

She's working towards a qualification with the OU that she hopes will give her more than just a massive student debt. My heart aches for her sometimes - she tries so hard, but seems to get nowhere. SHe's very bright, too - but Asperger's so finds some things eg interviews very, very challenging.

Pinklynx · 10/08/2020 09:22

Obviously I'd be there for my kids if they needed a stop gap, unemployment, in between rented flats etc. But it would always be a short term measure past 25. For instance if they wanted to save for a deposit, I wouldn't have them there for longer than 18 months. They'd also have to help in the house and look after their own washing and ironing.

OP it's good for confidence, independence, learning to be a good partner, parent etc to live on their own. It's really not being kind to allow this to continue. Prepare your strategy. Don't be manipulated by complaints that you don't love them (I'm doing this because I love you etc.). Give them a deadline and stick to it. Keep reminding them of how long they have left every week. They'll just have to move into a hostel or hotel if they won't find anything.

It will also be a reminder for your other child.

No neurotypical adult needs to live with their parents forever.

Burnthurst187 · 10/08/2020 09:25

Why would the oldest want to move out when they have everything they need at home, basically get to keep their entire salary each month to spend how they want, contribute basically nothing to the household and have Mummy to still pander to their every need?

I take it they aren't in a relationship?

The oldest should be saving money in every single area wherever possible to build up a huge deposit and then get a big foot up on the housing ladder. You don't mention this. I feel for your youngest, loosing their job and also they're seven years younger. Big difference in 23 and 30 and having no job compared to a good job

I think you need to set some targets for the oldest. No plans to move out doesn't sound particularly healthy to me

TitsOutForHarambe · 10/08/2020 09:27

£172k isn't much. Really, its not.

Ok.

MN is so surreal sometimes

Burnthurst187 · 10/08/2020 09:27

@Greyblueeyes

Your 30 year old sounds incredibly immature. You need to stop doing anything for him. No cooking, cleaning, laundry. Honestly, I would be pretty disgusted by his attitude. I would tell him he needs to move out.

It's one thing if he's respectful and pulls his weight. Your son sounds like a spoiled child and needs to grow up

Him?

Why have you automatically assumed the eldest is male?

Neither sexes have been mentioned before your post

sbhydrogen · 10/08/2020 09:28

I'm in my early 30s and have just moved back home (!!) with DH and DD in order to supersave for a deposit within the next year. However, I do all our own washing, cooking, cleaning etc.

You need to tell the older one that they need to pull their weight around the house or start paying up.

BarbaraofSeville · 10/08/2020 09:30

@FortunesFave

My SIL is STILL at home and she's 49 years old. She's never left.

She had a baby by donor, by choice...and is now very reliant on her parents.

They don't complain but I know they worry about her. She can't be happy living the way she does. No job or real social life either.

It's arrested development. She's obviously not going anywhere now...not at almost 50.You don't want that do you OP?

That's worrying because at 49, it's likely her parents are in their 70s and won't be around/in good health forever.

What will she do when they need her help or the inevitable happens and she's on her own?

Abraid2 · 10/08/2020 09:37

A lot of 23-year-olds are at home at the moment! THey left their cramped rooms in city flats at the beginning of lockdown and many have lost jobs or haven't been able to find jobs after graduating from fulltime higher education. My son is one such. Trying to find work, going for interviews. Next door there's a 24-year-old who just lost his job at the end of furlough.

ClementineWoolysocks · 10/08/2020 09:37

@maddiemookins16mum

I know someone living with parents still, she’s nearly 41. Has 172K savings (she told me one night after drink had been taken). Doesn’t know how to use the washing machine. Earns 35K a year, 3 holidays a year. She gives her mum....£50 a month. Her mum is 66 and cleans in a supermarket to pay the bills.
What a POS, I'd be telling her a few home truths after drink had been taken.
mklanch · 10/08/2020 09:38

mu auntie lived with my nan and grandad with a child for about 8 years. she moved out at around 28 with her boyfriend, got pregnant has the baby they broke up and she was back to my nan and grandads when she was almost 30. she stayed there for almost 10 years, but to be honest she had an easy life with no finacial worry. she worked part time, (because she didnt want to work full time), she didnt help my nan and grandad in their fish and chip shop and had full time babysitters. also my nan and grandad paid for everything, eating out numerous times a week, and clothes my auntie wanted, everything for her child. (she was also one of those people that always wanted designer jeans etc)
even though i was just a kid at the time even we would say omg i would be embarrassed to be like that. but to be honest my nan and grandad allowed it so it was their fault. they constantly would offer to buy things and encouraged her to move in with them.
i think if you want you children to move out and be independent you have to be very firm and dont back down. in the long run if they continue to mooch of you then they wont ever be independant.

Bmidreams · 10/08/2020 09:39

I think parents that are happy for older children to be home fail to recognise that they are impeding their child's development. They are doing them no favours whatsoever, they are harming them.

I also don't understand parents fearful to have the conversation due to strops etc. You hold all the cards, the power is all yours. It is they who should be endearing themselves to you! They have everything to lose, you have everything to gain.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 10/08/2020 09:39

That's worrying because at 49, it's likely her parents are in their 70s and won't be around/in good health forever.

What will she do when they need her help or the inevitable happens and she's on her own?

I think that’s the trade off in this type of situation though isn’t it? The dc who had the benefit of this level of financial, emotional and practical support until well into middle age will most likely have to do the heavy lifting as the parents age. Tbh I don’t think that’s unfair.

stonecoasters · 10/08/2020 09:45

I'm 30 and find this crazy! No way would I even want to live at my parents house, I'd be so embarrassed.