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AIBU?

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Original poster

Adult children still at home...

235 replies

CornishPastyEater · 09/08/2020 20:57

Hi all, my first post and I need your help, please!
Our two adult children aged 30 and 23 still live at home. The older one has a very well paid job but is showing absolutely no inclination to branch out and buy their own home, despite having told us that there are some savings and a very good income. Pays a modest monthly 'keep' but as lazy as anything and creates work.
The younger one's job has gone so is looking for other employment.
Am I being unreasonable to try to make it clear the older one needs to make their own way in the world? I'm fed up with being a constant mummy!
If I broach the subject there's always a row, shouting and stomping.
How do I make it clear change is needed?

OP posts:
lilgreen · 10/08/2020 07:09

I agree that some others that giving them independence is part of the parenting process, it’s not unkind, it’s the right thing to do. Unless it’s a personal crisis or they have learning difficulties they need to move out and become an adult. My eldest is 19 and at uni most of the time and the thought of her still being here in 10 years is not good. I think I’d move out!!

Yaottie · 10/08/2020 07:14

I was a late leaver I left home when I was 30, but I spent all that time saving as hard as I could for a deposit, which enabled me to buy a house. I would have left sooner but a couple of houses fell through so it actually took a lot longer than I thought it would. I pulled my weight around the house and am very grateful to my parents for helping me as much as they did. Is give your eldest a time limit. Ignore the tantrums!

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 10/08/2020 07:18

A colleague downsized however her ds who had moved out, had a relationship breakup, and moved back in his 30s, no more spare room.

WanderingMilly · 10/08/2020 07:24

No 30 year old should be at home. You need to be much firmer. You need to sit both of your adult youngsters down and explain to them that they need to make their own way in life. Give your reasons - they need to learn to be independent, you need your own freedom from family matters before you get too old, explain that they should be pulling their weight in doing jobs around the home but they don't.... And also, your children will never break the 'mummy' bonds if they don't leave. They go, and then come back to you as adults in their own right, in a proper adult-family relationship.

Explain from now on they will pay a proper rent, they will do certain jobs and they have 4 months to set themselves up with their own accommodation. In the meantime, do not do work for them, don't clean/cook/wash etc for them to show you mean it. You need to be really tough; put what you want to say in writing to back up your talk if it's going to end in them shouting and not listening. Don't be put off by arguments, stomping about and sulks...let them get on with it.

I speak from experience, I had to do a minor version of this with my own some years ago....(and they were much younger too).

FunTimes2020 · 10/08/2020 07:24

I see that there is an assumption from quite a few posters that the 30 year old is male! Grin

lampshadery · 10/08/2020 07:25

I was thinking that @FunTimes2020 ! Grin

pumpkinpie01 · 10/08/2020 07:28

My dh lived at home until he was 30 , only child , lovely parents and a mum that pandered to him no incentive for him to move out at all. Boy did he move into the real world fast moving in with me - a single mum with 3 kids !

justanotherneighinparadise · 10/08/2020 07:33

I loved our my parents house late solely because I didn’t have the funds to do so earlier. I think it’s very rude to be earning s great wage and not branch out on your own. Why don’t they get a room in a shared house? Living with your parents must cramp your sex life at 30. I loved renting my own house as it meant I could do what I wanted and see who I please.

PoloNeckKnickers · 10/08/2020 07:34

I worked with a woman who never moved out. When I first started working with her -30 years ago- she was 38 and her older brother and sister also lived at home! Her parents are now dead and the three siblings still live together in the family home, and all are retired from very well paid jobs!

Seracursoren · 10/08/2020 07:34

You need to have a sit down with the eldest and ask them exactly how much money they have in their savings account so you can get the ball rolling to them moving out.

Then maybe suggest looking at what they want in a house/flat, what area they are thinking of living in and get that conversation going.

I have already had this conversation with my children and they are teenagers. They are both headed for uni (one next year) and they know they are more than welcome to come back here afterwards to save money for their own place.

However, mine do a lot of chores already even though I am a SAHM they have to learn to be functioning adults. I went to uni and house shared in first year with "adults" who couldn't even cook a supermarket pizza! Didn't clean and couldn't clean, never been taught as Mummy always did it for them. Gave me the rage.

Lurchermom · 10/08/2020 07:35

Start turning off the hot water every time they get in the shower!

TitsOutForHarambe · 10/08/2020 07:36

Christ, 330 years old, good income and savings, and does nothing around the house. Why the hell haven't you kicked them out already? You are doing them no favours

Regularname · 10/08/2020 07:37

Assuming no illness/disability (including depression it needs to stop. Charge full market rent for one bedroom flat. Although he is a lodger he is getting serviced.
I’m back with DParents during lockdown and finding the lack of independence very hard. My parents did have to push me to leave but it was the best.

TitsOutForHarambe · 10/08/2020 07:37

Oh wow. My phone changed 30 to 330... yes, a 330 year old should definitely have moved out of their mother's nest...

Pinkyyy · 10/08/2020 07:39

That's madness OP. The 30 year old needs to go and the 23 year old should at least be working towards a goal.

I wouldn't do any of the nonsense people are recommending about moving out of your own home, or trying to think of ways around it. Just tell him/her to start looking for somewhere else, and if they don't then give them an end date.

Do neither of them have spouses?

Whenwillthisbeover · 10/08/2020 07:41

It’s hard isn’t it?

DS came home from uni and started saving for a house, but it was half hearted and he continued to live a great social life. It took him three years to get his deposit together And then four months to complete on a house. Even when he got the keys he had every excuse not to move, to be fair it was a do-er up. He finally moved six months after he’d bought it and it had a new kitchen and bathroom and fully decorated bedroom. But not without telling me how upset he was that I was pushing him out of his (biggest) childhood bedroom so His 22 year old sister could move back home and not go into the box room.

She’s back now saving, but she had saved in 14 months what he saved in three years and she can’t wait to get out and into her own house.

I do think for him, he liked the security and not having to take responsibility for adult stuff. He has adapted very well though and every time I speak to him he is doing something domestic.

CountFosco · 10/08/2020 07:46

I am all for supporting young adults while they are in education but once they are working you are doing them no favours letting them live outwith their means. Use the Pa rental calculator to determine a fair charge.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2020 07:46

Have you watched the comedy film Failure to Launch? Your dcs are failing to launch. Your 30 yo sounds pretty rude, immature and manipulative using the you don’t love me card. Time for good boundaries and ignore the feet stomping. Feet stomping is for toddlers.

SloopyDoodle · 10/08/2020 07:48

Ohhhh my BIL still lives at home age 34 and my PIL have no idea whether he has any savings or plans. He works full time but they treat him like a teenager, cook all his meals and wash and iron his clothes. When we discussed this with them they said they just hope he has savings for a house one day. Hope is not good enough and I’m terrified he will end up being our problem! My MIL makes passive aggressive comments about it but still does everything for him Confused

Chicchicchicchiclana · 10/08/2020 07:52

We have a 40 year old living at home in our family. They both justify it by saying they would be lonely without each other but it's so pathetic. I genuinely worry about what will happen to him when his morher dies. I also see it as a parenting fail, as a pp said.

fatgirlslimmer · 10/08/2020 07:53

@justanotherneighinparadise
Living with your parents must cramp your sex life at 30.

It must camp the parents sex life too.

00100001 · 10/08/2020 07:56

@Chicchicchicchiclana

We have a 40 year old living at home in our family. They both justify it by saying they would be lonely without each other but it's so pathetic. I genuinely worry about what will happen to him when his morher dies. I also see it as a parenting fail, as a pp said.
If they're both happy with the arrangement, then who cares?

The problem arises when one party has had enough of the other!

Chicchicchicchiclana · 10/08/2020 07:56

If you can't read the whole thread then read the op's posts, there's only 2 of them. Op has said that the eldest is male.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 10/08/2020 07:59

No, she hasn't. She's stuck to 'they/them' throughout the two posts.

fatgirlslimmer · 10/08/2020 07:59

@CornishPastyEater that calculator would be a good point to start, you can then compare what you receive and then start on the service offered and ground rules expected.

He may leave quickly Smile