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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what the shittest sex you ever had is?

388 replies

Magicra84 · 24/05/2020 14:39

Saw someone who absolutely insisted he wanted a proper relationship and not just FWB but the few times I saw him which led to sex he left within ten mins of sex ending. Sex was shit too. Three thrusts and he was done. Rubbish! As he was very good looking I hoped it would get better. I didn't give it chance to after he left immediately after twice.

OP posts:
Tillygetsit · 26/05/2020 00:48

Oh and the one who roared like a lion when he came.

Iwantcollarbones · 26/05/2020 01:11

The guy who didn’t thrust from the hips. He literally slid his body up and down mine until he came. I felt chafed from my neck to my knees.

Sunny4876 · 26/05/2020 01:23

Weirdly the worst sex was with the only a I've been in love/limerance with,he was so much more experienced than me(swinger,sex parties etc)and I could count on one hand my sexual partners at 32.He had all the technique but just made me feel absolute shit at sex to the point that I just didn't ever want to have it,which was said as we could literally talk for 5 hours straight about anything and everything and just clicked in every way but that.

ALongHardWinter · 26/05/2020 01:40

Flightsoffancy OMG a similar thing happened to me quite a few years ago! He'd seemed so nice but when we were in bed,he was like a bloody jackhammer. I was just relieved when he'd finished. Then when I stood up to go the bathroom,I noticed blood running down my legs. He casually said 'Oh you've started your period'. No I bloody well hadn't! I had a Mirena and hadn't had anything vaguely resembling a period for 10 years.
I got rid of him as quickly as possible,saying I didn't feel too good (which I didn't). I had no intention of seeing him again but thankfully enough,I never heard anything more from him.

ALongHardWinter · 26/05/2020 01:48

MomPubis 'Not a little gurgle.....an actual cavernous wet rumble. I felt my cheeks inflate'.
OMG that is hilarious! Grin

FabiosMullet · 26/05/2020 02:24

So many Blush

Guy who shouted his own name as he came. Jim Jim Jim Jim jimjim Jim jimjim Jim Jim jimjimjimjimjimjimjim...

The rugby player I really fancied who was great fun (and wooed me with the great line “my cock might only be 4 inches long, but there’s 20 stone of muscle behind it”).
Sadly, none of that translated between the sheets and he basically wanted me to do all the work.

Guy who pinned me down then roared “who’s daddy’s dirty little cum bucket???” as he came.

The facelicker.

And the very TMI one (you’ve been warned)-
long term boyfriend who had a very long, slim penis. We tried anal for the first time and, when he pulled out, I noticed a tiny little smear of poo on the tip BlushBlushBlush

managedmis · 26/05/2020 02:40

Went back to my room, he was hopeless. I got up at one point and threw up in the bathroom, I don't think he noticed. I was lying there like a dead duck

^

Brilliant Grin

Miss those uni days eh

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 26/05/2020 03:56

I lost my cherry to a much older man : I was only just 16 and very naive. Sadly I believed everything he told me but there was only one thing he needed from me. He took it too far when he wanted anal sex. I didn’t know what was happening. It was so painful. I couldn’t tell anybody, I felt so dirty. He wouldn’t leave me alone until I threatened to tell my father ( which I would never have done ). Lesson learned , I kept my knickers on until I met my husband at university. Enjoyed a good sex life ever since.

begoniapot · 26/05/2020 09:32

One guy who did it in a sex by numbers way. Just awful

burntthebread · 26/05/2020 09:48

Best was a ONS with a short skinny guy, not my usual type but christ could he talk the talk. Sex was amazing, he was super strong despite appearances, large penis, knew what he was doing and continued with the talk the whole time.

This was pre-mobile phones and he rang his house from mine while I was out of the room so he do 1471 when he got home.

I was tempted to see him again but I knew he was something of a bad lad so I didn't.

burntthebread · 26/05/2020 09:51

Worst was a guy I hugely fancied for ages, I always imagined he'd be great in bed but when it finally happened it was awful. He was tiny, the absolute tiniest penis I've seen. Came within 5 seconds. Size doesn't always matter, I dated a man with a massive penis and it was uncomfortable for me, but this guy's small thing really was neither use nor ornament when it came to sex.

MindBoggles · 26/05/2020 09:56

Actually twice:

One guy who basically went in me once and came! I couldn't believe it!

Second guy just he was so so big and I just couldn't even go anywhere near having him and it all got very very awkward as he couldn't understand but I just clammed up and said I can't do this .

MindBoggles · 26/05/2020 09:58

Sorry three times - last day of uni - absolutely hammered I sobered up not sure he did - he thought he'd had the best time of his life the next morning - I literally didn't feel a thing! He was short so I'm thinking a teensy penis?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 26/05/2020 10:01

This thread should be nominated for Classics. The inflating cheeks and game of subbuteo have made my sides ache!

Silenceisnotgolden · 26/05/2020 10:09

These posts are both awful and brilliant. @Dieu I’m crying at the vegetarian. I can imagine some prehistoric savage with blood in his teeth and I cannot unsee it!

I once had a ons with someone absolutely high on coke. I didn’t realise it at the time, and was really concerned as he was grinning manically like the joker Grin and jackhammering, whilst whispering: “you fucking love that, don’t you?”

I just ‘put on a happy face’ and called a taxi as quickly as possible

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/05/2020 10:15

You've just reminded me about the 'by the numbers' sex!

Not necessarily bad as such, but it was almost as if he was being directed from above...'tweak nipples...two three...stroke clit...two three..get it in...two three...thrust thrust...two three..now, leg over shoulder...two three'

I'd just be getting there and he'd change position or what he was doing, so I spent the whole time right on the edge and he was so busy trying to keep to the 'schedule' in his head that he was oblivious! It was more like a dance routine than sex.

Acimendo · 26/05/2020 10:16

Sadly too many experiences when I think back. There was one who would bite my nipple and shake his head about like a dog with a toy. The one who took his clothes off and was wearing white y fronts that had no back to them, just straps that went around his waist and under his buttocks. The one who put really cheesy soft rock porn on to get us in the mood. The one who forgot I was even underneath him as he banged away and we slid up the bed until I was L-shaped against the headboard. The worst one though was while I was having sex I felt another hand stroking my leg and looked to see his naked flat mate standing next to us. I know this is a whole other situation but that certainly gave me a huge reality check!

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 26/05/2020 10:25

@Silenceisnotgolden oh dear (with the high on coke experience). I once had a short on/off fling with a young chef. They were unable to perform because of high levels of drugs in their system (combo of coke and speed methinks). So much for youthful vigour!

Silenceisnotgolden · 26/05/2020 10:40

@NewModelArmyMayhem I think it’s pretty common amongst certain younger crowds. This guy was behaving like a maniac - i thought I was in some sort of bizarre Halloween porno Confused

JoysOfString · 26/05/2020 10:50

FabiosMullet the poo! Shock

Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww

This is one of several reasons why I just can't even contemplate bumsex.

MomsPubis · 26/05/2020 11:01

I've never told anyone irl about the cheek inflater, it was such a minute act compared to everyone else's stories... but so grim! 🤢

shootmenow2020 · 26/05/2020 11:30

I had a one night stand with a guy who tried to repeatedly choke me during sex, it was awful. I couldn't wait to get out of there. He was the biggest prick. How is that ever attractive?

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 26/05/2020 11:34

Could add a whole new nuance to the expression "here's Johnny" @Silenceisnotgolden Grin. Poor you at the time though.

Some of these recollections are grim though. Flowers to those of you who had to go through the experience.

copycopypaste · 26/05/2020 11:37

I remember a one night stand, he was on top and it was just 'in/out in/out' slowly with no passion, no nothing or change of pace, I got so bored I asked him to get off, I went to bed and gave him a pillow and blanket and told him he could sleep on the sofa if he couldn't get a taxi.

Likethebattle · 26/05/2020 11:39

Not shit but awkward. I was in a bad place and started to see an ex but i wasn’t really interested. We went on a night out with one of his mates that I always fancied. We stayed at the friends flat to avoid having to get the Last train etc. Ex was such a drama queen that cute friend offered him his bed. I stayed in living room with cute friend and we had sex (although I was hanging around with ex we hadn’t had sex again or even confirmed we were going out again we were more like strange friends). Ex walked in on us just at the crucial moment, I was drunk and said ‘wow you never did that to me!’

When I checked my phone later ex had sent me a text asking me to come to bed with him Blush