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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what the shittest sex you ever had is?

388 replies

Magicra84 · 24/05/2020 14:39

Saw someone who absolutely insisted he wanted a proper relationship and not just FWB but the few times I saw him which led to sex he left within ten mins of sex ending. Sex was shit too. Three thrusts and he was done. Rubbish! As he was very good looking I hoped it would get better. I didn't give it chance to after he left immediately after twice.

OP posts:
maudspellbody · 26/05/2020 11:41

Guy I was dating who had a really massive cock. He made me bleed a few times too.

But that wasn't the main issue.

About the third time, we were at his place and he reached over and pulled out a MASSIVE carrier bag full of dildos and clamps and a full on gimp mask.

I was taken aback, but hey... some people have kinks. Ok. Not into it, but that's my issue...

Then I asked when he was going to do with that stuff and he said 'I want to stretch your pussy. I want me and three of those in you.'

Er..no thanks.

We stopped dating after that.

ginandbearit · 26/05/2020 11:58

Bloke reporting sort of bad sex here ..Way back in the seventies I was seeing a girl whose parents were very liberal and right on ..I was fresh out of boarding school and pretty clueless...but knew generally parents not keen on their daughters having sex at home if at all . Julia's (not name) mum and dad were very open about sex and relationships and encouraged both Julia and her sister to bring boyfriends back . Their house was modern split level , parents bedroom was downstairs, and mum was a tall strapping woman in her early fifties and dad was a smaller guy a little older. I was embarrassed enough to be ushered upstairs and into Julias bedroom , once we were alone and cuddling Julia stopped everything and burst into tears..I asked what was wrong ..."I cant ..it's mum ...listen " and very shortly after that we heard her mum yodelling away having loud and prolonged sex downstairs .."she does this every time.."
It did seem that mum's competetive shagging was a regular feature ...reader we didnt do it that night or ever at her house ..

blackandredball · 26/05/2020 12:32

referred to our bits as “he” and “she” eg “he loves it when she squeezes him like that”.

🤮

MellowMelly · 26/05/2020 12:34

For me it was an ex who grinned manically throughout and repetitively looked left and right during sex like he was checking to see if a road was all clear to cross it.
I dumped him when he told me that his mate wanted to sleep with me and when I asked him what he had said to that he said ‘well I told him to ask you’ (like I was piece of meat to be passed round) Hmm

alltoomuchrightnow · 26/05/2020 12:48

Mellow, that made me chuckle...so you weren't actually shagging in the road?!

Fallsballs · 26/05/2020 12:53

One was guy thrashing around and being all snogs and sexy feels and then nothing, I think he thought he was in me or was unsure what was happening but it was really weird. And then he looked me in the eyes trying to be all deep, his bald head glistening in the moonlight and purred “will you be my lover”. Like fuck I will baldy.

alltoomuchrightnow · 26/05/2020 12:54

I'm sure we've had this post before and I've posted similar..but...
when I was young and seeing a guy 20 yrs older, a total neanderthal, he was about 6ft 5 with a huge dick but thought this was reason for no foreplay whatsover... he nearly killed me with it.. and he'd strut around the room saying he was 'randy as a ram' in his strong Yorkshire accent. He'd literally be snarling and puffing up his chest like a deranged oversexed pigeon . And for all his amazing physique he wore saggy dad type y-fronts. He would also talk about me making him 'wet' all the time.
There was also the first boyfriend who I lost my virginity to, who would never call a vagina a vagina.. it was always twee names like Minnie Mouse, or Mrs Honeypot...I cheated on him within months with a Johnny Depp lookalike and who could blame me! ;)

alltoomuchrightnow · 26/05/2020 12:54

Oh and the honeypot guy would also refer to his fingers as bad boys....before we did the deed he was referring to my virginity and that he'd break me in using 'these bad boys' first.

MulticolourMophead · 26/05/2020 12:55

Sex with my ex was hit and miss.

Sometimes it would be great, many times it was not.

The great times were when he'd actually listen to me about what he did that was nice. The not great times were when he decided he knew better than me what I liked. These times became the norm by the end of the relationship.

I don't like anal, but he kept on at me for it, and never used lube the very, very few times I agreed to try, even though I got it out ready. He also didn't believe me when I said it was painful. And he was a lousy kisser, would leave my face feeling wet and yucky, and like I'd been too close to a suction pump.

Hoggleludo · 26/05/2020 12:58

I always found the better looking the man. The worse he was at sex. Because he’d never had to try!

My dh is good though. He’s also good looking. (To me anyway).

The worst is a guy who had a very tiny penis. He was sooooo good looking though. But it was 3 inches hard.

I remember being so disappointed!

Mbc124 · 26/05/2020 12:59

I’ve only had really good sex consistently with one person. All the rest have been Meh.

Such a pity that relationship ended. Good sex is good for the mind.

alltoomuchrightnow · 26/05/2020 13:02

I was engaged , yes engaged, to a guy I could right a book of horror stories about.. he turned me off so much in the end that I never wanted sex... talking about his 'bit of dirty meat to put inside his little girl' (he'd pull it out of his shorts , leering at me as if I would just drop my knickers at the sight), when he was about to come he'd yell 'here it comes! here it comes!' , he'd get me to pretend I was a teenage virgin and he was hurting me, etc...and call me his cumbucket... Puke.

Spamellahamella · 26/05/2020 13:11

I don't know, it was all a bit crap in my twenties. There was a lot of experimenting. My first boyfriend and I learnt together. I remember good times but also awkwardness and quite a bit of soreness. My second boyfriend was experimental. We tried anal at his behest which I didn't like at all. We also tried this thing he called 'squidging' which involved rolling around on a bin liner covered in baby oil. I didn't like that either. He was disappointed in me, I remember him sadly telling me he thought I'd be his sexual awakening but I hadn't lived up to his expectations.
After that there were a few muddled through experiences with other people. A couple of virgins, one whose willly I broke and made bleed. Some premature ejaculations, once fully clothed while kissing, and lots of never ending thrusting.
My best sex was definitely as I got older. My last boyfriend before my husband just did something to me. It was a connection. The first time I met him I felt it in my loins. We couldn't stop shagging, we'd go out for a walk and we'd end up in the bushes. It took us a year to break up because, even though we couldn't get on by then, we couldn't stop doing it. My husband and me have my favourite sex. He is the only person I have had a penetrative orgasm with, and now I can do it, it is a regular thing. We don't vary our routine much now, and we haven't done it out of a bed in ages and never outside, but it is the best sex because we know what works and it is pure pleasure. Out of the last two partners I have mentioned one had a big willy and one a small willy. To me neither was an issue. I definitely wouldn't make an issue about a small one before I found out how it could be used.
I've never had anything nasty happen to me like weeing or spitting or choking. I'm glad I am older and not of this pornhub generation.

alltoomuchrightnow · 26/05/2020 13:23

'Squidging' OMG Spam!

roarfeckingroar · 26/05/2020 13:50

@Tulipstulips 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 for calling out the centring of men's feelings YET AGAIN

wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 26/05/2020 14:06

A drunk boyfriend once fell asleep on top of me mid-shag.

I couldn't move him and lay there crying until he woke up.

EmeliaLily · 26/05/2020 14:10

A bad one that springs to mind is chilli.

My boyfriend at the time had cut up chilling for his lunch, and then his wandering hands lingered on a rather intimate part of my body which then got utterly set on FIRE!!!
Imagine yogurt being applied in places it never should be... bad bad bad

EmeliaLily · 26/05/2020 14:11

@wrongsideofhistorymyarse omg
I'd be so mad lol

EmeliaLily · 26/05/2020 14:12

@Mbc124 I think the person I've been the most sexually compatible with, has been the worst person to date though! Unfortunately sometimes good sex and good man does not fit right in the same sentence.

JanewaysBun · 26/05/2020 14:13

A penis that was far too large. It didn't really go in all the way and was just painful. Had to stop.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 26/05/2020 14:19

@EmiliaLily that's true too. I definitely had the best sexual chemistry (and sex) with someone who broke my heart (and nearly my spirit). Had the misfortune to have to meet them a couple of years down the line for work. We actually had a very civilised lunch but the spark was definitely still there. Fortunately I was strong enough to just walk away and not look back.

Whatisthisfuckery · 26/05/2020 14:22

Oh my god some of these are utterly hideous. Seems like a lot of men really don’t care about whether their sexual partner is enjoying themselves, and even more sadly some seem to get off on causing pain.

I only had sex with one man, which is one too many for me. It was my ex husband. The only saving grace, if there was one, is that he was always done in less than 10 seconds.

Thankfully I finally came out as a lesbian and everything changed.the joke PP made up thread about what do you call a woman who has an orgasm every time she has sex isn’t far wrong.

It’s such a shame women can’t control what sex of person they’re attracted to. If they could most blokes wouldn’t get a second shag.

I don’t know what’s wrong with a lot of blokes. Womens’ bodies are amazing, and we can go all night if we want to.

JoysOfString · 26/05/2020 14:43

It’s such a shame women can’t control what sex of person they’re attracted to.

OMG yes. If I could be a lesbian at this stage of my life (50s) I think it would be worth looking for a loving relationship and I'd have a decent chance. (Not to mention all the much better sex :o)

As it is I seem to be totally straight and with all the horror stories (not just this thread - I mean about OLD and men generally, and looking at the men I know) I just can't face trying to date or embark on anything. Either Mr Right just wanders into my life at million-to-one odds, or I wake up miraculously gay, or I spend the rest of my life being a celibate cat lady (not the worst thing that could happen I realise).

MellowMelly · 26/05/2020 15:00

@alltoomuchrightnow
Haha! No we weren’t in the road, that would of been far too dangerous.

We kept it to the pavements... Wink

Iwalkinmyclothing · 26/05/2020 15:05

With someone who did not believe that I liked what I liked and was sure that if he stuck to what he had been told women liked (gentle, romantic stuff) I would find out that actually, no, I didn't know my own desires and preferences and what I really wanted was to be bored stiff by a load of stomach turningly boring vanilla bullshit made love to softly.