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Original poster

Adult children still at home...

235 replies

CornishPastyEater · 09/08/2020 20:57

Hi all, my first post and I need your help, please!
Our two adult children aged 30 and 23 still live at home. The older one has a very well paid job but is showing absolutely no inclination to branch out and buy their own home, despite having told us that there are some savings and a very good income. Pays a modest monthly 'keep' but as lazy as anything and creates work.
The younger one's job has gone so is looking for other employment.
Am I being unreasonable to try to make it clear the older one needs to make their own way in the world? I'm fed up with being a constant mummy!
If I broach the subject there's always a row, shouting and stomping.
How do I make it clear change is needed?

OP posts:
monkeyonthetable · 10/08/2020 09:48

There's a technique to booting them out called 'reduce the comfort'. Start making it less and less comfortable for them to be in your home. Impose strict rules. Expect absolute fairness in financial contributions - 25% of council tax, water, gas and electricity rates, food bills, house maintenance. expect them to do the garden, paint the walls, wash the windows, clean the bathroom, hoover the stairs, cook and clear up meals twice a week, do the weekly shop once a month and foot the bill for it, including having to schlep to another shop or two if the usual supermarket is out of some of the things on the list. Etc etc.

If they are adults, fully pulling their weight, then in some ways their presence should make life easier for you. Your workload should be reduced by 50% due to having two other adults helping out. If they won't do this, hugely increase what you charge them to live with you and explain it is because they cause extra expense and workload for you. generally, make life fair and adult until this feels normal to them.

Meruem · 10/08/2020 09:49

My DD and DS both have ASD. They are 29&30. Both have lived out of home in the past. DD was living with a partner but the relationship broke down so she moved back in. DS was working abroad but then Covid hit and he came home. They have for years now done their own washing, cooking etc, contributed to bills. We live in London so even a room in a shared house is £600 p/m. Honestly I didn't expect them to be living at home at this age and I sometimes wonder how it would be to live alone! But they are respectful and we all have an adult relationship. I don't "mother" them anymore. It works both ways in that I can (and do) go off myself for months at a time knowing the house is being kept running and taken care of. It is harder nowadays to branch out on your own and everyone's circumstances are different. But I do think it's important to shift from that mother/child relationship to adults sharing a house for it to work.

Fairyliz · 10/08/2020 09:51

I have DD’s in their 20’s and this is extremely common especially with men. Why should they leave home when they pay little board, have everything done for them and can bring partners home whenever they want?
When I was that age (80’s), your parents wouldn’t have dreamt of letting a boyfriend stay over so that was a good push to leave home.
So MN’s with teens be a little careful when you let your child’s boyfriend/girlfriend stay over.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/08/2020 09:55

There’s def. something to be said for the olden days of my yoof, when most people’s parents were on such a different planet, we couldn’t wait to move out. Even to a grotty bedsit with a shared bathroom where other tenants left their pubes 🤮in the bath.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 10/08/2020 09:58

@Fairyliz

I have DD’s in their 20’s and this is extremely common especially with men. Why should they leave home when they pay little board, have everything done for them and can bring partners home whenever they want? When I was that age (80’s), your parents wouldn’t have dreamt of letting a boyfriend stay over so that was a good push to leave home. So MN’s with teens be a little careful when you let your child’s boyfriend/girlfriend stay over.
I think that’s probably a good tip @Fairyliz Grin.
HUCKMUCK · 10/08/2020 10:01

*I dont think 172k is much nowadays. Of single, she could buy a flat but does she have a pension?

That kind of money wouldn't even take you far in major cities.*

Are you for real? It is a massive amount to have in savings. Of course it might not buy a property outright but most people don't do that anyway - that's what mortgages are for. This person could buy a decent house with a small mortgage and have it paid off well before retirement.

Flatpackback · 10/08/2020 10:09

They need telling that by living in the parental home as adults, they are there as contributing adults, not children. This means fair shares of cooking cleaning, good shopping, meal planning etc. You're doing them no favours in the long run by letting them duck these issues. Male children need to morph into men at some point otherwise their partners get a shoddy deal and relationships fail.

Savingshoes · 10/08/2020 10:16

Put a "for sale" sign outside the home. When they ask, tell them you're bought a one bedroom flat in a remote area such as an island.
If they don't get the hint, you might need to put them out with the bins as they might be broken.

CorianderLord · 10/08/2020 10:16

23 and lost his job? V normal to stay home.

30 and not saving for a house but at home? Tel him he needs to think about leaving mummy's nest

Meruem · 10/08/2020 10:16

I find it interesting as well that people look back on their time in bedsits etc with fondness. I had to move out at age 16 and it was utterly shit. I remember one room I rented was a converted bathroom, tiny and no proper window. I cried myself to sleep every night. I would never want my DC to have to live in some of the shit places I lived in, forking out £££ for the privilege. I felt jealous of my friends living in a nice home with nice parents. All I did with my "independence" was get drunk (because I was so depressed) and sleep with unsuitable men! Ok 16 is a bit different to 30! But I have seen a lot of threads where people are saying to kick 17/18 yr olds out, saying it will be "the making of them" and maybe it will, but also maybe it won't. My life got a heck of a lot worse before it got better.

UnagiSalmonSkinRoll · 10/08/2020 10:16

My 2 brothers live at home my mum, they're 22 and 27. None of them have ever had a job and my mum does everything for them. My oldest brother has ADHD and my youngest brother has anxiety, so obviously it must be harder to go out in the big world alone. They both just stay in their rooms all day apart from getting food and they have zero life skills.
If anything was to happen to my mum, I don't know how they would cope.

Viviennemary · 10/08/2020 10:21

No. The older one needs to move out. Or start charging hotel rates. I know you wouldn't. But why would they leave if things are too comfortable. A thirty year old shouldn't be at home if they can well afford not to be or if it suits everyone involved.

Taswama · 10/08/2020 10:23

I agree that life needs to become a lot more uncomfortable for both your DC but especially the older one. With a comfortable wage, they should be making a proper contribution AND pulling their weight around the house.

UnagiSalmonSkinRoll · 10/08/2020 10:24

My 2 brothers live at home my mum, they're 22 and 27. None of them have ever had a job and my mum does everything for them. My oldest brother has ADHD and my youngest brother has anxiety, so obviously it must be harder to go out in the big world alone. They both just stay in their rooms all day apart from getting food and they have zero life skills.
If anything was to happen to my mum, I don't know how they would cope

Just to add to my above post, if me or my sister try to get involved she tells us to mind her own business. I kind of judge my mum and dad (not together) alot for it, because they are basically letting them both waste away in their room and not encouraging either of them to start becoming independent and I've already told my mum then when the time comes when she's no longer here, if they are still the same as they are now, I won't be looking after them.

Cam77 · 10/08/2020 10:25

Keep the rent as it is. But say they’ve got to cook dinner for everyone five times a week between them. And wash up. Also hoovering, washing etc five times a week. If they want to live with you as equal partners perhaps that’s ok. But if anything they should be keeping you, not the other way round. Current arrangement is taking the piss and the olde done doesn’t get a chance to grow up and be an adult. You owe him that as a parent surely.

unmarkedbythat · 10/08/2020 10:27

@QweenMama

£172k isn't much. Really, its not.
Really. It is. Look up the average savings of a uk household. Stop thinking in terms of what wealthy people have. £172k savings is a lot.
unmarkedbythat · 10/08/2020 10:30

Anyway, a child with no job but looking for one is always going to have a home with me if I can possibly manage it. A child with a good job and savings would have to pay market rate to stay, wouldn't get cooked for, laundry done etc and would find annoying house rules popping up everywhere in an attempt to show them that life in their own home would probably be a lot more fun.

Viviennemary · 10/08/2020 10:37

Only on MN could £172K savings not be much.

MoreListeningLessChatting · 10/08/2020 11:08

"shouting and stomping" whenever you broach the subject suggests these adults really haven't grown up.

As others state price the older one out of home. You are enabling the older one and so that one does nothing to move the situation forward.... quite usual nowadays. Some adult appear to be 'children' in many ways enabled by their parents.

bringbacksideburns · 10/08/2020 11:47

Queenmama and others on Mumsnet- please think before you post when you make sweeping and grandiose statements about money on Mumsnet.

Incase it's missed your bubble - times are hard. Not everything centres on London and it's affluent suburbs. It really boggles my mind that people very keen to point out how much money they need to be comfortable, and who obviously have enough intelligence to hold down very responsible and high paid jobs ( or have very comfortably off husbands) seem to be completely devoid of any knowledge of how the rest of the United Kingdom functions and the great poverty around. And it's never anywhere but here on Mumsnet.

Either it's deliberate ( which says a lot about you, frankly) or completely thoughtless.
No one should have to hide anything and honesty is welcome but a bit of sensitivity goes a long way.

zingally · 10/08/2020 11:59

My parents solved the problem by moving away!

My older sister was 28, still at home, no plans to leave, but had a serious boyfriend who lived half an hour away.
Parents announced they were putting the house up for sale and moving to rural Shropshire, 2 hours away. She wasn't coming with them. From some things that have been said, I don't think they were getting on very well by then... Sister wanted to be doing her own thing without having to answer to mum and dad. And mum and dad felt like she treated the place like a hotel, and them her unpaid slaves.

I'd moved out at 21 (3 years younger than sister, so had been moved out quite a long time) and rented a little house. There was a tiny bit of talk of sister and I getting a place together, but in the end she went and moved in with the boyfriend. They live in total squallor, dirt and dust everywhere, in a tiny ex-council house (he earns a 6-figure salary, she's on 30K plus). No one every gets invited round any more, but we've just left them to it.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 10/08/2020 12:24

I’m sympathetic to the 23 year old who’s lost their job although I’d suggest they should look to move out by 25. I’d give the 30 year old 2 month’s notice to find a rental flat or house share.

FattyBoom · 10/08/2020 12:55

@TitsOutForHarambe

£172k isn't much. Really, its not.

Ok.

MN is so surreal sometimes

It is, it's a huge amount of money. And it is disgusting that this woman is bragging about having so much in savings while her retirement age mother is still working to support them both
TorkTorkBam · 10/08/2020 13:15

You obviously have difficulty setting boundaries with your children given the behaviour you have already tolerated. Therefore I suggest you will have serious trouble becoming a hard arse, especially as they are used to a strop getting them their own way.

I think you need to downsize or at least make a very serious show of having estate agents round to value and of openly browsing tiny one bed flats on Rightmove.

Alternatively, depending on how devious you are, do the old trick of pretending to be ill and/or broke so they have to do everything and pay for everything for a little while.

dayslikethese1 · 10/08/2020 13:59

Are you doing all the washing/cleaning/cooking for them OP? Sounds like it's too cushy for them to move out. I agree with pps-increase rent for the 30 yr old and demand they both contribute to chores etc. I'd prob give the younger one longer to find a job but the older one needs to move out. I never understand how this happens as I can't imaging wanting to live with my parents now and they wouldn't have allowed it anyway.