Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you carry on letting grandparents see child after this?

511 replies

Slidetotheleft · 20/05/2020 07:19

DD's (5) father disappeared off the face of the earth 12 months ago. Has paid no maintenance since then. Currently owes over 3k and counting.

DDs grandparents (his parents) know where he is but refuse to tell me. Their argument is that he is trying to rebuild his business/life and cannot do that with the maintenance people on his back. He hasn't even sent DD a birthday card or anything at xmas. The maintenance people cannot find him, his parents know where he is but refuse to tell me and if DD asks them they say they don't know (not sure how long they can carry that on for).

They are currently still seeing DD twice a month (not during lockdown). And speak to her once a week on the phone.

My question is WIBU to say actually whilst you cannot be honest with me or DD I don't want her in your care. I DO NOT want to do this, DD enjoys their company and they love seeing her.

But it really really gets to me that they are happy to see her go without the support she deserves and to actually lie to her face when she asks where her daddy is.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 20/05/2020 20:06

I'm another one who had no GPs growing up, they all died before I was born, apart from my paternal DGM who died when I was 3. For all their faults, the DGPs have a relationship with your DD, and she appears to be benefiting from it, so I wouldn't deprive her of it.

Taddda · 20/05/2020 20:09

I can't help feeling slightly amused between the spat between Carole Baskin and Fedhimtothetigers. I think that the latter has touched a personal nerve with that username!

Grin
CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 20:50

Lol. I just want to make clear I did not cover him in sardines and feed him to the tigers. Nor his parents...

CayrolBaaaskin · 20/05/2020 21:01

@fuckinghellthisshit - not sure how cutting your children off from their family because you are angry with your ex is “putting them first” or good parenting. Sounds more like putting you first.

timeisnotaline · 20/05/2020 22:24

Having read all the replies and thought it through, I wouldn’t stop the visits. But I’d tell them what I thought of them and not lie for them.

They aren’t very good grandparents. They turn up at the odd school function. They do not do childcare and they do not do support. They give her a birthday present and occasionally buy an item of clothes which have caught grandmas eye. So not a useful support like winter coat and shoes, just grandma buying 5 year old love rather than actually supporting 5yo. I’m sure op is proud but I would ask them for money to buy these necessary items, to make sure there is no way they cannot know their granddaughter is the one suffering from their sons actions that they are protecting.
Keep trying cms re his bank account.

jacks11 · 20/05/2020 23:10

I think the issue is that OP can not trust the grandparents to be honest with her or her DD. If they lie about this, what else might they lie to OP about? What might they ask Dd to lie to OP about? They have sown the seed of doubt now and trust needs to be rebuilt. So perhaps not cutting contact, but perhaps regular phone/video contact and quote regular supervised contact (at OP’s home, theirs or neutral area). They can go to school events.

They may love her, but their granddaughter is not their priority. She probably does love them, and cutting them off entirely would not be the right thing to do for her sake. Which leads us back to trust issue- they either do the right thing or stop expecting OP to collude with their lies. They also need to show that they do value her welfare and to help rebuild OP’s trust.

I do think there is also consideration as to how DD will feel when she finds out that they have lied to her about not knowing about daddy is (nothing to do with the money- she clearly does ask where he is). And have colluded with his attempts to withhold financial support from her. And her mother went along with those lies. I would have been angry with my mum has had I discovered she’d done that.

ECBC · 20/05/2020 23:25

Have the grandparents offered any financial support? Or are they in a position to do so do you think?

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 20/05/2020 23:28

Family is not about nice days out. It's about caring for a child. It sounds like they're in support of their son not being family and see doing nothing to make up for it, while enjoying the bits they do like. Such love never kept a child warm.

Original poster
Slidetotheleft · 21/05/2020 07:27

Thank you all for your replies, there is a lot to think about.

Regarding what DD wants, well she’s 5 and like most 5 year olds goes where the “fun stuff” is. They’ve built her a fairy house in the garden and have dogs and Nanny bakes all the time so of course she loves them and wants to keep seeing them.

I have been 100% honest with DD. I’ve told her I don’t know where daddy is and I don’t know why he doesn’t see her. I explained that sometimes when you do something bad (like not seeing your kid for a year) you feel embarrassed and ashamed and then the longer it goes on for the worse it gets and that daddy probably feels very bad for the way he’s treated her but doesn’t know how to say sorry.

I don’t know if that’s the best thing I could have come up with but it was all I had on the hop. She doesn’t really ask about him anymore. She didn’t mention anything on her birthday about not hearing from him.

I’m very interested in trying to track him down so to the PP who offered numbers of firms who would do that I would appreciate contact details!

OP posts:
TacosTuesday · 21/05/2020 07:38

I'd keep your daughters relationship with GPs separate, it sounds like it's positive for her to have it. More trauma for her if they disappear from her life too. There would be no benefit in trying to explain that she can't see Gps because they know where dad is- to her, at 5 the details of that is rightly one she should have limited awareness of.

I would however speak to the GPS (calmly) and reiterate your frustration and the factual impact of their sons actions. Over time they may come to a different view.

GreenWillowTree · 21/05/2020 07:47

I think that is a good explanation to give her. It is at her level and there is likely to be an element of truth in it. I hope he does feel embarrassed and ashamed of what he has done.

You sound like a good mum.

PuppyMonkey · 21/05/2020 08:40

I wonder does she also ask the GPS where her daddy is, and what barefaced lies they tell her before supplying her with tasty cakes and treats. HmmSad

Helendee · 21/05/2020 09:23

Is it possible for you to always be present when your daughter visits her grandparents? That way they have no opportunity to say anything inappropriate to her ( should they wish to)!

Orphlids · 21/05/2020 10:30

Sorry you find yourself in this very tricky situation, OP. I must say, you sound like a lovely mum.

WendyHoused · 21/05/2020 11:08

OP, what a classy way to handle it.

IntermittentParps · 21/05/2020 11:21

I think you're doing brilliantly with your DD.
On your ex, can you appeal/go higher at the CMS?

CayrolBaaaskin · 21/05/2020 11:35

It does irritate me how the CMS is so ineffective. It can’t be that hard to track him down. It’s sad op that your ex has done this to your dd. As I said, my dad did this to me and it does stay with you. You have dealt with it so well tho and she is lucky yo have you.

SusanneLinder · 21/05/2020 12:22

The CMS should be able to track him down via HMRC. They share information. This is how they found my Skanky ex and put a Detachment on Earnings order on his wages. That, admittedly, was under the old CSA system, but what I have found with these people is that you need to complain ,complain and complain some more. They don't bother with difficult cases unless you moan at them...a LOT.

callmeadoctor · 21/05/2020 12:42

Ha Ha, absolutely not!!!! Get them to ask the father to get them access. Cant believe for a minute that you are allowing this to happen. A 5 year old will have forgotten who they all are in 6 months time. Do not speak and most definitely do not let them see her. Also I would be very concerned about her safety, who is to say that the next visit to them, he picks her up and keeps hold of her? No bloody way on this earth, sorry!!

callmeadoctor · 21/05/2020 12:44

Thinking about all this, I am gobsmacked you are taking this risk tbh!

Helendee · 21/05/2020 13:32

Callmeadoctor

You really would deprive a little girl of loving family for the sake of a few quid?
I bet she will never forgive her mother when she’s older.
Why do you hold love in such scant regard?

C0RA · 21/05/2020 13:34

I have been 100% honest with DD. I’ve told her I don’t know where daddy is and I don’t know why he doesn’t see her. I explained that sometimes when you do something bad (like not seeing your kid for a year) you feel embarrassed and ashamed and then the longer it goes on for the worse it gets and that daddy probably feels very bad for the way he’s treated her but doesn’t know how to say sorry

Your explanation is very sweet, I know you are trying to be nice and I don’t mean to criticise you. But it’s all about him and his feelings and why she has to understand him and make allowances for him.

And I’m not sure that’s very fair when she’s 5 and he’s a grown man and her father. Where is the space for her feelings and opinions ?

I’m not sure I’d want to teach my 5 yo DD that men’s feelings are-always more important than hers and she always has to see things from his point of view and understand and feel sorry for him.

callmeadoctor · 21/05/2020 13:42

Helene , nothing to do with the money at all. I would be absolutely concerned about the risk of abduction as she doesn't know where the father is. Wouldn't give a toss about the money.

callmeadoctor · 21/05/2020 13:44

And how are they "loving" when they are hiding the father away?

Anotheruser02 · 21/05/2020 13:46

I'd be so concerned about the levels of dishonesty I'd feel they didn't have her best interests at heart.