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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you carry on letting grandparents see child after this?

511 replies

Slidetotheleft · 20/05/2020 07:19

DD's (5) father disappeared off the face of the earth 12 months ago. Has paid no maintenance since then. Currently owes over 3k and counting.

DDs grandparents (his parents) know where he is but refuse to tell me. Their argument is that he is trying to rebuild his business/life and cannot do that with the maintenance people on his back. He hasn't even sent DD a birthday card or anything at xmas. The maintenance people cannot find him, his parents know where he is but refuse to tell me and if DD asks them they say they don't know (not sure how long they can carry that on for).

They are currently still seeing DD twice a month (not during lockdown). And speak to her once a week on the phone.

My question is WIBU to say actually whilst you cannot be honest with me or DD I don't want her in your care. I DO NOT want to do this, DD enjoys their company and they love seeing her.

But it really really gets to me that they are happy to see her go without the support she deserves and to actually lie to her face when she asks where her daddy is.

What would you do?

OP posts:
User8563029648123578 · 20/05/2020 07:20

They are not good people and they wouldn’t be in my child’s life.

Original poster
Slidetotheleft · 20/05/2020 07:24

My worry is that she has already lost her daddy. I'd like her to have as much extended family as possible. If I take her grandparents away from her thats on me. If she continues to see them she will realise when shes old enough that they have lied to her for years. But do I let her be lied to for years!

OP posts:
ArthurandJessie · 20/05/2020 07:25

This is so difficult OP ! I think DD should carry on seeing them it's not her fault and you would be punishing her by not letting her see her Grandparents. Their attitude though is disgusting ! What a horrible situation !

fuckinghellthisshit · 20/05/2020 07:26

There is absolutely no chance that they would ever see my child, they are liars who do not put her first. If I were you next item they ring and ask for dd I’d claim not to know where she was and when questioned I’d reply ‘We’re trying to rebuild our lives, we can’t do that with you on our backs’; I would literally parrot back what they are saying to you. If they go berserk so what. It is not your role to facilitate this relationship and they will be providing him with photos/info and enabling his appalling behaviour.

GreenGill · 20/05/2020 07:27

Ouch that's difficult.
I'd definitely be honest with her and say her grandparents do know where daddy is but won't say and then leave it up to her how she feels about them.
I'd limit visits to once a month at the very least.

otterbaby · 20/05/2020 07:28

I wouldn't. You could continue the phone calls but I wouldn't let her see them. They clearly have very different ethics that I wouldn't want my child brought up around. Also, I'm a little petty.

Divebar · 20/05/2020 07:28

I actually wouldn’t no - I don’t know how they have the nerve to sit with their grandchild knowing that their precious son has washed his hands of all responsibilities- they’re a disgrace. An utter disgrace.

Frariedeamin · 20/05/2020 07:28

I think their actions have made is clear they prioritise their son over their DGC and I would cut contact before your DD realises this for herself and has to be involved in that fallout.

Fanthorpe · 20/05/2020 07:28

I’d say all three of them lack any sense of right and wrong and they think it’s fine to shirk responsibility. I wouldn’t be in touch with them.

WatchingFromTheWings · 20/05/2020 07:29

I'd cut them off completely.

Original poster
Slidetotheleft · 20/05/2020 07:30

'providing him with photos and info'

THIS particularly drives me mad. I know 100% they will be doing this and that he is still enjoying seeing her grow when he has chosen to walk away from her.

OP posts:
Besom · 20/05/2020 07:30

Very difficult situation but if they are otherwise loving towards her I would not cut them off entirely. As you say dd can make her own mind up as she grows up.

Medievalist · 20/05/2020 07:31

I wouldn't let them have any contact until they tell you where their son is and stop lying to your dd.

understandmenow · 20/05/2020 07:32

Nope, I wouldn't! Lockdown has given the distance and just continue it.

They can call, unless of course they start pressurising your DD to see them.

No way should they be back the wastrel of a son.

Suzie6789 · 20/05/2020 07:33

I wouldn’t as they are complicit in letting him dodge his responsibilities. I’d very direct and tell them why.

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 20/05/2020 07:33

I think separating money issues from access is difficult. Children don't understand. I can only imagine your frustration and struggle but in my own issues with my in laws I thought about things from this perspective. They are not your family BUT they are your children's family. I never tried to actively deny my child anyone who loved them - obviously I had no one who endangered them .
I know you have stated they are watching her struggle and go without , but blind love and misplaced faith in their son is doing this . Please don't take away people who love her, her father is causing wider pain and will hurt them too probably . They're not perfect but dont with draw your child as a punishment, just dont

Original poster
Slidetotheleft · 20/05/2020 07:34

The only thing I will slightly add in their defence is that DD tells me they have removed all his photos from their house and replaced with photos of her.

I think they are ashamed of him but for whatever reason have decided to honour not telling me where he is

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 20/05/2020 07:34

Do what @fuckinghellthisshit suggested. They’re despicable and Should have no right to see her.
She might be sad at first but not having people with no morals or sense of right and wrong, can only be a good thing in the long run.

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 20/05/2020 07:35

i think you are being petty by not letting them see each other.
you could explain to them your intentions, and see if they relent?

FirmlyRooted · 20/05/2020 07:35

I'll go against the grain and say that you should let your daughter have a relationship with her GPs. If she enjoys seeing them and they treat her well it would be too disruptive to sever that link too.

It's a totally shit thing of them to do, no doubt about that.

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 20/05/2020 07:36

i agree with @Andahelterskelterroundmylittle

they are Her family, even if they are not yours.

Redred2429 · 20/05/2020 07:36

I would say this to them and see how they reply when threatened with no contact

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 20/05/2020 07:36

isnt the money taken at source? so no address needed for maintenance ? ie. done via his taxes

Gncq · 20/05/2020 07:38

Are you absolute sure they know where he is? Or is this something you simply suspect?

LastTrainEast · 20/05/2020 07:38

I'd break from them entirely as they will be a bad influence. They are not just going along with his decision, but justifying it. They are saying "he cannot make enough money if he has to support his own child. It's plain her welfare is of no importance to them. I'd never trust them for a second.

If you put it to them as a choice. To tell the maintenance people where he is OR lose contact they will say they don't care I'm sure.