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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what the shittest sex you ever had is?

388 replies

Magicra84 · 24/05/2020 14:39

Saw someone who absolutely insisted he wanted a proper relationship and not just FWB but the few times I saw him which led to sex he left within ten mins of sex ending. Sex was shit too. Three thrusts and he was done. Rubbish! As he was very good looking I hoped it would get better. I didn't give it chance to after he left immediately after twice.

OP posts:
peaceanddove · 26/05/2020 15:15

Jump- thrust combo has had me howling. Couldn't you have given him a box to stand on? You know, just to add the rampant sensuality of the moment Grin

My worst was a micro penis too. It actually really confused me because it was no bigger than my thumb. I reached down to caress him and actually pulled back and looked down at it, perplexed! Just couldn't recapture the moment after that.

Itsnotalwaysme · 26/05/2020 15:36

Too many to count, but the lad who used vicks vapourub as a lubricant is the most memorable Shock

NoHardSell · 26/05/2020 15:38

You could always give women a try. It's mostly just social conditioning. Strap ons in particular are a revelation, if you like penetration. Never go soft, can go for as long as you need, choose the size you like
I like both men and women. Most spectacular sex ever was with one particular man but he had slept with hundreds of women and was a medic, so knew his way around a body! Apart from him, women have been better at sex on the whole, though a few tend towards the pillow princess side of things.

Having your penis broken must surely rank high on any man's list of bad sex. Ouch!!!

JoeExoticsEyebrowRing · 26/05/2020 15:41

The Facebook scroller! 😂😂😂

YouJustDoYou · 26/05/2020 16:07

When I first got with dh he used to do stuff he'd obviously seen in porn. Slapping at my vagina with his hand, grabbing my head and shoving it down like those choking videos. Put a stop to all of that immediately and told him what I liked and luckily he was eager to please. Trouble is he is very, very large. And it's painful/highly uncomfortable almost every time, especially now we don't have time really for decent foreplay due to kids and constant never-ending tiredness. So, if we have time it Can be amazing, but most of the time it's just uncomfortable.

JoysOfString · 26/05/2020 16:11

You could always give women a try.

Well yes in theory, but I don't fancy it! The thought of it does nothing for me. Still I'll try to stay open-minded in case there's an opportunity.

What's a pillow princess?

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 26/05/2020 16:15

Pillow princess - "a slang phrase that describes someone, mostly an LGBTQ woman, who prefers to receive sexual stimulation more than they do to give it."

wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 26/05/2020 17:05

I've had drunken sex with a woman - it was ace!

buggeroffvirus · 26/05/2020 17:17

A long time ago I went to bed with man and he was like an ironing board and very small. So much so that I thought he had stopped so I got out of bed to use the loo. When I came back he had a right face on him and said "I hadn't finished".

Apirateslifeforme · 26/05/2020 17:35

The sex that never was...
I met him in a bar, whilst he was working. I was 19, and he was about 25 and so funny. We had great chemistry.
I couldn't wait to drag that mans trousers off! I really couldn't, but we liked each other.
We went put for coffees, dinners, hung out together, nights out drinking, then it happened.
This beautiful, funny man who have me butterflies had not even a chipolata, it was like a cocktail sausage.
It was like a fucking cocktail sausage. It wasnt worth me taking my underwear off for.
So I put it in my mouth, fully erect it didnt hit my back teeth.
And the worst bit...he started talking dirty. Oh you Take my big cock in your mouth! Take my big cock! It was hard not to laugh.

You see..he had to go because I'd just unexpectedly "got my period" and my tummy was really sore.

We didnt see each other again after that.
Were on facebook and everytime he gets a new girlfriend I just feel terribly sorry for her.

HollyCarrot · 26/05/2020 17:49

I was once with someone who literally showered me with sweat. ONS luckily but a housemate of my best mate so a tad awkward.

MissConductUS · 26/05/2020 18:14

All of these reports of tiny penises have me a bit surprised. I've only encountered what I'd consider average or better. I don't know whether to attribute that to good luck or being outside the UK. Grin

Saturdaysnotforexercise · 26/05/2020 18:21

Worst - bloke with persistent dysfunction. Just so frustrating and awful for us both. Brilliant guy in other respects and has now married so I don’t know how that’s working out.

Best - amazing in all respects ... except married with 3 kids. Bastard. Has spoiled it for all the others too ...

alltoomuchrightnow · 26/05/2020 18:40

Saturdaysnotforexercise , mine too.. (best) hope it wasn't the same person! Amazing, has ruined me for ever, no one else compares.. (and yes he lied re being estranged from wife.. he had two kids...went back her.. although not sure if was ever truly apart! and had another kid..)

Saturdaysnotforexercise · 26/05/2020 19:46

! Who knows ... he was a personal trainer, cliched enough I suppose. With a well practiced cover story etc. (And a massive size ...)

ThisIsGonnaHurt · 26/05/2020 20:16

It is awful mentioning small penises but small is one thing, micro is another. The guy I was with was so small I went to put it in my hand and there was literally no length at all to hold. He wasnt fully hard (or maybe not hard at all) and there was literally nothing there. We had already had way too much to drink so it was never going to be that great anyway. I just couldn't fancy him after that. I used to get the 'ick' really easily.

Haffiana · 26/05/2020 20:38

All of these reports of tiny penises have me a bit surprised. I've only encountered what I'd consider average or better. I don't know whether to attribute that to good luck or being outside the UK.

There is another thread in Classics Penetration Man which is also full of very small and micro-penises. It must be more common than we think. I have never seen one personally.

Pericombobulations · 26/05/2020 20:59

I too have experienced two jack hammerers! Both very disappointing, the first spoke like he was an Adonis with all these women throwing themselves at him.

One who niether of us had any condoms, but he was so desperate to just "try it", but couldnt even find where to put his dick so nothing ever really happened.

Then there was my first long time boyfriend, he was into "long sessions". One of these, it got so boring that I feel asleep. He didnt notice! He was into very hardcore porn and was abusive too.

Then we have DH. Now we first did it after a marathon foreplay where I hadnt intended to have sex with him, but by the end I wanted to. He unsurprisingly didnt last very long. I was hopeful and went back for seconds, when things were more successful

Never personally seen a micro dick, but an old friend told the tale of one, she had been desperate to sleep with, took his pants off and presented her with a tiny one. She just couldnt go through with it and said goodbye immediately.

JoysOfString · 26/05/2020 21:04

Really not wishing to centre male experience, but it must be awful. It's something that's seen as fine to joke and be mean about.

I have encountered one, it was on a one-night stand so not a long-term issue for me, and I tried to be reassuring but I've often it must be tough.

JoysOfString · 26/05/2020 21:05

thought

Evasmummy2019 · 26/05/2020 21:10

Not going to lie, I've never had shitty sex. I've slept with several people and most I've had really good chemistry with. My ex of 4 years was an absolute animal in bed but he was an absolute fucking phycho out of it! My husband I'd say is the worst. But it's mainly because of hygiene issues and me not wanting to

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 26/05/2020 21:10

Really not wishing to centre male experience, but it must be awful. It's something that's seen as fine to joke and be mean about.

Yes it’s the worst thing a man can imagine - someone laughing about them. Meanwhile women are worried men will kill them. If you’re worried about men having their say about poor sexual experiences, take a peek at that UK Punters site where men rate the prostitutes they’ve used and complain about them not being attractive or keen enough, seeming like they’re off their face on drugs (no shit Sherlock!) etc

A few (mainly) women on a (mainly) women site having a giggle about some jackhammering doesn’t quite compare.

Abagobones · 26/05/2020 21:12

My first ever lesbian sex.

She just put her head in my shoulder and straddled my thigh and hunoed it till she came. Twice. Then went to sleep.

It actually got infinitley better with her. It was the first time with a woman for both of us.

I did just lie there looking up with a face like Hmm

edwinbear · 26/05/2020 21:31

FWB who I desperately fancied. He was my electrician and my days the sparks flew, but he was always too busy to meet. Last time we did, we’d not seen each other for about 6 weeks, I paid for the hotel, his parking and my Uber home ( I always paid for everything the mug I was). He arrived in the car park at 6pm, it was all over by 6.18pm, including us waiting for the lift, taking our clothes off etc. After he’d cum I was still horny as fuck but he appeared to lose the use of his fingers and tongue and just lay there chuckling to himself.

He waited long enough to get hard again for the obligatory BJ then fucked off home. Leaving me stood in the pissing rain waiting for my Uber. Having shelled out around £150 I had to go home and have a wank.

Not seen him since.

Pinktornado · 26/05/2020 21:39

ONS with a genuinely lovely mate-of-a-mate who was tall and slim but when he took his clothes off he was actually skeletally thin. The sex was missionary and he was banging away on top when I noticed a throbbing pain in my inner thighs. It was his hips - they were so pointy that they actually left me bruised and sore walking the next day. After all that banging he never came either. The next morning I could not find my bra anywhere. But he’d made me breakfast so I had to sit there with his flatmates in my night out clothes and no bra. We emailed politely for a couple of years after - I wished him well!