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AIBU?

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Original poster

Adult children still at home...

235 replies

CornishPastyEater · 09/08/2020 20:57

Hi all, my first post and I need your help, please!
Our two adult children aged 30 and 23 still live at home. The older one has a very well paid job but is showing absolutely no inclination to branch out and buy their own home, despite having told us that there are some savings and a very good income. Pays a modest monthly 'keep' but as lazy as anything and creates work.
The younger one's job has gone so is looking for other employment.
Am I being unreasonable to try to make it clear the older one needs to make their own way in the world? I'm fed up with being a constant mummy!
If I broach the subject there's always a row, shouting and stomping.
How do I make it clear change is needed?

OP posts:
uniglowooljumper · 10/08/2020 00:20

My BIL would stomp his feeties and cry foul every time my ILs brought up his loafing at home. He's now 43, still at home. FIL is dead, MIL is still enabling him. Fuck that!

Another friend moved out of her own home and into a 1-bed rented flat as her lazy daughter, who also has a well-paid job, is living in the house with her 2 kids by an unemployed weed-smoking loser. My friend, 'B', got sick of being used as free childcare on tap. I'd have sold the fucking house and the daughter could go and swivel. She enables her daughter, though, who still lives there rent-free whilst her mother pays rent on the flat out of her pension.

BitOfFun · 10/08/2020 00:21

Has your eldest ever had a serious girlfriend? Do you allow him to have overnight guess?

br1anmay · 10/08/2020 00:23

I think you have to increase what you're charging them, OP. When I lived at home, I was saving for a deposit and paying roughly 1/3 of my wages as digs (this was self-imposed, I wasn't asked to give that much).

It stood me in good stead, as my mortgage is now practically the same as I was paying, so I didn't have a huge wake-up call when I moved out.

BitOfFun · 10/08/2020 00:25

*guests

LillianBland · 10/08/2020 00:30

My friend was fed up suggesting to her son that he needed to stand on his own two feet, so she paid the deposit and first months rent on a small flat and took most of his stuff over, while he was at work. He threw the biggest strop, though tbf, he has Aspergers so finds change difficult. He now loves it and they have a great relationship.

BarbaraofSeville · 10/08/2020 05:11

Love how everyone's assuming that the 30 YO is male Grin.

But almost certainly is, older DC who don't leave home are disproportionately men.

Depending on where you are OP he could have saved enough to buy a house outright, or at least with a very good deposit. Hopefully he has been saving and not just blown all his money on cars, holidays, going out and takeaways like many do.

Yeahnahmum · 10/08/2020 05:27

23 is not that bad yet..30 in the other hand.
Just increase your keep by 250%. Starting in 2 months. And give him houserules and curfews. And start walking through your home naked

See how long it takes him to start moving out Wink

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2020 05:32

Fucking hell, op, isn't it high time you had your own life? Put an end to this madness right now. You are not doing them any favours. The 30 year old should be given a limit of 30 days, end of discussion.

KatherineJaneway · 10/08/2020 05:34

It isn't as easy as pp make it sound. Op you've created a rod for your own back here and it will create some bad feeling if you don't unpick it carefully.

I'd sit both down and tell them that you've looked at finances and household chores and rent will now be X and their chores will be Y and Z. Non negotiable and if they don't like it then they need to think about alternatives. You do it nice and calmly and tell them tantrums about this will not be tolerated. You remind them that you love them but things need to change.

Soubriquet · 10/08/2020 05:56

Let me guess, you do all the cleaning, cooking and washing clothes for both children?

Stop.

The oldest doesn’t want to move out because you do everything for them. Why would they want to move somewhere where they have to pay more money, shop, cook AND clean?

Goatinthegarden · 10/08/2020 06:15

Oh I find this so strange, I love my family, but I left home at 17 for uni and never went back. I think all of my friends were on their own by the time they were 20 at the latest. I thought all of those teen hormones were meant to help you detach a little and need your own space?

I’d I were you op, I’d sit older child down with a calculator, spreadsheet and some property guides (rents and purchases) and discuss their evacuation plan.

SteelyPanther · 10/08/2020 06:33

The older one definitely needs a departure date.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2020 06:33

Time to get harsh.

What are they going to do when you die? THey have no life skills to make their own way. Time to force them into it.
Stop cooking for them, doing their laundry, clearing up after them etc.
Any mess they make, scoop it up and dump it on their bed (a friend of mine did this with her slack lodgers who failed to do their share of the washing up etc. - was very effective!)

And charge them market rent. Ridiculous that they are earning so well and living the life of Riley while you're still "looking after" them.

milveycrohn · 10/08/2020 06:39

I 'encouraged' my DSs to move out by the time they were 30. This actually meant roughly 30, or 29.
The question is, do they earn enough to buy a flat, or do they expect to rent.
Suggest going with them to find something suitable.
I suggest you increase their rent, and both (especially the elder) should be doing their own washing and ironing.

Kat92 · 10/08/2020 06:40

I personally would not want to still live at home aged 30. However, I do know 30 year olds who are single and havent wanted to move out as they see renting as wasted money. I dont agree with that as independence is very important and it may stop them moving on with their lives in the way that most people want to.
Generally, I think it would be a good idea to advise them to think about moving out. Currently with Covid and looming economic problems though it would depend upon how secure their job is.

lilgreen · 10/08/2020 06:49

Increase the rent and make some house rules.

fatgirlslimmer · 10/08/2020 06:55

What do you do for your adult children? How do they manage their relationships and friends? What is a modest keep? Are you making it too easy for them?

My parents charged 30% of my earnings for board and lodgings, for that I got a bedroom, clean bedding and towels, meals included, my mother cooked, we sometimes had a family takeaway. We had a cleaner but had to keep the home tidy and could use family toiletries. It did not include washing or ironing of clothes, no personal choice toiletries or other extras.

user1493413286 · 10/08/2020 06:56

I would get your older one to pay the going rate and if you are doing things like cooking or washing for him then stop doing them and make sure he pulls his weight. I think he’ll probably quite quickly realise that he’d rather live independently after that.

SteelyPanther · 10/08/2020 07:00

The thing about getting them to do their own cooking and washing is that it’s just more gas, electric and water, so more money.
And if mine cook before me I find all the pans etc dirty in the dishwasher so I have to wash them before I start !

beelola · 10/08/2020 07:03

I know a 36 year old that still lives with his parents. He's so dependent on his mum that he probably wouldn't cope with moving out now. It might seem harsh but I see it as a parenting failure that they are unable or unwilling to be independent at that age. Tell him that he needs to be finding somewhere to live by X date or you'll be charging rent and bills at the correct rate.

Toomboom · 10/08/2020 07:03

Why have you allowed this to happen? Why is your 30 year old so lazy that they don't help at all? You say he is in a well paid job, well it is now past the time that his rent was increased to proper amount. He needs to grow up and start to help with things around the house [ as does your younger one ]. Look on right move to see the prices for house shares and small flats to give you both an idea how much he should be paying if he moved out.
I can't imagine that he tells his work colleagues or friends how he treats his parents. You are enabling him. He sounds very immature if he is going into a strop rather than having a proper conversation.

I would also give him a time scale to move out. Stop doing everything for him! He is more than old enough to make a meal for himself, do his own washing and cleaning and shopping.

Ragwort · 10/08/2020 07:05

I would hate that ... my DS is 19 & a Uni student ... just the months home from Uni have been hard. That is one of the reasons I will never make it too 'cosy' for my DS at home, he has to live by 'house rules' and certainly won't be allowing girlfriends to stay over. We talk a lot about his future plans and he has set ip a Help to Buy Isa so he making some plans at least.

Friendsoftheearth · 10/08/2020 07:05

Put your prices up by a lot for the older one, in line with what it would cost as an adult. Stop providing a laundry and cooking service for both. Support the younger one in looking for a job, and make the payment to you a percentage of their income, so it is fair.

Make it clear that you expect the older one to start making a proper effort to look for a place to live, and don't let him guilt trip - he sounds like a manchild and needs to grow up. Stop mothering him, or you are passing on a dud to any potential partner.

ivykaty44 · 10/08/2020 07:07

The going rate for rent (House share) in my area £400 for a double room, all bills inclusive - but obviously food is not included.

I’d explain to them they need to start looking after themselves, washing, ironing and food shopping cooking. Or you all take turns to cook an evening meal and take turns to do the shopping.

Friendsoftheearth · 10/08/2020 07:08

And if mine cook before me I find all the pans etc dirty in the dishwasher so I have to wash them before I start

Er, no, they have to wash up after themselves, why are they allowed to leave unwashed pots that need to be used by others? I am sorry but that is no excuse. Insist they wash up and leave the kitchen as they found it, my 12 year old does this even...