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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what the shittest sex you ever had is?

388 replies

Magicra84 · 24/05/2020 14:39

Saw someone who absolutely insisted he wanted a proper relationship and not just FWB but the few times I saw him which led to sex he left within ten mins of sex ending. Sex was shit too. Three thrusts and he was done. Rubbish! As he was very good looking I hoped it would get better. I didn't give it chance to after he left immediately after twice.

OP posts:

YouJustDoYou · 25/05/2020 08:50

@GinDaddyRedux are you a guy by any chance?

YesILikeItToo · 25/05/2020 08:50

A one night stand with a friend, we drank a bit, got in the bed, and agreed after a bit that ‘this isn’t very, er, sexy, is it?’ ‘Not really, no’.

That’s not really that bad at all, I must be very lucky.

Pleasenodont · 25/05/2020 08:50

I had a big crush on a barista in a Starbucks I frequented years ago, he was French and had huge crushing dark eyes and olive skin. I honestly thought he was a total dreamboat so I decided to give him my number one day and see what happened. He text me almost straight away and we text back and forth a few times before deciding to meet for a date. I was so unbelievably excited, I thought he was some sort of Adonis.

We had a nice date, went back to his and I remember thinking it was going to be incredible sex purely because he was so physically attractive. Probably my own fault for building it up too much but he lasted less than a minute then went to sleep... I snuck out of his flat when he was asleep and blocked his number.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 25/05/2020 08:51

1 guy ... I didnt even know if he actually had a penis.
It was so small that i felt awkward that this guy thought it was going to be going in....

tenlittlecygnets · 25/05/2020 08:58

Oh god, stop with spitting stories! They make me feel 🤮

dudsville · 25/05/2020 08:58

Another one here with 99%unpleasant or disappointing experiences, but it started that way. My worst was my first. I was 18, had just moved to a new town on my own, after having moved every year for a decade and used to being quite independent, I thought i was ready to have sex and knew i didn't want to wait to be in love or anything, just wanted to try it. A guy said he'd love to be my first (vom). I felt nothing, no excitement, no interest. Afterward he spoke to his out of town girlfriend (i was fairly detached and didn't care, but it gives a sense of the environment) and i sat in the living room trying to look like i was in a stupor or slightly disturbed, i wasn't, i was just an untethered 18 year old waiting to ask him for a lift home and pretending a sense of depth for the occasion. I don't regret my decision making at the time. Prior to this there had been nice boys who were in love with me but i didn't want to mislead them into thinking i wanted a meaningful relationship. After that i mostly avoided ons's but I'm now a decade into celibacy and much happier to have that time over with. When i see people on tv portraying beautiful sex i do wish i could have that experience but i don't feel I'm cut out for it. Not everyone gets to experience everything in life, and i have a fabulous life and am very happy, it's just that sex doesn't make sense to me and I've never met a man who seemed to understand it either, so I've accepted that.

muckycat · 25/05/2020 09:00

Not the worst I suppose but the most disappointing was with some handsome twat I had fallen very quickly in love with but who dropped me. He then picked me back up in a bar one night, sweet talked his way into my bed for the rest of the weekend and we had a few minutes, twice of really boring sex that was all about him having the best views and stimulation. I really wanted him to like me so I pulled out the stops being 'great in bed'. He then dropped me again. Lessons learnt, my friends.

Ursula2001 · 25/05/2020 09:01

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peperethecat · 25/05/2020 09:02

I had a summer fling with a man who turned out to have a very large penis. Unfortunately he thought that because it was so big he didn't need to make any effort, whereas the opposite was true.

Ursula2001 · 25/05/2020 09:04

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FurForksSake · 25/05/2020 09:04

A french guy who spent hours massaging me and licking me. I was petrified of him after that. Made all the better when he then stalked me for months.

Guy with a bend. It hurt, a lot.

And finally the ex of a friend. She'd always spoken about how amazing he was, absolutely preached. He chased me for ages after the split. I told him no, I'd be his friend but no more. And then one night it happened. Things were going well, he was a reasonable kisser and good with his hands. The guy was 6ft 6, had massive hands and feet. I was excited. It was an inch long. I had to fake a migraine as it was too awful to continue after a minute.

ScreamingBeans · 25/05/2020 09:05

Most of it.

The sexual revolution was a revolution for men.

For women, same old same old. Shit sex. OK, you can have it outside of marriage and you won't get pregnant, but the quality is the same as it was when women were advised to lie back and think of England.

What do you call a woman who has an orgasm every time she has sex?

A lesbian.

EngagedAgain · 25/05/2020 09:05

This thread is in some respects hilarious, but at the same time I can't help thinking about how these selfish, sexually incompetent men use women.

bumbleb33s · 25/05/2020 09:05

@OuzoWoozo I am pissing myself laughing at your post 😂

planningaheadtoday · 25/05/2020 09:08

I had a first boyfriend in my teens, I was very inexperienced so didn't know it wasn't normal.

He was very good looking but I now know he had a micro penis. He was always asking how it was feeing once he was in. I was a bit naive and thought it was because I was so large that I couldn't feel him. So I apologised and said I really couldn't feel anything and it upset him terribly.

Fully aroused It was the size of a small chipolata, buffet type.....

MattBerrysHair · 25/05/2020 09:12

The really terrible sex has been with people who bring their anxiety to bed with them and couldn't get lost in the moment because they were worried about PE, the size of their penis, or whether I had an orgasm or not. Me having an orgasm didn't make a difference to the overall experience as their anxiety blocked any sense of connection. There have been 4 people where this was a problem. 3 were one-offs and the other was my exdh. One of them was obsessed with the our bodies making a 'slapping' noise as we moved and thought that no slapping meant it was crap. When I asked why he wanted there to be that noise he just said 'you know, like in porn'. It was really terrible...

Fortunately dp is amazing.

Aprilbaby2020 · 25/05/2020 09:13

Nearly all of my sexual experiences have been bad, all about the man and his needs. I’m amazed at how many grown men do not understand the biology of a woman - it’s depressing!
One guy I had a relationship with however was outstanding and did give me hope but now I’m scared I’ll never have sex like that again

JoysOfString · 25/05/2020 09:17

The worst was with a boyfriend who was too big. I have had very small as well and while it’s not ideal, I prefer it to too big. I’ve had a few jackhammer experiences as well. But I agree that mood is important. Not-great sex with a wonderful man isn’t so disastrous if there’s love and respect and fun.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 25/05/2020 09:19

Problem is most guys who are amazing in bed are players or have shagged shitloads of women. Wise words indeed.

I think sexual chemistry is a massive part of it too though. That 'electricity' can turn into something magical that's so much more than the sum of the people involved (both or neither of whom may be sexual athletes at other times).

SinisterBumFacedCat · 25/05/2020 09:20

Problem is most guys who are amazing in bed are players or have shagged shitloads of women.

I briefly dated a guy who told me he had slept with over 100 women. He could not orgasm, also said he never did. The whole thing just felt really boring and like he was some kind of disengaged Adonis doing me a service. Made me wonder if the reason he had slept with so many women was because they never went back for more.

I think aside from ONS I have been pretty lucky with my partners. One thing I really used to hate was when I was teenager boys were obsessed with sucking your ear. I don’t know if this still goes on or it was a 90’s thing. I’d emerge with a wet ear and soggy hair, about the most unerotic thing in the world.

MarieQueenofScots · 25/05/2020 09:20

The one who had made his own song about his dick to “I’ve got a little something for you” was a particular lowlight.

I just fucked him because I felt sorry for him

megrichardson · 25/05/2020 09:20

With my ex. It started off alright but as the years went on and he became increasingly controlling and nasty, we continued to have sex because I wanted to keep the peace/pacify him. And my goodness I hated every moment.

MakingAComment · 25/05/2020 09:20

This is a bit different, in that most of the sex was OK, but when he came the volume was crazy. Initially I was surprised, a few times I looked with amazement, but after a few weeks the cleanup logistics were a chore plus at 20 I was falling for someone new.

Queenoftheashes · 25/05/2020 09:21

Oh yeah the spitting reminded me my biter also drooled on me on occasion. And we did that slapping noise but only because we gained weight and our stomachs slapped together!
When attempting to breach my virginity I’m pretty sure he lost his erection but carried on pretending it was in anyway... I’m to this day not sure whether I lost it then or the next time. I think it went in for a second but then he was just sort of flopping it against me.
He’s married to a very quiet German now, the poor woman.

Bananalanacake · 25/05/2020 09:23

An older man who would say, "guide me inside you", when he was on top. I found it really nauseating

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