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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children still at home...

235 replies

CornishPastyEater · 09/08/2020 20:57

Hi all, my first post and I need your help, please!
Our two adult children aged 30 and 23 still live at home. The older one has a very well paid job but is showing absolutely no inclination to branch out and buy their own home, despite having told us that there are some savings and a very good income. Pays a modest monthly 'keep' but as lazy as anything and creates work.
The younger one's job has gone so is looking for other employment.
Am I being unreasonable to try to make it clear the older one needs to make their own way in the world? I'm fed up with being a constant mummy!
If I broach the subject there's always a row, shouting and stomping.
How do I make it clear change is needed?

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 10/08/2020 08:00

I wouldn’t mind my adult DCs living at home if I had the room and if they were paying their way. Makes no difference to me as I don’t ‘mummy’ my DS. He just lives his life independently, but under the same roof as me. It’s difficult for a lot of young adults to get on the property ladder. What I’m trying to say is that it’s neither wrong or right - it depends on your mindset and if you’re unhappy with the situation then you should just discuss it with your DCs.

fatgirlslimmer · 10/08/2020 08:01

or ... She may leave quickly

00100001 · 10/08/2020 08:02

@Chicchicchicchiclana

If you can't read the whole thread then read the op's posts, there's only 2 of them. Op has said that the eldest is male.
....erm....no she hasn't Confused
ScrapThatThen · 10/08/2020 08:05

SIL gave them all 3 months notice. They all launched, married, had kids. It was like magic.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 10/08/2020 08:05

Erm, yes op has ... Hmm

QweenMama · 10/08/2020 08:08

I know someone living with parents still, she’s nearly 41.
Has 172K savings (she told me one night after drink had been taken).
Doesn’t know how to use the washing machine.
Earns 35K a year, 3 holidays a year.
She gives her mum....£50 a month.
Her mum is 66 and cleans in a supermarket to pay the bills

I dont think 172k is much nowadays. Of single, she could buy a flat but does she have a pension?

That kind of money wouldn't even take you far in major cities.

Givemestrengthorgin · 10/08/2020 08:08

My SIL is back living with her parents and she is 38! Still calls her dad Daddy and will quite happily live their for the rest of her life if they will let her. She is now unemployed and is happily sponging off them and continuing to shop in Waitrose using their money. It's starting to damage my MIL and FIL's relationship. It's crazy to watch!

billy1966 · 10/08/2020 08:08

OP,

You sound a bit scared of this adult in your home who tantrums?

You also sound a bit overwhelmed?

They confuse you by making out they aren't loved?

They don't sound very lovable to me to be honest.

Very selfish and unlikeable.

You need to get your husband on board and say what you want and mean it.

Flowers
RandomTree · 10/08/2020 08:09

Where has the OP said whether the adult child is male or female?

LEELULUMPKIN · 10/08/2020 08:10

I lived with my lovely late DM until I was 34 when she passed away.

We were very happy and loved each others company. TBH if she was still alive I probably would still be with her now! :)

The point I am trying to make is that everyone is different. If it works for your family, what has it got to do with anyone else?

I don't give a toss what other people think about my accommodation arrangements and would hope that others didn't either.

However, what matters here and now is that the OP wants rid so you are just going to have to be honest Op and tell her.

BarbaraofSeville · 10/08/2020 08:12

@QweenMama

*I know someone living with parents still, she’s nearly 41. Has 172K savings (she told me one night after drink had been taken). Doesn’t know how to use the washing machine. Earns 35K a year, 3 holidays a year. She gives her mum....£50 a month. Her mum is 66 and cleans in a supermarket to pay the bills*

I dont think 172k is much nowadays. Of single, she could buy a flat but does she have a pension?

That kind of money wouldn't even take you far in major cities.

Er, it would buy a 3 bed semi in quite a nice area in these parts and many others. Outright.

Leaving a £35k salary to pay for quite a decent lifestyle, plenty of holidays still affordable.

And no, the OP hasn't said what sex either of her DC are.

QweenMama · 10/08/2020 08:14

£172k isn't much. Really, its not.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2020 08:16

Qween
Be that as it may, it’s a small fortune to that woman’s mother slogging her guts out cleaning in her twilight years.

GinDrinker00 · 10/08/2020 08:21

30 and still at home?! Confused
I’d downsize and tell them it’s time for them to make their own way in the world. There’s no excuse at 30! I was moved out and living on my own by 19.

Soubriquet · 10/08/2020 08:23

@QweenMama

£172k isn't much. Really, its not.
Considering it can buy a house outright with left over cash here, then yes it is a lot
BrutusMcDogface · 10/08/2020 08:24

@QweenMama - aren’t you missing the point, somewhat? That’s a FORTUNE compared to what I had saved before I bought my keyworker flat aged 24.

But more importantly, she is taking the absolute piss out of her poor mother, and it’s abhorrent.

GinDrinker00 · 10/08/2020 08:25

£172k would buy you two houses here! It’s plenty!

Kaiserin · 10/08/2020 08:26

The older child sounds abusive.

Bmidreams · 10/08/2020 08:26

I dont think 172k is much nowadays. Of single, she could buy a flat but does she have a pension? That kind of money wouldn't even take you far in major cities

Are you having a laugh? Do you know what kind of mortgage you can get with that??? Ffs.

QweenMama · 10/08/2020 08:28

I'm not having a laugh.

I would never be able to buy a family home with that in London. What kind of pension would I have with the leftovers? I'd also like a holiday home/investment. So to me, that's nothing.

PoloNeckKnickers · 10/08/2020 08:30

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Erm, yes op has ... Hmm
SHE HAS NOT! Sorry to shout but if you reread the OP's posts, you will notice that she has used the plural pronouns 'they/them' and has not once used the male pronoun in relation to her eldest child.
Soubriquet · 10/08/2020 08:31

You’re talking about London.

That is stupid priced anyway. Go anywhere else and you have a fortune

But that isn’t the point. The poor mother is having to work as a cleaner to pay for a roof over her and her daughters head, whilst the daughter swans off on holiday and spends what she wants.

I wonder when was the last time the mother had a holiday? I bet it’s been a while

BarbaraofSeville · 10/08/2020 08:31

Well no, it won't buy a family home in one of the most expensive cities in the world, plus provide a pension, holiday home and investments, but seeing as anyone with £172k in assets and a £35k salary is in a better financial position than most people in this country, it's very far from nothing.

Most people would bite your arm off at the chance of a mortgage free property and a decent salary to pay the bills. Only on Mumsnet would that be seen as insufficient.

CourgettiSpaghetti · 10/08/2020 08:34

£172K saved and paying £50 a month 'rent'. That's utterly shameful.
OP , use the parent rent calculator that was suggested earlier. It breaks down the monthly amount into rent, energy and food costs. Set strict guidance on jobs that should be completed around the house. Your house, your rules.

Nicolastuffedone · 10/08/2020 08:37

Don’t be my neighbour.....her two ‘children’ are still at home......they’re in their 50’s and she’s nearly 80 and she does all the cleaning/cooking/ laundry. They do nothing, absolutely nothing for her. Two cars sit at the door all weekend, if she wants to go anywhere her friend gives her a lift or she takes taxis.